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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Give me the honest truth

87 replies

CallHimMrRaider · 21/08/2021 23:52

Been with DP 13 years and have two dc aged 7 and 9, one with sen. I’ve always known DP is on the spectrum and made allowances because I’m not the easiest person to live with either but I feel like I’ve reached my limit and the tension in our house is awful.

I’m just sick of feeling like his head is in the clouds thinking about anything other than our family. If he’s not in his phone he’s on his laptop or he’s pootling about in the garage. He thinks being at home makes him ‘present’ and engaging with any of us doesn’t seem to Cross his mind. As a result I am responsible for everything within the house as it just doesn’t occur to him/cross his mind to organise food, activities, ideas etc and the kids just deviate to me the whole time as he’s in his own little world.

We’ve had this discussion a million times and I’m so frustrated with trying to get him to connect with us all and have a day with each other that doesn’t involve him on his phone or just somewhere else in his head entirely. It’s like he doesn’t need to connect with anyone at all and it makes for such a lonely place for me. I feel at the end of my tether with it all.

The difficulty is that he’s not a bad bloke and will do anything he’s asked, but I constantly feel like I’m parenting 3 kids not two. I feel so resentful that he doesn’t play or particularly communicate with the kids, especially the one with sen who would get so much from him interacting with them and engaging with them, showing them things and spending quality time with them.

I know this is partly down to who he is as a person - he’s quiet and pretty unaware and I knew this when I got with him. I just feel so trapped now with someone who isn’t bad at all but just doesn’t bring anything to the table.I have to literally organise and put everything in place for the kids to do anything because he just leaves it all to me. Asking him to step up just seems to fall on deaf ears and he’s clearly not going to change now as we’ve been close to breaking up I’ve this a few times now and he says he’ll try harder but always just reverts to his own little world.

Am I just a high maintenance person would should be happy that I have an honest guy who loves his kids and me, but is just is a bit useless?
Kids would be devastated if we split, they completely adore him and are v sensitive type of kids who wouldn’t adjust easily. I keep thinking how we could do it amicably but My MIL is a nightmare who would blame me for everything and turn it all nasty but that’s a separate thread and a separate grudge from me about how he can never stand up to her.

Splitting the whole family would cause so much devastation but I don’t know how long I can happily trundle along with someone that I’ve lost respect for because he doesn’t seem as committed to me as making our family time fun and rewarding. If it was up to him the kids would watch TV all day.I feel so so resentful literally all the time.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lorw · 22/08/2021 00:39

As you say OP, he’s most likely on the spectrum, unfortunately I don’t think you’re ever going to change him and why would you want to? Because that’s who he is, and if he is on the spectrum he can’t help it.

He’s always been like that by your own admission, you chose to have children together and he’s still the same, I don’t think you should stay if you’re not happy, that’s no good for anyone but maybe you need to find ways he can connect as a ND person because it won’t be the same as someone who is NT? Just a thought.

Original poster
CallHimMrRaider · 22/08/2021 00:43

Yes Lowr that makes sense. I don’t think I will ever feel fulfilled by his ways of connecting though, I think I will always feel trapped and disconnected. Which I know is a good reason to leave.

But is it reasonable to assume he can’t engage with the kids and offer fun/chat/companionship and ideas because he’s in the spectrum and that should just be accepted? Surely other people on the spectrum organise fun activities with their kids and play/chat with them to aid their development and build strong attachments? It feels a bit like letting him off the hook to say it’s the ASD that prevents this

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 22/08/2021 00:44

I wonder how the kids see him and how much of your perception of their relationship is based on your fantasy? I guess there is no way of knowing. I do know the pain of being lonely beside your mate though. There is more to life than this.

PrincessFiorimonde · 22/08/2021 00:46

Would he go to counselling with you, OP? I'm just wondering if that might make him realise how strongly you feel about this - and try to change his behaviour accordingly?

Best of luck Flowers

Original poster
CallHimMrRaider · 22/08/2021 00:47

It feels like I have to choose either my own happiness or the kids happiness

OP posts:
Original poster
CallHimMrRaider · 22/08/2021 00:49

I have thought about that Princess. Not sure if he’s capable of changing it really, or if my resentment is too much to overcome now. Definitely worth thinking about though

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 22/08/2021 00:56

Do you have life insurance? wills? - my DF did these things because they were the things you were supposed to do if you are an adult, they were the rules you followed - pretty sure he had Aspergers.

If he is the sort of person to have made proper provision for the worst, then it follows that he should learn how to parent and run life in general in case something awful happens to you. Do you think this approach might work?

Original poster
CallHimMrRaider · 22/08/2021 01:00

It’s an interesting thought Pussycat but I don’t think it would work as he has a good grip of basic parenting and he knows this. He knows he would be ok (and his mum, who also parents with very little affection or interest in the kids, would help him out too). It’s all the other stuff that he just doesn’t get like emotional warmth, stimulation, guidance etc

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 22/08/2021 01:00

The thing is that even if he can learn social rules and routines and put things in place re parenting such as I will turn off my phone between 6 and 8pm to focus on the children, the children will surely be able to see if he doesn't express, contain or validate their emotions (because he can't)?

I suppose what I'm trying to say OP is that perhaps the children don't get much from living with him that they can't get from him living in a separate house and having contact.

Original poster
CallHimMrRaider · 22/08/2021 01:04

I agree W, they definitely don’t get that much from him that they wouldn’t get from contact. And I know they would adapt and get over it. I guess it’s purely my issue in a way - I don’t think I could handle how devastated they would be to start with and what a failure I would feel. I have a lot of issues from childhood around divorce that I should probably get some help for. The guilt of it would push me over the edge I think

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 22/08/2021 01:06

Bless you none of this is easy or black and white. How about you get some counselling for yourself to have support and an opportunity to think it all through?

WTF475878237NC · 22/08/2021 01:06

Baby is stirring.... goodnight

Original poster
CallHimMrRaider · 22/08/2021 01:13

Yes have been looking in to some counselling for myself. Goodnight, and thanks for your kind words x

OP posts:
chocolateorangeinhaler · 22/08/2021 07:23

So you have a sen child, said he is probably on the spectrum, he's accepted he is too. You need a diagnosis, he might not be. But if he is, you constantly asking him to engage is a bit like screaming at a blind person for not being able to see. Or doing the can can in front of a paralyzed person and saying they are being lazy and if they would only try they could do exactly what you can.
Your DH can't. He's not neurotypical. He can mimic what you want him to do but that's it. Do you think he is calculatingly acting like this year on year just to annoy you? He won't ever change - he can't. His brain is just wired differently. Try understanding how frustrating it must be to not be 'normal' and have the threat of your family being ripped apart if you can't 'act' normal. The anxiety over that axe over his head would make his behavior worse not better.
Get him a diagnosis first. Then go from there. All you need to do is call the GP to start the ball rolling.

DrSbaitso · 22/08/2021 07:31

I don't think I could cope with this.

Relationships don't have to end because one person is "bad". They can end because one person is unhappy or two people are incompatible.

Is there a reason you haven't married?

Original poster
CallHimMrRaider · 22/08/2021 07:35

Thanks chocolate, that makes a lot of sense. I will look in to the diagnosis but not sure how much it will help as even if he does get a diagnosis, it’s not like he can change. I feel so sad for the kids that they will always have a parent who’s not really interested and worried about how this will affect them long term, especially dd.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 22/08/2021 07:37

Try understanding how frustrating it must be to not be 'normal' and have the threat of your family being ripped apart if you can't 'act' normal.

You can be sympathetic to this, but it doesn't oblige you to spend your one and only life miserable with this person.

Jobsharenightmare · 22/08/2021 07:44

Don't waste time with a diagnosis, which he may not want to pursue anyway. You know all you need to. Your needs are not being met in this relationship and never will be. If he could change, he would have by now. After all, you have spoken about the same issues repeatedly.

Your kids will be fine and will thrive over the next ten years with a happier mum. They get all of their nurturing and affection from you anyway. What they get from your husband won't change wherever he lives.

FilthyforFirth · 22/08/2021 07:56

Did he want kids? Did you have talks beforehand about how you would parent etc?

Angryfrommanchester1 · 22/08/2021 08:19

Try understanding how frustrating it must be to not be 'normal' and have the threat of your family being ripped apart if you can't 'act' normal.

This statement is putting an enormous amount of guilt on the OP. Even if the DP is incapable of being engaged due to his ASD it’s still ok that she wants to end the relationship. She’s had enough.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 22/08/2021 08:39

It's not guilt it's honest. Sorry if that honest doesn't sit comfortably with you.

Original poster
CallHimMrRaider · 22/08/2021 08:59

So he’s done what he usually does this morning after me telling him (for the umpteenth time) how unhappy I am: he’s got up at a decent time, talked to the kids more and mainly stayed off his phone, suggested we go to the local cafe for breakfast and just generally been more engaged with us all. Hasn’t turned the radio on to drown out the kids like he usually does. This lasts for a maximum of a week before he reverts back again. It pisses me off because it shows me that he CAN do it, it’s just effort that he can’t be arsed to make most of the time

OP posts:
Wishihadanalgorithm · 22/08/2021 08:59

I would leave. It sounds hard and so draining living like this. OP, you have had the talks and he either can’t or won’t change. It doesn’t matter which, as the outcome is the same.

The children will adapt and be fine.

You don’t need to support him through getting a diagnosis either; he is an adult and can pursue this by himself is he has a mind to do so. Focus on what is best for you and the kids - your happiness matters too.

Original poster
CallHimMrRaider · 22/08/2021 09:02

Thank you Wish, I’m starting to come around to the idea that the children will be ok long term. I need to grow a pair now really. I can hear him downstairs chatting away with them and just feel sad that he can be a good dad, he just can’t be arsed.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 22/08/2021 09:10

@chocolateorangeinhaler

It's not guilt it's honest. Sorry if that honest doesn't sit comfortably with you.
Nah, it's just guilt. Two pieces of proof: one, that OP has just reported that he can do it when he chooses to, and two, the fact that it's utterly irrelevant and no reason for OP to spend her life with someone who makes her unhappy.