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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relative has AirBNB and the only way my DC can stay with their grandmother may be for us to book and pay?

115 replies

Winnebaggo · 22/08/2021 17:32

Tricky one. My MIL moved in with DSIL around the start of lockdown. To be fair she helped sister-in-law buy the house that they're now living in. But when she told us she was moving in with her she said there would be a room for us as in myself and husband (her son) and her grandchildren (our DC). Before she moved in with sister-in-law we used to go and see her every holiday and I mean every holiday half term school holidays probably every third or fourth weekend. I know that because of lockdown we haven't been able to see her as much but we discovered that they would not be a room in this house for us to go and stay in. Instead sister-in-law and brother-in-law are Airbnb-big in the two rooms that we were told would be staying in. We found out from mother-in-law they need to Airbnb these rooms in order to pay the mortgage. So that means when we go and stay with my mother-in-law we have to stay in the lounge. It's not enough room for 4 of us to be honest. We can stay in the Airbnb rooms but they have to be not booked ie no paying guests and paying guests get first refusal.
And of course with lockdown and more people staying in the UK it has been booked out which meant they've been able to pay their mortgage etc.
But the thing is my DC haven't seen my grandmother since the end of that major lockdown restrictions ended. The only way to go and stay with their grandmother now is for us to pay the Airbnb fee which is £125 for three rooms because we need to book out 3 rooms.
We thought when mother-in-law moved we would have some space to stay there but the thing is we are also trying to make a living to paying 125 actually 250 for two nights to go and see their grandmother it just seems wrong somehow how can I sort the situation?

I know they have to make money and they have a large mortgage - but at the same time I feel really frustrated.

OP posts:
ElizaDarcysDeeds · 22/08/2021 19:47

You can't force them to have you stay. It doesn't matter what BILs family can do.
So either book a hotel, another Air B&B or have MIL to you.
Tbh it's embarrassing that you're using this as an excuse for not seeing your MIL since the lockdown.

underneaththeash · 22/08/2021 19:50

I’d just wait until you’re invited.

CleanQueen123 · 22/08/2021 19:54

@MolyHolyGuacamole

I know this isn't the issue, but I find it weird that they'd buy a big house that they can only pay the mortgage for if they rent the rooms out, rooms that they clearly don't need. Why not just buy a smaller house? What a hassle
@MolyHolyGuacamole that's what I find most bizarre. How did they manage to get a mortgage they clearly can't afford?
Boulshired · 22/08/2021 19:58

The few occasions that I have seen when a parent moves in with one child or one child's family move back in with a parent the parent does get absorbed into that family unit. It’s not so bad if everyone is local but in cases like yours, you have very little options unless you can afford mini breaks every time you want to spend longer than a few hours or she comes to you. I feel sorry for the MIL, I think she was naive in thinking her daughter would open the house to you in the same way she did.

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 22/08/2021 19:58

Lots of people's finances were impacted by Covid. I know people who could pay their mortgage but now rely on AirBnB.

Gizlotsmum · 22/08/2021 19:59

Have you actually asked if they would hold dates for you? Maybe not the summer holidays but Christmas / February?

Feedingthebirds1 · 22/08/2021 20:02

@Winnebaggo

To put it into context BIL's family can stay whenever they like x
That does rather alter the way things look. How many are there in BIL's family? Do they stay in the AirB&B rooms without charge? How often and for how long?
Isawthathaggis · 22/08/2021 20:02

I think OP you’ve read the situation correctly. It was nice that you cooked for MIL but they don’t want you there.

You have been wendied. Best make other plans for holidays from now on.

I know exactly how much this hurts. But for your own, and your Dh’s dignity, don’t mention it again and make other plans.

KarmaStar · 22/08/2021 20:04

Yabvu.extremely entitled.

Planty13 · 22/08/2021 20:06

This is beyond entitled and yes YABU. You need to figure something else out. I’d say your past arrangements are somewhat uncommon band most families still manage to make time for each other without needing to take over several rooms of each others homes. How bizarre.

Hardbackwriter · 22/08/2021 20:06

@catmg

I'm sure Air BnB has a function where owners can mark their rooms as not available on chosen dates. Your BIL can do this so it takes away the suggestion that if an Air BnB booking comes through that takes precedence over you. Surely they don't need the Air BnB to be fully booked all the time to be able to pay their mortgage in any event?
It does but I can see why they're a bit reluctant to do this for all the time OP expects, since she says they want to stay 'every holiday and I mean every holiday half term school holidays probably every third or fourth weekend' - making the accommodation unavailable to paying guests at all those peak times so OP can stay would surely massively affect whether it's even profitable.
Planty13 · 22/08/2021 20:09

FYI even if it is true that your SIL doesn’t want you there….. that’s totally reasonable on her part too. If her home is open to paying guests that she needs to pay her mortgage than she likely has a lot on her plate. Plus having people using your home as a base and do their own thing is one thing, but I’d personally hate having family sleep over on a regular basis. A 2 hour drive each way is doable.

