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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I charge sons gf to live in my house?

81 replies

CrazyCatLadyHere · 25/08/2021 13:39

Sorry this might get a bit long!

My sons girlfriend (both now 18) has been living with me since Xmas day. She used to stay with her mum a couple of days a week for the first couple of months but that has now stopped and is staying with me permanently. She’s never really had a permanent home since she was 16.
She did have a part time job but was only on a small wage but she quit that job in April. She used to give me £20/£30 a month here and there but not always and I haven’t had anything since then.

My son is still in education so I do still get an allowance for him (I don’t work, please don’t judge, I have an illness) but he gives me £50 per month out of his own money but I do not ask him for this, he wants to give me this even though I tell him I do not want it.
He will also go to the shops if we are running low on food etc, he says the shopping is split between them but I am not so sure. I feel like he is providing for her and he shouldn’t be.
Whenever I can afford to buy a take away I always buy one for her, but when she buys one she hardly ever asks the rest of the family and that really pees me off tbh.

Now, the girlfriend is starting a full time job soon and will be earning a wage. My question is, should I be charging her to live with me? People who I have spoke to have said I should charge her £30/£40 per week but I don’t know if that’s too much and I don’t want to seem greedy.
I can’t go on with the way things are. I have gone without meals because I haven’t been able to put enough food on the table to feed the whole family. I have spoke to her about it and she has been to shop and got a couple of meals but then it goes back to the way it has been so I can’t win.
I also do all the cooking, cleaning, washing etc.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 25/08/2021 15:37

You must have a different pain threshold to me as I'd find this unbearable! She's moved in by stealth and only gives you money when she feels like it? No way.

bakingdemon · 25/08/2021 15:41

Is it worth having a household rota with all jobs (hoovering, emptying the bins, cleaning the bathrooms etc etc) on it? Then you can put both their names on it and then they can't wriggle out of doing anything because they "don't know what needs doing" etc. Totally with all the PPs who said she needs to contribute to bills and food costs as well.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2021 15:43

It's very unfortunate you ever allowed her to live with you. You have forced your son into a commitment that he simply isn't ready for. He's 18 and should be focusing on his studies, not supporting a live-in girlfriend. I would be telling her she needs to find other living arrangements.

VodselForDinner · 25/08/2021 15:43

To be honest, I wouldn’t allow her live there at all. Your DS does not need a live-in girlfriend at 18 and, if he does want to play happy families, they need to move out and get a place of their own.

I think it’s ridiculous that you’ve put up with this for the past nine months.

GeorgiaMcGraw · 25/08/2021 15:45

She should absolutely he paying rent, and £40 is too low. I think my "lodger rent" when I was a uni student at home 10 years ago was £70-100 per week, bills and food included.

Mamamamasaurus · 25/08/2021 15:47

@bakingdemon

This is a cracking idea, holds her responsible and helps you at the same time

You need to charge her something - life doesn't come free and you'll do neither of them any favours if you continue to allow her freeloading

Whatinthelord · 25/08/2021 15:48

Yes perfectly reasonable to ask for rent and the amount you mentioned seems fine.

If you even want her living at yours?!

Could you maybe suggest a joint amount for her and your son to pay….similar to what they would have to do if they were living in their own place. I’d do a set monthly amount rather than let her give you bits and pieces here and there.

I agree with also either adding an amount for her sontroubition towards shopping or giving her and your son a cupboard where they can put food they buy for themselves and not use yours.

gogohm · 25/08/2021 15:51

I think you need to charge the marginal cost of her living there as a minimum - approx £25-30 a week plus she contributes for takeaways, meals out etc.

Embracelife · 25/08/2021 15:52

Why marginal cost?
Agree with pp pointing out the burden on ds of this arrangement
What if they fall out?

Original poster

CrazyCatLadyHere · 25/08/2021 15:53

I want to add that I have said to the GF and son that the GF can't stay here forever. And that she does need to find her own place - this doesn't seem to be happening. When I have questioned my son about it he says "gf can't live without me" and HE wants her there also. I don't particularly want her living in my house anymore and I am secretly hoping that if I put my foot down and say I want money from her it will give her motivation to move out, but I don't want my son to move out with her because I know he will not manage on his own so to speak. But then again I guess he will have to learn the hard way?
She does have a lot of issues with trust and is constantly accusing my son of cheating on her but he wouldn't do anything like that - and believe me I would be the first to know because I have an excellent relationship with my son, we are very open and honest with each other.

Someone mentioned about her getting pregnant, I absolutely made sure she would not get pregnant, she now has a coil - huge relief that was.

OP posts:

Plumtree391 · 25/08/2021 16:01

According to that calculator I could charge £670 a month, £96 of which is for food, the rest rent and share of bills.

It doesn't apply to me anyway, my son is over forty and hasn't lived here for years but that is interesting.

