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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Self Appointed Family Photographer

84 replies

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 06:50

This blew up bigger than it needed to be (but did calm down again quickly) and I want to know when it inevitably gets brought up in the future if I was being totally unreasonable or not ...

Trying to relax around family member's house and another family member (who takes it upon herself to be the self appointed family photographer) keeps taking photos of us on her smart phone then putting them on group WhatsApp. I guess they were meant to be intimate, candid shots but I feel it was both constant/intrusive and they were extremely unflattering: me hunched over (fat roll out) with hair scraped back, no make up taking 5 mins to escape the kids, me sat watching TV with DH (with badly corrected red eye), me picking stuff off the floor, etc (you get the idea). When I asked her to stop because I was trying to relax with one of my DC she got very arsey with me and immediately started to tear up.

AIBU to demand that she slows down the photo taking and asks before she snaps?

OP posts:

DrSbaitso · 22/08/2021 08:27

[quote LadyOfLittleLeisure]@DrSbaitso you must be a psychologist as this is absolutely spot on: 'I'm sorry to say it, and I might be wrong, but if you have a disabled child then some people do take that as a kind of plot device in the overall narrative of themselves. It's not on.'[/quote]
Not a psychologist, just someone with some experience of how people often react to people, especially children, with disabilities. Coupled with a person who likes to control the family narrative through photographs with no respect for consent, and I get a picture (ha ha) in my head...

MrsToothyBitch · 22/08/2021 08:30

I hate having my photo taken- I'd have matched her tear for tear, I hate it that much! Perhaps your ILs need to see her upset someone that much?

I think the best thing you do is just call her on it, every time. "Oh, no thank you Jane", "Jane, we don't want you to take pictures of this- please stop", "Jane I don't want to be photographed nor do I want you photographing DC- if you don't put the camera away we'll have to go" "Jane, why don't you put down the camera and join in". Then follow through with leaving the room, packing up etc. People might follow suit if you've established a precedent!

GalaxyGirl24 · 22/08/2021 08:31

That would annoy me. I hate awful photos, if it's of kids fair enough as children always look lovely and that's a nice moment to capture. Maybe I wouldn't mind if I looked good in them it would annoy me less but I'm not one for candids 😖

Angryfrommanchester1 · 22/08/2021 08:37

In addition to consent which can sound a little perfunctory in this setting (but obviously valid), it’s just politeness too ask? Literally no one wants to see snaps of themselves eating, bending over etc?
Tell her she needs to ask in advance and you find it too intrusive. Personally I would hate this.

Lilyargin · 22/08/2021 08:43

I have a relative (IL) who used to do this. She would turn up with a big camera strapped around her neck and keep adjusting the focus and snapping like a paparazza. I think it was a way of dealing with her extreme social anxiety and I was too polite to say much, although I did ask her not to put the photos on fb. Had I said more, she definitely would have cried so I suppose that stopped me, and I felt sorry for her.
Now that she’s more relaxed around me it has stopped but it’s weird behaviour and I feel your frustration.

Terhou · 22/08/2021 08:45

Can you make a plan with other family members that you are going to ignore crying as a tactic? It sounds like the only way you are going to be able to get boundaries in place.

billy1966 · 22/08/2021 08:55

This would give me the absolute rage.

Her wants above everyone else and as for the manipulative crying when challenged.🙄

Your children's privacy needs protecting from this arse.

LindaEllen · 22/08/2021 08:56

My uncle does this. He is actually a professional photographer and very good at his job, but he is just so, so intrusive. It's as though we've paid him to be the photographer at every event - we haven't. But it's not even just big events, it's even meals out, I'm photographed putting food into my mouth. As someone with issues around eating, I do not want to a) see it or b) have it distributed between other family members.

To make matters worse, I once used one of his photos that was quite nice (as I said, he is a pro) as my profile pic on Facebook, as it was of me and my late grandad. I got a message from his wife saying it would have been polite to ask his permission or at least credit him on the photo .. I replied that it would also be nice to be asked permission before having my photo taken 30 times an hour during a quiet family get together, but we can't all have what we want .. she never replied.

OiPanda · 22/08/2021 08:59

I replied that it would also be nice to be asked permission before having my photo taken 30 times an hour during a quiet family get together, but we can't all have what we want .. she never replied. nice one!

