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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Self Appointed Family Photographer

84 replies

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 06:50

This blew up bigger than it needed to be (but did calm down again quickly) and I want to know when it inevitably gets brought up in the future if I was being totally unreasonable or not ...

Trying to relax around family member's house and another family member (who takes it upon herself to be the self appointed family photographer) keeps taking photos of us on her smart phone then putting them on group WhatsApp. I guess they were meant to be intimate, candid shots but I feel it was both constant/intrusive and they were extremely unflattering: me hunched over (fat roll out) with hair scraped back, no make up taking 5 mins to escape the kids, me sat watching TV with DH (with badly corrected red eye), me picking stuff off the floor, etc (you get the idea). When I asked her to stop because I was trying to relax with one of my DC she got very arsey with me and immediately started to tear up.

AIBU to demand that she slows down the photo taking and asks before she snaps?

OP posts:

Gimlisaxe · 22/08/2021 09:38

I have one of these as well, apart fromt he fact she uploads the photos straight to facebook.

I messaged her and told her to delete all the ones of me and my child, tbf to her she did and apologised, but she always has the camera out, she is good though and its rare she takes a bad photo, but I don't want my mug, let alone my child on social media.

Original poster

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 09:48

'So your husband is taking her side?' in the early days I think he wanted me to not pick fights, these days he privately agrees with me but doesn't necessarily jump in to defend my honour 😅

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 22/08/2021 09:53

@pinkcircustop

I think YABU and candid photos are lovely but then I can’t be entertaining people who “don’t like their photo taken” so 🤷‍♀️

Then you have issues with consent, & being able to accept that other people's wishes are equally important to your own, pinkcircus.

billy1966 · 22/08/2021 10:00

And you remained married to an arse like that, after the wedding photo?

Original poster

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 10:18

@billy1966 well I'm not going to defend DH on this score, he knows that I think it's a bit crap that they all enable her even when I'm emotional collateral. I will say (as I'm aware a lot of OPs do ...) that he is a great DH in most regards and that I probably am quite argumentative

OP posts:

Original poster

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 10:20

@pinkcircustop thanks for your opinion - posting in AIBU I was expecting some would say IABU. I do, however, agree with @ChargingBuck

OP posts:

OiPanda · 22/08/2021 10:22

@pinkcircustop

I think YABU and candid photos are lovely but then I can’t be entertaining people who “don’t like their photo taken” so 🤷‍♀️

Candid photos are rarely lovely imo. A couple maybe but in my experience they are always unflattering, taken from weird angles and catch someone with their mouth open.

OiPanda · 22/08/2021 10:22

Maybe a professionals candid photos are better

Hadalifeonce · 22/08/2021 10:26

I hate having my photograph taken, and would have no problem telling her not to take my photograph, couldn't give a shit about her crocodile tears.

billy1966 · 22/08/2021 10:30

Fair enough OP😁👍

Notenoughcider · 22/08/2021 10:34

@HollyGrail

Take some crap photos of her and make sure they are on the family whatsapp.

I'd do the same. Or with some lovely ugly witch filters.

The fact that she cries and no one else is willing to stand up to her though makes me think she has been the pandered to golden child perhaps? I have one of these in my family. There have been hundreds of times where they have behaved in unacceptable manner and then got upset, cried to daddy and had daddy ring me to tell me off when I spoke out against it. The best was when she almost drove off a blind bend at night and I was the unreasonable one for telling her to slow down!

sbhydrogen · 22/08/2021 10:47

I used to be a professional photographer, and people were my thing. Plus, it was pretty ordinary in my family to have a camera around at all times (I'm not the only one) so nobody bats an eyelid. Except my SIL, but I didn't take pics of her so she was comfortable.

I never delete images.

user1493494961 · 22/08/2021 10:48

If you can't bring yourself to tell her, I would make sure I always had my back towards her.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/08/2021 10:54

@sbhydrogen

I never delete images.

Do you make them public on social media or just keep them yourself?

Angryfrommanchester1 · 22/08/2021 10:59

@sbhydrogen I never delete images.

Why is this relevant? It sounds a bit ominous?

DrSbaitso · 22/08/2021 11:04

Never delete images? Even the shit ones? Even the ones that the subjects didn't want and don't like?

To what purpose?

OiPanda · 22/08/2021 11:04

I never delete images. that sounds a bit threatening tbh. Do you tell all your relatives this? It sounds quite menacing! I don't think I'd be able to relax around you.

Original poster

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 22/08/2021 11:59

@sbhydrogen why do you 'never delete images'? That does sound a bit ominous tbh 🤔

OP posts:

TheSmallAssassin · 22/08/2021 12:04

Just let her cry, she won't drown, the world won't end.

Poptart4 · 22/08/2021 12:08

YANBU

We used to have a family member do this. He would take pictures of us all hanging out without our knowledge and then post them on Facebook. Honestly they were the most unflattering pictures ever. Think one eye closed the other half open, mouth open, eating etc.

To make it worse he had over 1000 'friends' on Facebook so alot of people saw them. He thought he was catching 'the moment', we pointed out he was embarrassing us and he stopped.

Don't let the crying manipulate you, firmly insist she stops taking pictures of you without tour consent.

pandapots · 22/08/2021 13:58

Sounds like my mother in law. Constantly putting a camera in your face, again and again and again when you're just trying to relax / in your dressing gown / playing with the kids.

It makes me feel constantly on edge and we have asked her again and again to stop (not just me but other members of the family too as it drives them mad as well). Now she has acquired a paparazzi style lens too so we aren't even safe from a distance.

All this excessive photo taking is a bit ironic as in spite of there being hundreds of family photos on their wall not one includes me .

SpaceBethSmith · 22/08/2021 14:03

Nope, I would hit the roof. Nobody takes my photos without consent.

mbosnz · 22/08/2021 14:11

Well, she can boo the fucking hoo off, can't she? I don't care about kids fake crying when they've been called out on their inappropriate behaviour, and I care about adults fake crying when the same happens even less.

Original poster

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 23/08/2021 08:43

I'm definitely going to ignore the crocodile tears when it comes up again. More worried about when she inevitably says I'm affecting her mental health. I'm not without compassion (and have had serious mental illness myself) but it's another thing she says if anyone ever disagrees with her, so she gets her own way on all issues. Always.

OP posts:

DrSbaitso · 23/08/2021 09:22

@LadyOfLittleLeisure

Tell her that being constantly papped is affecting YOUR mental health, and that no mental health professional will advocate non consensual, intrusive photography as a coping mechanism, so it's up to her to work with her counsellor to find something else to maintain her balance. It is not your responsibility to manage her moods for her.

Honestly, fuck the guilt trips. Don't give them the power. The irony is that without guilt tripping and emotional blackmail, we would all treat each other better.

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