Lovely neighbour banging on wall

[Pastnowfuture]

We have lived in our home for 5 years. It's a terraced house and we've always had a good relationship with our neighbours. We chat in the street often and we exchange christmas cards. When our son was born 15 months ago they bought him an outfit. A few weeks later we gave them a card and wine to apologise for the newborn crying. Over the last year whenever I have apologised for any noise the female's response is "baby's cry" and the male's response is "we don't hear anything".

My little boy started nursery 4 weeks ago and ever since he has been ill a lot and cries much more during the night. We never leave him to cry but he only wants to be comforted by me. On the few occassions I am desperate for sleep he will cry loudly in my husbands arms for about half an hour before finally the crying turns to sobs and he drops off.

In the last couple of weeks the neighbours have started banging on the wall. Three times in total. Last night he was very unsettled and at 3am they were banging on the wall.

I'm not really sure what we can do. I'm trying my best but feel like such a failure. He's not a great sleeper generally but I cosleep and breast feed so whenever he wakes we snuggle and he's quickly back down so limited crying (until last 4 weeks).

My son's room joins to theirs but if we changed his room it would join to their adult daughter's so wouldn't be any better. I saw the female neighbour after the first banging and she didn't say anything and neither did I. I hadn't actually heard the banging and genuinely assumed my husband had been mistaken as it was only 9pm. She was her usual friendly self to me and my son.

It must be awful for them and I feel really guilty but I also feel like the banging is really agressive. I'm anxious about seeing them in the street and last night I couldn't sleep even when my little boy finally went down because I was worrying he would wake again and disturb them.

They've always been so lovely. AIBU to be so upset by this? What should I do/say if anything?

Just say, "I heard you banging last night". Leave it at that.

@SwimmingwiththeFishes

Lol YES

Hi OP I'm sorry you've had a bit of a rough time here. Some people just gotta kick folk when they're down.

I'm really sorry to say but I thinl you're going to have to pick one way or the other here. Either you settle him with the breast every time or you night wean because at 15 months he will be utterly baffled by the chopping and changing. He jua3t doesn't have the cognitive reasoning ability to understand that sometimes mummy settlea him and sometimes daddy does. He has a method that works for him and will bellow for it until he either gets it or conks out from exhaustion from crying.

I say this as a single parent of four with a BF 17 month old that very much went through the blip yours is right now. Nursery is a red herring, it's a development leap, that said some things helped me a LOT.

I got strict about meal and nap times. It meant he had been awake for at least 4 hours before bedtime and had a good 30 minutes outside on the garden or local park after his tea. He then has porridge with half a mashed banana at bedtime and we are now having one waking at 4 for a boob and sleeping to 8am. Now I know not all babies are the same but it wouldn't hurt to try.

As for the neighbours if you decide to keep it as you settling your son don't mention it and let the dust settle. If you are going to night wean go round with some wine and an apologetic explanation that there'll be a few rough nights and any banging will only drag it out.

Good luck x

This could have been written by my neighbours and I have banged on the wall once when they also let their baby cry for 30 minutes at 2:30 am.

We understand that they have young kids and generally it's part and parcel of life, but being woken up at 2:30am for 30 minutes when you have work the next day is awful, especially if you can't get back to sleep. I've ended up being awake from 2-6am before. 4 weeks is quite a long time to be woken up by crying and I assume they haven't banged every time they have heard it. Most people don't stop at one child so it accumulates and add that to the general noise of family life.

Another thing to add is that your neighbours don't necessarily know that you are comforting your baby. We're pretty sure that the neighbours do controlled crying as you can also hear when someone gets up to the baby as they will stop crying, so when I banged it was also a message to the parents - not the baby obviously! It's very distressing to hear a child screaming through the wall in the middle of the night because you don't know if something is wrong with the baby, or if it is just being left on it's own. You also can't do anything about the baby, i.e comfort it yourself.

Banging isn't the best way to get the message across, but also it's very in the moment. Often when I'm woken up, I'll think to myself that I'll go round and talk to my neighbours, but then the next day, I'm less inclined to as I do logically understand that babies cry and I'm sure the family is as sleep deprived as me.

If you think you are doing everything you can, I would just pop round to the neighbours and explain the situation so they at least know you are comforting the baby.

I wouldn't be buying them wine.

I would bang back tbh or say in passing that banging on the wall isn't helpful.

