Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I charge sons gf to live in my house?

81 replies

CrazyCatLadyHere · 25/08/2021 13:39

Sorry this might get a bit long!

My sons girlfriend (both now 18) has been living with me since Xmas day. She used to stay with her mum a couple of days a week for the first couple of months but that has now stopped and is staying with me permanently. She’s never really had a permanent home since she was 16.
She did have a part time job but was only on a small wage but she quit that job in April. She used to give me £20/£30 a month here and there but not always and I haven’t had anything since then.

My son is still in education so I do still get an allowance for him (I don’t work, please don’t judge, I have an illness) but he gives me £50 per month out of his own money but I do not ask him for this, he wants to give me this even though I tell him I do not want it.
He will also go to the shops if we are running low on food etc, he says the shopping is split between them but I am not so sure. I feel like he is providing for her and he shouldn’t be.
Whenever I can afford to buy a take away I always buy one for her, but when she buys one she hardly ever asks the rest of the family and that really pees me off tbh.

Now, the girlfriend is starting a full time job soon and will be earning a wage. My question is, should I be charging her to live with me? People who I have spoke to have said I should charge her £30/£40 per week but I don’t know if that’s too much and I don’t want to seem greedy.
I can’t go on with the way things are. I have gone without meals because I haven’t been able to put enough food on the table to feed the whole family. I have spoke to her about it and she has been to shop and got a couple of meals but then it goes back to the way it has been so I can’t win.
I also do all the cooking, cleaning, washing etc.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 25/08/2021 14:07

Agree that it should be a few hundred a month.

BenjiMcSchmenzie · 25/08/2021 14:08

You should charge her the actual amount that she costs you.

So - assuming there are 3 adults living in the house -

1/3 of the actual gas, electricity, water, broadband and council tax bills

plus her share of the food bill

i.e. putting you back in the position you would have been in had she not moved in.

If they moved out and rented a place of their own, they would also have to pay rent on top so this is a very cushy deal for them!

Oogachuckachopsy · 25/08/2021 14:11

Too fucking right you should. I also agree that £200 PCM is a good figure and an absolute bargain for bed, bath and board.

It sounds like she’s a bit of a lost soul who has taken the piss, inadvertently or otherwise, but at least she’s getting a job now. Fingers crossed it lasts, she accepts she has to pay to live and she grows up a bit.

billy1966 · 25/08/2021 14:11

I think you have been massively take advantage of.

Of course she should contribute or move on.

Tell them the absolute truth of how tight things are.

This is not your child.

You are too kind for your own good.Flowers

EmpressSuiko · 25/08/2021 14:11

Myself and my husband have said we aren’t going to charge our children rent BUT they will be responsible for buying all of their own food/toiletries, paying their own bills, their own cooking, cleaning and laundry.

If they aren’t able to buy their own shopping then they need both need to contribute towards their upkeep, they are adults now and more than capable of looking after themselves.

Didiusfalco · 25/08/2021 14:11

Gosh yes, she has to pay. The fact you’ve been going without for an adult who is not your child is already ridiculous.

msbevvy · 25/08/2021 14:13

What is the council tax situation? Do you currently get the single person reduction? This will change with another adult who is not in education in the house.

LemonFantaGin · 25/08/2021 14:13

Yes you should, she is an extra person that costs more daily (water, electricity, food, washing)

Sit down and discuss what works for both of you, and if she isn't willing she can go back home or look to move out.

YANBU

GemmaRuby · 25/08/2021 14:15

I would say more like £300 per month. She is an adult and will be working. She wouldn’t be able to rent anywhere else that cheaply.

And stop doing their laundry/ cooking etc. You are all adults, you should all be splitting the household chores equally - or they should be doing more as they’re getting such a good deal.

NoNotYou · 25/08/2021 14:16

Remember, your benefit eligibility may be affected.
What about council tax?
Charge her a % of her wages and if she doesn't want to or indeed like it, she can move to mums.
Maybe your son feels stuck with her? Does he want her around?

Driftingblue · 25/08/2021 14:16

I wouldn’t let her live there at all.

If you are going to though, yes she needs to be paying her way. Rent, utilities, food. All of it. It should not cost you anything to have her in your home.

