To step in when someone is yelling at their child…..

[Dandy008]

My friend and I went to the zoo today.

A mother in front of us in the cafe, had 3 children with her, she was also with another adult female who had two children with her.

There was a young girl in her pram, I would’ve said around 2ish (maybe younger) who was crying and screaming.

My son does this often so it’s nothing new to see a child crying in the pram.

However, the mother very abruptly, told the child to shut up and go to sleep.
The child was getting really upset, and reaching to her mother.
The mother grabbed hold of the child’s arms, pulled her towards her and said “shut the f*ck up and go to sleep”

The child was clearly distressed but not once did the mother take her out of the pram or offer any comfort.

She began talking to the other adult referring to
her own younger child as a “little twat” who needs to go to sleep. (Meanwhile, said child was becoming more and more upset)

The child threw her dummy on the floor and the mother said “well that can f*cking stay there”

Her other two children were sat eating and there was no interaction from the mother to them, but the younger child was still very upset and the mother repeatedly was shouting and swearing at her.

Both my friend I began to feel really uncomfortable with how this situation was escalating and especially because the child was so upset and the mother seemed to be getting angrier with her.

I was going to walk over and ask if she was okay or if there was anything I could do to help her, but before go the chance, someone else went over to her.

They didn’t offer her help but began to tell her off and threaten to call the police.

There was a bit of a heated argument the staff came over to diffuse the situation.

I wouldn’t have gone over to argue or tell the mother off (as much as I wanted to) but more to step in to offer support…

Is this a thing? Is it reasonable to do this?!

The other person was on the phone and was shouting they were calling the police so I do believe they were called

If they did, that's probably the best outcome. At the very least this family will go onto Social Services' radar, if they aren't already.

See, I think threatening to call the police isn’t always the right thing to do. It escalates an already fraught situation. The mother was not calm or rational. Threatening someone in that state will rarely lead to peace and understanding descending on the situation.

I know it’s different when you’re at home and can think clearly, but I think I would have caused a distraction of some sort. Something that might have appealed to the child in the pushchair. Maybe sent my own kid over with a cake or doughnut with instructions to ask the mum if it’s okay and then used that as an opening to start a conversation. My kids are tough little cookies and I would have deliberately sat close by given the woman was in front of me in the queue.

Or, possibly, having sat close by I might have dropped something that grabbed the mum’s attention. Broken her conversation with her friend, been a bit chatty and eventually asked about the 2yo.

Both of these could have diffused the situation there and then, but yes, the worry is always what’s happening at home. Children just need to be tired or hungry or hot, parents just need to be harassed or stressed or tired …. It’s important not to jump to conclusions, but it’s also important not to let a situation pass you by. It’s all instinct, I think. You need to be there to know what your spidey senses are telling you.

You would have sent your kid over 😳 wtf Mumsnet is so odd

I struggle and occasionally shout at my children.

I don’t when I’m out, I wouldn’t swear and I always offer comfort. She needed to be reported and I would’ve called the police.

She physically abused and neglected her child in full view of strangers. I wonder how awful
She is in private if she like that in public.

FWIW I have intervened in the past and made a report to the school. Every instance of abuse we see should be reported where possible.

Tbh, the police should have quietly been called. Having someone go over and cause an argument hardly helped the poor baby.

I think I would have also felt like offering to hold the baby but who knows if that would have been appreciated. I think it was kind of you to want to help but also good the police were called as the mother definitely needs support from SS.

Maybe sent my own kid over with a cake or doughnut with instructions to ask the mum if it’s okay and then used that as an opening to start a conversation. My kids are tough little cookies and I would have deliberately sat close by given the woman was in front of me in the queue.
This is just bizarre.

Unfortunately that is how some Mothers are, nothing to do with being stressed, just their nature. There are children bought into this world because it is a "career" choice, the baby will bring untold riches, flat, white goods, money and many other riches. Sadly not every child is brought into the world for love.

I think the police route was right to be honest...the abuse is very likely worse in private so poor kids like this can only rely on the interventions of strangers when they live in that toxic environment. It makes me feel sick :(

@LowlandLucky

Oh yay! Nearly three pages before a post like yours!

What a load of utter shit.

