DS 12 invited to new friends house

[Thinking7]

Recently moved home. DS has met a new group of friends at his new school recently. He has been invited to one of their houses after school. They Will go straight there after school. I’ve never met the friends/parents. We are new to the area. I feel nervous that he will just go somewhere that I don’t know with people I don’t know. He’s at high school now though so should I be giving him this freedom?

I was very happy for him to go out on his own where we previously lived with his pals and go to their houses. It’s just the new area issue!

At secondary school age, you're unlikely to meet any parents really. At his old school you'd only have met them through knowing them from primary, and he likely would have branched out to others anyway so same scenario.

I'd let him go, just get him to make sure his phone is charged and agree a time you'll collect him/he needs to be back home.

I would just assume that they were checking that my kids hadn’t forgotten to tell me, which is what happens quite often

My kids don't need to tell me if they are inviting friend round after school - that's the whole point. This is their house too, they can invite around who they like. If I got a text from another parent saying "is it ok that Jack is coming round after school" First of all I would wonder who Jack was I potentially wouldn't see it for ages because I was working, then I would wonder why the parent would think it wasn't ok and why they were checking. And the only reason I could think of would be that they thought their DC was somewhere he shouldn't be.

I generally ask for the friends number as well, not because I'm planning to check on them, but in case I need to get hold of my child and their phone is flat.

My kids certainly invite who they like, I just like to know if I’m coming home to a load of extra kids. We live rurally so would be feeding them and sometimes picking up from the station etc. They don’t tend to have friends after school as they have sports and clubs etc

I think because we are in the country with minimal public transport, we do have to be more involved as parents in terms of having kids over. They generally spend the night rather than an hour or two, and can’t get an Uber or order via Deliveroo etc here so they need us to drop and pick up etc which means I do really need to know.

It's secondary school - you don't get to meet all the parents and go on play dates with him. He'll be fine.

@UserStillatLarge

*Kids don’t always remember to ask, and have been known to try and break rules shock horror! For me it’s about safety and courtesy, certainly at my ds age anyway (12).*

But you're not responsible for parenting your DS's friend. If he chooses to break his own parents' rules, it's not for you to get involved.

Actually if he’s in my house whether I’m there or not I’m going to feel responsible if something goes wrong or if his parents are worrying. To be honest this just wouldn’t happen with ds school year group. Us parents are in a year group what’s app (it’s a small senior school). We just message each other and say “the boys have cooked up this plan is it ok?” No one thinks it’s weird because we all do it.

It’s highly unlikely for spontaneous plans to happen because they all travel from lots of different places to get to school.

I agree with @UserStillatLarge

My dc went to 3 different secondary schools and, as I said earlier, have NEVER had a parent contact me about their dc dropping in.
By secondary age, they are responsible enough to be starting to work out their social life themselves, yes, initially with some prompts from you, but I find it quite strange to not let a friend drop in after school without consulting the parents first. As has been said, on a working (outside the home) day I wouldn't even have seen my phone anyway.

Missy that sounds like a unique situation then. Most kids just figure themselves out at that age without parent supervision.

@LuaDipa

I would actually ask for the parents number and just drop him/her a quick text saying something like ‘Hi this is X’s mum, X & Y have arranged to get together at yours after school on Thursday, just wanted to check it was ok. Thanks, Lua’. I don’t think there’s anything overbearing about that, it’s just manners.

My parents were really over protective, they didn't let me do much and this was pre mobiles, pre being able to track kids location via their phone, BUT they wouldn't ask the parents if it was ok. If a friend says come over after school then that's the invite, no parent checks. It's prob just to hang out for a few hours, I wouldn't expect the parents to be home or involved, it's not a 3 course dinner invite.

You could just be like my parents and mostly say no to everything, then your child ends up not being invited to anything and becomes a right loner

“the boys have cooked up this plan is it ok?”

This has to be in the running for one of the most depressing phrases I have read on MN.

@Ducksurprise

“the boys have cooked up this plan is it ok?”

This has to be in the running for one of the most depressing phrases I have read on MN.

Surely it also is highlighting who is being left out of things. Isn't that a bit awkward in a parents group. Surely it's not all the boys at once, doing everything together?

We have a class WhatsApp but my Dc is at infants school and I can't imagine having one for his secondary school.

We have a class WhatsApp but my Dc is at infants school and I can't imagine having one for his secondary school.

Missy school sounds particularly small. Most secondary school year groups are way too large for a year group WhatsApp to be even vaguely practical.

We just message each other and say “the boys have cooked up this plan is it ok?”