Doubledoorsontogarden · 22/08/2021 20:10

How did your sil get a mortgage? Affordability checks should have prevented them needing to let out rooms?!

Otherwise I would assume that your not welcome and stay elsewhere tbh

Elkey · 22/08/2021 20:11

@KarmaStar

Yabvu.extremely entitled.
I agree.

My parents live 3 hours away, no spare rooms. In the past I have: been to see them for a day; stayed in their living room overnight; or booked a hotel. Mostly they visit me.

You cannot expect your SIL to lose money every time you want to see your MIL. It's nothing to do with her. Why should she lose out whenever you say so? I get that the change has benefited them and has taken a privilege from you, but it was your MIL's choice and she's entitled to live where she pleases, even if that doesn't accommodate you a few nights here and there.

Aprilx · 22/08/2021 20:11

You cannot expect relatives to keep share rooms for you and your family to visit! You are being absurd.

Aprilx · 22/08/2021 20:12

*spare

MysteriousWhiff · 22/08/2021 20:17

@Notaroadrunner

Lots of grandparents don't have room to accommodate family. We don't have space to accommodate family so they stay in a hotel or Airbnb. It's a shame MIL made promises she can't keep but you need to accept that they need to make money to pay their bills. Can you not just find cheaper accommodation nearby or invite MIL to come to your house?
Give over Hmm
ittakes2 · 22/08/2021 20:21

I am sorry but if your m'n'law is 2hrs away its completely rubbish if you say you have to pay to see her. Sounds like you appreciated the free holiday accommodation in the past and are a bit miffed you can't continue with it. You said yourself your children are older - 2hrs can be done as a day trip.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/08/2021 20:22

In your shoes, I would be concerned they are taking advantage of your mil and she may be very unhappy. This could be slipping into financial abuse territory tbh. For your peace of mind, I would urge you to go and stay with them.

As for having to pay, they are absolute cheeky fuckers. Your mil gave them a chunk of money to provide a house and part of the agreement was that there were rooms enough for you to visit. Unless something drastic has happened work wise, of course they can afford it. They will have had to prove affordability prior to getting the mortgage.

Unfortunately your mil has probably given them the money and under the circumstances, they should be using the airbnb income to reimburse your mil… unless of course their income stream really has reduced.

Bottom line, it’s time to stand up to them. Your mil cannot be happy no longer seeing your side of the family regardless of how his sister may feel.

Goldbar · 22/08/2021 20:24

You cannot expect your SIL to lose money every time you want to see your MIL. It's nothing to do with her. Why should she lose out whenever you say so? I get that the change has benefited them and has taken a privilege from you, but it was your MIL's choice and she's entitled to live where she pleases, even if that doesn't accommodate you a few nights here and there.

But it does sound a bit like MIL has been taken advantage of, to a certain extent. She was under the impression that she could have her family to visit but now it appears that she can't. Would she have moved in with SIL and sacrificed her independence if the position had been made clear to her? Does she want to share her home with random Airbnb-ers?

Whatinthelord · 22/08/2021 20:31

I’m confused about who owns this house/ air B and B?
What percentage of the house was paid by MIL?
Are the SIL and BIL provider her with care or planning to as she ages?

If the house is mainly belonging to your SIL and BIL with MIl only putting in a small proportion to live there too then really it’s up to them if they charge or not.

If your MIL put in a large share then it is a more complicated situation and maybe you need a conversation with her about expectations around you being able to visit her. Also as pp said issues around inheritance might Need to be cleared up too.

In all honesty though having to kip in a living room is what most people do when they visit family. They’re only 2 hours away so it’s not like you can’t visit for shorter periods either. The idea you need 3 whole bedrooms to visit seems a bit ott.

Elkey · 22/08/2021 20:42

@Goldbar

You cannot expect your SIL to lose money every time you want to see your MIL. It's nothing to do with her. Why should she lose out whenever you say so? I get that the change has benefited them and has taken a privilege from you, but it was your MIL's choice and she's entitled to live where she pleases, even if that doesn't accommodate you a few nights here and there.

But it does sound a bit like MIL has been taken advantage of, to a certain extent. She was under the impression that she could have her family to visit but now it appears that she can't. Would she have moved in with SIL and sacrificed her independence if the position had been made clear to her? Does she want to share her home with random Airbnb-ers?

If that's true, I agree. Seems like this post is about the OP losing her MIL's spare rooms to stay in though, rather than genuine concern for her MIL. That seems to be the focus, certainly in the dramatic and untrue title.
user1493494961 · 22/08/2021 20:43

DH can go and fetch MIL to stay at yours for a few days, you'll have a nicer time without BIL and SIL around. I wouldn't pay to go there, you could get a family room cheaper in a hotel.

Buffoonborisisatwat · 22/08/2021 20:49

Does your SiL have an 'off season' when the rooms would be empty anyway? Or could you visit MiL when SiL is away on holiday and there are no guests?

StoneofDestiny · 22/08/2021 20:50

I’d not pay to stay.
Get MIL to visit you or just visit for the day.