What would you find harder about being a single parent?

[Doglover157]

For context in a single parent, no contact with father, no maintenance, no weekends off.
People often assume it’s harder being a single parent but I’ve always been one so it’s the only way I know and doesn’t seem like it’s any harder than being a parent in a couple.
The most obvious things I can think of are..

1. Money
2. Childcare, like being able to have an evening out or go and do the food shopping.

What am I missing? What other reasons are there for it to be deemed harder? I can actually think of a couple of reasons, albeit weak ones, why it would be harder for me personally to be in a relationship…

1. Having to consider someone else in plans
2. Less spontaneity, because of someone else’s schedule.
3. Arguments, although I know not every couple bickers or argues, but many do.
4. Resentment, over things like housework, time off ect. Common in my relationship, most of my friends, and many people on MN.
5. Sharing my bed, the tv, not being able to slob out quite as spectacularly 😂 I generally like my own space.

I always found it challenging when one/both of the DC had a sick bug. I remember one particularly revolting night when the younger one had been sick in her bed/over herself and the older one hasn’t made the bathroom and there was sick across the landing and into the bathroom. Didn’t know what/who told clean first and would have sold my soul to have another adult there to help me!

I can't think of any positives of raising children in a relationship

I agree.

I'm nearly 50 and I have yet to come across a man (including my DD's father and my current boyfriend) who I would trust to do 25% as good a job as I can.

I love men and they serve their purpose but I think a small minority are really up to the job of parenting. In the vast majority of cases the only real reasons for having one around are money and childcare.

I’m finding it a lot harder with teenagers (boys) than when they were little. I think the absence of a decent male role model is a hard one.
Trying to get them to pull their weight at home, while I’m out of the home, earning, is almost impossible, as is enforcing any kind of routine or discipline.

It was easier when I could take them to soft play for a break, or put them in holiday club.

I don’t notice a stigma much, but I’m probably too knackered to notice anything!

@bogoffmda

The Stigma is immense - never been invited to other mums houses for bbq, drinks etc and that includes some mums I am v good friends with.

The responsibility - all decisions are mine. EX lets me do the hard work and then has a dig

The loneliness - will never forget that.

Have just had new DP move in 3 days per week - 2 weeks of him ft was too much I had to step back. All the best intentions on both sides but I needed some space.

I think you need to find better friends tbh.

I would drop anyone like a hot brick who looked down on me because of my marital status.

I found the hardest thing having noone to talk things through with. My son suffers with his health and also has ASD and it would have been handy to have someone to speak to about it and help me with decisions. The rest was a breeze 😆

I've honestly not encountered any explicit stigma about being a lone parent

I’m glad that has been your experience. It certainly hasn’t been mine. And if you read any thread on here about benefits, there’s always some shite about the non-existent ‘single parent benefits’….I had one woman tell me she would love to teach like me ‘only I can’t, because I have a husband’ (it’s been 9 years, I still don’t know what she was getting at!) and I had one terrible woman literally sniff on the doorstep of my lovely house (owned outright), ‘I suppose we’re paying for you to live here’. She never spoke to me again when I put her straight. Last I heard, her husband had left her so hopefully she has found some humility. There was a queen bee type in the playground on the rare occasions I got there who literally demanded to know how I could afford a new car and had that man you were out with last week paid for it (that man was my cousin). Same woman would talk loudly about what a wonderful TA I must be, despite knowing full well I’m a teacher. Vile woman.

Wow. Quite shocked to hear how many of you have suffered from this sort of bigotry TBH. And feel quite lucky that my friends aren't narrow-minded, judgemental arses.

Interesting range of responses. It’s much harder work and more stressful doing it on my own. I don’t have anyone to hand over to, no one to load the dishwasher while I put the kids to bed. I don’t have any semblance of an evening anymore because as soon as I’ve finished putting the kids to bed, making packed lunches and doing the necessary laundry etc it’s time for me to go to bed. Just got back from first holiday just the 3 of us - no one to watch kids while you nip to the loo, tricky when one child wants to do one thing and the other doesn’t. My eldest literally never has my undivided attention. My social life has definitely gone downhill because I simply don’t have the childcare or the time to meet up with people as much as I would otherwise. And the stigma even if it is very subtle - others wanting me to save my marriage for the sake of the kids, asking me when I was going to start dating again, because you can’t possibly be a happy woman unless you’re coupled up. Other women saying they can relate because their partners work away. No one to talk to about the kids at the end of the day or ask opinions from. My earning potential I don’t think will ever be what it would have been.

