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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it too soon to have this conversation?

92 replies

minkymilk · 22/08/2021 15:46

I met my boyfriend in March, officially 'together' since April, so the relationship is still very new. We have seen each other a lot, in fact it is most days since we met, so around 5 days a week unless we have other plans, we also keep in regular contact throughout the day. It's all been a bit of a whirlwind if I'm honest, I'm used to seeing new boyfriends 1-2 times a week. We've also been on a holiday for a week together and several nights away. We've not argued, fallen out, got bored of each other and I've not had any red flags with him.

The thing is, we've yet to have 'the kids' chat properly. He's got 2 DC from a previous relationship and I've got 1 DC. We've sort of skirted around the issue and he's been quite vague. Whilst I appreciate we'd have 3 DC between us, I've always wanted another biological child. I want my DC to have a biological sibling, and I want to experience pregnancy, birth, raising a child, being a mum in a solid relationship with someone I love, which I haven't experienced with DC1.

Things are starting to get more serious and we are being invited to events as a couple, we've met one another's family and friends. He's planning things for us to do months in advance... the thing is, I'm not sure whether this relationship has a future or not because I definitely want another DC. I've thought about whether I could be happy with just one DC, but I am only 27 and want the opportunity of more kids.

When we were at a family event recently, his mum commented that she wanted more grandchildren, but 'not from him as he already had enough.' He didn't really say anything back but I took note of what she had said. I'm not sure if it's too soon to bring up the conversation, but at the same time I can feel myself holding back from committing to him properly. Is it too soon?

OP posts:

AveryGoodlay · 22/08/2021 21:18

And you're only 27. I'd wait at least a year and until your kids have met one another before bringing this up. Ah yes much better to drag children into it.

OP isn't asking to blend families or to have a baby together. Just a simple question of what he wants from his life. There is no point being together years if you don't have the same goals for your relationship.

OP I don't know why people are finding this so hard to grasp.

AveryGoodlay · 22/08/2021 21:20

You did ask, so If I may make the observation, you sound almost demented about having more children, so please for your own good tone it down.

There really are sufficient children in the relationship at this stage. How much attention is being given to them, I wonder... Does making such comments anonymously make you feel like a good human being?

doodledeedum · 22/08/2021 21:22

Best to ask, don't waste your time because if you do want more and he doesn't, you may feel you're too far in after too long and if you hear he doesn't want more and carry on you have to be prepared not to be resentful. Good luck

pinkdot · 22/08/2021 21:27

I would ask! Obviously you can tell him you don't mean straight away!
I had a whirlwind romance too. Met in the feb, official by April, holiday in June and moved in in the July. 6 years later and we're married, got a mortgage and 2 beautiful babies. I told him I wanted all of this very early on and he appreciated knowing what I wanted and thankfully he wanted the same too!

Tiredtiredtired100 · 22/08/2021 21:33

It’s not too early at all. You have to ask him if he definitely doesn’t want any more children, as if he doesn’t you need to save yourself and your child from getting more embroiled in a relationship you will end.

FWIW I am a year into a relationship (similar in that I have 1DC and he has 3) and we had the conversation vaguely at an early stage and then more formally at 6 months and again at around 10 months. The problem is that in that time he has gone from ‘maybe’ to ‘no’ and I’ve gone from ‘maybe’ to ‘yes’. What I’m saying is that people change their minds about these things, so asking if it’s a hard no is fair, but a maybe can be just that. A lot of PP seem to think ‘maybe’ is a trick answer, but I think it is a genuine one too.

cunningartificer · 22/08/2021 21:34

I think his mum did you a favour. You can now easily say to him how did he feel about what she said, as you hadn’t thought ahead about children yet but found it a bit disconcerting to have options closed off like that… you don’t feel you have finished having children yourself, but was she voicing things he’d talked to her about before? It could open out a natural discussion… which you need to have before you accidentally get pregnant.

AngryWhompingWillow · 22/08/2021 21:38

@MalagaNights

I think if you're 27 already have one child and know you want a long term partner and another child it should be a first date discussion.

If you don't want the same things in life there's no point in all the 'how much do we like each other?' stuff.

If you want diffrent things you'll end up splitting up eventually.