Oh dear really? Poor kids. They need to learn independence and not even being able to go to a mates after school without your parent asking if it’s ok is just dire.

DS is due to start secondary and we have a class WhatsApp for the parents 🤷‍♀️. I think about a third of parents are on it and we've had a couple of meet ups in the local park.

It's a grammar so no catchment area as such. So children from all different local and not so local primaries.

I thought it was nice to have the meet ups and meet the parents whose children will be DS's friends, perhaps for life.

Also useful for reminders.

Didn't see it as overbearing. I imagine it will fade away by yr 8.

If its a school with a very big catchment area therefore requiring buses/trains/lifts then I can understand wanting to check the arrangements for a Y7. But if it's walking distance then it's fine and doesn't need parental involvement imho.

Having said that, the mum of one of DD's friends (Y8) did ask for my number and text me to confirm the first time her DD came to ours and I didn't mind at all I certainly didn't find it overbearing or weird.

@Bluntness100

We just message each other and say “the boys have cooked up this plan is it ok?”

Oh dear really? Poor kids. They need to learn independence and not even being able to go to a mates after school without your parent asking if it’s ok is just dire.

At 12 he’s learning independence, he doesn’t have full independence. It’s done in stages. He and his mates all catch the bus or cycle to school, at the weekends / holidays they are usually at a bike track or on trails up in the hills. But yes we keep tabs, because they are still kids and still our responsibility. I know in the mumsnet world apparently even 5 year olds are cooking 3 course meals, and are in charge of the house work, and probably go to the supermarket on their own - but I take a lot of that with a large pinch of salt!

Very normal for parents to ask for numbers and to check in.

Very normal for children going to the house of someone for the first time to get out of the car, introduce yourself.

As being a SAHP I often was the first parent whose child might issue such an invitation and the parents all did it.

As would I.

Simply putting a face to the name.
Maybe it's an urban thing, that some parents just like to know who their children are with and where.

100% normal where we live.

Obviously the older they get their is much much less involvement, but whilst they weren't driving, we often co ordinate with late pick ups.

All 4 of my children are blessed with a large circle of lovely friends with similarly pleasant parents.

It is great that the friend is living close by.
Asking for the mum's number to simply text her and thank her afterwards would also be good.

Is it over protective mum week? This and the can I leave my 9 year old while I am across the road are bizarre.

You could just be like my parents and mostly say no to everything, then your child ends up not being invited to anything and becomes a right loner hmm

I constantly have a houseful of kids that aren’t mine. I often speak to their parents. The two are not mutually exclusive. I’m honestly shocked that this is seen as such an issue.

I think given the opinions on this thread I am most definitely overprotective, but clearly the parents of my friends dc are the same. I would never send my 12 yo dd to a friends house without first communicating with a parent. And dd has never had a friend here without a parent first dropping me a text. I also usually meet most of them as I/they will have dropped the kids off. Maybe that’s just because none of us live nearby and the kids can’t just walk or jump on a bus, but it’s very much the norm here.

Maybe that’s just because none of us live nearby and the kids can’t just walk or jump on a bus, but it’s very much the norm here.

I suspect that does make a difference. Pretty much all of the DC's friends live within walking distance and going to a friend's house after school is effectively just taking a different route home stopping off on the way. Plus no worries about how they will get home as they can always just walk.

I would always get an address and attempt to get a parent's number. But if he has a mobile he'll be fine. As long as you can track it

@billy1966

Very normal for parents to ask for numbers and to check in.

Very normal for children going to the house of someone for the first time to get out of the car, introduce yourself.

As being a SAHP I often was the first parent whose child might issue such an invitation and the parents all did it.

As would I.

Simply putting a face to the name.
Maybe it's an urban thing, that some parents just like to know who their children are with and where.

100% normal where we live.

Obviously the older they get their is much much less involvement, but whilst they weren't driving, we often co ordinate with late pick ups.

All 4 of my children are blessed with a large circle of lovely friends with similarly pleasant parents.

It is great that the friend is living close by.
Asking for the mum's number to simply text her and thank her afterwards would also be good.

Thank God it’s not just me! I sometimes think mumsnet is a parallel universe 😂

I found parents got involved still in year 7 (habits of primary school I suppose), but by year 8 that had all gone. I only met them if they turned up at our house to collect. At 12 he must be going into year 8 (or equivalent).

You don't get to meet the parents once they're in secondary school. It feels weird to begin with nut it's totally normal

Asking for the mum's number to simply text her and thank her afterwards would also be good.

Or bringing your dc up to thank the family as they were leaving ?