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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my husband live in a caravan?

119 replies

caravanman · 25/08/2021 08:07

I hope this is not going to sound too far fetched. However, I need a little advice.

My husband and I have not lived together for several years. This is because his behaviour can be challenging and he needs a lot of private space (he has a disability). However, I support him and we see each other daily.

Whilst we have lived apart, he has lodged with an older acquaintance. The arrangement has worked well, but now his landlord's daughter is coming to live with her father, so my husband has to leave. He applied for rehousing by the local authority, but he turned down three offers and he now has to wait for a year before he can apply again.

He cannot live with me, due to the impact of his behaviour on our youngest son (early twenties) who has serious mental health issues.
He cannot live with his elderly mother and father (both late eighties)for similar reasons.

With a little help from me, he has bought a caravan and he intends to live there in a field on my brother's farm. My brother is also rather like my husband (possibly a similar disability). The caravan has a shower, heating and so on.

I will continue to see him on a daily basis and support him. However, am I being unreasonable to think that (despite any behavioural issues) a man in his early sixties, with a recognised disability, should not be living in a caravan in a field, and, if not, what are the alternatives?

OP posts:
OverweightPidgeon · 25/08/2021 08:37

Sounds like he’s being a bit of a martyr to me and isn’t really helping himself.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 25/08/2021 08:41

And in a year he will have the opportunity to apply for local authority housing again. I wouldn't try to shield him from the reality of living in a caravan at your own expense (time and money), don't enable him too much to stay in the caravan. If he sees living in a caravan long term will be difficult, he will be more inclined to accept local authority housing next year.

MurielSpriggs · 25/08/2021 08:42

You'd need to provide more information as to why you think it might be unsuitable. But in the absence of that it sounds fine.

Overthebow · 25/08/2021 08:42

The alternative was not turning down the social housing options. Did he get support through that process? If not maybe you could help get support set up for him ready to help with the process when he can apply again in a year.

Gimlisaxe · 25/08/2021 08:47

Like PP I am also confused about what else you think he should be offered.

Hopefully since he was offered the 3, it has been established he has no claim to your home? Which might be the councils next steps, having read some of the horror stories about what can be expected of families

Givemebackmylilo · 25/08/2021 08:49

There were alternatives, but he rejected them

Dogscanteatonions · 25/08/2021 08:52

In most authorities it's really really hard for a single man to get social housing, so having turned down three offers this is his alternative. Lots of people do live in caravans.

Window1 · 25/08/2021 08:52

However, am I being unreasonable to think that (despite any behavioural issues) a man in his early sixties, with a recognised disability, should not be living in a caravan in a field, and, if not, what are the alternatives?

He had three other alternatives which he refused. Sounds like he has put himself in this position.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 25/08/2021 08:53

The word caravan can cover a multitude of things. Some perfectly nice and decent, others less so. Which is his?

Also, as others have said, hard cheese! Let him get on with it.

LemonFantaGin · 25/08/2021 08:53

Will he have an electric hook up?
It doesn't sound like an ideal situation.

averylongtimeago · 25/08/2021 08:55

Practicalities of living in a caravan (I have done it for a number of years).

Damp: modern caravans are pretty well insulated, but steam from cooking and using the shower can be a problem- so regular ventilation is important. Dry out the walls of the shower after use- many caravans don't have a plastic lined shower, just wallboard.

You have to be tidy and keep up to date with keeping it clean- otherwise you drown in mess.

Mud: a real pain as it gets tramped in in the winter. Has he got an awning?

Washing: launderettes are expensive and drying clothes in the caravan can cause damp.

Calor gas is expensive- much better to have electric hookup for heating and hot water. Cooking also - I used an electric hob, halogen oven and kettle.

If we have another really cold winter, the water container and pipes under the van can freeze- they need to be insulated.

After saying all that, I know people who live in their vans all year, including several in their 60's or 70's. In can be done, and if you like the outdoor life, can work well.

WeAreTheHeroes · 25/08/2021 08:56

It's a situation of his own making as he turned down three offers of social housing.

icedcoffees · 25/08/2021 08:56

Well - he didn't have to, did he? He was offered three types of social housing and turned them all down Confused

Ughmaybenot · 25/08/2021 08:57

Given he turned down every other alternative, no, there probably aren’t too many alternative-alternatives!
But you’re being a bit dramatic about the caravan. Presuming it’s a static as opposed to a touring, they can actually be perfectly pleasant to live in. I did for several years and only moved out due to a relationship breakdown.

