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Original poster

Is it too soon to have this conversation?

92 replies

minkymilk · 22/08/2021 15:46

I met my boyfriend in March, officially 'together' since April, so the relationship is still very new. We have seen each other a lot, in fact it is most days since we met, so around 5 days a week unless we have other plans, we also keep in regular contact throughout the day. It's all been a bit of a whirlwind if I'm honest, I'm used to seeing new boyfriends 1-2 times a week. We've also been on a holiday for a week together and several nights away. We've not argued, fallen out, got bored of each other and I've not had any red flags with him.

The thing is, we've yet to have 'the kids' chat properly. He's got 2 DC from a previous relationship and I've got 1 DC. We've sort of skirted around the issue and he's been quite vague. Whilst I appreciate we'd have 3 DC between us, I've always wanted another biological child. I want my DC to have a biological sibling, and I want to experience pregnancy, birth, raising a child, being a mum in a solid relationship with someone I love, which I haven't experienced with DC1.

Things are starting to get more serious and we are being invited to events as a couple, we've met one another's family and friends. He's planning things for us to do months in advance... the thing is, I'm not sure whether this relationship has a future or not because I definitely want another DC. I've thought about whether I could be happy with just one DC, but I am only 27 and want the opportunity of more kids.

When we were at a family event recently, his mum commented that she wanted more grandchildren, but 'not from him as he already had enough.' He didn't really say anything back but I took note of what she had said. I'm not sure if it's too soon to bring up the conversation, but at the same time I can feel myself holding back from committing to him properly. Is it too soon?

OP posts:
PeasPeasPeasAreGoodForYou · 22/08/2021 15:48

I'd run if someone asked me this 4 months in

Zarene · 22/08/2021 15:54

I think you’ve had the chat as much as you can at this stage - he’s vague because he (understandably) doesn’t know whether he wants kids with you yet!

You’ve got ages, spend a bit of time getting to know him properly.

WitchBaby · 22/08/2021 15:57

It's only been a few months, give it time. Don't mention it to him yet either - he'll run a mile Grin

MrsRobbieHart · 22/08/2021 16:01

I think it’s fine to find out at this stage whether he is a firm no or not on kids. You don’t need to be wasting time with someone who isn’t going to be compatible with you down the line.

Word of caution OP: watch out for him saying what you want to hear without actually committing. Happens a lot. Man says “yeah, maybe, but not yet” and you say “well of course, not yet” but what you hear is “we’ll have kids in a few years” what he actually means is “shit, I don’t want to stop having sex and nice times with this last yet so I’ll say the words that will keep her hanging around a while.”

SwimmingUnderwater · 22/08/2021 16:04

I wouldn’t have this conversation so early in. It assumes you will get married or alt least seriously commit. If you were together a year or so perhaps.

Shurl · 22/08/2021 16:05

I met my dp and had the kids talk after about 6 weeks. We were pretty whirlwind too, otherwise it wouldn't have been so quick. But it was only in a "btw I want kids in the next 5 year, so if you don't want them ever then say now before things get serious" way

Shurl · 22/08/2021 16:06

He said he appreciated knowing where I stood btw.

Monsteraobliqua · 22/08/2021 16:08

I don't see the harm in asking if he wants children in principle or if it's a hard 'no more'. You'd obv not be asking at this stage if that was with you yet.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 22/08/2021 16:10

People have problems when they don't find this out early on. Obviously you don't ask in the first few minutes of knowing someone. But as early as you can you should find out if they want the same future you do. Because it's just that, a future, so it's not wrong to ask early on because you atent asking for it now. You just need to know if the relationship is worth it. It's ok not to ask about things that wpuldnt make you leave the relationship. But if its something you would leave over then you don't want to waste time and make it worse when you have to. This is why people come on here already married or long term and having just found out their partner doesn't want kids or more kids. Because it just kept getting not asked about because "it's too early" until "well itd be a waste of time to not be together now so I'll stay and he might want them in time".

smashionaltreasure · 22/08/2021 16:10

I don't think it's too soon given how strongly you feel. But the fact that you do feel this way is a risk in itself.

