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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Self Appointed Family Photographer

84 replies

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 06:50

This blew up bigger than it needed to be (but did calm down again quickly) and I want to know when it inevitably gets brought up in the future if I was being totally unreasonable or not ...

Trying to relax around family member's house and another family member (who takes it upon herself to be the self appointed family photographer) keeps taking photos of us on her smart phone then putting them on group WhatsApp. I guess they were meant to be intimate, candid shots but I feel it was both constant/intrusive and they were extremely unflattering: me hunched over (fat roll out) with hair scraped back, no make up taking 5 mins to escape the kids, me sat watching TV with DH (with badly corrected red eye), me picking stuff off the floor, etc (you get the idea). When I asked her to stop because I was trying to relax with one of my DC she got very arsey with me and immediately started to tear up.

AIBU to demand that she slows down the photo taking and asks before she snaps?

OP posts:
Nobloat21 · 22/08/2021 06:54

I would fucking hate that and would have said so

Deereamer · 22/08/2021 06:54

Yanbu. That would get right on my nerves as well.

Cheeseismymiddlename · 22/08/2021 06:55

Not being unreasonable at all. We had a family BBQ yesterday , member literally scanning the group with a go pro while we were eating and chatting. I gentle put my hand over it and said no fuck off

NotJustACigar · 22/08/2021 06:56

YANBu she sounds like she has some mental health issues going on to cause her to react this way but her behaviour would have been very annoying. She should ask before snapping and shouldn't snap so much.

toomuchfaster · 22/08/2021 07:04

4 posts in and the mental health card is played! I suspect she just got a bit carried away and you will need to repeat yourself a few more times to get the message home.

HollyGrail · 22/08/2021 07:06

Take some crap photos of her and make sure they are on the family whatsapp.

Winterfellismyhome · 22/08/2021 07:08

I have a friend who used to do this, i had to ask her stop. I dont want pictures of me eating. She asks now before she takes any pictures

Original poster
LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 07:13

I'm so glad I've already had a couple of replies that I'm not as unreasonable as she made me out to be!!! The sad thing is I know for a fact that other family members hate it but have never said anything because they know she would cry

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 22/08/2021 07:15

You're entirely in the right.

GammyLeg · 22/08/2021 07:19

The crying sounds a bit manipulative - how does she handle criticism at work or people saying no to her otherwise?!

YANBU.

sbhydrogen · 22/08/2021 07:20

I used to do this to an extent, but I'd only share the good photos. If it was unflattering I'd keep 'em to myself.

Original poster
LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 07:21

@GammyLeg I mean it's a whole other issue but she doesn't work and she immediately cries at any hint of being told no so the whole family gave up saying no years ago. Very, very manipulative. She's an inlaw and we don't generally get on Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 07:23

@sbhydrogen can I ask why you used to do this? Genuinely curious.

Also, it had occurred to me that my idea of flattering and hers might be different

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 22/08/2021 07:28

@sbhydrogen

I used to do this to an extent, but I'd only share the good photos. If it was unflattering I'd keep 'em to myself.
And delete them?

Did your unwitting models agree that the pictures you kept were flattering?

phishy · 22/08/2021 07:37

YANBU. Why is she there so much?

Take bad candid pics of her and put them up, see how she likes it.

FartleBarfle · 22/08/2021 07:39

My BIL used to do this. I have no idea what his deal was. If we visited he would give us a timeslot of availability between 90 mins - 2 hours long, usually over lunch, provide us with a sandwich from the petrol station to share (nothing extra for the kids), and then after we were ushered to leave we would receive 120-150 candid and unflattering photos via WhatsApp. It's more than I would take on a holiday, for a really uneventful, frankly boring meetup.

As the journey was 3 hours long, and they never ever made the effort to visit us (both have two kids similar ages) we stopped visiting in the end, thinking we would wait to see if they would come to us! That was in 2018! Still look back at the photos and think, what a weirdo!

DrSbaitso · 22/08/2021 07:41

My father used to do similar (shouting and stalking off rather than crying). It was entirely about him and his desire to be known as the person who caught all the good moments (which he didn't, and if he did he ruined them because then we got upset because we didn't want to be photographed).

Also his desire to control the family narrative, which naturally meant he was the judge on which photos were flattering.