I wouldn't charge that much but it isn't unreasonable for your son's girlfriend to contribute towards bills and food. Divide the bills between the number of adults living in your home and go from there.

Good for her getting a job, I hope it works out for her. If she is a nice girl she will come to you with a suggestion before you speak to her.

Whatinthelord · 25/08/2021 16:04

If you don’t want her there then doesn’t fuss about with the rent thing.
Give her a date that she needs to be out by. You can offer 2-3 months notice to give her time to get a few months rent.

Nocutenamesleft · 25/08/2021 16:05

I paid £250 a month back in 1998!

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2021 16:07

She would have left already if you had demanded it. Of course she's not going to leave on her own, she's able to sponge off of you and your son. As for your son "wanting" her there, he is being made to feel responsible for this girl and undoubtedly has a lot of guilty feeling involved. This is far too much of a burden for an 18 year old. That's why it's your responsibility to make her leave.

SarahBop · 25/08/2021 16:08

@CrazyCatLadyHere

I want to add that I have said to the GF and son that the GF can't stay here forever. And that she does need to find her own place - this doesn't seem to be happening. When I have questioned my son about it he says "gf can't live without me" and HE wants her there also. I don't particularly want her living in my house anymore and I am secretly hoping that if I put my foot down and say I want money from her it will give her motivation to move out, but I don't want my son to move out with her because I know he will not manage on his own so to speak. But then again I guess he will have to learn the hard way? She does have a lot of issues with trust and is constantly accusing my son of cheating on her but he wouldn't do anything like that - and believe me I would be the first to know because I have an excellent relationship with my son, we are very open and honest with each other.

Someone mentioned about her getting pregnant, I absolutely made sure she would not get pregnant, she now has a coil - huge relief that was.

Oh god, she's one of 'those' types eh.

Good luck to your Son. Could you maybe speak to him privately and explain that funding her living there is making you get into debt, so she either needs to move out within a month, or start paying rent with a view to moving out in the next 3 months regardless, as you want your home back.

dontshootmeforthis · 25/08/2021 16:11

@BenjiMcSchmenzie

You should charge her the actual amount that she costs you.

So - assuming there are 3 adults living in the house -

1/3 of the actual gas, electricity, water, broadband and council tax bills

plus her share of the food bill

i.e. putting you back in the position you would have been in had she not moved in.

If they moved out and rented a place of their own, they would also have to pay rent on top so this is a very cushy deal for them!

I disagree. She should be paying more than what it costs her to live there. You don't want her there and are doing all the cooking and cleaning etc. Make her give you more. If she doesn't want to then she can find somewhere else to live!

Notimeforaname · 25/08/2021 16:12

No less than 200 per month.

Notimeforaname · 25/08/2021 16:13

Thats for rent.Bills if it covers them.

Then she needs to buy her own shopping. Give her a shelf in the fridge and a space in a cupboard. Like you do in a house share.

Notimeforaname · 25/08/2021 16:14

You also need to stop cleaning her mess. Anything she doesn't do needs to be left there. Or reminded. Set boundaries . Tell her if they are not met she will be asked to leave. She's 18. Dont enable her to carry on being a child..

Eralos · 25/08/2021 16:17

I’d say 50 a week Is very fair.

MadMadMadamMim · 25/08/2021 16:18

I should be charging £608 a month to any adult staying here, according to that calculator. And actually, they'd be on quite a good deal. Rent round here is a minimum of about £500 a month for a one bed flat - then there's council tax, bills and food on top.

Cocomarine · 25/08/2021 16:19

This is all kinds of fucked up.

You don’t want your son to move out because he won’t cope on his own?

Why - have you and he dad done that bad a job of raising him?

She won’t get pregnant because YOU made sure she’s on the pill?

Step AWAY.

Use this moment of her getting a job to tell her - great, now you can rent, here’s a month’s notice.

KatherineSiena · 25/08/2021 16:20

Of course she should be paying rent/bills/food costs and contributing to the chores of the house. Although your later posts show you actually don’t really want her there and I don’t blame you one jot. Having someone who is not your relative living with you especially one who is freeloading is going to breed a lot of resentment. You must be very tolerant, I certainly wouldn’t accept it.

PerseverancePays · 25/08/2021 16:26

@Phoxinusphoxinus

I'm not sure why you feel you could be unreasonable asking for money. You are in effect a parent towards her and raising these issues will help her move towards independence. I think it would be a good idea to talk to your son and his girlfriend about running a household. Get them to start doing their washing, cooking and basically learning how to be adults. They're both past the age where your parents do everything for you. It sounds as if her parenting has probably not been the best so how would she know what is expected of her if you don't tell her.

This.

billy1966 · 25/08/2021 16:39

So she is controlling of your son?

Get her out.

If he moves too, so be it.

He knows where you are when HE needs you.

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