You also aren’t doing her any favors by letting her live in your home without paying real, meaningful rent. She needs to be taking working and budgeting seriously. If she is going to be in your home I would treat her like my own 18 year old who is not on education, that means expecting a full time job and paying 30% of income towards housing, plus covering her own food, toiletries, etc. Any rent that is in excess of actual expenses could be quietly saved in a fund for her, but this way she is learning how to budget her earnings as if she were living independently.

Original poster
CrazyCatLadyHere · 25/08/2021 14:16

Thank you so much everyone. I have been really nervous about posting on here because I was worried I was being unreasonable and get a massive backlash.
I'm going to have a talk to them both and hopefully make a plan on what to do - this must include some kind of rent from sons GF.
I also have a younger daughter and husband at home, hubby obviously helps out and tbh son does cook and do washing but she does sweet fa Hmm

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 25/08/2021 14:18

And tell her you expect her to be saving towards moving out. Put a time limit on it

SarahBop · 25/08/2021 14:23

Where's her mum in all this?

She's taking the piss. She either needs to contribute, or move out. Also can't help but think, she is maybe hoping to get pregnant...she sounds very entitled....

ByThePool2021 · 25/08/2021 14:29

We’ve always told the dc that as soon as we stop getting child benefit (so when they leave education either at 16 or 18) they will be expected to pay rent which is set at 25% of their income. Firstly they need to get in the habit of paying bills and being a responsible adult and contributing to the food, electric etc, but 25% is a fair deal as it’s not taking all their money and leaving them short.

Jerseygirl12 · 25/08/2021 14:34

£220 to £300 per month and don’t buy her any more takeaways. The £300 figure works out at £10 per day.

Embracelife · 25/08/2021 14:47

She is not your daughter.
She is an adult in her own right

Your ds is young this may be first of many girl friends
Did you decide with dh that all future partners will come to live with you?
It doesn't sound like you have money for this...do you have big house?
For whatever reason you took her in
But
It is not your job to provide for her long term if she lives with you
Like your own dc
Lay the rules
She contributes financially and housework

Dddccc · 25/08/2021 15:17

Hmm min wage is around 6.50 for a 18 year old how many hours is new job? I would say charge 25% of her wage with the agreement she saves say 25% to move out

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/08/2021 15:21

Charge her and put a rota in place so everyone is doing some cleaning and washing. Cooking too if you find this difficult.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 25/08/2021 15:22

My mum took half my wages at 17 for my part of the rent, council tax, food and utilities. I earned £800 working full time as an apprentice she took £400 of it. I spent the rest on a monthly bus pass to work,clothes and alcohol.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 25/08/2021 15:27

My mum was a single parent and was not working so the council worked out how much rent and council tax I should pay based on my earnings.

Rannva · 25/08/2021 15:30

That's madness, she needs to stand on her own two feet, not be mooching off someone who isn't even her family. She's crept in and escalated this to actually living there full-time rent free? The best time to put your foot down and say no was then, the second best time is now. She can pay you rent and start looking for somewhere else.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 25/08/2021 15:31

Absolutely! A fixed amount every week or she goes. You should not go without food yourself. If she doesn't pay then SHE skips dinner!

Phoxinusphoxinus · 25/08/2021 15:32

I'm not sure why you feel you could be unreasonable asking for money. You are in effect a parent towards her and raising these issues will help her move towards independence. I think it would be a good idea to talk to your son and his girlfriend about running a household. Get them to start doing their washing, cooking and basically learning how to be adults. They're both past the age where your parents do everything for you. It sounds as if her parenting has probably not been the best so how would she know what is expected of her if you don't tell her.

Driftingblue · 25/08/2021 15:34

really think about the ramifications to your son of having his girlfriend be dependent on living with you. The consequences for breaking up with her now include leaving her without a place to live. That is a lot of pressure to put in your son. He is 18 and not yet independent. He shouldn’t be making serious commitments. It might seem like they are just staying in the same place and it’s no big deal, but in reality it raises the stakes on the relationship exponentially. I’m saying this as a person who made these mistakes as a young adult. It’s not some puritanical notion of right and wrong. It’s much better to have their own places, they can still do what healthy young adults like to do, but if they break up, no one becomes homeless or is stuck with a lease they can’t afford.