What would you find harder about being a single parent?

[Doglover157]

For context in a single parent, no contact with father, no maintenance, no weekends off.
People often assume it’s harder being a single parent but I’ve always been one so it’s the only way I know and doesn’t seem like it’s any harder than being a parent in a couple.
The most obvious things I can think of are..

1. Money
2. Childcare, like being able to have an evening out or go and do the food shopping.

What am I missing? What other reasons are there for it to be deemed harder? I can actually think of a couple of reasons, albeit weak ones, why it would be harder for me personally to be in a relationship…

1. Having to consider someone else in plans
2. Less spontaneity, because of someone else’s schedule.
3. Arguments, although I know not every couple bickers or argues, but many do.
4. Resentment, over things like housework, time off ect. Common in my relationship, most of my friends, and many people on MN.
5. Sharing my bed, the tv, not being able to slob out quite as spectacularly 😂 I generally like my own space.

Negs
Found it very hard when kids were super small. Having to take all three of us en masse for everything. Day trips were challenging.

Pos
This sounds ridiculous but I LOVE it - not having to cook a meal, a feckin mans meal, every night. Feed the kids, and the. If I want a just a cheese toastie, so be it! It’s been hugely liberating not having to always have a bloody dinner cooked for MAN.

Negatives:
Money - he continued his career path cancelling on DC and I'm gone from independently well off to very poor. While he is earning stupid money. Hoping to pick up my career when DC are older.
Dealing with everything alone because his job (and he) is too important to make allowances.
Positives:
Making all the major choices.
His family like me more than him. Sad but true.
Deciding to go to McDo tonight for McFlurrys at 8pm because we didn't have room for ice cream in the freezer. We sat and watched the sun set eating our ice cream :-)

Sorry OP, but gave up reading once you said you had supportive parents to help. Many coupled people don't have that; I suppose an advantage of being in a couple is that there is the possibility of 2 sets of supportive parents?

I wouldn't know, been an LP since I was pregnant, being oldish most of my helpful friends had DGCs and my remaining DP wasn't so inclined.

I've always wondered how LPs got their noses off the grindstone enough to even meet a new DP!

Even so, I definitely prefer to be an LP of 19 years, and ongoing given DS's autism, than deal with the crap and compromise that being with an adequate, or worse, DP entails.

Amen-sing it sister!
Happily,proudly&loving life as a single parent(13+years now)to two teens..for every reason you succinctly detailed. Finishing my degree/masters,running a business,owning my own apartment outright&working a 30hr week from home-all possible since i kicked the big,sulking abusive manchild out of the nest.The first year was an adjustment,in terms of having2under threes,having no financial or physical support-but my mental health&benefits to my self esteem meant once i found my old self again,i just soared..I say invest in a bedside"drawer of pleasure"(it was the only thing i enjoyed from a man)&dont look back.

The only thing for me has been having to pay for handymen to do DIY stuff ( I have a disability)

Other than that - I am so bloody thankful to have been a single parent. Listening to my friends and all the shit and compromise they have to go through - I just couldn't be doing with all that tedious drama. I will never ever share my bed/home/life with a partner. Being single just really works for me

My ex was abusive so obviously life is easier without him but compared to my friends with supportive partners.

I didnt have an evening out for years. O couldn't afford it.

I have no one who truely cares about my ds the way i do. So his littke achievements no one is as excited as me.

Sometimes the enormousy of decisions can feel overwhelming.

Looking for a job around Ds.

Sleep.. no way to ever catch up.

My ds has asd/ adhd so comes with its own set of problems

That said we are very close

We found our way of doing things.

There is no trying the other parent.

Negs
Not having anyone else to rely on, having the pressure of making all the decisions, earning all the money, not having anyone to share the really lovely moments with

Pros
Control, a pro and a control really, I can please myself and don’t need to take another adults views into consideration. At the same time that is the thing that worries me about eventually having a child with my husband, i’ll have to make sure I’m not a bossy control freak

@alwayslearning789

The Stigma.

I'm so competent and so fabulous, my individual achievements are amazing by any standards...

But I could never escape the Stigma.

I've never noticed any?

I think money is the only disadvantage, but no amount of money would compensate for the loss of personal freedom in being a single parent

My two have ASD so the massive downside, and it’s the same with any children with sleep issues, is doing the nighttime’s and having to get up and do the day times with minimal sleep.

Biggest upside is I get a break when they are at there dads. Love them but they are hard hard hard

@TheHateIsNotGood

Sorry OP, but gave up reading once you said you had supportive parents to help. Many coupled people don't have that; I suppose an advantage of being in a couple is that there is the possibility of 2 sets of supportive parents?

I wouldn't know, been an LP since I was pregnant, being oldish most of my helpful friends had DGCs and my remaining DP wasn't so inclined.

I've always wondered how LPs got their noses off the grindstone enough to even meet a new DP!

