Page 3 | Dad put baby to sleep

PlanetTeaTime · 2021-08-21T19:32:40+00:00

Since DD was born 6 months ago, I have nursed her to sleep every single night and for most of her naps (sometimes I can get her to sleep in the car or a sling). She is now teething and has bitten me several times this evening. After over two hours and several bites, I've told my partner no more, he will have to try to get her to sleep tonight. He says he can't and he's tried before and he can't do it. He's never tried rocking her longer than 15 minutes before handing her back to me. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to take over?

Name12341 · 21/08/2021 22:18

It's probably best to try on a night where DD is very settled rather than changing her routine of feeding to sleep on a night where she's teething and being fussy to get to sleep.
We found it easier for DP to start getting them to sleep for naps first, then moving onto bedtime once they were used to him rocking them for naps too as they were usually most tired and clingy before their night time sleep.
For the biting, keep your finger on your breast next to the corner of her mouth and if she bites push down on your breast and it will break her latch

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 21/08/2021 22:21

@LadyPeppermint

I’m a bit confused - why would you be rocking the baby for any minutes? Why not just put her straight down so she can settle herself?

If you’re doing this and it’s unrelated to BF, I’d try to break that habit pronto, otherwise you’re making a rod to break both of your backs.

Probably by tomorrow she could be in her own bed, packing her lunch box abd toddling off to work. After all you just pick them up and put them down in the manner of a tiny tears

Vallmo47 · 21/08/2021 22:28

I breastfed my daughter for 2 years and had zero help or input from her dad, because baby refused both bottles and dummies, and to be frank - him. It was all on me so I completely understand your frustration. If any of the above isn’t your situation, do by all means give it a go and see if changes can be made to suit you better. But you can’t just go cold turkey on a breastfed baby that has learned to nurse to sleep, it’s simply cruel. Your other half should absolutely be picking up the pieces in the daytime hours however and show his contribution in every other way.

Good luck, I know how incredibly hard it all is.

EffYouSeeKaye · 21/08/2021 22:30

@LadyPeppermint

Sorry - that wasn’t my intention, but I can see that now.

Fair enough. FWIW we rocked dc1 to sleep for months and I remember being told to just put baby down and let them settle. I still remember how utterly desperate that made me feel that not only were we struggling, but that we’d brought it on ourselves. There was just no way it was going to happen like that, for us. From this thread, I’m obviously not alone (How I wish I’d known that at the time!) and I guess you touched a nerve. Thanks for acknowledging it.

nanbread · 21/08/2021 22:35

Completely understand and have been where you are with the biting, but agree with pp that it's going to be very very hard for an exclusively bf baby to suddenly have a different parent and no boobs at bedtime.

He can certainly give it a go though, or at least have baby for half an hour while you decompress.

Equimum · 21/08/2021 22:36

Are you trying to stop bf completely, or just stop feeding to sleep. Our DS was a bit older, but we made a gradual transition with DH becoming more involved in the bedtime routine, and instead of feeding in the bedroom, I started doing the feed in the lounge, but stopping just before he fell asleep. DH then took DS and tried to settle him. I won't lie, it was tough for a few days, and DH did do a lot of patting and comforting DS for several nights. By night three or four, DS only put up a little fight, but started falling asleep quickly. After two weeks, I started doing some of the putting him down and it was trickier, but we soon got into the rhythm. To be clear, DS was never left to cry, although he was a little unsettled for the first few days. Overall, though, it was absolutely worth it, for both breaking the feed to sleep pattern, and for allowing DH to do some bedtimes.

BastardMonkfish · 21/08/2021 22:48

By 6 months the 'just put them down and they'll learn to settle' ship has sailed, you need to be doing that from a few weeks old.

It is hard OP, but I can see your DHs POV. He was never going to be able to get her to sleep. You need to have a talk tomorrow about the strategies you are going to use together to help your DD fall asleep without feeding to sleep.

