Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not want my mother to stay in my house when I’m on holiday

85 replies

LovelyBranches · 21/08/2021 14:20

This summer we took on a kitten from a friends unexpected litter. Before we had the kitten we knew we had a UK holiday booked and so I asked my mother if she would look after the kitten at my mother’s house to allow us to go away. This was about 7 weeks ago and before we said yes to having the kitten. It was all agreed and we had our kitten three weeks ago.

We now leave on Friday and my mother is demanding that she lives in our house for the week and because I’ve said no, my mother is being so nasty with me. For background, my mother is a difficult character, she’s moody, angry and very possessive of me and my children. She lives 20 minutes away and is in my house all the time and she get’s annoyed if I don’t see her a couple of times a week. I have tried to put in boundaries many times and they are often walked all over. On the flip side, my mother can also be very lonely because she’s a widow, and she can be lovely with my children. She get’s really annoyed if we visit my parents in law or if they look after my children and she often thinks of herself as the second parent-over my husband.

My mother has already decided that she’s going to sleep in my 4 year olds bed and that she will live in my house and clean it for me whilst I’m away. My house is already clean, even though she often makes me feel like it’s the equivalent of a crack den (I had a cleaner once and my mother followed her around telling her all the spots she missed and hiding my Hoover on a weekly basis so that she wouldn’t use mine, eventually and understandably she quit).

I don’t want my mother staying, I feel uncomfortable with it but it’s making her really angry that I don’t want her to live in my house and it’s causing so many arguments.

I have said that I would ask a friend to look after the kitten for us but she’s decided that was an absolutely stupid idea. In reality, I know that if I were to ask a friend then she would hit the roof.

AIBU to not want my mother to stay at my house?

OP posts:

DismantledKing · 21/08/2021 15:38

@LovelyBranches

She does have keys and she’s in my house all the time. During the pandemic she couldn’t visit as much as it had a massive effect on her, and now my husband and I have been working from home she turns up in the middle of the working day and sits herself down at the dining room table where my husband works or just potters about. I’m generally ok with this because I know she’s lonely but I just feel weird about her staying and having a plan to sleep in my 4 year old’s single bed for a week. She is immensely offended and said that if we wanted to stay in her house she would let us, but we wouldn’t without a valid reason-she lives 20 minutes away.

Jesus. Change the locks and don’t give her a key. If she doesn’t like it, tough shit.

Whitney168 · 21/08/2021 15:42

Sorry - YABU - I entirely get why you don't want your Mum staying in your house, she sounds a nightmare. However, you don't get an animal and then ship it off somewhere else for a holiday three weeks later, I'm afraid, that's totally unfair. You were rash in getting the kitten when you had a holiday booked without someone to look after it in your own home.

Lou98 · 21/08/2021 15:42

To be honest I think it's a little unfair to uproot a kitten that only left it's home 3 weeks ago. It will only just be settling in with you at your home and now it will have to get used to being at another new house while you're not there.

I personally don't ever think it's nice to leave a new pet to go on holiday a few weeks after you've got it. In this situation though, I would say it would be better for someone to stay at your house with the kitten so that it's at least in familiar surroundings to it when you're not there.

It's fair enough that you don't want that to be your mum but then I do think you need to find someone who you would be happy with staying at yours

godmum56 · 21/08/2021 15:42

I said yabu because you have just given a person who you describe as "difficult" a hook to hang the difficulty on. Rule one is don't ask difficult people for favours....rule 2 is see rule 1. This was never going to end well.

Bagelsandbrie · 21/08/2021 15:43

Change the locks. Make up some shit about getting locked out and then just “forget” to give her a key if she asks. Honestly. Obviously you should be able to just ask for the key back but it sounds like it might be easier to just change the locks.

Feedingthebirds1 · 21/08/2021 15:43

now my husband and I have been working from home she turns up in the middle of the working day and sits herself down at the dining room table where my husband works or just potters about. I’m generally ok with this because I know she’s lonely

And how does your DH feel about that?

godmum56 · 21/08/2021 15:43

@DismantledKing

75% of Mumsnet problem threads would be solved if people learned how to say ‘no’ and stick to it. People might say ‘it’s not that simple’, but it really is.

you win the internet today for that post.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 21/08/2021 15:45

I would have the same issues with my mum who oversteps boundaries. I once had a paid house sitter and for some reason my mum kept coming around and hanging out with her - as well as telling her all of my supposed faults. The house sitter was booked for the next holiday too but very respectfully said she was no longer prepared to do it. Can you not put the kitten into a cattery whilst you're away?

fourminutestosavetheworld · 21/08/2021 15:45

Maybe she originally thought that she could look after the kitten in her own home but, having thought about it or talked to friends, she is worried about it escaping or toileting in the house.

