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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner going to wedding on his own...

136 replies

Fizfiona · 24/08/2021 23:31

My partner's friend is getting married next week and my partner lied about the invitation claiming it was just him invited but I just found it in the drawer with both our names on.

I asked why did he lie about it, I did say to him at the time I found it strange to not invite a partner of 9 years and was he sure I wasn't invited too, when he let slip his mate and mates mrs was staying in the same hotel as him. He kept up the lie saying she was keeping numbers down.. then I said I knew he was lying. He said it was easier if he just went on his own. It's the evening part and he needs to stay in a hotel that night as it's a bit of a drive away.

I'm really hurt and thinking the worst. I feel like he didn't want to have to introduce me to his friends. I don't usually do 'glam' but I would have enjoyed dressing up and going. He even made me go shopping with him while he spent money on a new suit but now I feel that he didn't want me to go as he doesn't want to have to pay out of the family pot for a new dress for me as I don't have any dresses. None.

I would have enjoyed going. I could have gone with him, stayed in the hotel too. Everyone else is taking partners but he didn't want me there. Is this normal and I should just stop being sensitive?

OP posts:

PrincessNutella · 25/08/2021 00:14

He made you go shopping with him, you share a family pot of money...but you aren't married, you don't know his friends and he doesn't invite you to a wedding? Sweetheart, you take that family pot and get yourself a real family.

Blindering · 25/08/2021 00:15

'''I wouldn’t be as upset if he said he wanted to go on his own as it’s a chance to meet up with his mates etc but the constant lying would really annoy me and I’d definitely see it as a red flag.''

Whilst I agree with you to an extent I still think I'd be very upset if my partner of 9 years wanted to go to a wedding on their own without me. In my view when you are in a relationship you come as a team, an item, an 'us'. You are no longer just an individual but have to consider your partner's needs too.

Hellotoallmyfans · 25/08/2021 00:18

Hmmm...is there possibly someone going he'd like to cop off with? That's what I'd be thinking.

Whatever his reasons, he's a wrong-un. I couldn't stay with someone who did that to me.

Goneblank38 · 25/08/2021 00:25

I'm so sorry OP. He's a total prick. This isn't normal and you deserve better. It's time to leave. This man sounds like he's already done a number of your self esteem. I wouldn't bother talking to him about it to be honest. You know he's dishonest and untrustworthy. I'd just leave. Good luck OP.

Clymene · 25/08/2021 00:28

Dump him. This guy has been cheating on you for years

Blindering · 25/08/2021 00:30

''Whatever his reasons, he's a wrong-un. I couldn't stay with someone who did that to me.''

this, he just sounds so completely toxic and I am sorry but I am always willing to give partners of mners the benefit of the doubt.

I have even defended them on this as I feel that a lot of the ''bad behaviour'' mners raise of their partners is just that but it's usually forgivable and can be excused but that posters can be ott on how terrible x,y and z is.
But on this occasion I will agree with the above post in that he sounds like a complete shit and get out of there now.

spotcheck · 25/08/2021 00:31

Totally not normal.
Two of my exes did this. One so he could flirt with a member of the regular crowd, another so he could keep me very separate from everyone else in his life. It's easier to lie that way.

Eatenpig · 25/08/2021 00:34

Far far from normal. I'd not trust him. One bit

Tallisimo · 25/08/2021 00:36

I can only echo what others have said. Nine years and he hasn’t introduced you to his friends? Lies about the invite. Not wanting you to be there? This isn’t good enough, OP, not by a long chalk. You deserve much, much better.

armanted · 25/08/2021 00:37

Did he go on a stag do? Might he prefer you not to hear any gossip?

Whatever the reason, it's nasty.

Blindering · 25/08/2021 00:39

''Whatever the reason, it's nasty.''

yea I think it's one of those scenarios whereby the proverb applies that ''when somebody shows you who there are believe them.''

Eatenpig · 25/08/2021 00:39

And you don't do glam and have not one dress? All fine if that's your choice. I only have 2-3 dresses. But : Sounds like you not allowed to buy from 'family pot' ?!??
He's seriously devaluing you.
There is something very wrong about this relationship.
Are you supporting him?

Hellotoallmyfans · 25/08/2021 00:44

He even made me go shopping with him while he spent money on a new suit but now I feel that he didn't want me to go as he doesn't want to have to pay out of the family pot for a new dress for me as I don't have any dresses. None.

I would have enjoyed going. I could have gone with him, stayed in the hotel too. Everyone else is taking partners but he didn't want me there. Is this normal and I should just stop being sensitive?

Just reading the OP again - I have to say it's like something out of Cinderella! Of course it's not normal OP - he sounds abusive and you don't even know what a normal relationship looks like any more.
Are you making any plans to leave him? Is that a possibility for you?

QueenBee52 · 25/08/2021 00:50

Makes you wonder what else he blatantly lies to you about ... 😳

Elkey · 25/08/2021 01:21

There isn't much that could induce me to stay with a man who did this.

Whatever is truly going on here, and all the lies aside, he doesn't love you properly.

Get rid, buy a dress, and find somewhere to wear it!

Chloemol · 25/08/2021 01:23

No it’s not normal and I would be reevaluating the relationship

MorriseysGladioli · 25/08/2021 01:27

My first thought is that he thinks he may get lucky there.
Horrible for you.

WTF475878237NC · 25/08/2021 01:33

I'd assume he's hoping to cheat on you at the wedding!

It's not unusual especially with Covid to have no partners however, you have seen your name on the invite! So, whatever his motives, he is a liar.

SamiReed1 · 25/08/2021 02:03

That's disrespectful to you. I would say if he goes on his own, don't come back. Because his stuff will be out on the doorstep.

I would not back down on this.

Sadiecow · 25/08/2021 02:13

@Chloemol

No it’s not normal and I would be reevaluating the relationship

This

BasiliskStare · 25/08/2021 02:26

As a previous poster said @Kite22 I do not think there is any problem with friends / colleagues inviting people without partners. I have been to those kind of things & they are fine. However if you were specifically invited and not had a proper conversation with DP - different matter.

I suppose if you trust him and he says it would be easier with his friends - well fair enough - but if he is not in a boys invitation & all others partners who were invited are going - hmmmmm

For avoidance of doubt I do think it is OK to invite friends without partners if budget is what it is - but normally you can see how that works. So e.g. social / work friends go without partners but they all know each other. But there would be a quorum of friends / colleagues without partners. Not just one.

Frodogo · 25/08/2021 02:59

That was wrong of him. He should have been honest with you. Whatever his reasoning, keeping it a secret was the answer.

I would take this opportunity to examine the relationship. Is it really working? Do you want to stay with him? Do you think he's worth investing more of your life in him? You're not unreasonable to be hurt and angry, and imo it wouldn't be unreasonable to leave someone for something like this. Relatively small things can be just what it takes for us to realise that something's not right and we're not happy, valued, or respected in a relationship.

Frodogo · 25/08/2021 03:00

*keeping it a secret was NOT the answer.

1forAll74 · 25/08/2021 03:09

I would just think he want's a break on his own, for reasons unknown, as I am not a person who always conjures up dubious reasons for peoples behaviours.

PopcornMuncher · 25/08/2021 03:11

I’d be wondering about his motives for wanting to go to that type of event without his long term partner.

Hmm, whatever could his motive be? 🙄

Anyone with 2 functioning brain cells knows the answer.

This is the type of response that ensures I will never come to MN for help if I have a serious life or relationship problem.

OP sounds ground down from years of bad treatment, comes to MN for help and is.dismissed as being stupid

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