I hate photos of people eating too

pinkcircustop · 22/08/2021 09:01

I think YABU and candid photos are lovely but then I can’t be entertaining people who “don’t like their photo taken” so 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 09:02

Oh my goodness @LindaEllen the credit thing happened to me when I had Facebook, with the same family member!! This was years ago but I got a really stupid message asking me to formally credit her (she is not a professional or even semi professional photographer, it was a normal photo, taken of me ON MY WEDDING DAY, on a little, normal camera). I got this really snotty message about crediting her even though she knew at the time I was miscarrying my first baby. When I challenged it, she cried so much she made her husband ring my DH to tell him to make me apologise. That's another theme in this - her husband and mine trying to stop me confronting her so she doesn't cry.

OP posts:

Angryfrommanchester1 · 22/08/2021 09:06

@LadyOfLittleLeisure

Oh my goodness *@LindaEllen* the credit thing happened to me when I had Facebook, with the same family member!! This was years ago but I got a really stupid message asking me to formally credit her (she is not a professional or even semi professional photographer, it was a normal photo, taken of me ON MY WEDDING DAY, on a little, normal camera). I got this really snotty message about crediting her even though she knew at the time I was miscarrying my first baby. When I challenged it, she cried so much she made her husband ring my DH to tell him to make me apologise. That's another theme in this - her husband and mine trying to stop me confronting her so she doesn't cry.

OMG if she sends her husband to your husband tell him you’ll start crying too, so there will be a ‘cry off’ and the winner is proved right. Ask him if that’s what he wants.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 22/08/2021 09:08

I hate people who weaponise their tears
I hope you told her husband to sod off.

You all need to stop letting her control you with crocodile tears.

Original poster

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 09:09

Cry off 😂

OP posts:

phishy · 22/08/2021 09:10

Yep the way to deal with cryers is to cry right back at them (or just get really upset and emotional). It confuses the hell out of them.

Xenia · 22/08/2021 09:11

My student twins say they prefer candid pictures and hate all having to pose in a line for a once a year photo (none of us post any photos on social media ). We do require consent in this family. Every family is different.

People need to remember the law - the person taking it owns the copyright and it cannot be used without their consent. The person in the photo - that is their personal data and data protection law may well apply too never mind laws of confidentiality. So bottom line is -get consent and you are all fine and dandy.

DrSbaitso · 22/08/2021 09:11

Or just say: "Crying at me isn't going to work."

Original poster

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 09:12

I did @IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

I'm always framed as the unreasonable/argumentative family member but at least I do have some integrity rather than just talk about her behind her back like the rest of them do.

OP posts:

DemBonesDemBones · 22/08/2021 09:12

Yep, my mother's husband is like this. He was shoving his stupid camera in my kid's faces hours after birth (one in special care.) Didn't stop when asked (even by staff!) We've been NC with them (for many reasons) for almost 7 years.

OiPanda · 22/08/2021 09:14

she made her husband ring my DH to tell him to make me apologise.

My DH would just say he doesn't control me! What a weird thing to do.

DrSbaitso · 22/08/2021 09:21

@LadyOfLittleLeisure

I did *@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves*

I'm always framed as the unreasonable/argumentative family member but at least I do have some integrity rather than just talk about her behind her back like the rest of them do.

I've got a similar reputation in my family. They complain among themselves about me and what a terrible human I am, but they no longer take shit photographs when I don't consent, or try to persuade me that the abuse I experienced growing up was not that bad really.

Can you tell that I haven't got a lot of patience with guilt trips?

Chikapu · 22/08/2021 09:22

That's another theme in this - her husband and mine trying to stop me confronting her so she doesn't cry

So your husband is taking her side?
I'd just tell her you don't want your picture taking, she's a crap 'photographer' and if she continues you'll be inserting her phone where the sun doesn't shine. Walk away if the tears start.

honeylulu · 22/08/2021 09:24

Solicitor here. The above isn't necessarily true. If the author supplies you with the image without any conditions applied, the implied position is that it has been given to you for your use with are no conditions and you can do with it as you please.

Hermanfromguesswho · 22/08/2021 09:26

She does sound like very hard work.
Perhaps there’s a subconscious thing of her doing what she’d like others to do though? I have barely any photos of me and I know lots of other Mums are in the same position. I value photos hugely. I take lots, look at them often and have them in albums and in frames at home. I take a lot of my family and am in them via selfie as often as I can but hardly any of me.
I’d love natural photos of me having fun, with my children etc. I do try and snap the odd photo of a friend or my sister playing with their children and send it to them for that reason.
Could you try taking photos at the next family get together? That way you don’t have to be in them, she still gets her photos and even some with her in them?

dottydodah · 22/08/2021 09:26

I would really hate this Im afraid.Most people I know would as well! Really out of order .Its a complete invasion of privacy .Tell her to fuck off and get another hobby!

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