I remember similar when my boy was a baby in that he cried so loudly, I was with him settling him exhausting myself trying to keep house quiet but at times he woke every hour. I was so worried about my neighbours who had mentioned the noise and I remember her making a bit of a dig about his lung power (she knew he was ill, there'd been an ambulance out more than once) I almost cried on her and said yes it really hard, I'm exhausted..she never mentioned it again, we moved out and I felt so relieved. It's a horrible feeling.

It’s incredibly selfish to go down the controlled crying route when neighbours are within earshot. It’s not their baby and they have a right to function during the day. Babies need to be hoiked into the mum’s bed or if the mum doesn’t want that, then take the baby downstairs to the furthest point from the neighbours.

@goodbyestranger We don't do controlled crying and no one has suggested we start.

No OP I got that. But controlled crying was mentioned in a post and clearly the neighbours there could hear. So just a general point.

@goodbyestranger

No OP I got that. But controlled crying was mentioned in a post and clearly the neighbours there could hear. So just a general point.

Not sure who PP was but always worth quoting or tagging as that did read like you were having a big pop at the OP. Was just about to jump to her defense myself!

I don't get it, you said you co-sleep, but then you talk about your son's room?
I would settle him in another room, away from the neighbours, as other people have said.
I wouldn't talk to them about the banging if they don't bring it up, as things can escalate. I would take my cue from them, and then in a couple of years both parties will have forgotten about it.

Bloody hell your poor neighbours.
Op the baby shouldn't be waking every night for BF! he doesn't need to feed in the night at all.
When they are ill it's a bit different.
You should be absolutely minimising the disturbance to your neighbours. If that means taking him downstairs then you must do that no matter how tired you are.

@itsabouttimetoo don't bang! talk to them! The only time my son has inconsolably cried for that length of time we ended up with him in hospital - we were 100% trying to settle him but he really wasn't well!

@Pastnowfuture You're doing a great job! It's so hard but like someone else said, it's likely a stage that will pass - doen't make it any easier when you're so tired though. We went through a similar phase when our boy started nursery and we just had to go into survival mode - we brought him into our bed as soon as we went to bed so that he hopefully wouldn't wake up at all. I also started to feed him downstairs before the rest of the bedtime routine (i don't know if you said if you feed him to sleep or not) to try a disassociate that from sleep for him. Hope it passes soon x

Bloody hell, the replies on this thread!

• The baby isn't crying alone for half an hour, his father is holding him.
• The baby is not manipulatively crying to get attention: babies are not manipulative. They cry because they can't articulate their needs any other way, and this little boy has just had a big change in his little life (nursery) and is clearly unsettled by it.
• This isn't a long-term situation (see above), it's one the parents are trying to get him through, TOGETHER no less rather than it all falling to the baby's mum.
• And however exhausting and disruptive it is for the neighbours, it's far worse for the parents who are doing their best. Absurd that OP should get up with him every time.

Certainly OP and her partner can take steps to mitigate how much the baby can be heard by the neighbours, but honestly that shouldn't be their first responsibility and it doesn't make them bad neighbours to have a baby that makes noise, as the neighbour herself said, "babies cry". I think a chat with the neighbour is required to establish who is banging and what might help, but it's insane to think that the entire responsibility falls to the OP.

I'd talk to them about it...perhaps pointing out that banging on the wall isn't exactly helping your little one to settle!

It is a stage that will pass, they get every bug going at nursery when they start but it does calm down.

(I think its worth remembering that had you posted about your neighbours little child crying the replies would have been "what do you want them to do?", "its way worse for them than it is for you OP!")

I think I’d bang back next time, twice as hard, twice as loud and for twice as long!
Are they stupid enough to think you’re not doing everything in your power to console your ds?

Nope. First the noise is obviously disturbing someone. Not everyone has to be super ecstatic that a baby is yowling for 30minutes in the middle of the night. Sheesh, i hated it when it was my own. Nobody else has to be inconvenienced by this. And she isn't "doing everything" if she is lying in bed for 30 minutes while the dad is trying and failing to settle the baby.

In this situation I'd take the baby downstairs to minimise annoying my neighbours who didn't choose to have a noisy baby in their lives.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

Honestly I think yabu. No wonder they bang. I'd be reporting to social services if a baby was repeatedly left screaming for 30 mins at 3 am every night. From their perspective he is just being left, they don't know your DH is with him.

