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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF. DSD, DSDs mum and dog

982 replies

Purplewishes · 24/08/2021 20:31

Currently on mat leave with twins, also have a toddler and DSD13 who stays between 2-4 nights a week depending on what she wants to do.

Have a great relationship with DSD and been in her life since she was 4 and usually have a good relationship with her mum.

DSD has a dog at her mum's, it's a small dog, unsure of the breed, it's yappy and it's not house trained and still pees and shits in the house. (DSD tells me this) I am not a great lover of dogs (traumatic experience when I was younger so please don't let the dog lovers hate me) anyway DSD has been talking a lot recently about her dog and she should bring it to meet the twins (?) Obv met with a laugh and "no chance"

I got a message from her mum a few days ago "Hiya, just a random question, are you a dog person?" To which I replied no. She then messaged back and said "oh well if you want to take the dog this weekend for us then I'm sure you will become one" She has a weekend away with her partner that has been booked for ages (which we obv knew about for childcare for DSD) I messaged her back joking and said no way. A few messages back and forth and she explained that her dog care had fallen through at the last min and she's really stuck.
She said that she either will need to cancel the weekend or that me and DSD would need to travel back and forward to her house twice a day to walk the dog so that would be two half hour round trips. I said no that I would be busy and she Jokingly said it would give me something to do while on mat leave

Also to note DSD will be in school on the Thurs and friday so her mum would be expecting me, the toddler and the twins to all take the journey to walk the dog ourselves.

Spoke to DSD who has been begging me to allow the dog to come and I was starting to feel a bit guilty and was starting to consider it UNTIL she let the cat out of the bag and said her mum had never booked dog care in the first place and had told DSD the dog would always be coming with her to our house.

AIBU to just sit and laugh knowing there's not a fuckin chance in the world I'm doing it now

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplewishes · 25/08/2021 07:52

@diddl DH is working Thurs Fri and Monday so he wouldn't be here to walk the dog and as he's self employed losing 3 days wages to take it off to walk the dog on his own when DSD is at school isn't an option we were willing to entertain.

We did say to DSD that she could miss her football game on Saturday if she wanted to go and get the dog and walk it at the weekend... Needless to say she wanted to go to football.

I think bringing up losing money is a way to try and guilt trip me to change my mind. She leaves tomorrow morning so not sure what she will do

OP posts:
Cerebelle · 25/08/2021 07:54

"Good luck finding a kennel or dog sitter with spaces. Hope it all works out! Smile"

The passive aggressive smiley is perfect for this.

rookiemere · 25/08/2021 07:56

If the plan all along was for Ddog to stay at OPs then OP should have been consulted before it was purchased.

heldinadream · 25/08/2021 07:58

She is taking the monumental piss OP and I'd be very wary of her after this.
Ask her if she's going to try ringing any kennels for a last minute place. Then make comforting noises - it's such a lot of money to lose, isn't it? I'd be so pissed off with myself if I'd failed to make an arrangement for a dog and then lost money like that. Still it's easy to miss a detail isn't it? You can have a lovely relaxing weekend at home - what an unexpected bonus!

Whatinthelord · 25/08/2021 07:58

@gogohm

To be honest, if it's dsds dog then I would start to realise that it may come with her, it's not fair on the dog to be left (whether she should have bought a dog is a different matter!) we've ended up up with dp's DD's cat because her mum said it had to go - I'm allergic to cats but I couldn't break her heart and send it to rehoming. Not ideal but you do these things for the kids not their parents
But presumably it was DSDs mum who decided to buy it for her. So it’s her, as the parent who bought it, responsibility.

I certainly wouldn’t be taking on an animal I didn’t want because my DHs ex wanted to buy one.

I’m sure DSD is old enough to understand and obseverve that looking after 3 young kids is hard work enough.

Original poster
Purplewishes · 25/08/2021 07:59

@gogohm I understand where your coming from but there's no way I would ever entertain having a dog full time. I was attacked by a dog as a child and have a lovely scar to remind me of it. I don't mind being in the vicinity of dogs but them jumping up etc still makes me nervous esp with the toddler and twins. Although toddler loves dogs so I'm happy it's not something that I outwardly project onto her.
I'm not sure if it's solely DSD dog or a family dog to be honest.

OP posts:
Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 25/08/2021 08:01

Remind her you are happy to be allocated some responsibility for her dc but her ddog is a step too far...

