Give me the honest truth

[CallHimMrRaider]

Been with DP 13 years and have two dc aged 7 and 9, one with sen. I’ve always known DP is on the spectrum and made allowances because I’m not the easiest person to live with either but I feel like I’ve reached my limit and the tension in our house is awful.

I’m just sick of feeling like his head is in the clouds thinking about anything other than our family. If he’s not in his phone he’s on his laptop or he’s pootling about in the garage. He thinks being at home makes him ‘present’ and engaging with any of us doesn’t seem to Cross his mind. As a result I am responsible for everything within the house as it just doesn’t occur to him/cross his mind to organise food, activities, ideas etc and the kids just deviate to me the whole time as he’s in his own little world.

We’ve had this discussion a million times and I’m so frustrated with trying to get him to connect with us all and have a day with each other that doesn’t involve him on his phone or just somewhere else in his head entirely. It’s like he doesn’t need to connect with anyone at all and it makes for such a lonely place for me. I feel at the end of my tether with it all.

The difficulty is that he’s not a bad bloke and will do anything he’s asked, but I constantly feel like I’m parenting 3 kids not two. I feel so resentful that he doesn’t play or particularly communicate with the kids, especially the one with sen who would get so much from him interacting with them and engaging with them, showing them things and spending quality time with them.

I know this is partly down to who he is as a person - he’s quiet and pretty unaware and I knew this when I got with him. I just feel so trapped now with someone who isn’t bad at all but just doesn’t bring anything to the table.I have to literally organise and put everything in place for the kids to do anything because he just leaves it all to me. Asking him to step up just seems to fall on deaf ears and he’s clearly not going to change now as we’ve been close to breaking up I’ve this a few times now and he says he’ll try harder but always just reverts to his own little world.

Am I just a high maintenance person would should be happy that I have an honest guy who loves his kids and me, but is just is a bit useless?
Kids would be devastated if we split, they completely adore him and are v sensitive type of kids who wouldn’t adjust easily. I keep thinking how we could do it amicably but My MIL is a nightmare who would blame me for everything and turn it all nasty but that’s a separate thread and a separate grudge from me about how he can never stand up to her.

Splitting the whole family would cause so much devastation but I don’t know how long I can happily trundle along with someone that I’ve lost respect for because he doesn’t seem as committed to me as making our family time fun and rewarding. If it was up to him the kids would watch TV all day.I feel so so resentful literally all the time.

AIBU?

@GreatestShowman

Wouldn't see much benefit in a living arrangement that required them to be so enervatingly dishonest all the time, either

They can't win can they?

If they are themselves then they're a bad husband / father, yet if they mask in order to meet societal expectations and make their partner happy then they're dishonest and still not good enough.

Why don't we just condemn people on the spectrum to a life of loneliness and solitude, after all that's what they want isn't it?

People who are unhappy in their relationships and wish to end them (as OP may or may not wish to do) should be able to do so without being subjected to this kind of guilt trip about it.

Sounds as though it would make the other person happy too, if participating in family life is, as I said, so enervatingly dishonest for them.

OP may decide to stay, but she's not obliged to do it lest she be accused of "condemning people on the spectrum to a life of loneliness and solitude". Shove the guilt trip. She's miserable and resentful and so, apparently, is he if he has to take an equal part in family life. What's the point? Whose interests are being served? And at what cost?

OP may decide to stay, but she's not obliged to do it lest she be accused of "condemning people on the spectrum to a life of loneliness and solitude". Shove the guilt trip. She's miserable and resentful and so, apparently, is he if he has to take an equal part in family life. What's the point? Whose interests are being served? And at what cost?

I'm not suggesting the OP should stay if the relationship is making her unhappy, as I said in my previous posts. It's her decision.

What I can't stand is the general attitude and intolerance toward people on the spectrum, by other posters, and how in most cases the first advice offered is to LTB rather than work to fix what's wrong with the relationship, as if those with developmental disabilities are lost causes or not worth the effort.

@GreatestShowman

OP may decide to stay, but she's not obliged to do it lest she be accused of "condemning people on the spectrum to a life of loneliness and solitude". Shove the guilt trip. She's miserable and resentful and so, apparently, is he if he has to take an equal part in family life. What's the point? Whose interests are being served? And at what cost?

I'm not suggesting the OP should stay if the relationship is making her unhappy, as I said in my previous posts. It's her decision.

What I can't stand is the general attitude and intolerance toward people on the spectrum, by other posters, and how in most cases the first advice offered is to LTB rather than work to fix what's wrong with the relationship, as if those with developmental disabilities are lost causes or not worth the effort.

And it's always women who are told to do the fixing. And to continue even when they've made it clear that, for them, no, it isn't worth the effort because they've been unhappy and nor their best selves for years.

Your post was an ode to how, for this guy, engaging with his family is fake and against his nature. That for him, it is "acting a part" and "pretending all the time". That may be true, and it may not be his fault, and it may not make him a bad person, but jeez, it's a miserable existence for the woman on the other side, isn't it? I couldn't do it and I wouldn't judge anyone else who couldn't. What if, for her and her one and only life, it actually isn't worth it?