Also if she's taking 2 hours to fall asleep sometimes it helps to try putting her to sleep a bit earlier. She might be overtired by the time you start bedtime routine and then you're buggered before you have even started.

amiwastingmytime · 21/08/2021 22:55

No no that’s not what I mean. For OP to leave the baby with father, when he physically does not have the same ability to settle the baby, after 6 months of the baby knowing no different, is not only unfair on the father, but very very unfair on the baby. Baby could be inconsolable as it knows no different. In this situation I think OP needs to start training her baby (with husband of course!) to teach and support the baby to fall asleep without boob. Going cold turkey is an option, but could be very traumatising for everyone. The babies needs here are most important. OP needs to work with her husband to help him and baby settle together. Had father been doing it all along, this would be a case of lazy father, but it’s not here, he just isn’t confident enough to see through a very upset baby to sleep.

SnazzyButtons · 21/08/2021 22:56

Mine managed to do it when I was dangerously tired because he had no choice on many occasions. He can do it, don’t let him get away with putting an half arsed effort into it.

emeraldcity2000 · 21/08/2021 22:57

It's tough op. My second was the same and I also snapped one night and made dh help, it took 2 hours but he got him to sleep eventually.

Agree with other posters that you probably need to agree a strategy (when you are both feeling calm) on how you want to change things and what you want to achieve. All parents and babies have different needs and only you will know what is right for you. You'll get a lot of fixed views on sleep training on Mumsnet - the reality is there is almost no good evidence in favour or against so you need to decide what is right for your family. Either way you'll need dh support.

Good luck xxxx

Branleuse · 21/08/2021 22:58

I think youre setting them up to fail if baby isnt used to a bottle

SarahAndQuack · 21/08/2021 23:06

@BastardMonkfish

By 6 months the 'just put them down and they'll learn to settle' ship has sailed, you need to be doing that from a few weeks old.

It is hard OP, but I can see your DHs POV. He was never going to be able to get her to sleep. You need to have a talk tomorrow about the strategies you are going to use together to help your DD fall asleep without feeding to sleep.

Also if she's taking 2 hours to fall asleep sometimes it helps to try putting her to sleep a bit earlier. She might be overtired by the time you start bedtime routine and then you're buggered before you have even started.

How do you know he wouldn't get her to sleep?

Surely, if it is taking the OP ages, the baby doesn't sleep easily, so I don't see how we can be so sure the OP taking two hours is perfectly fine, but her DP can't possibly manage if it takes upwards of 15 minutes.

SarahAndQuack · 21/08/2021 23:10

@amiwastingmytime

No no that’s not what I mean. For OP to leave the baby with father, when he physically does not have the same ability to settle the baby, after 6 months of the baby knowing no different, is not only unfair on the father, but very very unfair on the baby. Baby could be inconsolable as it knows no different. In this situation I think OP needs to start training her baby (with husband of course!) to teach and support the baby to fall asleep without boob. Going cold turkey is an option, but could be very traumatising for everyone. The babies needs here are most important. OP needs to work with her husband to help him and baby settle together. Had father been doing it all along, this would be a case of lazy father, but it’s not here, he just isn’t confident enough to see through a very upset baby to sleep.

Do we know for certain the baby would be upset, though? I may have missed it but I didn't think the OP said that.

miltonj · 21/08/2021 23:14

I feed to sleep most nights and always have done. But both my mum and my husband have put her to bed with a bottle no issue. In fact it's much easier and quicker for them, as she just has the bottle, goes to sleep and then gets put down. Whereas with the breast, there is no stopping point so she wants to stay attached for a long time. Don't let him get out of this!

Positivelyrandom · 21/08/2021 23:14

He. Must. Try. Harder.

Anyusernameleft · 21/08/2021 23:18

No...you need to go out & leave him to it without having you there to hand baby off. Arrange something for a couole of hours with your friends for near bedtime & beyond & turn your ph off...

MrsJuliaGulia · 21/08/2021 23:23

Why did you start nursing her to sleep every night?
You’ve created a rod for your own back there.
I don’t think your husband is unreasonable. If the baby is used to being nursed to sleep, she’s not going to want to change that habit.

