Split costs on different incomes

[Depolo]

Household A: Income of £30000 per annum

Household B: Income of £128000 per annum (before tax/NI)

3 x children. 50/50 joint care between homes. No maintenance paid, but all joint costs split 50/50 ie uniform, school trips, dinner money. Children have two wardrobes provided at each household, costs are not shared for activities booked and organised at individual homes.

My question. Should joint costs be split 50/50 as per shared care agreement OR should costs be split on an income ratio.

Having read your updates, their DF really should have more consideration for your ability to afford the 50%, rather than forcing it on you as a done deal.
He perhaps doesn't understand your situation fully though.
If you are on good terms (which I presume you are for 50/50 care) then can you have a discussion about budgets etc - if he wants to spend more then he can, but you can't.

@Youseethethingis

Yours and your family ex's income aren't that different. He'll have to pay nearly half of that £128 k in tax, then split between two of them 128k post tax is £78k. 30k post tax is £24k.

OP also said that his wage is split and paid half each to him and his wife (although she doesn't work) so tax will actually be less than that and the take home higher

I'd message and say that surely he understands that's not in your budget, and mention the sum you can provide that you think is fair. He can return things, or suck it up.

Indeed, you are correct.
90k take home in the DFs household then, £45k personally, against £24k for OPs
Of course he should be for the bloody £85 bag himself

Just tell him you can't afford that and would never have gone to JL or spent that much on a bag. Discuss. If he demands half tell him it'll have to be returned and you'll do the shop more cheaply.

£128000 is the amount he paid himself and partner in dividends and salary last year. It isn’t after tax.

Why is having a uniform week bonkers?! It’s the last full week before they go back to school, have done all the shopping this week since eldest was in reception. Lolz at bonkers

I think that's expensive for uniform, however, you said you knew he was doing it this week. Why wouldn't you both agree on a budget before hand? I think you're both at fault to be honest.

Either way though, if you can't afford it there's not much you can do, you'll need to work out how much you can afford and speak to ex about it, if he can't accept that you'll need to return some of their stuff and get it cheaper elsewhere

Ok.
So, £45k vs possibly £30k. (Op didn't say if hers was gross or net). So, yes a disparity, but not as per the implication in the op.

This is the bag. Which DD “wanted” so isn’t unreasonable apparently.

@arethereanyleftatall

Ok. So, £45k vs possibly £30k. (Op didn't say if hers was gross or net). So, yes a disparity, but not as per the implication in the op.

It's not 45k, it's 90k. They only split it out for tax purposes.

I vote 50/50. It’s by far the fairest.

DSDs mum bought her that one last year as it's the brand to have just now. Lasted s few weeks as it was useless with those silly little straps.
Doubly annoying.

Why doesn’t he pay maintenance?

@Seesawmummadaw it says in the OP he has them 50/50 custody and pay all costs 50/50 - why would he pay child maintenance?

He obviously doesn’t pay maintenance because it’s 50/50
That’s how it works.

I would just be totally honest and say you can’t afford it. You’ll get uniforms next year instead. One year on one year off.

Is he really that hard of thinking? Have you ever sat down and talked about it all.

Also how do you know what they took in dividends. I own a company. You can’t see what dividends I take

I think in future you need to tell him what your budget limit is and then if he chooses to spend over it that's on him.

I bought my son a Kanken backpack recently, at a discount (!), and I didn't even bother asking DP to contribute because I knew he'd object to it on principle. It was my choice so I paid for it. It's a shame your ex-DP doesn't feel the same way. It's an obvious indulgence.

I knew it was going to be a Kanken. My dd has one for this year too.

Op, youre not wrong. He should have more sense than this.

I think parents should split the cost of having a kid/s fairly but not base it on how many nights a week the kid sleeps at each place - I think the total cost for the kids existence 24/7 should be shouldered by both parents. I've never understood why childcare costs are only paid by the parent who has the child sleeping at their place during those childcare days. Both parents need the childcare in order to work, no matter where the child is sleeping.
That said, I think the split in costs should reflect different income levels. In basic human fairness, if you have an amicable relationship with your ex, why would you want their income to take a proportionally huger hit than yours for your shared child?

I say this as someone who shares custody and who is the higher earner. My ex pays for half of childcare but for all other costs I pay more because I see that as fair. We work out what a fair contribution is each month according to what my ex has earned (he's self employed).

DPs mum just demanded £95 for a school bag with pencil case for dsd6 starting school. This is after additional money was put on a gift card for half the uniform.
I think it's an absolutely ridiculous amount of money for a school bag and we had budgeted what we could for uniform already. She was told no.
however it did later transpire she only wanted cash and hadn't bought/planned to buy the bag at all

@Depolo

£128000 is the amount he paid himself and partner in dividends and salary last year. It isn’t after tax.

Why is having a uniform week bonkers?! It’s the last full week before they go back to school, have done all the shopping this week since eldest was in reception. Lolz at bonkers

Why do you think his partners income shoulf be used to pay for the children?

@Youseethethingis

Yours and your family ex's income aren't that different. He'll have to pay nearly half of that £128 k in tax, then split between two of them 128k post tax is £78k. 30k post tax is £24k.

Remembet £128k includes his partners income.

If we assume they earn the same amount then OPs ex takes home £45k a year (this doesn’t include pension contributions).

@simonjt it’s not quite clear but seems probable that his partner was simply added to his business to save on tax, the op says the partner doesn’t actually work which is vastly different from someone who runs half of a paying business.

I would just say I can’t afford that so wouldn’t have bought those. Next year we will have to pre agree budget amounts, if you want to return half of it happy to buy at my budget, otherwise I will transfer £x.

@Depolo

So I am household A. Household B is ex and partner.

Ex and wife took the D.C to buy school uniform today. I was presented with half the costs afterwards. But (and this is the bit I think is unfair), if I had taken them shopping I wouldn’t have shopped as up market as they did. Bill for my half is over £320. It wasn’t discussed with me that the youngest would have a very expensive rucksack (£85), branded trainers for all 3 for PE and uniform from John Lewis. The bill was just text to me as “your half”. There is no way I can afford that and if I’d taken them shopping I’d have shopped cheaper. He’s chosen to shop where he has without considering if I could afford my half.

They should not have bought these things without checking with you if you’re expected to pay half.

Don’t pay half, tell them they either need to return what they bought, or you will make a contribution based on what you would have bought for DC.

Has it been an issues before OP? I think 85 for a school bag is excessive- 20/25 is fine! School uniform from John Lewis isn’t excessive though.
I’d say you can do the uniform half as that’s needed but the bags are OTT and be honest that you just can’t afford it- and say it was lovely of him to treat the kids.
Moving forward there needs to a budget