HaveANiceFuckingDay · 25/08/2021 08:58

He's lucky he's been offered any housing never mind 3 properties . My sons GF kicked him out and despite having his toddler son very regularly he was entitled to nothing from the council and is on a very small wage he can't private rent
Unless your husband has a physical disability that he can't climb stairs and was offered a top floor flat with no lift I'm sorry I have very little sympathy for him

ConstanceGracy · 25/08/2021 08:59

Why can’t he? Seems a good solution.
He can’t be in that much dire straights if he’s turned down 3 properties!

knittingaddict · 25/08/2021 09:03

I'm surprised that he was able to claim local authority houses in your circumstances. It sounds like you are a couple still and not actually separated. I'm pretty sure that they don't hand out houses to people who have a marital home to live in.

Turning down the houses was a huge mistake as well.

Is this a physical or mental disability? I thought it was physical at the beginning because of the extra space needed, but sounds like it's something else if he can live in a caravan.

Givemebackmylilo · 25/08/2021 09:04

So very curious as to what, OP, you think the alternatives should be

Tomnooktoldmeto · 25/08/2021 09:04

If you offered any of my family with autism a noisy council flat or a caravan in the countryside they would all take the caravan

We had a modern static caravan in Snowdonia, it was idyllic, calm and quiet. we had central heating and double glazing and coped happily till it dropped to -5, at which point pipes started to freeze so just make sure they’re well insulated

You soon get used to van life, some even built porches to take of wet and muddy stuff in to stop it tracking in

Binnaggy · 25/08/2021 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

bellabasset · 25/08/2021 09:19

The properties offered may well have been unsuitable for him due to his disability. I can't imagine living in a bedsitting room in an HMO or a tower block whereas some people would love it. If he doesn't want to be surrounded by people living in a caravan that's heated with shower facilities may be a better option for him if he's unsociable.

AlbertBridge · 25/08/2021 09:20

Is your husband a hoarder? That's the only thing that makes sense to me.

ShingleBeach · 25/08/2021 09:22

It actually sounds like a good solution, to me.

Plenty of people live happily and healthily with a lot less than heating and an indoor shower etc.

Hopefully when he can apply for social housing again he will accept.

This all sounds very difficult for you OP, but guilt and worry about a man living with heating, a bed, a shower, a family support network etc is really not something you need to add to your burdens.

Original poster
caravanman · 25/08/2021 09:26

Thank you for the replies. I must admit, I was a bit surprised about the amount of advice offered. This is very much appreciated.

I will just clarify one or two points. Many people have asked why my husband turned down the three offers of housing from the LA. Two were, in my opinion, very suitable. However, despite advice from me and other family members, my husband felt they were either too far away from his support network, or in a place where he had negative experiences before. I think both factors were excuses rather than reasons and the underlying reason was fear of change. The third choice was a flatlet in a retirement home and my husband's response was to melt down when he visited. It was not really suitable.

My husband's disability is autism. I do not really find labels of functionality helpful. He has no learning disability, but he has a history of poor impulse control and poor decision making. He had to move from the family home (also social housing) due to the impact his behaviour had on our two sons. Both sons have SEN and our eldest lives in supported housing.

With respect to still being a couple, this is a very interesting point. We are still married, but we have not lived together for six years. This has never been a problem with respect to social housing. It may have been problematic if we claimed housing benefit, or in particular, if we claimed housing benefit as single people, but cohabited. I work from home, so there is no issue there with respect to befits and so on.
The impact of his autism seems to have got worse as he has aged. This could be because, although his relationship with his parents is problematic, they were a source of strong support throughout his life. Now they are very frail and his mother has the beginnings of dementia.
Tomnooktoldmeto - you make an excellent point. The caravan does offer my husband peace and quiet and he can help out on my brother's farm. As others say, it could only be for a year.
Thanks again for the support.

OP posts:
AdventuresDownRabbitholes · 25/08/2021 09:33

So long as the caravan is in decent condition, and has running water and electricity, it sounds like it will be a good option for him - near his support network, but living alone.

If it doesn't work out for him then, after a year he will (miraculously) have alternatives presented to him and he can make an informed decision about what will suit him best. He doesn't have learning difficulties, so I'd expect him to be able to weigh that up.