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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my husband live in a caravan?

119 replies

caravanman · 25/08/2021 08:07

I hope this is not going to sound too far fetched. However, I need a little advice.

My husband and I have not lived together for several years. This is because his behaviour can be challenging and he needs a lot of private space (he has a disability). However, I support him and we see each other daily.

Whilst we have lived apart, he has lodged with an older acquaintance. The arrangement has worked well, but now his landlord's daughter is coming to live with her father, so my husband has to leave. He applied for rehousing by the local authority, but he turned down three offers and he now has to wait for a year before he can apply again.

He cannot live with me, due to the impact of his behaviour on our youngest son (early twenties) who has serious mental health issues.
He cannot live with his elderly mother and father (both late eighties)for similar reasons.

With a little help from me, he has bought a caravan and he intends to live there in a field on my brother's farm. My brother is also rather like my husband (possibly a similar disability). The caravan has a shower, heating and so on.

I will continue to see him on a daily basis and support him. However, am I being unreasonable to think that (despite any behavioural issues) a man in his early sixties, with a recognised disability, should not be living in a caravan in a field, and, if not, what are the alternatives?

OP posts:
womaninatightspot · 25/08/2021 12:36

I don't thjink a caravan will be ideal but it's not going to be awful with heating and water. In a year he can get new options. I know someone mentioned you can't live in the caravan for more than 28 days without PP but to be honest in the sticks who would know / care?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 25/08/2021 12:55

The planning permission issue might be the stick in the mud here, I understood that to be true as well.

But if it’s not applicable where you are, the caravan is really his only option. He’s either not suitable for or has turned down everything else.

It probably won’t be an incredible year but it’s housing, and it sounds like it’ll meet his needs, and hopefully he’ll be a bit more agreeable to what social housing is available next year.

This must be really tough for you.

Ibizan · 25/08/2021 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shinynewapple21 · 25/08/2021 14:16

I think after reading your updates that the caravan sounds a really good idea for him at the moment . Particularly as it's on land which your brother owns. I'm assuming they have a cordial relationship so there is some social aspect there if he needs it, and he has plenty of space . Probably a lot more suitable than if the other options were hostel or bedsit type accommodation which is what the option would be here for a single man .

SarahBop · 25/08/2021 14:17

Could your Son not go into supported housing and your Husband move back home?

Sorry I am a bit baffled by the arrangment...why has he turned down social housing, why are you still married? [I suspect because a divorce would mean he's entitled to half of your current home, which you don't want to leave]

LoislovesStewie · 25/08/2021 14:39

@SarahBop

Could your Son not go into supported housing and your Husband move back home?

Sorry I am a bit baffled by the arrangment...why has he turned down social housing, why are you still married? [I suspect because a divorce would mean he's entitled to half of your current home, which you don't want to leave]

I think you will find that the OP is living in social housing herself; as she and her husband are separated he will be able to apply for housing in his own right.Sadly he has refused offers. As he has autism his thought processes are just 'different'.
ittakes2 · 25/08/2021 14:44

Lots of retirees but caravans and travel around so it makes sense to me!

EmeraldShamrock · 25/08/2021 14:55

Could your Son not go into supported housing and your Husband move back home?
Fuck no the DH was the one causing the misery, my DS ASD no learning difficulties is extremely obsessive and control, I pitied OP reading the thread, it must be horrible living with an adult of that nature.
OP a camper van would be ideal he could move it every 3 weeks and visit nice places.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 25/08/2021 15:09

We have a lonnnggggggggg list of people waiting for a council offer for housing and he turned down 3?! He could have accepted then gone on the transfer list or done an exchange surely that would have been better than living in a caravan.

1forAll74 · 25/08/2021 15:11

It sounds a great idea to me, He must know himself if he will be able to cope with this new style of living. It would suit me, and I am in my 70's. near a farm, so better still.

SarahBop · 25/08/2021 15:12

@EmeraldShamrock

Could your Son not go into supported housing and your Husband move back home? Fuck no the DH was the one causing the misery, my DS ASD no learning difficulties is extremely obsessive and control, I pitied OP reading the thread, it must be horrible living with an adult of that nature. OP a camper van would be ideal he could move it every 3 weeks and visit nice places.
Sorry I missed the part where OP confirmed her husband has ASD?

