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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I charge sons gf to live in my house?

81 replies

CrazyCatLadyHere · 25/08/2021 13:39

Sorry this might get a bit long!

My sons girlfriend (both now 18) has been living with me since Xmas day. She used to stay with her mum a couple of days a week for the first couple of months but that has now stopped and is staying with me permanently. She’s never really had a permanent home since she was 16.
She did have a part time job but was only on a small wage but she quit that job in April. She used to give me £20/£30 a month here and there but not always and I haven’t had anything since then.

My son is still in education so I do still get an allowance for him (I don’t work, please don’t judge, I have an illness) but he gives me £50 per month out of his own money but I do not ask him for this, he wants to give me this even though I tell him I do not want it.
He will also go to the shops if we are running low on food etc, he says the shopping is split between them but I am not so sure. I feel like he is providing for her and he shouldn’t be.
Whenever I can afford to buy a take away I always buy one for her, but when she buys one she hardly ever asks the rest of the family and that really pees me off tbh.

Now, the girlfriend is starting a full time job soon and will be earning a wage. My question is, should I be charging her to live with me? People who I have spoke to have said I should charge her £30/£40 per week but I don’t know if that’s too much and I don’t want to seem greedy.
I can’t go on with the way things are. I have gone without meals because I haven’t been able to put enough food on the table to feed the whole family. I have spoke to her about it and she has been to shop and got a couple of meals but then it goes back to the way it has been so I can’t win.
I also do all the cooking, cleaning, washing etc.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
tootiredtobother · 25/08/2021 13:42

yes i would charge her, shes using food, gas electricity water etc.. she would be paying more if she lived out somewhere

RedHelenB · 25/08/2021 13:42

Yanbu.

CoRhona · 25/08/2021 13:42

I don't think it's reasonable that if she's ordering a takeaway she asks the whole family. But I do think if she is there ft and you're doing her food, washing etc, that she contributes.

Wilmaa · 25/08/2021 13:44

I would yes, she's using your utilities that you pay for so she should contribute.

ChickpeaCrunch · 25/08/2021 13:44

If you can't go on with it as it is then you have to really and if she doesnt like it she can live somewhere else.

Starlightstarbright1 · 25/08/2021 13:45

I personally would call a house meeting.

You aren't well enough to work so shouldn't be running around after 2 adults.

Your son is in education so slightly different but can still help out.

She isn't your child and you shouldn't be going without food for an adult though it sounds like she has had her share of issues.

Cyclewidow46 · 25/08/2021 13:45

If she is starting a full time job soon and will still be living at yours then she should be paying you. My DDs bf stayed with us through lockdown and he paid me £100 a month towards food/ bills etc.

DuckDuckGooses · 25/08/2021 13:45

I'd imagine (depending on her wage!) that £200+ a month is a reasonable figure. £50 a week for food bed and bills is a bargain! Smile hopefully this will help take some pressure off you.

Kithic · 25/08/2021 13:45

I have gone without meals because I haven’t been able to put enough food on the table to feed the whole family.

you must charge her rent - she is not your daughter and you really dont have any obligation to let her live with you.
Any idea how much she is earning

DGFB · 25/08/2021 13:46

Oh my word yes. Speak to both of them directly and say you expect them to pay their way. And not just an odd shop but a set amount each week.

ImitationofBeing · 25/08/2021 13:49

Yes. She needs to contribute.

Lockdownlard · 25/08/2021 13:49

Be careful that someone working in the household doesn’t affect your benefits.

ElCaMum · 25/08/2021 13:51

When I started working full time my parents charged me £50 a week and that was 16 years ago so £50 in todays money is more than fair. You need help praying for food and she’ll be earning so only right that she contributes. Even on minimum wage she should be able to afford £50 a week.

mstroutpout · 25/08/2021 13:52

If there's a working adult in your home I think it will affect your benefits so she at least needs to cover the short fall there. But yes, of course she needs to pay her way.

You also need to sit them down and explain that you need help with chores etc. She's taking the piss

DelphiniumBlue · 25/08/2021 13:52

My DS pays me 50 pounds a week. I think I more or less break even, by the time you take heating, hot water, use of washing machine, all utilities eg TV licence council tax and food into account. And she is not your child, you don't need to be subbing her.
I think you should stop being so generous. She should be helping round the house taking on a fair share of the housework, especially if you are not well, and it is really rude for her to accept takeaways from you but not return the favour. It is ridiculous that you are going without food but are feeding her for free. Don't offer her anymore; if you are ordering you can ask her transfer the money for her share before you order, you can say you can't afford it so she needs to pay up front. She is clearly young and probably thoughtless but you have pointed out that it is an issue and she is still not paying . You'll have to be more forceful. Don't make it your son' s issue, either, speak to her directly.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 25/08/2021 13:54

I'll just put this here as a little link to what is perceived as the "going rate" for adult children living at home www.comparethemarket.com/home-insurance/content/pa-rental/ as well as looking on www.spareroom.co.uk/ to see what the going rate is for a room in a shared house.

Basically they should both be falling over backwards to make family meals and do housework and all their own laundry. They have it very cushy don't they?

Stop being a doormat. She is using your utilities and there needs to be a discussion around food and shopping. You should not be doing it all.

I am a SAHM with a disability but most of the time I can function perfectly well, both my teen children do housework and cook family meals.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/08/2021 13:54

Yes she should assist with bills as she’s not your child. I wouldn’t be taking money from a child still in education though.

However what will you do if they both leave if you already can’t cope without a salary?

mickeysminnie · 25/08/2021 13:55

So you currently pay to have the privilege of her living with you?
Why would you be doing her washing and cooking her dinner's when she wasn't working?

thisplaceisapigsty · 25/08/2021 13:58

She should pay living costs, of course. Otherwise she is just earning pocket money for spending on herself. It doesn't have to be a lot, maybe £100 a month. If she was really living independently in a shared house it would be 4 or 5 times that amount!

girlmom21 · 25/08/2021 13:58

I'd ask for £200-250 a month as a minimum if she's going to be working full time.

phishy · 25/08/2021 14:00

Definitely charge her a few hundred a month.

Do you actually want her there? And do you want to be cleaning after her and doing her washing.

I would be 100% telling her to move out.

averylongtimeago · 25/08/2021 14:00

You are doing her washing?!
And his?!
They are 18, adults, they can do their own.
I do hope you are not changing their bed or cleaning their room...

She needs to be contributing for her food and the extra utilities.
Does she know you have gone without meals to feed her?

As previously mentioned you need to be careful of your benefit situation if another working adult (gf) is living with you.

A full and frank discussion is called for- don't be a doormat, you are not their skivvy!

GiantHaystacks2021 · 25/08/2021 14:03

YANBU.
You shouldn't be going hungry like this.
And she's obviously pretty selfish too.
I certainly wouldn't be making the sacrifices you are making for a girl that your DS may well break up with at any time in the future.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 25/08/2021 14:05

I’d speak to them both and say it isn’t working out for her to live with you long term and agree a date for her to move out.

Embracelife · 25/08/2021 14:05

Full time job she pays rent.
How many other dc in your housel?
She can get private rental if she doesn't like it