Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it too soon to have this conversation?

92 replies

minkymilk · 22/08/2021 15:46

I met my boyfriend in March, officially 'together' since April, so the relationship is still very new. We have seen each other a lot, in fact it is most days since we met, so around 5 days a week unless we have other plans, we also keep in regular contact throughout the day. It's all been a bit of a whirlwind if I'm honest, I'm used to seeing new boyfriends 1-2 times a week. We've also been on a holiday for a week together and several nights away. We've not argued, fallen out, got bored of each other and I've not had any red flags with him.

The thing is, we've yet to have 'the kids' chat properly. He's got 2 DC from a previous relationship and I've got 1 DC. We've sort of skirted around the issue and he's been quite vague. Whilst I appreciate we'd have 3 DC between us, I've always wanted another biological child. I want my DC to have a biological sibling, and I want to experience pregnancy, birth, raising a child, being a mum in a solid relationship with someone I love, which I haven't experienced with DC1.

Things are starting to get more serious and we are being invited to events as a couple, we've met one another's family and friends. He's planning things for us to do months in advance... the thing is, I'm not sure whether this relationship has a future or not because I definitely want another DC. I've thought about whether I could be happy with just one DC, but I am only 27 and want the opportunity of more kids.

When we were at a family event recently, his mum commented that she wanted more grandchildren, but 'not from him as he already had enough.' He didn't really say anything back but I took note of what she had said. I'm not sure if it's too soon to bring up the conversation, but at the same time I can feel myself holding back from committing to him properly. Is it too soon?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/08/2021 19:40

It's not necessarily the child together but if he is open to having more children in a relationship.

Most people have an idea.
He is dating, so it can't be that big a surprise.
His mother is openly discussing it, even in front of you.
Her statement sounds like it may have come up before.

What ages is he and his children?

The further away from the baby stage you are, the less likely you want to return to it I think for a lot of people.

TootTootTootToot · 22/08/2021 19:42

I don't think it's too early. Like a PP said if you are having sex with him then how is it too early to discus what happens if you get pregnant and do you want kids conversation.

It sounds like it's a very full on relationship though - I'd slow things down and see how it goes.

You still have plenty of time to have another kid.

MalagaNights · 22/08/2021 19:42

I think if you're 27 already have one child and know you want a long term partner and another child it should be a first date discussion.

If you don't want the same things in life there's no point in all the 'how much do we like each other?' stuff.

If you want diffrent things you'll end up splitting up eventually.

It's diffrent if you're 18 not looking to settle down and just want to go with the flow.

But you know what you want and you only have so much time.

TootTootTootToot · 22/08/2021 19:43

Also, his Mum sounds awful!!

underneaththeash · 22/08/2021 19:45

I asked blokes when dating - poonutkess going out with someone when you want kids and they don’t!

CoalCraft · 22/08/2021 19:46

DH and I had "the chat" on the second day of being formally in a relationship, but it was a bit different as we knew each other for a year as friends before getting together, and it had already casually come up. DH said to me "you want kids one day, right?" And I said "yeah, one or two. You cool with that?" And he was.

I think it's sensible to have the conversation early to make sure you're even remotely compatible before getting too attached.

PlanDeRaccordement · 22/08/2021 19:50

I don’t think it’s too early to talk about what each of you wants in the future to include more kids or not. By now there should be talks about what you want to do with your lives? Do see yourself living in a big city? Or countryside? What career plans to you have? Do you like to travel a lot? How in to your hobbies are you? And yes, do you think you’d like more children?

Have that general future where do you see yourself what are your plans talk. It’s not too early. Just don’t open it with “hey I want another DC and I want you to be the dad and I want them in next three years”. It’s too soon for that kind of specific conversation. Stay general and see if any point going further.

PheasantsNest · 22/08/2021 19:54

We discussed having kids on the first date. Still together 25 years later.

turbonerd · 22/08/2021 19:56

My DH had this conversation with me on our second date. It went as follows: I WILL NOT HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN!
I appreciated his honesty. We have 3 each.

As it happened I did fall pregnant but miscarried before 2 months, and it turns out I cant have any more children anyway.

In short: have the conversation. It is important to know where you both stand on this issue.

BasicDad · 22/08/2021 20:02

Those saying they'd run a mile if this was brought up after nearly 5 months of dating? 🤔

If it's important to you, you should absolutely have the conversation as soon as possible. It doesn't need to be serious and committing, but understanding what each other wants is really important.

TheNinny · 22/08/2021 20:03

If this is a dealbreaker it’s fine to ask at 4 months. At this point, I’d say you know if you want to continue dating someone so it’s only natural to bring up things that are dealbreakers. Why waste your time and someone else’s on a relationship that you won’t stay in otherwise. If It’s a hypothetical ‘would you see yourself having another child’ sort of thing I can’t see how anyone would run a mile. Anyone serious about a relationship would of likely had these thoughts anyway. And plenty of relationships are serious at 4 months. I’m weirder than most but I let my boyfriend know early on I wanted marriage then kids with whoever my long term partner ends up being, so if he didn’t see himself doing this then to move on. I was 27 as well and had neither been married or had kids though. I just didn’t want to waste anyone’s time.

Lady1576 · 22/08/2021 20:12

My now husband and I talked about this early on. I think it’s a good idea to talk about it early on. Why would he run, if you both want the same thing. If he doesn’t it’s best to know early on.

Whatinthelord · 22/08/2021 20:16

I personally do think it’s too soon.
Maybe in 6 months time if things are still going good you could mention that in the long term you want another child.

MakeAWhish · 22/08/2021 20:19

Why are people so wary about talking about these things 'early on' in a relationship?! If it scares him away, then he wasn't ever the one!! You're both adults and you need to be honest about how you see the future for you - you're not asking him to impregnate you immediately and you don't even have to ask him necessarily what he wants, just make it clear you see more children in your future. Then it's up to him. This is more a 'getting to know you' piece of information surely? Be confident in who you are and what you want! It's not too much to ask and the right partner will support you!

Lilymossflower · 22/08/2021 20:19

I would personally ask this on one of the first few dates aha. Because I know I definitely don't want any more kids. I feel like it's an easier first date question in some ways , like where are you from? Where do you wanna go with your career ? Etc etc.
So I would say yabu for not having that chat yet

tedsletterofthelaw · 22/08/2021 20:23

I agree with the PPs saying it's not too early.

What's the point in wasting time with someone you see no future with if you want different things?

burnoutbabe · 22/08/2021 20:25

I always made it clear early days how I felt about this as i DO NOT want kids and wanted men to know this.
No point dating if they really wanted kids and I didn't.

Though lots of them have had kids and stayed friends with me.

Met current partner via online dating and there you do say up front what you want as I would rule out anyone who wanted kids or had kids.

CheshireDing · 22/08/2021 20:34

If you were 40 (for example) I could understand wanting to have that conversation soon, but you’re 27.

Can you both not just have some fund together and see how it goes? You have years ahead of you to have another child so what’s the rush foe the discussion? People can change their minds from 20’s to 30’s too.

If someone had asked me at 27 if I wanted children I would have said that I wasn’t bothered either way. Now at 45 I have 3 children (and didn’t have the first until I was 35).

Does it have to end the current relationship?

LimeRedBanana · 22/08/2021 20:37

I don’t think it’s too early to raise the subject in a ‘this is what I want in the future, does it align with what you want in the future, because if not, we might be better off going our separate ways’.

I’m amazed that you’re able to spend 5 nights a week together when you have three DC between you.

Clearly you’ve met his DC already, and he’s met yours already.

If you’re introducing your DC to a new partner just 4 months into the relationship, then I think you should be well able for a mature conversation with him. If anything, it’s even more important.

Nogardenersworld · 22/08/2021 20:46

Can’t believe people are saying it’s too early to have this conversation

You’re not asking him to have kids with you
You’re not saying you want kids with him
You’re not saying you’ll have kids in the next 9 months

You’re saying in theory how do you see your future? Is it with more kids?

Why would you wait a year to ask a question that is a deal breaker for you.

Do you see yourself getting married?
Do you expect someone to be / convert to your religion
Do you imagine you’ll have [more] children

Why would you waste your time on something that can never work.

And why would knowing what you want with your future (with or with out them) scare someone off?

illbeinthegarden · 22/08/2021 20:46

I don't think it's too early this is info you can get from most peoples dating profile.

I 100% do not want children so there is no point dating anyone for any time if they absolutely do.

ladygracie · 22/08/2021 20:48

I wonder if you could use what his mum said (about him having enough children) as a way into the chat? It is early but I think it’s important to find out if it’s a possibility or not.

AveryGoodlay · 22/08/2021 21:09

Isn't this normal "what do you want from life" talk in the first few weeks of dating? Everyone I've dated (men and women) have brought the subject up.

I’d very likely end the relationship as it would feel like I was only wanted for the children I could give not just for me. That is totally crazy to me. The OP isn't asking if he wants children with her. Just if he would like any more in general. I wouldn't be attracted to someone so immature that they confused the two.

AveryGoodlay · 22/08/2021 21:10

Also this has reminded me of my sister's friend. Together 2 or 3 years then married. Divorced within a year as one wanted children but the other didn't. They didn't have the conversation way before in case it scared the other off. Madness.

Daphnise · 22/08/2021 21:16

You've known each other a few weeks, so unless you want him to run for the hills, you'll need to be quiet about this desire for yet more children.

You did ask, so If I may make the observation, you sound almost demented about having more children, so please for your own good tone it down.

There really are sufficient children in the relationship at this stage. How much attention is being given to them, I wonder...

Swipe left for the next trending thread