Even so, I definitely prefer to be an LP of 19 years, and ongoing given DS's autism, than deal with the crap and compromise that being with an adequate, or worse, DP entails.

This! It's not quite the same story as your OP with this info!

YANBU I've been a single parent for 10 years and I've honestly always found it far easier.

• Parenting on my own means I know what money I have available and no-one trying to 'protect me'
• It means DS was fed properly, not rubbish. He went to bed on time.
• Homework is prioritised. DS never sees anyone drunk.
• It means no-one lets me down, changes plans at the last moment.
• At least I know I have to do the school run, no-one saying they'll do it and then dropping out at the last moment.
• DS's birthday is celebrated every year with the right card.

I've never felt any stigma. I have a house, car, career. Other people's views on whether I have a child or not are completely irrelevant, and none of their concern.

DS is healthy, well fed, well educated, clean, well dressed, skis, swims and cycles, doesn't swear and is a kind happy child. I do as good a job parenting as most of the couples I know.

The only thing I can think of is that getting my hair cut when DS was small was difficult to organise.

I’m a single mum with no ex around at all (doesn’t see them at all so no break ever) I think it depends on your support, you mention you have a lot of help from your parents, no one helps me with my kids my family don’t help at all as they see them as my responsibility, so for me it’s never getting a single break.

@alwayslearning789

The Stigma.

I'm so competent and so fabulous, my individual achievements are amazing by any standards...

But I could never escape the Stigma.

Its interesting that you mention this because I think the stigma has largely disappeared.

I'm old enough to remember the 80s when Thatcher used to bang on about single mothers destroying the fabric of society etc and I think there was a real stigma then.

Unless you live somewhere really conservative I think the stigma has pretty much gone. There are so many single parents these days nobody bats an eyelid.

There might be quite a lot of unconscious bias against single parents and ways in which they are disadvantaged (eg at work). But I think its just unthinking assumption that people with a child are likely to have a partner to rely on.

I've honestly not encountered any explicit stigma about being a lone parent.

To add to mine I can’t think of any positives to being a single parent for me, I know that sounds awful but I can’t, I would love to say being able to make all the decisions but even then I struggle having no one to run decisions over and to back me up etc so for me there are no positives

@PumpkinKlNG

To add to mine I can’t think of any positives to being a single parent for me, I know that sounds awful but I can’t, I would love to say being able to make all the decisions but even then I struggle having no one to run decisions over and to back me up etc so for me there are no positives

I can't think of any negatives of being single

I can't think of any positives of raising children in a relationship

I’m glad you feel that way but I disagree.

And I’m only saying my personal opinion not how anyone else should feel.

I like having a partner (a good one that is) with me to raise our children because:

really no one is as interested in your children as their parents so it is lovely to have someone who doesn't mind how often I say "she is very kind/fab in that show/did great in the exam/etc

When times were bad - and we had bad times especially in the teen years - it was lovely to have someone who could pick up the slack/let you be the one who ranted while they were the one who soldiered on/could agree child was an absolute fucker and how would we survive/could laugh a bit about it/could make the hard decisions from the same place of love. I remember having an epiphany when my child was seeing therapist/psychiatrist that everyone saw them for 50 minutes and then went onto the next thing. For us it was our whole life. It really helped us to make decisions and really helped that there were 2 of us doing it.

A bad co-parent would be worse than none I think.

The weight of responsibility.

The worst thing for me, having been a single parent for 14 years (with a 2 year 'break' when I was in a relationship, although some single parent problems still existed) is not just having to do the mental load alone, but having the other parent actively contradict me. EG. I told DS he couldn't have a rusty old sword in his bedroom, ex sent home a rusty old sword.

And the stigma. It definitely Still exists. My personal favourite was when a school mum said "well I never would have guessed you were a single mum. Your boys are so lovely and polite"
And the assumptions from others that we get EOW off and an evening in the week.

That said, I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than still be with my ex.

The stigma definitely does still exist I agree.

My second negative for me of being single would be discipline. I do believe it would be much easier to discipline her with two parents there at the time and with the other one backing me up there and then.

The Stigma is immense - never been invited to other mums houses for bbq, drinks etc and that includes some mums I am v good friends with.

The responsibility - all decisions are mine. EX lets me do the hard work and then has a dig

The loneliness - will never forget that.

Have just had new DP move in 3 days per week - 2 weeks of him ft was too much I had to step back. All the best intentions on both sides but I needed some space.

Sorry OP, but gave up reading once you said you had supportive parents to help. Many coupled people don't have that; I suppose an advantage of being in a couple is that there is the possibility of 2 sets of supportive parents?

Some advantages of being in a couple are...
You can hand the childcare to the other parent and have a bath/early night.
You don't have to cook and clean after every damn meal.
You don't have sole responsibility for earning the money.

If you are sick there is another parent to take over.

I'm sure there are more.

Now of course its entirely possible your (general your, not aimed at anyone in particular) DP might be useless and you can't do these things. In which case I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship.