Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad put baby to sleep

109 replies

PlanetTeaTime · 21/08/2021 20:32

Since DD was born 6 months ago, I have nursed her to sleep every single night and for most of her naps (sometimes I can get her to sleep in the car or a sling). She is now teething and has bitten me several times this evening.

After over two hours and several bites, I've told my partner no more, he will have to try to get her to sleep tonight.

He says he can't and he's tried before and he can't do it. He's never tried rocking her longer than 15 minutes before handing her back to me.

Am I being unreasonable to ask him to take over?

OP posts:
Original poster
PlanetTeaTime · 22/08/2021 07:08

Hi everyone, thank you for all your responses I actually really appreciate it. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.

Just for clarity, when I say rocking I meant in our super comfortable rocking chair with accompanying footstool which never gets used, so it really isn't a lot of effort for him to rock her to sleep.

After writing this, I went downstairs, ate some chocolate buttons and returned 20 minutes later to take her back. At the end of the day she doesn't understand and she was getting upset.

You're all right we need to come up with something together and then he actually needs to give it a decent go not moan that it's not working after 15 minutes 🙄

I really do wish this baby had come with a manual because I do sometimes feel like I'm doing everything wrong.

Thanks again

OP posts:
HurryUpAndWait23 · 22/08/2021 07:27

OP ive been there. I'm still there!

I work shifts and wouldn't get home until nearly 9pm, my husband would have spent the last 2 hours trying to get my breastfed baby to sleep (usually fast asleep by 7pm) this would happen 3-4 nights a week.

Not once did he manage to get him to sleep and he was really consistent and did all the right things.

It isn't always that simply unfortunately.

Crowsaregreat · 22/08/2021 07:45

What happens when she wakes in the night? Do you always feed to sleep then as well?
If I were you, if look at a night routine that either parent could do, with a final feed that's not in the bedroom.
Biting can be awful and I understand why you want to get away from it, but storming off is not the right thing either!

EffYouSeeKaye · 22/08/2021 08:01

I can promise you that you are not getting everything wrong and that you will crack this issue, same as you have already with countless others no doubt, and you will continue to do so with the next problem to come along…

The main thing is that you team up on this now. It’s a great time because weaning will be getting more underway and it won’t be all on you to give feeds. Honestly you have done amazingly to get to 6 months of bfing. Sleep and settling babies is tough. Everyone has their own ways and ideas and everyone gets there in the end. You do what suits the three of you best.

Keep going with those chocolate buttons too Wink

Beamur · 22/08/2021 08:14

You're doing fine! Although that manual would be helpful..
All babies are different and as long as you're meeting their needs that's what they want. They can't talk so crying is their only way to tell you to keep trying!
I remember being astonished by my friend taking her baby upstairs for a nap, I expected her to be gone 20+ minutes (as I would have been) and she came straight back down! She had the miracle child that literally just went to sleep with zero fuss. Mine was not like that! Some babies are good sleepers, some feed easily, some are always needy and some are very chilled..

tinierclanger · 22/08/2021 08:19

Hi OP. With my baby around this age, who I had always fed to sleep, I started by slipping her off the breast just before she nodded off, just as I could see her starting to go, so she got the experience of falling asleep without the nipple in.

After a few nights of doing that, we swapped and my husband would then take her after a feed but while she was still awake and rock her to sleep, for every night settle. Once she got used to falling asleep in his arms after a few nights, we transitioned to rocking, putting down while sleepy and then stroking her while she went to sleep. She would cry a little but never for long and we never left her alone to cry. We then gradually weaned off the stroking and just sat in the room with her. Then did gradual retreat to the door. Eventually could just put her down and leave her. It was hard work but did work, after about 3 weeks at a gradual pace.

(Just to say, with both my babies I did start out by putting them down in drowsy but awake for the mythical self settle but it never worked)

tinierclanger · 22/08/2021 08:24

Also, sometimes standing and rocking works faster than sitting - if your partner can face it, he could try that..,

Straighttalking1 · 22/08/2021 09:01

Not at all....Yanbu..My DP used to snuggle ds every evening whilst walking round the kitchen every night until he fell asleep. He did that for 2yrs or until the boy got too heavy.

HappyDays40 · 22/08/2021 10:11

I had weeks of sleepless nights when I was on leave and just had enough. The sleep deprivation sent me crackers and I handed my son to my husband told him to get on with it and went and slept in the car. I just couldn't stand the noise anymore. I slept so well and it made my husband have to cope and find his own way with our son.

Tigger1895 · 22/08/2021 18:00

Have you thought about expressing for the last feed. That why you introduce a bottle feed that can be done by either of you.

