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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner going to wedding on his own...

136 replies

Fizfiona · 24/08/2021 23:31

My partner's friend is getting married next week and my partner lied about the invitation claiming it was just him invited but I just found it in the drawer with both our names on.

I asked why did he lie about it, I did say to him at the time I found it strange to not invite a partner of 9 years and was he sure I wasn't invited too, when he let slip his mate and mates mrs was staying in the same hotel as him. He kept up the lie saying she was keeping numbers down.. then I said I knew he was lying. He said it was easier if he just went on his own. It's the evening part and he needs to stay in a hotel that night as it's a bit of a drive away.

I'm really hurt and thinking the worst. I feel like he didn't want to have to introduce me to his friends. I don't usually do 'glam' but I would have enjoyed dressing up and going. He even made me go shopping with him while he spent money on a new suit but now I feel that he didn't want me to go as he doesn't want to have to pay out of the family pot for a new dress for me as I don't have any dresses. None.

I would have enjoyed going. I could have gone with him, stayed in the hotel too. Everyone else is taking partners but he didn't want me there. Is this normal and I should just stop being sensitive?

OP posts:
BasiliskStare · 25/08/2021 03:28

@PopcornMuncher I don't think OP is being stupid - I have - as I said before gone to weddings without DH - DH has gone on fancy trips abroad without me - I am fine with both of those - my point is as long as you both know & agree - it is fine.

Enough from me

NatriumChloride · 25/08/2021 03:50

@PopcornMuncher

I’d be wondering about his motives for wanting to go to that type of event without his long term partner.

Hmm, whatever could his motive be? 🙄

Anyone with 2 functioning brain cells knows the answer.

This is the type of response that ensures I will never come to MN for help if I have a serious life or relationship problem.

OP sounds ground down from years of bad treatment, comes to MN for help and is.dismissed as being stupid Angry

No one called the OP stupid. It was in response to a PP. 🙄

OP, this isn’t normal and the fact that your partner has lied about it continually is a huge red flag. Like others have stated, this would give me cause to re-evaluate the relationship, too. 😔 I’m sorry.

PopcornMuncher · 25/08/2021 03:54

Ah my mistake. Apologies.

OP still needs to sack off this "partner"

NewlyGranny · 25/08/2021 05:29

Several possibilities, none of them good:

He might be ashamed of you and unwilling to be seen at an important event with you by his side;

He might be worried you'll get ideas about getting married to him;

He might not want to spend joint money on a nice outfit for you;

He might be planning to cheat on you if he gets a chance.

None of these are what a loving partner would be thinking, OP, and lying to you repeatedly in the face of your bewildered disappointment would be a deal breaker for many. Leaving the invitation around for you to find shows him to be either careless, cruel or stupid or all three. Or perhaps he thinks you're too stupid to find it?

Is this man really worthy to spend his life with you?

NumberTheory · 25/08/2021 05:35

As others have said - not at all normal.

There's the lying to you.
There's the not wanting to introduce you to his friends (whom you haven't met even though you've been with him for 9 years?! That's pretty bad).
There's the possibility he's looking to cheat on you while he's there.

That's more than enough to be reevaluating your relationship.

Then there's the bit about your suspicion he didn't want you to come in part because he didn't want to spend "family money" on an outfit for you, even though he's happy to spend family money on himself. Is this something that happens a lot? Does he get significantly more "family money" spent on him that you do? Do you get as much say in what money gets spent on? Because that sounded a bit worrying (and also enough, on it's own, to warrant reassessing your relationship).

How do you feel about him more generally? Does the relationship still feel like a good partnership - like you still both love and like each other?

rwalker · 25/08/2021 05:43

Going again the grain but perhaps he could of approached it better .But it's hard work going to a wedding when partner doesn't't know anyone you spend the night look after them rather than catching up with friends

Honestly I'd be pleased if my partner did this my idea of hell going somewhere where I didn't know anyone and my partner was saddled with me rather than having a rare catch up with friends .

NewlyGranny · 25/08/2021 05:48

rwalker, it's one thing if your partner discusses it with you and you both decide they'd better go alone; it's quite another thing to be lied to about even being invited!

Hekatestorch · 25/08/2021 05:49

Op, I am projecting my own experience here. I am mixed race, so the only time I have ever known someone not introduce their partner of many years to friends, is when there a clash of religion (and also race in some situations).

Is he a different religion to you? I have known lots of men, occasionally women, date people outside the religion and keeps the person separate. We all know the person exists. The family usually pretend they don't know, but they do. If his family wouldn't be happy with him being with somebody outside the religion and/or race. This won't end well. He will walk away, to marry someone else.

Like I said, that's just my experience. I don't even know people who are prolific cheaters who keep their partner so separate.

But, even if its not that, there's no good reason for not introducing you to his friends for 9 years. Either its the above (and the relationship won't go anywhere, even if you have kids) or he has been up to no good this entire time.

On the other hand, after 9 years of never been included with his friends and accepting this, you would not have expected to go even if you were invited. You either accept the relationship as is. Or walk away.

I would be walking away.

