To not want my mother to stay in my house when I’m on holiday

[LovelyBranches]

This summer we took on a kitten from a friends unexpected litter. Before we had the kitten we knew we had a UK holiday booked and so I asked my mother if she would look after the kitten at my mother’s house to allow us to go away. This was about 7 weeks ago and before we said yes to having the kitten. It was all agreed and we had our kitten three weeks ago.

We now leave on Friday and my mother is demanding that she lives in our house for the week and because I’ve said no, my mother is being so nasty with me. For background, my mother is a difficult character, she’s moody, angry and very possessive of me and my children. She lives 20 minutes away and is in my house all the time and she get’s annoyed if I don’t see her a couple of times a week. I have tried to put in boundaries many times and they are often walked all over. On the flip side, my mother can also be very lonely because she’s a widow, and she can be lovely with my children. She get’s really annoyed if we visit my parents in law or if they look after my children and she often thinks of herself as the second parent-over my husband.

My mother has already decided that she’s going to sleep in my 4 year olds bed and that she will live in my house and clean it for me whilst I’m away. My house is already clean, even though she often makes me feel like it’s the equivalent of a crack den (I had a cleaner once and my mother followed her around telling her all the spots she missed and hiding my Hoover on a weekly basis so that she wouldn’t use mine, eventually and understandably she quit).

I don’t want my mother staying, I feel uncomfortable with it but it’s making her really angry that I don’t want her to live in my house and it’s causing so many arguments.

I have said that I would ask a friend to look after the kitten for us but she’s decided that was an absolutely stupid idea. In reality, I know that if I were to ask a friend then she would hit the roof.

AIBU to not want my mother to stay at my house?

Can you not get the friend who's kitten it was to look after it. You also need to set some boundaries with your mother. Asking her for a favour was never going to end well if she is like that.

I could, but I feel really late in asking now because we’re going on Friday and I don’t want to confuse or upset the kitten by taking it back to its mother and then taking her away again.

Also it would mean my mother would be absolutely unbearable with me, I have suggested that I ask a friend and she just shouted at me not to be so bloody ridiculous and hung up on me. I feel like the kitten is yet another thing she’s using to control me.

If she doesn't have cats herself, she may well not want a kitten in her house, scratching at things and potentially peeing on things, especially if it's distressed by the move to different surroundings. Is the kitten too young to go to a cattery?

I’ve said YABU because your description of your mother suggests you can’t trust her.

People like her need to be kept at arms length and never asked for anything as they always find a way to fuck up your plans.

To be honest it would be easier if she looks after the kitten at yours
It will be more settled in its own home

Bloody hell , stop letting your mother dictate what you can do . Her getting in a strop is her choice , it may give you the chance to put some boundaries i place

YANBU for not being comfy about this..

However you have asked for a favour and it does in fact make far more sense to have the kitten stay in its own home with someone there with it, rather than move a kitten to effectively a new home, where it will be stressed out, litter training will almost certainly regress, the chance of escape is much higher...

I think you are going to have to suck this up im afraid, but I can absolutely understand why you aren't happy about it.

If you don't want your mother to trample your boundaries then don't give her access to your house. You'll need someone else to look after the kitten

I think it’s fairer to the kitten to stay in its own house with your Mum looking after it there - I would just ignore the batshit stuff about your Mum.

I wouldn’t trust somebody as unstable as your mother sounds with a kitten or in my house.

Does your mother have keys to your house?

If so before I go I would be changing the locks, asking the friend to look after the kitten, advise your mum your friend is doing this, and enjoy your holiday

When you get back reset expectations with your mother and if she doesn’t conform then walk away until she is prepared ton

I do understand the comments about the kitten being more settled in our house. So far she’s been absolutely amazing, she’s young so obviously still biting a bit and she hasn’t learnt when to retract her claws but she’s been wonderful with our 6 year old and 4 year old and she’s been unbelievably clean.

I wish I was the kind of person who felt totally ok about my mother staying but over the years things have been so difficult with my mother I’ve put boundaries in to make me feel a bit more in control of my own life.

She does have keys and she’s in my house all the time. During the pandemic she couldn’t visit as much as it had a massive effect on her, and now my husband and I have been working from home she turns up in the middle of the working day and sits herself down at the dining room table where my husband works or just potters about. I’m generally ok with this because I know she’s lonely but I just feel weird about her staying and having a plan to sleep in my 4 year old’s single bed for a week. She is immensely offended and said that if we wanted to stay in her house she would let us, but we wouldn’t without a valid reason-she lives 20 minutes away.

I dont mean to sound harsh but was it a good idea to get a kitten before your holiday knowing you would have to ask your Mum the favour of looking after it? When you describe her as a difficult woman what made you think this would work out?

YANBU about your mother and boundaries, however, the kitten will just have adjusted to your home and to now introduce it to another home will confuse and distress it. I know its not what you want but I would let your mother stay on this occasion, for the sake of your kitten and make alternative arrangements in the future.

Exchange your dkitten for a tiger dkitten. You need some sort of security system to keep her at bay imo.
Use this situation to take control of your life. You are a bloody grown up!!

For most people your mum staying at yours to look after the kitten would be a totally normal suggestion. For you, there's obviously a lot more going on under the surface. Have you come across/read the Stately Home thread? Might be worth a look.

Your mum is doing you a huge favour. To insist she carries out this favour in her home rather than yours, is very cheeky.

I completely understand where you are coming from op as your Mum sounds like mine. There's a rigidity and control that is hard to explain, and the smallest things that wouldn't unsettle others become weapons/anger/resentment/distress.

You have three options and none are easy with your Mum's emotions. I'd say try to do the one that works best for kitten & you. Also don't feel you haven't been successful with boundaries. You are unlearning decades of trying to keep your Mum emotionally regulated. That isn't easy and you may need to focus on the small changes you can make that even if she doesn't respond well, you don't feel you've been completely defeated and shut down.

This is the most recent one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4265761-June-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes

If she has keys how can you stop her? You won't know if she stays as you won't be there.

@Walkingthedog46

Your mum is doing you a huge favour. To insist she carries out this favour in her home rather than yours, is very cheeky.

A wild guess - you have a lovely mum? one who wouldn't dream of crossing your boundaries and who you could trust not to go through your underwear/bank statements/'toys' drawers?

Well, some people have mums who are the total opposite, they have mums who would definitely nose into everything, judge your cleaning, check your and your husband's paperwork and medical appointments... Yes really.

I would get my keys back, and get someone else to cat-sit. Or take the cat back to it's mother; it's older now and 1 week or so won't confuse it. it won't be nursing or being 'cared for' by it's mum, it's likely the mum will ignore it.

I think the problem here is that you've asked your mum for a favour. She clearly is using that to exert some control over you. YANBU at all to not want her to stay in the house. However, you may need to suck it up this time as you've made your bed here. You cannot ask people like this for favours without expecting this kind of outcome tbh
Be prepared for her to be critising your home etc when you come back. You need to seriously rethink your boundaries. Your mum should not have a spare key and be turnng up whenever she fancies. She sounds like a toddler. If your toddler was being irrational and shouting at you because you put a sensible boundary in place would you then let them walk all over you? If she isn't going to behave like a grown woman they don't treat her like one.

On the other hand, kitten should defo stay at yours. In future find a sensible local teenagee to pay to visit and feed your kitten whilst you are away x

It's best for the kitten to stay home so I think you need to suck it I'm afraid and don't ask your mother for favours again.

75% of Mumsnet problem threads would be solved if people learned how to say ‘no’ and stick to it. People might say ‘it’s not that simple’, but it really is.