Frazzledstar1 · 22/08/2021 18:11

He should be able to help sounds like he just cba, my DP hates bedtime too!

You may want to consider trying to get out of the habit of nursing or rocking baby to sleep though. Will make it easier for both of you in the long run

pteradactyl · 22/08/2021 18:15

No you weren't unreasonable to ask him to take over. Possibly he would have had no luck at all, but after 2 hours and several bites, with you feeling frustrated and upset, absolutely the right thing to pass dd to your partner and regroup away from her for a little while.

I don't bf but when I can't bear another second of listening to crying/whinging etc I pass the buck to DF and then once I've had a few minutes to kyself, if he's having no luck I can go and try and help or if he seems to have a handle on it I leave him to it

I appreciate what others are saying that expecting him to be able to get her to sleep may have been unlikely given she is bf to sleep almost every sleep time, but asking him to step in before you lose your mind is the right thing to do

1forAll74 · 22/08/2021 18:25

I would never have asked my now late Husband to get our babies to sleep. It was my domain at all times.

godmum56 · 22/08/2021 18:46

anybody else go [ :O] when they read the title of this thread?

godmum56 · 22/08/2021 18:46

I means Shock

Mumontour85 · 22/08/2021 18:48

WTF are these comments??! My boy is 21 months, still breastfeeds in the mornings and occasionally for naps, but my partner took over bedtimes about two months ago when I needed a break after doing it wvery single night to that point - YES it was hard and it took some vetting used to for little one, but really, it took a few days maximum for it to start working. We went totally cold turkey as bubba has never liked bottles, it took lots of books and cuddling and effort, but we got there.
15 minutes ONE TIME is not a long bloody time and it is not a good enough try!! It could sometimes take me 2 hrs for bubba to unlatch! But snuggling for quarter of an hour is too much? Jokes. My partner will sometimes end up in the toddler bed with our monkey, then he crawls out. Whatever works. But your partner needs to be the one to find his own way to do it without you doing the work.

Astounded by the comments giving you a hard time tbh!

MadamePompom · 22/08/2021 18:49

I have twin ds. I expressed breast milk so that he could feed them. It also meant he could be an equal partner in caring for them. Perhaps this could be an option.

hartwood · 22/08/2021 18:56

Yeah on a comfortable rocking chair, assuming she's not screaming at him he can crack on. With my DS1 we used to rock him to sleep on the sofa whilst sat down watching tv so it was no bother really.

cherish123 · 22/08/2021 19:11

YANBU

ERFFER · 22/08/2021 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pollymere · 22/08/2021 19:38

I would personally be laying them down after a cuddle or feed and letting them get themselves to sleep at this stage. Maybe let Dad give a bottle or cup because milk is part of the bedtime routine still. They will wail/cry because they're used to you being there but leave them for fifteen minutes unless they're crying they're heart out.

Cherryberrybonbon · 22/08/2021 19:43

He’s been lazy and letting you do it all because you will! Been there xx

Flatwhitetostayin · 22/08/2021 19:45

You are an amazing mum.

Best thing you can do, is leave the house and leave your husband to it. It will be too distressing or easy to step in.

I can totally understand his reluctance because a crying baby is really fucking scary. But you had to deal with it because you had to. And now it's his turn.

He needs to do it for him, and he needs to do it for his baby. It's the shitty hard stuff like this which creates the deep bond between parent and child. Not the easy stuff.

Big hugs. This is just a phase and it will get easier (and harder and then easier again until they are grown ups!)

FartleBarfle · 22/08/2021 19:50

We have been there. You are doing everything right, don't worry or be hard on yourself. Your partner needs to increase the time he spends trying, but 15 minutes at the moment is good enough start. My husband used to try for 15 and then I'd take over, then he increased to 20 and so on. Eventually he could do it, but not until we got to 45 mins. Once he knew how long it took him, and our baby got used to it, and he got more confident as a dad, this number started to come down again until it became a bedtime cue and almost immediate. This was over a period of months, and he was holding our baby trying too soothe. We didn't try putting him down to sooth until he was a little older and then had a similar thing where we tried for 15 mins and then went back to what worked.

By the time my son was about 18 months, he used to go to my husband at 1pm every day and climb onto his shoulder to go for a nap..he could nap for two hours on him! We loved it! Eventually started getting him into the cot but definitely enjoyed the daily cuddle he gave him.

Good luck and keep up the good work. Xx

Passthegin99 · 22/08/2021 20:58

You need to share putting the baby down but suggest you see a sleep consultant. They'll help you devise a plan to start teaching your baby to fall asleep by themselves. We saw one at 4 months and I swear it stopped us killing each other and/or ourselves.