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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS 12 invited to new friends house

113 replies

Thinking7 · 26/08/2021 12:16

Recently moved home. DS has met a new group of friends at his new school recently. He has been invited to one of their houses after school. They Will go straight there after school. I’ve never met the friends/parents. We are new to the area. I feel nervous that he will just go somewhere that I don’t know with people I don’t know. He’s at high school now though so should I be giving him this freedom?

I was very happy for him to go out on his own where we previously lived with his pals and go to their houses. It’s just the new area issue!

OP posts:
Kite22 · 27/08/2021 15:51

@DameAlyson

For all you know it might not be convenient, they might have family visiting, or they might be going out, and the friend has forgotten.

Then when they arrive at friend's house, friend's parent says 'Tom, have you forgotten we're going out? Nice to meet you, Jack, sorry it's not convenient today, hope to see you another time,' and Jack says goodbye and goes home. No need at all for Jack's mum to be involved.

Exactly
Suetully · 28/08/2021 02:02

''Assuming you’ve raised a decent young man, he’ll have some good instincts on different types of people/friends and have a good judgement of their characters. ''

he's not a man though, he's 12 and no at 12 kids can make bad judgement on character and can be very misguided.

Suetully · 28/08/2021 02:04

''Plus I trust my son completely.''

says many parents I call to tell them off their child's behaviour in lessons.

Mummadeze · 28/08/2021 03:10

My 12 year old is not at this level of independence yet. I wouldn’t feel comfortable not knowing the friend or their parents. It would all need to be properly arranged for it to happen in our household.

MsTSwift · 28/08/2021 07:21

What even for a casual meet up? My 12 year old will contact a local friend and they will go for a milkshake and wander round the charity shops would you involve the other mum in that arrangement? I would find that a little odd tbh if you contacted me .

RedHelenB · 28/08/2021 07:40

@Rannva

It's only a worry for little tiny toddlers who can't tell you anything's wrong.

At 12 he's more than capable of coming home and telling you it's a crack den.

Don't joke, or poor OPs son will never be allowed out.
UserStillatLarge · 28/08/2021 08:51

@Mummadeze

My 12 year old is not at this level of independence yet. I wouldn’t feel comfortable not knowing the friend or their parents. It would all need to be properly arranged for it to happen in our household.
Trouble is to become independent, you need to let them do more things. And sometimes that does mean you might have to move out of your comfort zone. What about a 12 year old popping round to a friend's house are you not comfortable about? What needs to change to make you comfortable (i.e. will you still be uncomfortable about it when he's 16?)
DameAlyson · 28/08/2021 14:51

My 12 year old is not at this level of independence yet. I wouldn’t feel comfortable not knowing the friend or their parents. It would all need to be properly arranged for it to happen in our household.

How is s/he going to become independent if s/he doesn't take these first steps?

S/he is presumably about to start yr8. The other children will all be making arrangements among themselves to go to each others houses, to the shops, to MacDs after school or on Saturdays. That's all part of the fun of being at secondary school. Your dc will soon find themselves left out if they can't join in any of these spontaneous activities because it hasn't been properly arranged by you.

Nayday · 28/08/2021 15:02

I think it's fine/standard for him to go - with phone etc and as long as you know the address.

We offered a couple of years to take my secondary school age son's friend on a local outing with us - just walk and an ice cream type thing. Pick up and drop back to house. Mum Facebook messaged me, sounds lovely she said, I'll come too. Was all a bit strange, especially as we were meeting our friends too! Confused.

Kite22 · 28/08/2021 16:29

Some of the replies on this thread, explain some of the posts in the University threads where helicopter parents are doing everything for their dc still, despite the fact they are 18 and about to leave home.

Treating a secondary school child like a 7 or 8 year old is not going to do them any favours in the long run.

malificent7 · 28/08/2021 16:35

I havnt met a few of dds parents...ive only met the rest as i knew them from baby group! I don't vet parents really.

MissyB1 · 28/08/2021 17:17

@Kite22

Some of the replies on this thread, explain some of the posts in the University threads where helicopter parents are doing everything for their dc still, despite the fact they are 18 and about to leave home.

Treating a secondary school child like a 7 or 8 year old is not going to do them any favours in the long run.

Nonsense! As well as a 12 year old I have a 31 year old and a 26 year old. Both the older boys left home at 18 and were totally independent, I only saw them in Uni holidays, even then they were working. They are both home owners now. There are plenty of ways to encourage confidence and independence without them roaming around the town after school, visiting houses of people you’ve never met and know nothing about.
mathanxiety · 28/08/2021 21:56

You are being unreasonable, and you need to make the effort to get to know people in your new area.

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