Some people may be willing to work at it but what if they've tried and are still miserable, or they've just had enough and don't want to? Hit them with the "You're condemning them to loneliness" guilt stick as if OP hasn't been lonely and unhappy enough herself?

Who wants to be in a relationship held together by guilt anyway? Is that going to work out well?

OP, if you get help and it works and saves your relationship, of course that's wonderful. But if it doesn't work, or you're worn out by it now, you are not a terrible person condemning other people to misery if you choose to end a relationship that is only making you, and by extension everyone else, unhappy. Of all the reasons to stay together, guilt is the worst.

He sounds typical for somebody on a spectrum.look at all the positive sides.I bet,there is never a drama coming from his side,never any nasty gossipping about other people,never complaining always doing what is ask for.you look at people not on a spectrum and you will get most likely a bloke who will at some point have an affair, ot necessarly envolved with kids either,lazy,argumentative.Nothing is ever perfect in life.

Just a thought - does your DP like trains? I spent many happy times with my DF going to railway museums and live steam events. Maybe DH might arrange things himself for something to do with his interests?

People like my DF often have something that they are very interested in, know a huge amount about their interest, and can talk endlessly about it. So if not trains, is there something else?

BTW I also like trains

You say the kids would be devastated if you split…don’t you think they’d be devastated if they found out their mother was trapped in a sham marriage, unloved and miserable just because she was too afraid of hurting them to break away from their useless father?

You have one life and it’s way too short to spend with someone as selfish and uncaring as your other half.

You’ve said the word resentment, this means it’s over.
You either continue to live this life for the kids, or make a break for you.

My relationship is sort of similar, been together 14 years with an 8 year old DS. I've wondered about ASD for my DH but I didn't think it quite fit. Like yours, he's an honest guy who will do things that are asked of him. It's been a real learning curve over the years trying to figure him out as I felt there was something but couldn't put my finger on it. I then started to realise that he's someone who isn't that interested in having a conversation just for the sake of having a conversation. Whereas I can talk and talk, but only to those I'm close to.

Things got better when we moved back to my hometown and I now have my family around me. DH can't meet all my needs and I've accepted that. I'm a shy person so I was relying a lot on DH as I don't have a lot of friends. It's not that DH won't have any conversation, he's just not the type to sit down of an evening and put the world to rights. He'd rather be doing a hobby. We talk here and there throughout the day as he works from home and I'm not working. He's better if we are doing an activity together and I talk his ear off during it!

Parenthood hasn't come naturally to either of us, it's been really difficult. I've found that if I want us to do a family thing, it's better to be a regularly scheduled activity. So we do 'Race Night' on Friday and Saturday evenings where we have my Mum over and all watch an episode of The Amazing Race with snacks. On Sunday we have Family Board Game Night. Each day one of us does the bath and settle routine, I do it one day and he does it the next day. Sometimes I have to remind him it's his day. 'Settle' for DH's night usually consists of a card game with DS. He's taught DS lots of card games, which has been one of their main bonding activities. DS has been teaching his Gran how to play them now. Two days a week one of us stays in the bathroom when DS has his bath to have chat time. This will need to change at some point when DS no longer wants us in. But it gives DS time to connect with DH with no distractions. We also do one family activity during the Saturday or Sunday, usually a walk or cafe visit or a drive somewhere. This has all been a slow build up of activities over the last few years. Regularly scheduled is key for us to work as a family. Things won't just happen fluidly like they might in other families for us.

What does your partner enjoy? Is he a gamer? Card games? Jigsaws? Models? Walks? Phone game they can both play? When I realised DH knew how to play Chess I thought that would be great for DS and they have played a few times, I've no idea how to play. He's good at teaching strategy, something I'm awful at.

What do you like about your DH? Are you attracted to him? Does he have any strengths? Mines a lot more patient and better at explaining things and how things work.

I have to tell DH exactly what needs to change and why and how we are going to do it. He needs things set out and a plan to work to. Then we figure it out. Just telling him 'things need to change' never worked with mine. A clear, concise, practical plan of action goes much better.

@CallHimMrRaider

Thank you all so much for your replies. There is so much food for thought here. We are currently out at the café and he is playing super dad so will read all the replies properly after and respond.

The thing is he doesn't need to be superdad, just more engaged than he is.

Doing something sustainable is what you want.

Before you decide could you suggest a couple of thibgs that he does on a weekly basis with the children to engage better.

But from what you have written I think you are done.

Possibly a silly suggestion and apologies if so but… do you think some phone reminders might help him? Something that pops up every morning on his phone and says “think about an activity for DC for this afternoon and check laundry” or something that pops up every Wednesday that says “talk to OP about booking something for the weekend” or even something every half hour that says “chat to kids” ?!!! Bit like those screen time apps that remind you to have a break and a stretch.

None of the chats will work op.

You need visual aids like an adult now and next.

If you think he has autism then he doesn't have the ability to pluck fun ideas out of thin air the way NT people can. Creativity like that is difficult, especially with no structure around it. He will need to have a quick look online for a task that he can do start to finish with the kids.