Your relative might not have thought it through to this extent, but for whatever reason, she values her wish to take pictures over her subjects' wish not to be photographed intrusive and will emotionally blackmail you to those ends. You don't owe her anything.

thelegohooverer · 22/08/2021 07:42

I’ve been having conversations with my dc around the various issues of digital consent and I make a point of asking if it’s ok to take their picture, and if they are happy with me sharing it.
Ds turned round to our intrusive family photographer and said “I do not consent to be in this photograph”. Typically photographer saw this as being difficult, and extended family are still working out of the paradigm of children not being actual people and advocating discipline as a cure for autism Naturally I backed ds fully, and he stepped out of the photo.
I’m absolutely a coward, and still hid behind the dc! The conversation was around the challenge of preparing dc for social media, thinking before clicking, etc. It didn’t include how bloody intrusive the camera is, or the words “would you ever fuck off”. So huge applause from me OP!

But maybe if it comes up again you could talk in terms of consent, having input in the images that are released online or shared. Sometimes it helps to take the conversation from the personal into the general. Especially when people are reacting on an emotional level (you made her cry!) to challenge them logically might make it less about you being a meanie. YANBU

Original poster
LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 07:56

Thanks for the replies - really useful insights! I said that my consent to be in photos mattered too (and then cringed because the way I said it made me sound like a highly sought after celebrity Grin). It really didn't go down well.

This is probably outing but the reason she was round so much was we have severely disabled DC and had gone to stay with one family member for help and they came round to visit each day during our stay. So I really get that she was over-excited about seeing DC which happens rarely, but @DrSbaitso your comment really struck home: 'she values her wish to take pictures over her subjects' wish not to be photographed intrusive and will emotionally blackmail you to those ends.' It's like that with everything, she values her wants over everyone's needs.

FWIW I have no problem with her taking pics of DC as long as she doesn't put them on FB or do it literally constantly or they show they don't like it.

@thelegohooverer I'm always the meanie about everything Sad

Also, whoever said about 'controlling the family narrative' - SO true

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 22/08/2021 08:00

Start doing it right back to her. See if she likes it.

If she does, you're screwed of course but I'm betting constant snaps and unflattering angles will get the message across.

FartleBarfle · 22/08/2021 08:03

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

That's perfect 😂
You could really have some fun waiting for them to be in unflattering positions too!

DrSbaitso · 22/08/2021 08:10

@LadyOfLittleLeisure

Thanks for the replies - really useful insights! I said that my consent to be in photos mattered too (and then cringed because the way I said it made me sound like a highly sought after celebrity Grin). It really didn't go down well.

This is probably outing but the reason she was round so much was we have severely disabled DC and had gone to stay with one family member for help and they came round to visit each day during our stay. So I really get that she was over-excited about seeing DC which happens rarely, but @DrSbaitso your comment really struck home: 'she values her wish to take pictures over her subjects' wish not to be photographed intrusive and will emotionally blackmail you to those ends.' It's like that with everything, she values her wants over everyone's needs.

FWIW I have no problem with her taking pics of DC as long as she doesn't put them on FB or do it literally constantly or they show they don't like it.

@thelegohooverer I'm always the meanie about everything Sad

Also, whoever said about 'controlling the family narrative' - SO true

Yep, all sounds very familiar.

I remember one family holiday when I actually tried to suggest shots to Dad and he got very annoyed about it. Another year as a teenager and huge drama because I wouldn't let him photograph me in my bikini (didn't mind wearing one, didn't want photos of me in it, especially taken by him). Told him he should let me take shots of his hairy sunburned crack for posterity. That went down well.

But yes, it was absolutely about putting his own narrative and self above what everyone else wanted or was comfortable with. And I'm sorry to say it, and I might be wrong, but if you have a disabled child then some people do take that as a kind of plot device in the overall narrative of themselves. It's not on.

Original poster
LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 08:12

😂 to the posters suggesting I step up to the unflattering family photographer role. It could be a lot of fun, hiding in corners and whipping out my phone for some beautiful candid shots of her trying to eat, or slouched and mindlessly scrolling on her phone Grin

This will sound mean but she LOVES to be the centre of attention though and would possibly enjoy it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 08:15

@DrSbaitso you must be a psychologist as this is absolutely spot on: 'I'm sorry to say it, and I might be wrong, but if you have a disabled child then some people do take that as a kind of plot device in the overall narrative of themselves. It's not on.'

OP posts:
OiPanda · 22/08/2021 08:18

I'd approach it from the consent angle like @thelegohooverer suggests.

You've done the right thing. You could maybe suggest you all pose for a picture and then you can all relax. But that's up to you of course.

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