EffYouSeeKaye · 21/08/2021 23:26

@MrsJuliaGulia

Why did you start nursing her to sleep every night? You’ve created a rod for your own back there. I don’t think your husband is unreasonable. If the baby is used to being nursed to sleep, she’s not going to want to change that habit.

Helpful 👍

SarahAndQuack · 21/08/2021 23:28

@MrsJuliaGulia

Why did you start nursing her to sleep every night? You’ve created a rod for your own back there. I don’t think your husband is unreasonable. If the baby is used to being nursed to sleep, she’s not going to want to change that habit.

That's nonsense.

MyMabel · 21/08/2021 23:37

My DP was like this for a while as DD would only settle on me; I ended up annoyed that he wasn’t putting the effort in but then we talked and he felt like it just wouldn’t happen, that he would be distressing DD leaving her crying for so long and generally felt a bit unwanted by her which hurt. Once I thought about it I guess I understand why they give up so easy. Of course they’ve got less patience than us, but patience grows and I found getting angry and fighting/arguing about it never made it any better anyway.

We worked together, we started by DP holding her while I sat with them and spoke/stroked DD’s head/cheeks so she knew I was there but wasn’t on me as such, gradually contact became less and although she did still cry sometimes eventually DP was able to get her down within a reasonable time frame and without stressing.

Babies are really hard work and everyone needs help, be it the person who does the most now or the person who needs help learning how to do more.

Congratulations on the baby!

TooManyDinosaurs1 · 21/08/2021 23:59

I'm also breastfeeding a (about to turn) 6 month old. I do the same always feed to sleep. He has also started to bite a little, just like his brother and sister did. You don't need to be dramatic and say I'm done. Simply take them off your boob as soon as they bite. They soon realise that biting = no boob. I had the same phase with them all. The 6 month old hasn't done it for a day or 2 after biting at the end of every feed for a few days, I'm hoping it'll pass.

As for your husband trying for 15 min, that is quite a long period to try to settle a baby, I'd be passing the baby back after 15 min too. You can't do the same thing for 6 months then decide one day "no more" your baby won't just suddenly accept that someone else is going to settle them without feeding. If I was you I'd power through the biting, but let your baby associate removing them from your boob on biting, unless you want your husband to put the baby to bed of course, in which case how about expressing some milk and getting him to do that last feed?

callmeadoctor · 22/08/2021 00:02

Is the baby his? (clearly he doesn't think so...............................) He needs to step up.

TheNinny · 22/08/2021 00:09

Yanbu. My DD would only fall asleep with me at first but eventually DH was able to do it. Sometimes he’d try for an hour + with no luck but it still gave me a chance for a break. Once I stopped breast feeding at 6 months it became a lot easier and now she goes to sleep at nap time faster for him (I stil rock/sway her for naps at 22 months…🙈) as he can shoogle her more firmly than I can. Practice makes perfect

ExpulsoCorona · 22/08/2021 00:17

If you don’t give them a chance then they’ll never learn.

This comment made me laugh so much. If it were true I'd still be rocking my 13 year old now but funnily enough she can self-settle now and has been able to do so since she was 20 months of age.

OP - Yes he should help and 15 minutes isn't very long. If you are able to, try and go out at bedtime and leave him to it for a bit longer. You'll all get there eventually, I agree with the others who say it is possible for you to feed to sleep and your husband to rock (or any other method you choose as a family). When I went back to work, I was still feeding to sleep. My husband would rock. My mum would rock. My mother in law would pat. Totally possible.

TheNinny · 22/08/2021 00:18

Meant to say at night it’s an even split as DD self settles in cot so we can just bung her inch and run lol. I fed to sleep for the first 6 months as well and then bottle fed to sleep after. She took bottle better from me at first but He was able to do this on nights I couldn’t - illness etc, tiredness, etc. Shen then started taking bottle from him just as easy. She’s a wee guzzler so in the end wasn’t fussed as long ascshe got the goods heh