But the empowerment is something else. I felt a massive sense of achievement having taken the kids on holiday on my own and survived! I didn’t see one other single parent there. It’s made me have higher standards of my kids, myself and other people. It also means I make decisions about what to do, their schooling etc and don’t feel bad about it. Don’t have to negotiate with another adult on anything, from meals or days out. Plus the clear advantages of not being in a toxic relationship.

It’s not just friends it’s random people, I have 4 kids and because I have 4 and am single people automatically assume that they have different dads (nothing wrong with that but it’s definitely asked in a judgmental tone) my own ex told me when we broke up I would now just be a “slutty single mum” I’ve heard single mums being described as easy/ desperate, I’m glad people haven’t experienced stigma but it’s definitely still there

Also people say it’s rewarding but I don’t agree, my kids are very ungrateful though and don’t appreciate all that is done for them so for me it isn’t

Positives:
Being able to watch what I want on tv. This is very important to me.
Being able to set my own bedtime. 8pm fine, 3am fine!
Own bed with no man in it.
Housework is a joy because I love my home rather than the terrible chore that it is when living with a man.
No rowing / arguing
Sitting where I like in cafes. No end of how much it pisses me off when Im in male company to be gently guided to their choice of table.
Going out to restaurants with kids whenever I want.
I can eat in any order. Chocolate before my chips! A man recently disapproved. Pah! (My kids werent there and are both older teens but Ive been single mum for years and they eat healthily, I hasten to add :) )
Doing DIY. A true joy with no judgement or restraint. Its like finding the holy grail of 'man' and then beating them at it.
The sexism of tradesmen just makes me want one even less. Especially when they said 'I wouldnt allow my wife one of those' Wtvf!!!! Allow?!?
Financial independence. From the littliest thing to the biggest. Free of any judgement.
Heating home to my chosen temperature with no drama about it.
No judgement of my cooking. I do cook well but not to male standards of perfection.

Negatives:
Bigger house would be nice?
Sex, but I think Im over it.
The fairytale of support which Im not sure is real. Not at least in my lengthy cohabitations.

Not being able to do things with my older children is the worst part for me. They are 13/11 and my youngest is 5. I’d love to be able to take them out and do older kid stuff with them. They see their Dad once a month (his choice), her Dad isn’t around because he’s an abusive arsehole who has no interest in her (thank fuck).

Also having no father at all involved definitely brings judgment, when I took my daughter to the paediatrician she asked about her father and I said he wasn’t involved she looked absolutely horrified, people do see it as a reflection on you rather than on the father sadly (I’ve even experienced that on here)

I’m 34 and over sex so that doesn’t bother me, I don’t drink so evenings out don’t bother me either.

Would be nice to leave the house without them sometimes for a walk though.

@PumpkinKlNG

Also having no father at all involved definitely brings judgment, when I took my daughter to the paediatrician she asked about her father and I said he wasn’t involved she looked absolutely horrified, people do see it as a reflection on you rather than on the father sadly (I’ve even experienced that on here)

Absolutely this.

He walked away and never looked back, for us that’s great because he’s an addict and a nasty cunt who can’t hold down a job so doesn’t even pay child support, but I, the parent who loves her, is raising her and paying for her every need (and most of her wants) is somehow an asshole.

It's been me and DD for the last five years.

Tbf ex pays maintenence (but refuses to put his hand in his pockets for anything over and above that) and sees DD a couple of times a week for a few hours.

The only downsides for me are the lack of personal time/space and having to work full time.

I'm in my mid forties and most of my friends are supported by their husband's and have been able to cut back on work (and were generally only p/t in the first place) and take more time for themselves.

DD hasn't done overnights with her dad since we split. She's nearly 17 now but obviously I couldn't bring someone back here if I was dating etc so I just haven't bothered.

I'd be lying if said it didn't stick in my craw that XH had been able to saunter straight into a new relationship, gets whole weekends, holidays etc to himself and as he moved into his new partners place still has the 6 figures he got from the sale of the marital home behind him, while I work my arse off and have invested every penny to put a stable roof over our daughter's head.

I struggle to understand the stigma.

It's definitely there.