How has OP become his 'carer' given that they don't live together and haven't for several years. Contact social services, get him a social worker and some support in place, he might get sheltered living or supported living facilities...OP can get a divorce and have a clean break, sounds like she has more than enough to deal with from the Son alone.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 25/08/2021 15:12

What's the question here? He has no other option surely.

TheWoleb · 25/08/2021 15:17

He had alternatives. He turned them down.
It's actually quite surprising that the council offered him housing given he has a wife and children and a home to live in.

He turned down the 3 homes they offered so what else do you want them to do?

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/08/2021 15:19

He had alternatives but he turned them down. This is purely him facing the consequences of that and something you should leave him to get on with.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 25/08/2021 15:30

Is this the abusive hoarder husband who made you homeless by refusing to allow his shit to be cleaned up enough for your children to be safe and able to physically access their rooms? If it's not, I apologise, but nonetheless, he is not your responsibility.

If he has refused safe, warm accommodation in favour of a cold caravan, that's his decision; he clearly has capacity enough to make the decision or he'd be in residential care.

Monestera · 25/08/2021 15:55

The planning permission issue might be the stick in the mud here,

“Fly in the ointment”?

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 25/08/2021 16:06

This sounds like a good solution to me. The caravan should have planning permission but I know some farms do this and as long as the caravan is tucked away and there are no complaints made the council is unaware of it nothing happens.

CrotchetyQuaver · 25/08/2021 16:28

Well autism or not, he's rather brought this situation on himself by turning down the three properties. The farm location sounds like it may work out very well. Hopefully next time the available social housing properties will be in locations that suit him better.

user1471457751 · 25/08/2021 22:52

@SarahBop the OP has said her husband is verbally abusive and lashes out. Why on earth do you think her SEN son should have to leave his home so her abusive husband can move back in?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/08/2021 22:54

Are you implying that the State should house your husband?

Window1 · 26/08/2021 06:40

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Are you implying that the State should house your husband?

Yes.

Excelthetube · 26/08/2021 07:31

Once he’s in the caravan on your brothers land you know he’s never going to leave. Is your brother prepared for that to happen.

Everyone else going on about wether he deserves social housing, well that’s up to the local authorities not some randoms on mumsnet

Hugoslavia · 26/08/2021 07:37

My parents lived in a caravan for two years whilst renovating their house. It's perfectly doable. However, their pipes did freeze up over winter (was connected to mains water and poss gas I think). Make sure that if there are any external pipes they are fully lagged. Also, a decent warm sleeping bag will really help in the winter.

ladyface69 · 26/08/2021 07:50

OP I've read your posts, and you're saying he doesn't think about the long term consequences of his decisions. This has led to him accidentally setting himself alight by the sounds of things as well as making himself homeless. You're also saying he currently doesn't have a social worker.
We need to be asking ourselves if he has the capacity to make these decisions, if he is now having to live in a caravan. You could make an adult safeguarding referral so that social care can assess his current living situation, coping, capacity and support network.
That's what I'd do.

Original poster
caravanman · 26/08/2021 09:38

Hello,

Thank you again for this support. My husband was diagnosed with autism in his late forties, after years of mental ill health which just did not respond to treatment. Like many older adults, he was brought up at a time when ASD was not fully understood and he was just categorised as 'maladjusted' when he was at school. He sort of 'left' school when he was fourteen (that is to say, his attendance was a poor as it could be without further intervention).
His employment history is spurious, but he managed to maintain self employment for several years, until his MH spiralled out of control again. So, he has a lot of 'baggage'.
The caravan is arriving on Monday, and my brother seems fine with the arrangement (however, he is also a bit unpredictable in terms of his moods).
Ladyface69, I do wonder at his capacity sometimes, and, as long as I have known him (23 years), he seems to be oblivious to the long term consequences of his actions and decisions. He still does not fully understand why we live apart and why his interactions with our sons are limited.
When I have asked what the alternatives are, I am asking as a genuine question. I do not know what alternatives there are. The safeguarding route may indeed be necessary if the planned arrangement breaks down.
My youngest son is very slowly making progress. He will recover enough to make something fantastic of his life, likewise our eldest who, although more seriously affected, is making some small, positive steps towards a rewarding and fulfilling life. My husband, I fear, is getting worse as he gets older. Perhaps the isolation in the caravan will give him time to regulate himself and develop a routine that suits him.
Why am I still married to him? Really, it is because he is so very, very vulnerable. Also, I am in my early sixties and not looking for another partner (Hell No!). We live apart and I cannot leave him with no support, so there is little point in not being married.

OP posts: