Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Is it too soon to have this conversation?

92 replies

minkymilk · 22/08/2021 15:46

I met my boyfriend in March, officially 'together' since April, so the relationship is still very new. We have seen each other a lot, in fact it is most days since we met, so around 5 days a week unless we have other plans, we also keep in regular contact throughout the day. It's all been a bit of a whirlwind if I'm honest, I'm used to seeing new boyfriends 1-2 times a week. We've also been on a holiday for a week together and several nights away. We've not argued, fallen out, got bored of each other and I've not had any red flags with him.

The thing is, we've yet to have 'the kids' chat properly. He's got 2 DC from a previous relationship and I've got 1 DC. We've sort of skirted around the issue and he's been quite vague. Whilst I appreciate we'd have 3 DC between us, I've always wanted another biological child. I want my DC to have a biological sibling, and I want to experience pregnancy, birth, raising a child, being a mum in a solid relationship with someone I love, which I haven't experienced with DC1.

Things are starting to get more serious and we are being invited to events as a couple, we've met one another's family and friends. He's planning things for us to do months in advance... the thing is, I'm not sure whether this relationship has a future or not because I definitely want another DC. I've thought about whether I could be happy with just one DC, but I am only 27 and want the opportunity of more kids.

When we were at a family event recently, his mum commented that she wanted more grandchildren, but 'not from him as he already had enough.' He didn't really say anything back but I took note of what she had said. I'm not sure if it's too soon to bring up the conversation, but at the same time I can feel myself holding back from committing to him properly. Is it too soon?

OP posts:

knittingaddict · 22/08/2021 18:31

Me too.
I’d very likely end the relationship as it would feel like I was only wanted for the children I could give not just for me.

I don't know why you would think that. It's as simple as "I definitely want another child, if you don't then this relationship is not for me". What's wrong with that?

OurChristmasMiracle · 22/08/2021 18:32

I think it’s a “would you like any more kids” question rather than a “do you think we should have a kid together?”

First one I would be happy to answer. Second I would run a mile.

Also how often does he see his existing children if he sees you 5 times a week? Does he financially provide for them? Is he involved in their lives? If he doesn’t I wouldn’t want kids with him

TheUndoingProject · 22/08/2021 18:36

Completely agree with @OurChristmasMiracle. Asking him if he wants to have a baby with you next week would be too much, asking if he wants more kids in the future is completely reasonable. You should be able to have adult conversations with your partner.

Willowtree999 · 22/08/2021 18:45

I have had this conversation within weeks of being in a relationship with someone. I knew that I would never want more DC with anyone and if they did we were wasting each other's time.

Josiemac93 · 22/08/2021 18:47

I would absolutely have the conversation. I think communication is such an important part of a relationship and to know where you stand. You can always ask him what's his stance on having more children are, without saying I want a child with you right now. It doesn't have to be a big scary conversation. I think it's really important to know these things before you spend a year of your life with them. What if he turns around in a years time and says he absolutely doesn't want more children. Wouldn't you be a bit disappointed you didn't know earlier in the relationship?

AngryWhompingWillow · 22/08/2021 18:54

@knittingaddict

I don't think it's too early personally, and anyone who runs a mile from an adult conversation about something as important as this isn't mature enough for a relationship.

This in spades. ^

grey12 · 22/08/2021 18:56

Me and DH mentioned kids very early in the relationship.

It is important to mention in passing ideas regarding children. I wouldn't want to waste anyone's time in a relationship that was doomed to fail....

MalagaNights · 22/08/2021 19:00

Not too early.

More people should have upfront conversations about what they want in life to find out if you're on the same page.

Would save so much wasted time and heart break.

If you know what you want and he wants something different find out now and start dating again.

Don't put your children and his through another miserable break up once they think you're a set item, when you find out you want different things in a year's time.

Be confident to be clear about what you want from life.

thepeopleversuswork · 22/08/2021 19:02

TBH I would also run for the hills if someone asked me this after four months.

You're still in the honeymoon period. I assume your kids haven't met yet. There's still a ways to go before you know if you're even compatible as a couple yet, let alone whether you can blend families etc.

And you're only 27. I'd wait at least a year and until your kids have met one another before bringing this up.

1forAll74 · 22/08/2021 19:05

Good grief. it was almost three years before we started to talk about being serious, that was years ago, when people didn't waffle on about this being exclusive rubbish., and dead serious conversations about a life in the future, after only knowing someone for a very short while.

Some people seem so desperate these days, all this phoning and texting ,day in day out. It would irritate me big time.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/08/2021 19:06

@knittingaddict

Me too. I’d very likely end the relationship as it would feel like I was only wanted for the children I could give not just for me.

I don't know why you would think that. It's as simple as "I definitely want another child, if you don't then this relationship is not for me". What's wrong with that?

Because that clearly means I am only good enough to be in a relationship with if I agree to children and that I alone aren’t good enough.

ViciousJackdaw · 22/08/2021 19:08

@knittingaddict

Me too. I’d very likely end the relationship as it would feel like I was only wanted for the children I could give not just for me.

I don't know why you would think that. It's as simple as "I definitely want another child, if you don't then this relationship is not for me". What's wrong with that?

It reduces the other person to nothing more than their fertility. If all you want is a sperm donor then that's fine but at least own it.

EssexLioness · 22/08/2021 19:10

Looks like I am in the minority here. We had the conversation (initiated by him) on our very first date as part of the whole getting to know you thing. I was happy with this and thought it was good to know where we stood.

AngryWhompingWillow · 22/08/2021 19:12

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Because that clearly means I am only good enough to be in a relationship with if I agree to children and that I alone aren’t good enough.

But in the vast majority of cases, a person ISN'T going to be good enough for someone if they don't want children, and that other person does.

If you eventually want children, it's pointless entering into a relationship with someone who doesn't want them.

It's a dealbreaker for many. I think it's CRUCIAL to know if the person you are in a fairly solid relationship with eventually wants children. Maybe not 4 months in, but certainly around 8 months to a year in I would say.

AngryWhompingWillow · 22/08/2021 19:15

@ViciousJackdaw

It reduces the other person to nothing more than their fertility. If all you want is a sperm donor then that's fine but at least own it.

Wanting to know if the person you are in a relationship with, eventually wants to have children 'reduces them to just being a sperm donor.'

What a load of old rot. FFS just when I think I have read it all on here!

Some people on here have some fucked up views.

DroopyClematis · 22/08/2021 19:15

You don't seem 100% sure of this relationship so why are you considering a child with him?

AllAroundTheWorldYeah · 22/08/2021 19:18

@PeasPeasPeasAreGoodForYou

I'd run if someone asked me this 4 months in

I don't understand this mentality at all. Why risk wasting months of your life dating someone that isn't compatible? Maybe it's an age thing, but imo people dating in their 30s talk about these sorts of things on the first or second date.

twinningatlife · 22/08/2021 19:19

You're 27 not 37 - you've got time. You've been together all of 5 mins

Blossomtoes · 22/08/2021 19:21

@thepeopleversuswork

TBH I would also run for the hills if someone asked me this after four months.

And you're only 27. I'd wait at least a year and until your kids have met one another before bringing this up.

There’s no point in the kids meeting if there’s no future in the relationship. If you have red lines - and this is a big one - it’s better to sort them out sooner, rather than later.

MyOtherProfile · 22/08/2021 19:22

@EssexLioness

Same here with several men. One of those getting to know you questions. I met a guy, had a lovely date but half way through the evening he said he had 3 kids already and definitely didn't want any more. That was the end of the road for me because I did want kids

This doesn't mean I wanted him just for his sperm. It means I knew what I wanted. It's not the only deal breaker for me but it was an important one.

billy1966 · 22/08/2021 19:23

@Dixiechickonhols

His Mum has done you a favour. Could you just say I’ve been thinking about what your mum said at bbq last week. I’m only 27 and know I definitely do want another baby at some point, I’m definitely not over that stage and would like DC to have a half sibling. Then see what he says. If it’s a hard no as he already has 2 then you all know where you stand.

I think it is certainly something that can be discussed.

He has two children and could well feel he's done.
Which is perfectly reasonable.

But if he is it means he just is not the one for you.
There is absolutely no point becoming more invested, introducing you children if you are not on the same page.

I agree with very vague answers.
They are very often a cover for No but I really like what we have and don't want it to end.

You have one child, taking on another 2 and having another yourself adds up to a hefty 4 children.

I have 4 and it is not to be sneezed at work and expense wise.

We both love them very much but it is full on, and the older they get you realise just how huge a commitment it is.

Look carefully at how much he does for and with his children.

Is he fully hands on?

Don't get sucked into a step mother scenario which can be relentless and utterly thankless as so many threads on MN attest to.

Travielkapelka · 22/08/2021 19:25

We had this conversation early on, maybe within weeks. It wasn’t “would you want a child with me” it was, “would you want more children one day”. Big difference. I was certain I would never want another child and if he could see more children in his future then there wasn’t any point in moving the relationship forward. Lucky he doesn’t want anymore either so that’s fine but it was an important to have the conversation

Seafog · 22/08/2021 19:29

You are the thing is, if you are having sex, you should have the " if a pregnancy happens" conversation.

Briarshollow · 22/08/2021 19:29

@PeasPeasPeasAreGoodForYou

I'd run if someone asked me this 4 months in

Yep. Me too. Especially if they already had a child. Calm down. You’re 27.

scarpa · 22/08/2021 19:34

DH and I discussed this on our first date: I asked if he wanted kids, he said he would in future but that it wasn't a dealbreaker for him, I said I did and that it was important to me. It was fairly lighthearted in a general getting-to-know chat (politics, life plans, cats or dogs - the crucial stuff haha) but there was no point getting a year down the line and then one of us going "Oh btw this is a dealbreaker for me" and having wasted our time/being gutted the relationship is over.

(As it happens, 6 years later we both definitely don't want children! So people can also change their minds. But at the time, I didn't see the point in continuing to date someone who didn't share fundamental life goals with me - I wasn't dating for the sake of it, I was looking for a relationship with a view to it going long term, so I knew that conversation was important)

Flip

1 2 3 4