Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS 12 invited to new friends house

113 replies

Thinking7 · 26/08/2021 12:16

Recently moved home. DS has met a new group of friends at his new school recently. He has been invited to one of their houses after school. They Will go straight there after school. I’ve never met the friends/parents. We are new to the area. I feel nervous that he will just go somewhere that I don’t know with people I don’t know. He’s at high school now though so should I be giving him this freedom?

I was very happy for him to go out on his own where we previously lived with his pals and go to their houses. It’s just the new area issue!

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 26/08/2021 18:48

And yes I used to get the friend's number if the kids were going out (ie. not at parents' house). In case my child lost their phone or the battery ran out. Over time you get to know where they live anyway if you ever pick them up.

reluctantbrit · 26/08/2021 18:52

@godmum56

I think its reasonable to know where your son is and have a contact number for the parents in case of any kind of family emergency. Its no big deal.
I can imagine there are several parents who aren't at home as they are working.

I always ensure I know where DD is but having a contact number for hanging out is not really the norm unless she would go for a sleepover.

Peanutsandchilli · 26/08/2021 18:57

He'll be fine. As long as you know where he is and he's able to contact you, I'd let him go.

LizzieVereker · 26/08/2021 18:58

At that age I think it’s fine just to know where DS is as long as he has his phone. I would be clear about what time he’s expected to leave/ be home by. I wouldn’t expect to know any other parents’ numbers.

Ducksurprise · 26/08/2021 19:14

@DontDoThatGeorge

I would always get an address and attempt to get a parent's number. But if he has a mobile he'll be fine. As long as you can track it Wink
I have never, and will never, track my teenagers. I know that the teenagers that are tracked leave their phones behind when doing stuff they shouldn't.
Ducksurprise · 26/08/2021 19:16

@LizzieVereker

At that age I think it’s fine just to know where DS is as long as he has his phone. I would be clear about what time he’s expected to leave/ be home by. I wouldn’t expect to know any other parents’ numbers.
I think that is also important, knowing when they need to be back even if their phone goes flat. One reason all mine have old fashioned watches.
MsTSwift · 26/08/2021 19:23

Don’t the kids rail against this? My year 7 is fiercely independent and hates me being involved with her plans.

Also 12/13 girls being what they are it is likely to be a fruitless exercise. The friendship groups shift dramatically and occasionally overnight so your carefully cultivated WhatsApp group is likely to be rendered pointless by the vagaries of 13 year old girls friendship politics 😁

MissyB1 · 26/08/2021 19:35

My ds doesn’t rail against it 🤔 he likes to tell me his plans.

Bouledeneige · 26/08/2021 20:15

I used to frequently go round to friends after school and never let my Mum know. I also hung out in the bus station for ages gossiping with my mates and boys. She was fine so long as I was back for dinner.

billy1966 · 26/08/2021 20:24

@Kite22

Asking for the mum's number to simply text her and thank her afterwards would also be good.

Or bringing your dc up to thank the family as they were leaving ?

That is so obvious it would simply never occur to me to write something so overt🤷‍♀️.

Just like some parents like to know where their children are, and who they are with, .....they would still send a thank you to the parent who probably provided drinks/snacks etc., giving up their time.

At 12 they would not be bringing friends home to an empty house, so a parent would most likely be hosting.

I think it really depends on what you are used to and the norm in your community.

I am very comfortable thanking people for hosting my children.

Looubylou · 26/08/2021 21:41

I'd talk to him about what sort of situations he should find unacceptable eg signs of drug use, house full of smoke, dirty/smelly house, domestic disputes, and anything that makes him feel unsafe/uncomfortable.Discuss exit strategies. On a lighter note, I remember going to a friends house, in the very early 80's, and being shocked that the fridge door shelf had dirty rings on it. My mother always cleaned the milk bottles - I reported this shocking find when I got home 😂

WaterIsBest · 26/08/2021 21:43

Is it normal for a parent to know their secondary childs friends parents?

I dont think that is common at all

DameAlyson · 26/08/2021 21:55

....the parent who probably provided drinks/snacks etc., giving up their time.

I'd expect 12yos to get their own snacks and drinks, and not require a parent to wait on them.

At this age, the friend is the host, not the parent.

Kite22 · 26/08/2021 22:51

Exactly @DameAlyson
If secondary age dc bring a friend back, it doesn't involve the parents IME.

At 12 they would not be bringing friends home to an empty house, so a parent would most likely be hosting.

