What would you find harder about being a single parent?

[Doglover157]

For context in a single parent, no contact with father, no maintenance, no weekends off.
People often assume it’s harder being a single parent but I’ve always been one so it’s the only way I know and doesn’t seem like it’s any harder than being a parent in a couple.
The most obvious things I can think of are..

1. Money
2. Childcare, like being able to have an evening out or go and do the food shopping.

What am I missing? What other reasons are there for it to be deemed harder? I can actually think of a couple of reasons, albeit weak ones, why it would be harder for me personally to be in a relationship…

1. Having to consider someone else in plans
2. Less spontaneity, because of someone else’s schedule.
3. Arguments, although I know not every couple bickers or argues, but many do.
4. Resentment, over things like housework, time off ect. Common in my relationship, most of my friends, and many people on MN.
5. Sharing my bed, the tv, not being able to slob out quite as spectacularly 😂 I generally like my own space.

I wholeheartedly agree with your list so far (I have been both a single parent and partnered up for significant lengths of time).

More negatives:

• No emotional support on hand when the kids are behaving like Satan's spawn.
• Usually smaller house, therefore less space to get out of each other's way.
• Zero help when ill. I once had the flu as a single mum and couldn't physically get out of bed. That was a scary time with a toddler.
• Social stigma. Which, yes, can be a big one sometimes.

More positives:

• No sodding in-laws I have to pretend to like.
• Generally less mental work.
• Actual, undisturbed sleep! (One ex was a snorer, another used to sleep talk and toss and turn all night)

Mine are

1. Not being able to have any hobbies
2. No social life
3. If you have a child with a disability, all the pressure is on you.
4. No help when ill.

Positives

1. More money as ex was in massive debt
2. Freedom to go to work!
3. No arguments about parenting
4. A more peaceful home.

I think the hard part is that it's all on you. All decisions, all responsibilities, all earning is up to you. No one to fall back on. Even if you're ill or tired. Other people's judgement. How many newspaper articles refer to "the married mum...." when talking about someone who has done something wrong or ill advised? The same cannot be said of the single mum label and it creates stigma.

Thing is it's better to be miserable being single than it is to be miserable in a relationship in my very honest opinion. Unless of course your partner is say Jeff Bezos. I think one of the biggest struggles being a single parent is the mental load (everything essentially falls down to you) that's why I said it's easier to be miserable single because imagine having to carry the mental load even though you have a partner.

I guess one of the reasons I don’t feel it’s harder is that my parents live very close by. My mum would come round if I was ill, baby sit of I need a night out ect.
But I can’t ask my mMum to enable me to do more regular things like hobbies, or gym, that would be taking the piss.

I don’t mind all the decisions, responsibility being on me, in fact I think I prefer it.

Negatives

1. Not having someone to share those firsts with.
2. Logistics of things, for example we live by the beach so if Dd and I went and one of us wanted the loo or a drink from the shop we'd have to pack everything up much easier if there's two adults. Although Dds 12 now so she can be left while I nip back to the car etc so only an issue when she was small.

Positives
Everything, I've been a single parent since I was pregnant and can't imagine living with or having to factor in another adult.
Proper break - Dd sees her dad one day after school and one day a weekend as well as overnights during holidays. I get a proper break to pursue extra study and hobbies or just to sleep, I learnt to drive and completed an OU degree during the time Dd was off with her dad.

Harder being single parent when you have to deal with a next door neighbour who's a bully

The mental load is hard, I agree, but I don’t imagine me offloading that to anybody even in a relationship, so it wouldn’t be significantly less.
I’m definitely very settled single, and not miserable. I can’t envisage a relationship making parenting easier in enough ways to make it beneficial or to counteract what I view as the negatives of relationships.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime
Completely agree with your negatives, and positives except my breaks are when the kids are with my mum.

I generally prefer it most of the time, but my dc have various health issues that are a huge weight of worry and responsibility, and their useless father dgaf. I don't have money worries, and am able to juggle work and home as I wfh and have a very understanding manager, which is amazing, but I have zero family support and no weekends off. On the whole, it is preferable to living with the ex, and home is calmer and happier overall, but I'm exhausted a lot too. I feel a bit stir crazy with having no break from them, unless I pay for a babysitter.

When DD was small and her dad was being an idiot and we were going through court I was worried about what would happen to her if something happened to me.

Thankfully her dad seems to have matured significantly over the years (he was younger than me and 20 when I had her) and has a lovely gf and expecting a baby soon and I don't have that worry anymore, plus Dd is older and can pretty much look after herself.

When my kids were younger, it was the lack of time for myself that I found hardest. 15 year on, it's the effect being a single parent has had on my finances and my earning power.