You need to find another solution. You signed up for no sleep when you chose to have kids, they didn't. They presumably need to work too and it's not fair that someone else's child keeps them awake half the night. If you can't manage night waking and work, that's your problem.

Fuck me where is your empathy? What a nasty nasty post....Social Services for a crying baby? My god they would be overrun with calls!

In this situation I'd take the baby downstairs to minimise annoying my neighbours who didn't choose to have a noisy baby in their lives.

Did OP not already state they take him downstairs? Whilst I have every sympathy for your neighbour there is not much more you can do op. Go have a chat with them and calm the waters. Hope he settles soon.

I cant imagine social services having the slightest interest in a baby crying for half an hour in the middle of the night.

The child is not being "left to cry" he is being comforted and eventually settled. My youngest was a bad sleeper, he would only settle for me and I did get up (because I'd be awake anyway) it still sometimes took half an hour!

I have a lot of sympathy for the neighbour (and for OP) but everyone is always so "oh everyone must put up with screeching babies" and that is a shit attitude.

If the daughter is 30 then the woman next door is probably in her 50s. If she is having menopause related insomnia where you can sleep relatively ok but if something wakes you that is it for the night, she may be having problems of her own.

I mention this because usually nobody gives a shit about the menopause and how it affects women until it hits them (rather like all the first ever in the universe pregnancies and PFBs ) so I'm giving the view from the other side of the wall. (actually with my neighbours it is the 2 year old, the newborn and the drunkard of a husband shouting when the baby wakes). I work FT and i get very little sleep at night because once i'm awake that is it. I sometimes go to bed at 9 to try to get a head start on sleep and if the neighbours were being noisy when I'm in a sleep-deprived state I'd be banging on the wall.

I have sympathy for sleep-deprived parents, but at least you have the joy of your baby. The neighbours? not so much.

Banging on the wall is a very agressive nasty thing to do and it achieves nothing except making neighbors angry and eventually hating you. YANBU at all to be upset about this behavior, esspecially if they do it at 9 PM. That’s just being an arse for the sake of it. That said, nobody needs falling out with neighbors esspecially if they have always been lovely before. I disagree with posters who say that you should go out of bed to soothe him all the time, you deserve your rest like anyone else and if your DH takes the baby downstairs, there isn’t much that you can do else. But I would bring them some wine and earplugs as an apology and definitely mention that you felt so bad when you heard them banging on the wall as you feel now anxious each time your baby cries. Every decent person would (or rather should) hang their head in shame after hearing that from their neighbors. Though I bet like many other posters that it was the adult daughter who is responsible for the banging.

While I think you and DH are doing your best, I also think it can be quite difficult to be rational when you're woken up by a screaming baby at 3am - especially when said baby isn't even yours!

I know I get seriously pissed off when DH's snoring wakes me in the middle of the night - I really struggle to get back to sleep once I'm woken up. If I was regularly woken by a screaming baby (and by regular, I mean more than once or twice a week) I can't imagine feeling very rational about it.

I don't think there are any winners here.

And she isn't "doing everything" if she is lying in bed for 30 minutes while the dad is trying and failing to settle the baby.
He isn’t failing if he settles the baby at the half hour mark, it’s just taking longer than the neighbours might like. Tough shit. And if he doesn’t manage it and OP has had to step in, they’ve at least tried and OP has managed some “eyes shut, lying down” time (though not sleeping). Is she supposed to just survive on fuck all sleep and never attempt to have her co-parent do some co-parenting? Some crappy nights with DD neither of us have managed to settle her: sometimes it’s just tough luck. Yes, it sucks for the neighbours. Sorry but it sucks harder for the parents: no sleep, guilt over your kid howling, guilt over the noise you’re causing to the neighbour, anxiety from the wall banging. Plus, one of occasions is 9pm! The neighbours can pause Netflix for once.

OP can’t be the only parent to ever settle the baby at night. How utterly unfair, and makes it less and less likely he’ll settle for his dad.

As for this: If you can't manage night waking and work, that's your problem. Behave yourself. But @SwimmingwiththeFishes said it better.

@BigButtons He is ill. Has been since starting nursery. We are giving antibiotics again. He breastfeeds for comfort not food.

@Pastnowfuture does he wake every night for comfort regardless of whether he is ill or not?

@BigButtons @Brefugee We take him downstairs.