What would you find harder about being a single parent?

[Doglover157]

For context in a single parent, no contact with father, no maintenance, no weekends off.
People often assume it’s harder being a single parent but I’ve always been one so it’s the only way I know and doesn’t seem like it’s any harder than being a parent in a couple.
The most obvious things I can think of are..

1. Money
2. Childcare, like being able to have an evening out or go and do the food shopping.

What am I missing? What other reasons are there for it to be deemed harder? I can actually think of a couple of reasons, albeit weak ones, why it would be harder for me personally to be in a relationship…

1. Having to consider someone else in plans
2. Less spontaneity, because of someone else’s schedule.
3. Arguments, although I know not every couple bickers or argues, but many do.
4. Resentment, over things like housework, time off ect. Common in my relationship, most of my friends, and many people on MN.
5. Sharing my bed, the tv, not being able to slob out quite as spectacularly 😂 I generally like my own space.

@OliviaNewtAndJohn

These are nice people (well, I’m starting to wonder), and it talks me that I am in a different class of friendship now.

Sorry but these are not nice people. They are bigots.

I know its not as easy as it sounds but need to challenge this sort of thing. If people make you feel shit about your single vs coupled status you need to walk away from them. No tolerance for this sort of thing at all. Find friends who don't judge.

The hardest thing for me was the judgement, normally from strangers. That you must be a "slag", banged out kids for benefits. If the dad doesn't want to know it's the mother's fault, she trapped him blah blah. People dont think for one second you could have been in a relationship, both working, planned child, home owners. The relationship broke down, noone's fault, it just happens, mums on a low wage so has to move into social housing as she can't get another mortgage. Suddenly you're a "council estate mum", you're the scum of the earth and so are your dc

Yeh I can relate to all of this, my own sister told me she tells people I’m still with their dad as “you know, people judge!” Irony of that is she’s a single parent herself but as she only has one I’m more judged than her for having 4. She was telling a friend/colleague that she was going to be late to work as she was dropping my children to school and told me that colleague asked where the father was

@PumpkinKlNG

my own sister told me she tells people I’m still with their dad as “you know, people judge!”

FFS what hope is there if people's own family members peddle this sort of thing.

We need to challenge this, not roll over and feel sorry for ourselves!

Tbh my sisters one of the worst for it. She constantly tries to make me feel shit for being a single mum when she is one herself but like I said the father is involved so she’s “better” “at least my child has a father” etc we don’t speak now but that’s for other reasons.

One thing I don't like is the assumption a single dad is a hero and a single mother is trash, either subject of a marriage break down, a home wrecker, has a baby as a result of a one night stand, all these horrible assumptions. Single parents are all heroes.

Ohh can see that's a discussion point already :)

Yes, the stigma for me. I can deal with being the only one responsible financially, and learned to juggle my life with zero support - pretty much accepted that there is no such thing as "me" for the next 10 years if I want my children to do okay in life.

But the assumption that I MUST be a benefit scrounger just sometimes gets to me. Especially as I am foreign. Even from an otherwise nice married neighbour, who was explaining her husband's job security worries to me and then said "you don't even know how lucky you are, not having to worry about all that". I get that she was very stressed, but really rubbed me the wrong way - I have never used a penny from public funds, actually not even allowed to do that legally. I don't know what I can do apart from tattooing my self assessment bottom line on my forehead.

YANBU I'm a lone parent and have never known any different.

The only think I find is not having any childcare back-up and trying to juggle work. Also I can never have nights out etc.

I think being in a relationship just looks like hard work.

Having someone to "boast" about your child with, to take over when you've just had enough, not being able to just nip out etc etc. Not easy having some charge of your children from birth to 18

Sole charge rather.

Can i also add another one in.
Friends who have lots of family, supportive partners and everything I don't have who continually tell me "now I know how you feel" after having 1 night of disturbed sleep.
No you don't know.

@Pebbledashery

Can i also add another one in. Friends who have lots of family, supportive partners and everything I don't have who continually tell me "now I know how you feel" after having 1 night of disturbed sleep. No you don't know.

Yes the "my partner was away so I was effectively a single parent for the weekend" lines that appear here a lot.

Ummm no you are not !

I was a single parent until my DS was almost 7. I didn’t find it difficult but I didn’t know any thing different.
I was very poor but I knew it wouldn’t be forever, I went to university when my DS started school.

I mostly feel like a single parent, except that my efforts are sabotaged by DH and DD. I'm exhausted.

I’m not a single parent but I think the biggest changes if I left would be:

1. money- we’d go from being affluent to me struggling. He’d be fine.
2. an extra pair of hands, juggling pick-ups, bedtimes, activities etc.

Biggest positives would be no arguing and not resenting his parenting and laziness at home. Genuinely don’t know what contact my husband would go for if we split. If doubt it would be 50:50 so I suspect I’d do the bulk of the childcare and take the career hit while he continued to have the important job. I suspect on his days, the children would just watch tv all day and do bugger all else.

The younger the children the harder I think it would be. It must be incredibly hard carrying all the responsibility with very small children while having financial worries.

The younger the children the harder I think it would be. It must be incredibly hard carrying all the responsibility with very small children while having financial worries.

Actually in can work in your favour. It's harder to be mobile with very young children on your own as you can't leave them for a second but if you can keep your career on track and get into a routine with a good childminder when they're young its fine.

Anecdotally I think its much easier for children to deal with a split when they are young too.

I think money and childcare are fairly significant disadvantages! However I agree in the sense that your life sounds much preferable to being in a rubbish relationship where the father doesn't pull his weight but it sounds less preferable to a relationship of equals where both parties love and support each other - however I'm only guessing as my marriage was unfortunately the former!

@TheLovelinessOfDemons

I mostly feel like a single parent, except that my efforts are sabotaged by DH and DD. I'm exhausted.

I used to think I felt like a single parent with a useless dh, but actually being a single parent is much, much better, despite the pressures.

I wouldn't swap being a single parent for the world.. Much better than being in a toxic, abusive relationship.

Arrrghhh Pumpkin, when people ask where the father is! Like we drove them away!

@pebbledashery Exactly. God, the relief !

Another upside to being a single parent:
I’ve noticed that many my couple friends are constantly discussing every little detail or decision down to, for example asking the other parent “shall we bring child’s hat?” when leaving the house. I understand that big things need to be discussed but quibbling over every bit of minutiae would drain me! I just trust my instincts and do what I think is best, no one to argue about tiny details that tbh as a parent I should be able to know anyway.

One thing I find difficult is there is no one to share memories with "do you remember when DS said/did that cute thing"
No one to share in any of the pride or worry.

@MissJeanBrodiesprime

Another upside to being a single parent: I’ve noticed that many my couple friends are constantly discussing every little detail or decision down to, for example asking the other parent “shall we bring child’s hat?” when leaving the house. I understand that big things need to be discussed but quibbling over every bit of minutiae would drain me! I just trust my instincts and do what I think is best, no one to argue about tiny details that tbh as a parent I should be able to know anyway.

Oh I hear this. You are not wrong

Yeh exactly I hate having to constantly explain to everyone where their father is and that he is not involved! If he has passed away people would be sympathetic but because he just isn’t interest I get judgement, like its somehow my fault he doesn’t want to see them even that to me is one of the cons having to constantly explain where as he doesn’t have to explain constantly to anyone as he told me he doesn’t tell people he has children I also agree about the not having anyone to share things with, I tell family but it’s not the same.