SingToTheSky · 25/08/2021 08:01

What an idiot. Some people get pets without thinking through all the aspects of care - like what you will do with them when on holiday! 🤬

Good point about whether she’s bothered vaccinating or worming them too 🤢

Original poster
Purplewishes · 25/08/2021 08:01

@rookiemere absolutely. If she had came to me weeks ago and asked properly and gave me time to think and weigh it up there would have been more chance of me to agree and come to terms with having the dog here. Not springing it on me two days before she's due to leave assuming I will agree

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 25/08/2021 08:01

A dog is never a child’s dog. Any responsible and sensible parent knows if you buy your child a dog, it’s really your dog. There’s a reason pet shops won’t sell animals to children - they aren’t capable of fully committing to such a huge responsibility.

Kanaloa · 25/08/2021 08:02

So regardless of whether dsd calls it her dog or not, it’s on her mum to organise care for it, certainly not you or the child.

rookiemere · 25/08/2021 08:02

Rookiedog is placid ( normally) and good with DCs but we still made other arrangements for his care on extended family holiday with our toddler niece as I don't think dogs and toddlers mix unless the dog was there before the toddler.

Believe it or not there are people who want to look after dogs for free she just needs to join Borrowmydoggy but she's left it too late.

diddl · 25/08/2021 08:05

I was thinking of walking before & after school/work, not that your husband would be taking time off.

That maybe you could take her after school.

Obviously depends on how far apart the houses are.

Shame she can't get herself there.

But not being willing to give up her football, I wouldn't be at all impressed with.

Doesn't sound as if any of them really want the dog-not enough to put the work in.

Whatinthelord · 25/08/2021 08:05

Op who bought the dog. If DH bought it or partly bought it then my opinion would change. I think in that situation he should take some responsibility for it too ( not you).

The reply from the ex was cheeky. It’s 100% her problem if she has left it this close to going away to sort out dog care. Maybe she was just that sure she could dump the dog on you.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/08/2021 08:07

Well done for not giving in to the guilt trip. It’s not your dog or responsibility. Your responsibility will be the four children you will be sole carer for.

Muma1992 · 25/08/2021 08:08

@gogohm

To be honest, if it's dsds dog then I would start to realise that it may come with her, it's not fair on the dog to be left (whether she should have bought a dog is a different matter!) we've ended up up with dp's DD's cat because her mum said it had to go - I'm allergic to cats but I couldn't break her heart and send it to rehoming. Not ideal but you do these things for the kids not their parents
It is not DSDs dog. She is 13 years old. It is her mum's dog.
Eddielzzard · 25/08/2021 08:09

The guilt tripping and manipulation would make me dig my heels in. She's fucked up. Not your problem. Especially with a dog that's not house trained!

ChickpeaCrunch · 25/08/2021 08:12

Op who bought the dog. If DH bought it or partly bought it then my opinion would change. I think in that situation he should take some responsibility for it too ( not you)

This would have been agreed at the time of the divorce though.

tickledtiger · 25/08/2021 08:12

It’s a shame DSD mum might not go on her trip but it’s all on her. How long has she had the dog? I would’ve gotten it booked in with a sitter or kennel ages ago. Not try to ambush a family member who a. Hates dogs and b. Has twin babies and a toddler to look after. Bloody hell! You’d think she wouldn’t want to jeopardise your good relationship.
It’s all on her op don’t feel guilty.

starskey80 · 25/08/2021 08:12

That is so cheeky. To even think someone with two babies and a toddler would have the time or energy for a dog is just mad.

Reply that it's such a shame, and she must be soooooo mad at whoever let her down, lol

Whatinthelord · 25/08/2021 08:14

@ChickpeaCrunch

Op who bought the dog. If DH bought it or partly bought it then my opinion would change. I think in that situation he should take some responsibility for it too ( not you)

This would have been agreed at the time of the divorce though.

I wasn’t sure if it was a dog that had been bought more recently. Maybe as a shared gift from the parents etc.

Obviously if it was clarified who took the dog then that person is responsible. I just realised. It wasn’t clear who actually gave DSD the dog.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 25/08/2021 08:15

Dsd's ddog or not it needs no input from you op.
If dsd had a half sibling would you be expected to allow that to stay also?
Her dm must know someone to ask other than you. She is just trying to manipulate you.

tickledtiger · 25/08/2021 08:18

Also she has got to know someone else who would take the dog, surely. If she’s brazen enough to try to dump it with you then she should be able to ask one of her mates.

DancesWithTortoises · 25/08/2021 08:18

Stand firm, OP.

Original poster
Purplewishes · 25/08/2021 08:19

@chickpeaCrunch the dog was bought after they split up so DH has never had anything to do with the dog

OP posts:
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