It's diffrent if you're 18 not looking to settle down and just want to go with the flow.

But you know what you want and you only have so much time.

Exactly. 27 isn't THAT young. It's not OLD, but it's not super young. It's crawling towards the age where many women will be worrying about their fertility. I know that doesn't sit well with some on here who think you can leave having your first baby til you're 44, and all will be well forever!! But the fact is that once you pass 30, the fertility of MANY women will be starting to wane...

People are acting like the OP is 17! At 27, if I was in a new-ish relationship with a man, and he already had kids, I would want to know if he ever wanted to have kids with me. As I said, not 4 months in, but maybe 8-10 months. What's the point in wasting your life with someone who doesn't want kids when you do?

Best to know sooner rather than later.

Eralos · 22/08/2021 21:38

I think it’s sensible to talk about the future.

LemonFantaGin · 22/08/2021 21:47

It hasn't even been 6 months, please give it time and don't ruin a good relationship rushing feet first.

Justgettingbye · 22/08/2021 22:12

I think it's too full on tbh. You barely know each other. It sounds like you are just on the hunt for someone to have a child with. It's still the honeymoon period it won't be like this forever.

Needapoodle · 22/08/2021 22:46

I asked my now dh about this on the third date. He felt the same as me. There's literally no point continuing a relationship with someone who doesn't want the same as you, or who "runs a mile" because you ask them if they want more children. That's kind of pathetic to be honest and id be put off if someone couldn't answer a straight question.

turbonerd · 23/08/2021 06:26

All the weird «he will run a mile» posts on here explain so well how people have mis-communication almost as a goal in life.

Why?
It makes no sense to NOT adress such important things as and when the thoughts arrive. Not the very second the thoughts arrive, in case I’m mistaken as impulsive, but after a few days of mulling over how you think and feel.

If the other person then runs a mile it really is not worth pursuing a relationship because communication will only be superficial and that is the road to unhappiness right there.

LimeRedBanana · 23/08/2021 06:31

If the other person then runs a mile it really is not worth pursuing a relationship because communication will only be superficial and that is the road to unhappiness right there.

Exactly this ^^

MyOtherProfile · 23/08/2021 08:55

Agreed. If the other person runs a mile at the very hint of discussing whether they want children at all in their future (not next week with the person they just started dating) then I'd say they are speaking with their feet and it's best to call it a day early on.

Sandinmyknickers · 23/08/2021 09:07

@1forAll74

Good grief. it was almost three years before we started to talk about being serious, that was years ago, when people didn't waffle on about this being exclusive rubbish., and dead serious conversations about a life in the future, after only knowing someone for a very short while.

Some people seem so desperate these days, all this phoning and texting ,day in day out. It would irritate me big time.

Well good for you that it worked out. I also did the whole waiting years before talking serious...turned out we weren't compatible long term. What a waste if heart ache for nothing. Everyone's timeliness are different. No need to be so judgey and call people 'desperate' for being grown up and wanting to have an adult conversation before getting herself and her kid more invested in a relationship that may not be going anywhere.... to be honest, your way sounds far less grown up to me and more like you feel everyone ended to go through a weird teenage style dating phase for years where everything is superficial for as long as possible...(see, we can all do judgey)

LuaDipa · 23/08/2021 12:15

@knittingaddict

I don't think it's too early personally and anyone who runs a mile from an adult converstion about something as important as this isn't mature enough for a relationship. It's not telling him that he has to be the father of her child, it's just finding out if you have shared opinions or if there are deal breakers on the horizon.

I've heard of people bringing it up on a first date. I wouldn't be as brave as that, but I admire their desire not to waste their time on a relationship which isn't going to give them what they want.

I agree with this.

I was always very open with dh about wanting marriage and children in general. We were relatively young when we met and friends always thought I was mad as such talk might scare him off. I always took the view that if a general conversation about your desires for the future was enough to make someone run a mile, they weren’t the sort of person I would want in my life anyway.

Bells3032 · 23/08/2021 12:22

My now husband and I had this conversation on our second date - at four months we were discussing marriage. honestly if someone doesn't want kids and you do then what's the point of dating them?

You're not asking them to have a baby this minute just if they have thought about having more kids in the future.

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