Why ever wouldn't they be bringing a friend back if their parent were out / possibly at work ? Confused

Blindering · 27/08/2021 00:24

''In secondary school my dc made their own judgement calls on new mates and visiting /staying over...
You wil like a right wally checking up op!!''

I don't agree with this at all, I 'd not let any of my kids under 16 be staying over in a house without knowing the parents or knowing they'd be responsibly supervised. So you are telling me you'd let a 12 year old stay in a house without knowing the family or checking with the parents etc? Bizarre.

Blindering · 27/08/2021 00:28

''I was actually delighted to get a text from a mum checking it was ok for her dd to come to ds sleepover (along with 7 other kids) the day after we returned from holiday as he had forgotten to tell me. They are both 15.''

baffled you are comfortable with 15 year olds going to a mixed sex sleep over.

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/08/2021 00:41

Assuming you’ve raised a decent young man, he’ll have some good instincts on different types of people/friends and have a good judgement of their characters.

Take a deep breath and don’t worry too much.

simitra · 27/08/2021 00:51

There were no mobile phones when I was that age and we used to disappear for the day without being over parented and mollycoddled at every turn. We still grew up.

gobackanddoitproperly · 27/08/2021 00:59

@Kite22

Asking for the mum's number to simply text her and thank her afterwards would also be good.

Or bringing your dc up to thank the family as they were leaving ?

These two things are not mutually exclusive.

I recently moved and have done exactly this with my kids. Added bonus of making a few friends myself..

Bagamoyo1 · 27/08/2021 01:42

@LuaDipa

I would actually ask for the parents number and just drop him/her a quick text saying something like ‘Hi this is X’s mum, X & Y have arranged to get together at yours after school on Thursday, just wanted to check it was ok. Thanks, Lua’. I don’t think there’s anything overbearing about that, it’s just manners.
Exactly this. Kids are notorious for making their own arrangements without checking with parents. For all you know it might not be convenient, they might have family visiting, or they might be going out, and the friend has forgotten. It’s polite to get the number, text to check, say thank you etc.
Ducksurprise · 27/08/2021 07:18

@Blindering

''In secondary school my dc made their own judgement calls on new mates and visiting /staying over... You wil like a right wally checking up op!!''

I don't agree with this at all, I 'd not let any of my kids under 16 be staying over in a house without knowing the parents or knowing they'd be responsibly supervised. So you are telling me you'd let a 12 year old stay in a house without knowing the family or checking with the parents etc? Bizarre.

So you constantly supervise or expect others to supervise your child until they turn 16. Bizarre
MsTSwift · 27/08/2021 07:25

I guess you feel your way. For sleepovers with new friends in year 7 maybe 8 yes I would make contact with the other parents but not for daytime visits. Year 8 onwards you would be thought of as odd if you were pestering other parents about them parenting your 14/15 year old if they pop over to hang out.

DameAlyson · 27/08/2021 08:17

For all you know it might not be convenient, they might have family visiting, or they might be going out, and the friend has forgotten.

Then when they arrive at friend's house, friend's parent says 'Tom, have you forgotten we're going out? Nice to meet you, Jack, sorry it's not convenient today, hope to see you another time,' and Jack says goodbye and goes home. No need at all for Jack's mum to be involved.

UserStillatLarge · 27/08/2021 08:31

I'm wondering is this a side effect of Covid/lockdowns? Younger secondary school children (which seems to be the age we're mainly talking about though it sound like some people are still consulting parents for 16 year olds) have effectively missed the stage where they go from being primary school children where parents organise play dates, to secondary school children who generally make their own arrangements. So effectively we now have a whole cohort being babied because they haven't naturally built up this independence yet.

At 12 many children get public transport to school, go to town with friends, go to the cinema, are home alone during school holidays and after school. Or at least they used to pre-Covid. But somehow it's necessary to check with parents if they pop round to a friend's house for an hour or so after school?

LuaDipa · 27/08/2021 10:01

@Blindering

''I was actually delighted to get a text from a mum checking it was ok for her dd to come to ds sleepover (along with 7 other kids) the day after we returned from holiday as he had forgotten to tell me. They are both 15.''

baffled you are comfortable with 15 year olds going to a mixed sex sleep over.

In this case it was at my house but I have no issue with it. I’m fully aware of where the kids were and what the sleeping arrangements were. They are good kids and the parents know that I’m around, although in all honesty I don’t think it would make much difference if I wasn’t. Activities usually involve playing sports or lounging around the garden, playing music too loud and watching movies, it’s the same whether it’s mixed or just the boys. Plus I trust my son completely.