Give me the honest truth

[CallHimMrRaider]

Been with DP 13 years and have two dc aged 7 and 9, one with sen. I’ve always known DP is on the spectrum and made allowances because I’m not the easiest person to live with either but I feel like I’ve reached my limit and the tension in our house is awful.

I’m just sick of feeling like his head is in the clouds thinking about anything other than our family. If he’s not in his phone he’s on his laptop or he’s pootling about in the garage. He thinks being at home makes him ‘present’ and engaging with any of us doesn’t seem to Cross his mind. As a result I am responsible for everything within the house as it just doesn’t occur to him/cross his mind to organise food, activities, ideas etc and the kids just deviate to me the whole time as he’s in his own little world.

We’ve had this discussion a million times and I’m so frustrated with trying to get him to connect with us all and have a day with each other that doesn’t involve him on his phone or just somewhere else in his head entirely. It’s like he doesn’t need to connect with anyone at all and it makes for such a lonely place for me. I feel at the end of my tether with it all.

The difficulty is that he’s not a bad bloke and will do anything he’s asked, but I constantly feel like I’m parenting 3 kids not two. I feel so resentful that he doesn’t play or particularly communicate with the kids, especially the one with sen who would get so much from him interacting with them and engaging with them, showing them things and spending quality time with them.

I know this is partly down to who he is as a person - he’s quiet and pretty unaware and I knew this when I got with him. I just feel so trapped now with someone who isn’t bad at all but just doesn’t bring anything to the table.I have to literally organise and put everything in place for the kids to do anything because he just leaves it all to me. Asking him to step up just seems to fall on deaf ears and he’s clearly not going to change now as we’ve been close to breaking up I’ve this a few times now and he says he’ll try harder but always just reverts to his own little world.

Am I just a high maintenance person would should be happy that I have an honest guy who loves his kids and me, but is just is a bit useless?
Kids would be devastated if we split, they completely adore him and are v sensitive type of kids who wouldn’t adjust easily. I keep thinking how we could do it amicably but My MIL is a nightmare who would blame me for everything and turn it all nasty but that’s a separate thread and a separate grudge from me about how he can never stand up to her.

Splitting the whole family would cause so much devastation but I don’t know how long I can happily trundle along with someone that I’ve lost respect for because he doesn’t seem as committed to me as making our family time fun and rewarding. If it was up to him the kids would watch TV all day.I feel so so resentful literally all the time.

AIBU?

You can end a marriage for any reason, OP. Not engaging with you or his children sounds like a good enough reason to me. Does he have a diagnosis? I couldn’t tell from your OP.

If you cannot be happy with him then you have every right to feel this way and be thinking about options that aren't being unhappy for the rest of your life.
It doesn't make you high maintenance at all, we all want to be happy.

He doesn’t have an official diagnosis but meets so much of the criteria and he’s accepted this himself. My child’s OT has picked up on it and commented on his inability to understand emotions and how to connect/comfort me etc.

I just feel like a bully trying to get him to be someone he’s not with the kids and that he’s not a bad dad at all, just absent because of the way he is. I desperately don’t want to split the family up and break the kids hearts when he’s not a bad person, just unaware.

I feel like I have to live like this for the sake of the kids because the alternative feels too awful to consider and I would carry so much guilt from it but inside I’m becoming a very bitter, hateful person because of it.

It’s not just my happiness though lilmishap, it’s the children’s too. If it was just me it would have been over a long time ago.

It the children will see their father won’t they? 50:50 is more usual and then he’ll have to step up and get organized.

I would start by asking him how he feels he would cope if you split up? How would he cook and organize the children?

Sometimes a reality checked is needed.

He must have some attractive qualities for you to have fallen in love with him. What was he like when you first met, did you communicate then and do stuff together ? has it got worse since the kids came along?

That’s just it BluebellsGreenbells, he would cope but stuff like homework, appointments etc wouldn’t get done, they’d be forgotten. So I’d be left trying to organise everything from my end anyway, even if we weren’t together. It feels like a no win situation either way.

@Babyroobs

He must have some attractive qualities for you to have fallen in love with him. What was he like when you first met, did you communicate then and do stuff together ? has it got worse since the kids came along?

What I'm saying is you had four years together before starting a family. Was he communicating/ connecting with you then? Is it just family life that he finds difficult, because if so then you have to be accepting that if you split he probably isn't going to do a fair share of the parenting, or when the kids are with him you are going to be worrying that he is not engaging with them?

Babyroobs it does seem worse since the kids came along. We got on well when we got together but did lots of stuff separately. It’s like he doesn’t realise that now we have kids we need to incorporate them in to having fun times and doing stuff, rather than just mooching about the house with the occasional interaction until he gets time to go off and do his hobby or something else that interests him.

Have you actually ever had a frank, all cards on table chat with him about how you feel?

But you're not just trying to get him to be "someone he's not" with the kids. An example of that would be being annoyed at him because he's quiet and you wished he would spend more time rpugh housing with the kids or taking them to football matches like their mates dads do. That would be wanting him to change his personality. Or another example of a loud, laddish dad and a sensitive son and wishing the dad would do things the son enjoys rather than what they think he should etc.

What you're saying is he doesn't really engage at all with them. So it's not even he's not the ideal type of dad youd want for the kids you have, it's that he doesn't really do any parenting at all. He's just a bloke that sits in the same room as them for an hour or two a day. You say he doesn't think about anything at all for them including food, activities....if you had to go away for work for a few days or were really ill, would he not be able to feed them appropriately or get them ready for school? Does he know their doctors details, any allergies etc? Their friends names?

You're not trying to get him to be someone he's not because he IS a parent, he's just not acting like one. And that's shit.

I was you for 13yrs.

I left.
That was 7 yrs ago now. Dc are late teens now and because I did everything with them, they dont remember how little input their DF had with them.
Ex Dp finally stepped up and engaged with his children and became a good Dad as a result of us leaving.

I am still resentful about the whole relationship tbh. .

Good Luck

Would he engage more if he wasn't seeing them all the time?
Could you tell him you'd like him to spend X amount of time with them weekly and see how that goes?

If he's not engaging with them while living in the same house I'm not sure what they'd be missing out on if he lived elsewhere.

Yep had dozens of frank, cards on the table talks and he is attentive to all of us for a week or two then reverts back to normal behaviour.

Thevassal - be us perfectly able to look after them in his own way when I’m not around, but that is basic care in that he will make them a simple lunch, sort out a problem if they have one like a toy needing fixing etc. There’s just no voluntary engagement from him - he would really just rather be left alone.

On a school day he would be likely to sleep in but other than that he would be able to get them ready, sort out bags etc. In fact he does quite a lot of the school runs.

Perfunctory, every day stuff is fine. It’s the talking to them, laughing, coming up with ideas, playing, doing something fun etc. He has no appetite for it whatsoever.

Really difficult for you. Does he know how close to the edge you are?
What happens if you just leave him to it? Have hit ever done that?

You not hit!

What would happen if you got a hobby out of the house. So if you go to choir or knitting or swimming for 3 hrs every week. Would he be able to look after the kids & engage with them?

Why not do it & try. It would give you a break and give him training in being a (single) parent.

So you’ve told him how he’s acting is a deal breaker for you?
And he hasn’t changed?

Does that not tell you everything you need to know?
Why do you need to be the only one compromising - and for what? So you can raise a third ‘child’ and do all the house work and parenting?

And somehow you’ve been made to feel like you may be being unreasonable for not fancying that?

RickOShay done it loads of times. As I say, he can easily manage their needs without me (although he does get stressed with them and is usually pretty stressed by the time I get back). But I want to have fun times as a family with enthusiasm and involvement from him. And the kids like spending time as a family. But it’s just like dragging along a sulky teenager who would rather just be left alone

I think he would rather I was out of the house and then he can just meet basic care needs without me ‘nagging’ about actually engaging with them

Have you told him that?
Those words?

It sounds like nothing is going to change OP. I'm confused about how close your children can really be to someone who never plays with them or takes them out to do fun activities and is really present. What level of day to day contact do they actually have?

Not having any emotional connection from your husband is a good enough reason to split.

So he's like a babysitter? Does the basics but doesn't express affection and is on his phone as much as possible?

They do have a high level of day to day contact, especially since COVID as he’s here when they get home from school everyday (albeit working most of the time). I will often take one of them out somewhere to do something while the other stays at home with him (often the one with sen will stay at home because he wants to watch tv or play with toys rather than go to a cafe/meet up with friends).

I wonder myself if I see the situation differently than other people would because the kids do love him to bits so surely he can’t be that disengaged.

Yep I guess he is a bit like a babysitter but the kids certainly don’t see him like that. Like I said though, they will always come to me for anything or to ask me stuff because they know I am present and will engage with them unlike DP who will likely not hear them because his head is somewhere else