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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS 12 invited to new friends house

113 replies

Thinking7 · 26/08/2021 12:16

Recently moved home. DS has met a new group of friends at his new school recently. He has been invited to one of their houses after school. They Will go straight there after school. I’ve never met the friends/parents. We are new to the area. I feel nervous that he will just go somewhere that I don’t know with people I don’t know. He’s at high school now though so should I be giving him this freedom?

I was very happy for him to go out on his own where we previously lived with his pals and go to their houses. It’s just the new area issue!

OP posts:
Shirleyphallus · 26/08/2021 13:09

@Ducksurprise I was taking the piss. That thread was nuts. For the avoidance of doubt, do NOT trail your teens and stalk their parents.

Ducksurprise · 26/08/2021 13:13

@godmum56

I think its reasonable to know where your son is and have a contact number for the parents in case of any kind of family emergency. Its no big deal.
But every kid has a phone. Plus I'm not looking after your child, I probably won't even be there, by asking for my number you are implying that I am taking care of your child. I'm not, I haven't invited the child over, they are not my responsibility.
Ducksurprise · 26/08/2021 13:14

[quote Shirleyphallus]@Ducksurprise I was taking the piss. That thread was nuts. For the avoidance of doubt, do NOT trail your teens and stalk their parents.[/quote]
Grin Thank fuck!

It's testimony to how crazy I think parents can be when it comes to teenagers that I didn't see sarcasm , worrying really.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 26/08/2021 13:37

Think you’re right to let him go. So long as he had his mobile. Ask for the mums number so you can send her yours, if you feel comfortable doing that. Failing that, get son to get his friends number. Then you can store it in your phone too.
Sure he will love having some new friends to hang around with. Before you know it your phone will be full of his friends numbers.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 26/08/2021 13:42

Ps my phone is full of my kids’ friends numbers due to the fact that that they think mobiles don’t need charged to work, and apparently you can use your mobile to phone for a life whilst it’s still sleeping under the quilt!

TartanJumper · 26/08/2021 14:08

Yes
Have a code word he can text you if he feels like he needs to come home so you can call him and summon him (thus putting the blame on his uncool mum for him not being able to stay)

Snoozer11 · 26/08/2021 14:22

@godmum56

I think its reasonable to know where your son is and have a contact number for the parents in case of any kind of family emergency. Its no big deal.
You don't need a contact number for the parents if there's a family emergency. You just need a contact number for your child, which I would assume a parent would have.
Clymene · 26/08/2021 14:26

Your child has a phone. You can just that to contact them, you don't need the parents' number

LuaDipa · 26/08/2021 14:47

I would actually ask for the parents number and just drop him/her a quick text saying something like ‘Hi this is X’s mum, X & Y have arranged to get together at yours after school on Thursday, just wanted to check it was ok. Thanks, Lua’. I don’t think there’s anything overbearing about that, it’s just manners.

Ducksurprise · 26/08/2021 15:05

@LuaDipa

I would actually ask for the parents number and just drop him/her a quick text saying something like ‘Hi this is X’s mum, X & Y have arranged to get together at yours after school on Thursday, just wanted to check it was ok. Thanks, Lua’. I don’t think there’s anything overbearing about that, it’s just manners.
It's not, it's overbearing. I would have no idea who was coming round in the future, I don't want to parent or be responsible for your child, I won't be there.
AllTheSingleLadiess · 26/08/2021 15:10

I have a code with my kids when I can text them with a fake emergency so they can leave uncomfortable situations without losing face.

They text me the word and quickly delete the text. Then I text them with a fake reason that they have to come home now and they can show people that text and pretend that they are annoyed that they have to leave.

I have an agreement with them that I won't ask why because I don't want them to stay because of me but they usually end up confessing why eg shoplifting ,

AllTheSingleLadiess · 26/08/2021 15:14

I know it's hard and a massive difference to primary but it will help your relationship ling term if he feels that you trust him. If he's unsure he can always text you for advice. Thanks

Ducksurprise · 26/08/2021 15:39

@AllTheSingleLadiess

I have a code with my kids when I can text them with a fake emergency so they can leave uncomfortable situations without losing face.

They text me the word and quickly delete the text. Then I text them with a fake reason that they have to come home now and they can show people that text and pretend that they are annoyed that they have to leave.

I have an agreement with them that I won't ask why because I don't want them to stay because of me but they usually end up confessing why eg shoplifting ,

This is a great idea, especially the not asking questions.

If you interfere too much they become devious, it's easy to give a fake number for a fake parent.