My elderly neighbours are the worst for it. The man refused to acknowledge or speak to me even when Mrs neighbour is chatting away to me. They both chat very animatedly with the young couple next door and the other couples in the street. He won't even give me courtesy wave from a distance if I wave as I'm driving away. Makes me 🙁

Plus the layer of unsaid suspicion from school mums. Keep me at a distance especially when their husbands are about.

WTF do they they I'm going to do!? Even if was interested I do have morals. I'm most definitely not interested. I feel like tattooing it on my forehead. I WONT STEEL YOUR HUSBANDS.

I mostly look like stig of the dump on school runs which makes it even more ridiculous !

*steal!

Steeling husbands might be a totally different thing!!!

@MintyCedric I felt like that for the first 2 years, particularly as DD was a screamer no sleeper and I hounded the fuck out of CMS every other day about child support, but I gave up.

ExDHs version of life is - work for a while, spend all the money on booze and drugs, get kicked out of a house share, lie to get someone’s sympathy and a sofa to sleep on, leech off them as long as possible, then find a new job and move out before they kick him out, rinse and repeat. Now I just fucking pity him.

Yeh I think people with good exes look down on people like me with a fully absent exes as they see it as some kind of failure on my part and they are some how more superior because they managed to pick a “good one” well sorry that I didn’t predict that he was going to have a mental break down and want nothing to do with his children, the judgement should be fully on him but it isn’t.

“Ah I’m so glad I’ve got a good one”

“Yeah, until he’s not”
“Have you?” raises eyebrow

I gave up being polite to those types a while ago.

Depends what your point of comparison is, doesn’t it? I’m widowed and my DH was a lovely lovely man, a truly grade A+ husband and father and we were so compatible, so of course lone parenting can’t compare with us as a team.

I can absolutely see that parenting alone must be way way better than parenting with a useless DH/dad.

Just me and the three of them 24/7

The hardest thing for me is the feeling of total responsibility and sometimes feeling lonely but not ever being alone: the requirement to keep carrying on is sometimes too much to contemplate just doing it is easier. The constant worry that you need to overcompensate for another person not being there and contributing in every sense. I suppose also being present to enable them to have the lives you want for them in every sense of the word and the toll that takes in that you willingly put yourself constantly at the back of the queue

The best things are that I get to parent on my terms with zero denigration and my children are thriving. We are our own unit and the love I give to them but even more the love I get back in return carries us through

Biggest struggle for me in money.. I hate it. I have a really good job and I'm always in my overdraft.. Pay day is basically now pay your bills day.. As soon as it goes in, it comes out then I'm living the rest of the month hand to mouth.. My daughters father pays a minimal sum of child maintenance because guess what, as soon as he got summoned to pay.. He went self employed and cheats the taxman.. I worry about affording things, it's my daughters third birthday soon and I just worry about her feeling special, I know there's more to life than presents.. But we've been through so much together, all I want to do is make her happy. I'm holding on a few more months and she'll get her funded hours which will make a huge difference as childcare is my biggest expense, it costs more than my rent..
The upside of single parenting is that everything good about her is because of me and I really feel proud when she has beautiful manners and her speech is developing and she's learning to say and do things every day.. I also enjoy not answering to anyone.. And most of all. I enjoy the silence after she has gone to sleep 🤣

Pros:

• My kids get to see their real, happy, free, strong mum rather than the unhappy husk i'd become.
• Holidays: we do what we want. It's really stress-free and absolutely lovely.
• Resentment - all gone. It's hard not to fume when the other cohabiting parent does eff all, never plans fun stuff, never books the dentist, never arranges playdates. It still all falls to me but I don't have to hate him for it and hate myself for putting up with it.

-I feel bloody resilient and pretty strong most of the time.

• we can all cuddle up in the big bed as it fits three perfectly.

Cons:

• there are still parenting challenges to be negotiated with their other parent and living separately can make this harder.
• Stigma still there if rather more covert than overt these days. From my (lovely, but an of an age) neighbour commenting on my "very strange" parenting setup to my own parents gossiping with their friends about their selfish children and the poor forgotten grandchildren... To the pet rehomers who won't consider me because I'm a single earner, no family back up with "enough on her plate".... If you've never experienced this you are lucky.

-single income and mortgage in London (and I'm sure elsewhere) is a little bit tight but we generally do ok.
Can't think of any more major cons but then mine are older and more independent -youngest 6 when we split and 10 now.