I did it once-sitting at a pediatric orthopedic clinic waiting room at a children's hospital and there was a young special needs child with a mother who was smacking her son saying awful things, referring to my son behaving well saying "Why can't you behave like him" and I went to receptionist and said they need to call security and office manager or doctor because it was criminal behavior and after nothing for ten minutes I returned to receptionist and said "I am about to call 911 and I can't believe I am at a children's hospital and you are tolerating seeing this in the waiting room where is security?" Next thing after that the mother got up and said "I'm tired of waiting we're leaving" and finally a nurse manager came out and told her she was to follow her and "You're not going anywhere follow me now" and then I saw a male resident doctor as well. We were then taken back for the appointment but I was very shaken by it and wanted to cry my eyes out after seeing such blatant abuse of a special needs child. My heart broke that day and I really came close to physically protecting the child and killing her had my son not been sitting there in his wheelchair.

When I've happened upon a crying child I have always asked the mum if they are okay to minimise the risk of any antagonism if I asked the child. In this case I might have asked the mum if they'd like me to hold the child while they ate. That way child hopefully might calm down, mum might check herself but at least it was a break in the situation.

I did this once in a queue at Legoland. The only one who did. We were right behind her and she was swearing at her poor kids. I framed it as if she could tone down her language a bit as many children around, including my own. She swore at me (which I expected) but did stop but I felt so sorry for those kids :(

My kids are older - they wouldn’t be bothered by this, especially if I’m right there. We live in a hard-as-nails neighborhood in a hard-as-nails city. You can’t walk a block without hearing mofos flung about 😒

Calling the police is bad because it escalates a bad situation is in the same list of bollocks as giving in to bullies.

Any intervention is likely to cause conflict when tempers are already high. I think I'd make the staff aware of it, then I'd call the police

I was in our city centre alone the other day and this woman was absolutely berating her around 3 year old son. Forced him to sit on the floor in the middle of the (pedestrian only) street and he sat there howling while she loudly complained ‘he’s a f’king nightmare’ etc to whoever she was with. It was really awful to see. I wish now I’d gone over and said something (I’m a mother and also a nurse and sort of felt a duty of care). I spoke to a friend who’s a social worker who laughed and said if we intervened with every parent who just spoke like that to their child they’d about 10,000 referrals a day . But she did also say it’s worth reporting anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and clearly isn’t just a person at the absolute end of their tether on the worst day ever.

@marble11

And rightly so. The op needs to keep her beak out and concentrate on her own kids.

We've found someone who treats their own kids like this...

So many of these horrible stories.
I keep being reminded of that awful case in Solihull recently www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2021/aug/05/woman-and-ex-partner-found-guilty-of-killing-three-year-old-daughter-kaylee-jayde-priest-solihull
Surely anyone observing outright abuse of a child needs to intervene in some way.

It was abuse. However This women does need help and support.
I'm no mystic Meg (I'd be winning the lottery every week if I was) but the feeling I'm getting is that this is a women who has lost control.
You don't know what her life is like. She may have gone days without sleep. Not that it excuses calling your child a twat of course it doesnt. So please no one get my words twisted. To me it's quite clear she wasn't thinking properly by telling her child to go to fucking sleep after she'd just paid money to go into the zoo. Why would you want to waste all that money just for one of them to fall asleep.
I want to say hopefully she does get reported to the authorities certainly not only for her sake but for her poor kids, too. However I can't see how it could happen. (At least from today's events) You hardly report a stranger who you have no info about to social services can you. Where would you even begin.
Its a very upsetting thought I get that.

Good that someone with a bit of backbone was there that day. This woman needs to be reported to ss. Poor kids.

Do you know what a PP mentioned that some one may have filmed her.
I can't believe I didn't even think of that.. So maybe she could get found out.

I'd of rang the police (without going and telling her) getting involved in abuse in public often just leads to a worse situation for the person or child later. Going over and offering support when the parent is being abusive is just unlikely to be helpful for anyone involved.

She's a twat and a chav. I really wish such people didn't have children. Poor wee things.

Merryoldgoat your pink fluffy cloud must be wonderful. Meanwhile in the real world many of us have had to deal with such families. If you really believe it doesn't happen then you must be so naive. I have met more than one young woman straight from school who has made this choice, at one point the trend was to be a "pen friend" to a lad in a YOI, meet up when he came out, sleep with him until pregnant and then wait until he was locked up again and dump him. These girls are so proud and will happily boast about it.

I once did similar in a similar situation, and the children all rounded on me! Was quite sad they were so loyal to the mum.

It does sound awful though, and heartbreaking