UserStillatLarge · 26/08/2021 15:43

@LuaDipa

I would actually ask for the parents number and just drop him/her a quick text saying something like ‘Hi this is X’s mum, X & Y have arranged to get together at yours after school on Thursday, just wanted to check it was ok. Thanks, Lua’. I don’t think there’s anything overbearing about that, it’s just manners.
That's fine with 8 year olds but not secondary school children. My children are free to invite friends over after school as they want - they don't need to run their arrangements past me (I let them know if there are days/times it's not convenient). If I got a text like that from a parent I would assume they thought their child was lying.
UserStillatLarge · 26/08/2021 15:48

... not to mention that a lot of "come back to my house after school" invitations are spontaneous. No time for parents to be checking with other parents.

MissyB1 · 26/08/2021 15:54

@UserStillatLarge

... not to mention that a lot of "come back to my house after school" invitations are spontaneous. No time for parents to be checking with other parents.
It’s alright for you to be ok with random kids turning up at your house, but rude to assume other parents are ok with it. Maybe they might want to know if your kid is planning to come by after school? Also if they are going to be at work they might not be happy with other kids in their house with no adult. That’s why I check. It also depends a lot on age. Senior school goes from 11-16, I don’t apply the same rules to all children between those ages!
Ducksurprise · 26/08/2021 15:58

Maybe they might want to know if your kid is planning to come by after school? Also if they are going to be at work they might not be happy with other kids in their house with no adult.

So you think parents are incapable of a, speaking and agreeing to things with their own child and b, trusting them to follow through with their rules?

UserStillatLarge · 26/08/2021 16:01

It’s alright for you to be ok with random kids turning up at your house, but rude to assume other parents are ok with it.

I don't assume other parents are ok with it. I assume the other parents' children know that their parents are ok with it or they wouldn't have issued the invitation in the first place.

Kite22 · 26/08/2021 16:02

It is normal for secondary school.

It is only on MN I have come across the idea of contacting the parents beforehand. All my dc have gone to friends' houses that I have never met the paretns of, and no parent has ever tried to contact me before their dc have dropped in here.

@MissyB1 - in Yr 7 I would say to the child 'Have you let your Mum know where you are?' just as a reminder, but it isn't for me to parent other secondary age dc. If they invite my child in, I have to assume that is within the rules of those parents. If a child came back to mine, I would remind them, but again, it is down to the parents having drilled into their child what they are comfortable with.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2021 16:03

Cmon op, he’s just going to his mates house after school it’s the most normal thing in the world and it’s even close to you. At 12 this is fine.

I thought everyone did this at that age.

MissyB1 · 26/08/2021 16:03

@Ducksurprise

Maybe they might want to know if your kid is planning to come by after school? Also if they are going to be at work they might not be happy with other kids in their house with no adult.

So you think parents are incapable of a, speaking and agreeing to things with their own child and b, trusting them to follow through with their rules?

Kids don’t always remember to ask, and have been known to try and break rules shock horror! For me it’s about safety and courtesy, certainly at my ds age anyway (12).
UserStillatLarge · 26/08/2021 16:06

Kids don’t always remember to ask, and have been known to try and break rules shock horror!
For me it’s about safety and courtesy, certainly at my ds age anyway (12).

But you're not responsible for parenting your DS's friend. If he chooses to break his own parents' rules, it's not for you to get involved.

Oblomov21 · 26/08/2021 16:10

This is normal. I'm shocked other parents don't know this. You may meet some parents as you pick up from their house, or meet at do's etc.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2021 16:11

@UserStillatLarge

*Kids don’t always remember to ask, and have been known to try and break rules shock horror! For me it’s about safety and courtesy, certainly at my ds age anyway (12).*

But you're not responsible for parenting your DS's friend. If he chooses to break his own parents' rules, it's not for you to get involved.

Exactly,

Quite shocked at the pearl clutching some posters are showing about the very normal thought of a secondary age kid going to a mates house after school.

LuaDipa · 26/08/2021 16:21

It's not, it's overbearing. I would have no idea who was coming round in the future, I don't want to parent or be responsible for your child, I won't be there.

And that would be absolutely fine. You could just say that. I wouldn’t expect you to be there at that age, but I would like to ensure you are aware and ok with it.

If I got a text like that from a parent I would assume they thought their child was lying.

Why would you think that? I would just assume that they were checking that my kids hadn’t forgotten to tell me, which is what happens quite often. I was actually delighted to get a text from a mum checking it was ok for her dd to come to ds sleepover (along with 7 other kids) the day after we returned from holiday as he had forgotten to tell me. They are both 15.

It’s really not an unusual thing at dc school for the parents to talk.