Kollamoolitumarellipawkyrollo · 25/08/2021 05:51

@1forAll74

I would just think he want's a break on his own, for reasons unknown, as I am not a person who always conjures up dubious reasons for peoples behaviours.
Which would be ok if he hadn’t lied about it. Repeatedly.
rwalker · 25/08/2021 05:51

@NewlyGranny

Some people lie not for sinister reasons just to avoid confrontation and it's easier .

KarenofSparta · 25/08/2021 05:56

@Excelthetube

My god. You even have to ask.
My thoughts exactly.
SamiReed1 · 25/08/2021 05:59

@rwalker How long is he planning on keeping his life partner a secret for everyone? 10 more years? 15? Isn't there a line to be drawn somewhere?

It's the lying, the sneaking around that's the problem. That is not a committed, loving, open and honest relationship. I have never in my entire life heard of a man (or woman) lying to their significant other about a wedding invite, just to 'catch up with friends'. No other couple has a problem with catching up with their friends and a wedding with their significant partner there. That's not normal.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 25/08/2021 05:59

The continual lying ..massive red flag from me...

For whatever reason that have been mentioned up thread : to cheat/take drugs /keep you away from another who may 'spill the beans' about some secret? Sorry OP, all pretty grimFlowers

I've been to colleagues' weddings when my partner wasn't invited, but this was a group of colleagues, where no partners were invited. The intention was keeping numbers down not a free pass to do whatever.

This sounds completely different.

SamiReed1 · 25/08/2021 05:59

[quote rwalker]@NewlyGranny

Some people lie not for sinister reasons just to avoid confrontation and it's easier .[/quote]
If you have to lie, there is a problem. Full stop. End of story.

Divebar2021 · 25/08/2021 06:02

now I feel that he didn't want me to go as he doesn't want to have to pay out of the family pot for a new dress for me as I don't have any dresses. None

What’s the situation with money normally? Don’t you have access to buy your own clothes? The way you added that “none” on the end seems to say you’d love a dress. It sounds like a shit, hurtful situation all around.

NewlyGranny · 25/08/2021 06:05

rwalker, I deduce that we must have very different ideas both about personal integrity and about what is acceptable behaviour within an intimate relationship. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Shoxfordian · 25/08/2021 06:06

There’s nothing good about this and it’s not excusable to lie to your partner because you think it’ll be easier to not have to look after them. He should want you to go with him and be happy to be in your company.

Hekatestorch · 25/08/2021 06:07

Just to note. Op has another thread where she describes his friends as lovely and is saying she doesn't want to go to a party because of how she looks and that they have no money for her to get some decent clothes. But that he wants her to go.

She didn't come back to that one either, so I am not sure we are getting the full picture.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 25/08/2021 06:12

Posts like this blow my mind.

Why are living like this? Never met his friends and his obviously aiming to pull and shag someone on his “free weekend away”.

Just how can any sane women not only put up with this, but need other people to point out how shit his treating them....it’s mind blowing.

I just don’t get it.

Blueskytoday06 · 25/08/2021 06:21

He wants to hook up with a bridesmaid.

KarenofSparta · 25/08/2021 06:22

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4317331-AIBU-to-not-want-to-go-to-partners-friends-party

Ok I'm confused too now OP. Is it him not wanting you to go or YOU not wanting to go?

The clearer you are the more people can help.

Blueskytoday06 · 25/08/2021 06:27

@Hekatestorch

Just to note. Op has another thread where she describes his friends as lovely and is saying she doesn't want to go to a party because of how she looks and that they have no money for her to get some decent clothes. But that he wants her to go.

She didn't come back to that one either, so I am not sure we are getting the full picture.

Just read.

Perhaps OP it's because you have children that you state in your other post that you have no-one to watch???

I thought there was no budget for a dress??

Can you come back and clarify please.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/08/2021 06:27

@Hekatestorch

Just to note. Op has another thread where she describes his friends as lovely and is saying she doesn't want to go to a party because of how she looks and that they have no money for her to get some decent clothes. But that he wants her to go.

She didn't come back to that one either, so I am not sure we are getting the full picture.

Well that’s equally odd.
girlmom21 · 25/08/2021 06:27

I don't think the fact you haven't met his friends is that weird. People don't only have one set of friends. My best friend has been with her DP for 9 years and I only met him briefly last year. OP are these old school friends or friends he sees regularly?

You talk about family money - HE wouldn't be taking out of family money to buy you a dress, you both would. Do you have DCs? Who normally babysits? Could it be a childcare issue?

The lying is the issue.
Everything else may possibly be understandable.

speakout · 25/08/2021 06:30

I don't think the reason is obvious at all.

I do agree it is a horrible and quite inforgivable thing to do, but the reasons are not crystal clear.

The reasons will be unpleasant no doubt but could be anything.

He may want to appear single because he is hoping to score. He may not have told his friends because he is embarrassed by his wife, for some reason, want to keep her a secret from his mates. He may have a guilty secret- a transvestite habit for instance he wants to keep from his wife, or a recent criminal prosecution, or teenage kids that the OP doesn't know about.
He may already be already taking someone else- having an affair, or a double life.
Whatever he reason the OP has a right to be angry and upset- and a right to an explanation.