Now I've accepted it, I prefer it. The hardest part for me was accepting that this wasn't what I planned for my life. The mental load is hard, but I had the same mental load as when we were together, in fact its probably less now. I'm financially better off without his drug habit and debts too. Childcare was tough for a while but I've got a good system of support now. It is much better being single then in a stressful, unhappy relationship. And its even more simple now I no longer have to co-parent with the abusive idiot too!

Just having extra hands. If I'm comforting a crying baby he can make milk. Someone to look after him while I shower. Someone to pass him to when I'm just too exhausted and need a break. Someone to have him in the morning so I can catch up on sleep. Or just Someone to pass me my phone/a drink when I have a sleeping baby on me.

I'm not a single mum, but my DH and I have no (and I mean NO) support network- no parents, no siblings, no babysitters, nannies or childminders.
I think the negatives are that we never get a break unless the other one has the kids which means we never have any time together. I am.noy being flippant when I say we have considered splitting up so that we could have some time away.
Its by no means a pity party, merely trying to illustrate that the key to all of these situations is support- whether from family, friends or partners- and without that it's a very different ballgame.

The mental load is difficult.
Working all day then baby is in bed you think you can get stuff done but just crash out exhausted.
No spontaneous nights out with friends( which always used to be the best)
The worry that you are all your child has and are you good enough
Finances
And because nobody has said it- the lack of sex 😂

Pros-
I’m in control of my own money and get to have the house how I like it
Get to experience everything that your tiny human does and be in awe of it
All the love
Feeling like a badass because you are being the best parent you can be 🙂

Honestly I'm a single mother and the only real downside for me is lack of spontaneity and the fact that I have to pay someone to look after my DD if I want to do something at night. And the fact that its hard to get time alone. I'm extremely lucky in that I am financially comfortable and I know that colours things.

The rest, for me, are unbridled positives:

a) Not having to endlessly consider what someone else may have planned (or not) in free time
b) Can spend my money as I see fit
c) No arguments about parenting or education
d) No resentment about another person not pulling their weight. I do all the housework now but I did anyway.
e) Sex when I want it, not to order
f) Not having to modify my personality or opinions in order not to scare the horses or put someone else's nose out of joint
g) Being able to see who I like without worrying about my partner not liking or approving of them
h) Being able to watch what I want on TV
i) Being able to read a book in peace without being accused of being dull
j) Not being made to feel like a killjoy because I don't want to drink alcohol every day

I bloody love it. Six years on and I still pinch myself that I got out. I wouldn't go back to marriage or cohabitation now if you paid me.

Solo parent for a decade or so now due to DH death,no close family near and disabled kid 2.
Pros : you are in charge and can do whatever you want to some extent.
You begin to realise you are kind of competent,even though life is messy
Cons : you are in charge and can do whatever you want to some extent
It's bloody scary
Nobody to share the highs and lows with
It's all on you and you alone
You often feel like you are failing
It's a constant battle
It's bloody tiring

Saying that me and the DCs are still around and in one piece

I love being a lone parent. I've never known any different so maybe that alters my perception. I could imagine if you believed you'd be doing it as a partnership and then you weren't it'd be a lot harder.

My only negative is money. We have enough but as the only earner I worry if I got sick/broke my leg etc about what we'd do. Sometimes I miss going out in the evenings but now DS is a bit older I take him out for a pub tea and that kind of makes up for it. I really like my life.

Allllll the thinking. Alllll the planning. It's all on you.

The stigma. I'm in my 40s, own my own house, car and business but get looked down their nose at because I don't have a wedding ring.

Bloody workmen misogynistic attitudes.

You can't ever be ill.

BUT

No lazy, selfish, abusive men.

No in laws.

Spending my money on me and the DC, not computer games.

Silence after bedtime.

Going where you want, when you want.

Kids don't care if you do a shit dinner one night because you're knackered.

Kids don't care if you haven't dusted/hoovered etc because you're knackered.

Only being able to take jobs that are nursery hours.

The stigma of being a single mum.

Only having one income esp to get a mortgage. See also only getting a 25% council tax discount and only having one tax allowance.

Only getting childcare to go to work.

Losing friends because can't have spontaneous social life.

I'm a single parent and I found a big downside when they were young was having to take all the children to every activity, even if it was only for one of them.

And it gets very hard when they are older and all need dropping off in different places at the same time.

It's probably easier if you only have one child, but I have several.

For me, it's not the 'hard stuff' that I miss having someone to share with.

It's the small, funny, quirky things that DC do & I can't share with anyone as it's the kind of thing only a parent would get. Those moments get to me, a lot.

However, know I'm a lot better on my own than with abusive, selfish ex. And 100% sure the kids are too.

The Stigma.

I'm so competent and so fabulous, my individual achievements are amazing by any standards...

But I could never escape the Stigma.

I'm a single mom with no family and ds has complex special needs.
The upside is my time is my own.
The downside is balancing work, hospital appointments, and no respite.