Dixiechickonhols · 22/08/2021 16:12

His Mum has done you a favour. Could you just say I’ve been thinking about what your mum said at bbq last week. I’m only 27 and know I definitely do want another baby at some point, I’m definitely not over that stage and would like DC to have a half sibling. Then see what he says. If it’s a hard no as he already has 2 then you all know where you stand.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 22/08/2021 16:31

I asked my now DH this on our third date! He had been divorced for a few years and had one DD who was 11. I just didn’t want to waste my time or my heart on someone if they were not interested in having another child.
I think Dixiechickonhols is right. You don’t need him to say that he wants to have a baby with you now but you do need to know if he is completely against it.

Anonymous48 · 22/08/2021 16:40

I definitely don't think it's too early. You don't necessarily need to talk about the two of you having kids together, but I'm surprised you haven't talked at all about what you envision your individual futures looking like.

HereForThis · 22/08/2021 16:46

Is it too early?

Definitely not. It's gotten serious. You know what you want - what's the point of going along with someone who may or may not want the same thing. Forget the "I'd run if someone asked me this blah blah blah" team - that's why so many people go into relationships or marriage and suddenly find out they're not on the same page. This is the time to talk about what you NEED. If you aren't on the same page, why continue? Best to know early.

AngryWhompingWillow · 22/08/2021 16:51

I'm on the fence @minkymilk On the one hand, it seems too soon, but on the other hand, I think you need to know before you commit any more time to this relationship. No good investing many more months/several years in it, only to find your partner doesn't want children when you do.

I have known quite a number of women waste some years with men, in the hope they would want children a few years down the line, but they never had 'the conversation... ' about children... After 5 to 8 years together, it emerged that their man never wanted them all along, and said 'well I never said I wanted them anyway.' He never said they didn't want them either. Hmm

Important conversation to have. Don't leave it too much longer.

girlmama32 · 22/08/2021 16:52

I would say it's too early to find out where you stand. Yes your still young and have plenty of time but what's the point in wasting time if it is a definite no from him?

I'd mention it, maybe bring up what his mum said and do it that way. If he's as serious as you think it won't put him off, it's not like your asking him to start trying you only want to know where you stand for the future.

girlmama32 · 22/08/2021 16:53

Sorry wouldn't say

Justwantanewname · 22/08/2021 17:17

My DH is from a different country. I asked him within a month of dating if he ever wanted to go back to live there as it would have been a deal breaker for meas I don’t want to live in that country. I wasn’t saying ‘let’s get married tomorrow’, but I was saying ‘no point taking this forward if ultimately it can’t lead anywhere’

Holly60 · 22/08/2021 17:19

I think it’s definitely not to early for a ‘would you have another child, if it was with the right person?’. It’s not like you need to ask ‘do you want children with me?’

Two completely different conversations …

Frlrlrubert · 22/08/2021 17:58

I don't think it's too early to ask him if he's done having children. At 27 you've got time on your side, but you don't want to be wasting years with him if ultimately he doesn't want another child. How old is he?

GarnetsandRubies · 22/08/2021 18:02

I'd deffo ask. What's the point in being with someone when you aren't on the same page! Infact I would have said a few dates in that I was 100% wanting more children. If he'd said he didn't want any more, or wasn't sure, I'd not see him again. Simple.

LavenderPink · 22/08/2021 18:15

Id ask before you move in with him

Doingtheboxerbeat · 22/08/2021 18:17

The obvious difference between asking a guy who is 25 and has no children and someone who has actual children and knows exactly what it entails. His DM may have hit on a nail - is his financial situation able to withstand another child? I wouldn't be shy asking this particular guy this question.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/08/2021 18:18

@PeasPeasPeasAreGoodForYou

I'd run if someone asked me this 4 months in
Me too. I’d very likely end the relationship as it would feel like I was only wanted for the children I could give not just for me.
knittingaddict · 22/08/2021 18:28

I don't think it's too early personally and anyone who runs a mile from an adult converstion about something as important as this isn't mature enough for a relationship. It's not telling him that he has to be the father of her child, it's just finding out if you have shared opinions or if there are deal breakers on the horizon.

I've heard of people bringing it up on a first date. I wouldn't be as brave as that, but I admire their desire not to waste their time on a relationship which isn't going to give them what they want.