Having offered to uproot her life for a week, and sleep in a toddlers bedroom, she is probably a bit offended that you are clearly bending over backwards to avoid having her in your house.

I'm not saying you're wrong btw. You feel how you feel and it does sound like she oversteps boundaries, but I can also see how hurtful this must be for her. Personally, I'd be backing down on this one but then I'm a bit wimpy in such situations.

Bluntness100 · 21/08/2021 15:45

Actually I think you need to put the kitten above youre issues with your mother, it will absolutely be better for the cat to be sat in your home snd your mother to stay there.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 21/08/2021 15:46

I mean this in the nicest possible way but you are a full grown woman with your own kids. You need to stop letting mummy tell you what to do.
Ask your friend to look after your kitten. Tell your mum to stop telling you what to do. And, my god, change the locks.

MadeOfStarStuff · 21/08/2021 15:47

Well it’s a bit mixed signals if you’re asking for a big favour but at the same time setting boundaries and rules for that favour. If she’s difficult and you need boundaries that’s fine but YABU to then ask her to do you a big favour like look after your kitten.

It would make more sense for her to look after the kitten at yours. But if you don’t want that then you need to make alternative arrangements and ask your friend to look after the kitten instead. If your mum is cross about that she’s a grown woman, she’ll just need to deal with it.

Tocktock · 21/08/2021 15:50

I'd suck it up for the sake of the kitten. And having dealt with a mother who can be difficult myself, I suggest that you don't ask favours from her again. These mothers have a way of making you feel that you can't manage without them, then make it difficult when you ask for help, but then play the victim if you stop relying on them.
Some can be trained, like mine, with patience and strong boundaries, so you can keep a relationship. Others, less so. Definitely go and look around the stately homes thread.

Howshouldibehave · 21/08/2021 15:50

Well, some people have mums who are the total opposite, they have mums who would definitely nose into everything, judge your cleaning, check your and your husband's paperwork and medical appointments... Yes really

Well, I would suggest that if you have a mother like that, you don’t ask them for massive favours like looking after your new pet whilst you go on holiday.

Funcamper · 21/08/2021 16:01

Get a Housesitter from Trusted Housesitters - free once you’ve paid the annual sign up fee. Loads of people do this full or part time- like me- in order to see the world,spend time with animals,have a change of scene etc. All sitters are fully verified and you can choose someone with experience with kittens and good reviews who lives locally. Change the locks,give your sitter a key but not your mum, say Thanks, I decided to get professional help this time.

1forAll74 · 21/08/2021 16:01

I would let her come to your house, why would this be a problem, its like a little holiday for her. She will keep it clean and tidy, and feed, and play with the kitten.. It's very odd that you don't want your Mother in your house, and only for a small duration, The kitten will be getting used to it's surroundings in your home, A bit of a sad situation all round.

DismantledKing · 21/08/2021 16:02

@1forAll74

Did you literally not understand anything the OP has said?

LunaBunaTuna · 21/08/2021 16:06

As you leave on Friday, I would suck it up this time and let her stay and look after the kitten.

Deal with her behaviour and the overstepping of boundaries when you get back. It’s not worth dealing with this before you go on holiday as it will stress you even further; deal with one problem at a time, including getting the locks changed.

If you get someone else in, your mother will just come round and harass them and that won’t help anyone.

thevelvetcurtain · 21/08/2021 16:16

I say this with the experience of a toxic mother, and having raised kittens: I'm really sorry but the kitten needs to stay in their own home. It's really unacceptable to expect a kitten to stay elsewhere after only just arriving. Either suck it up this time and then never ask your mum for a favour again (and begin putting down boundaries), or pay for a (probably quite expensive) last minute sitter. Personally I'd choose the sitter option - and take your mum's key away so that she can't waltz in whilst they're there.

Nocutenamesleft · 21/08/2021 16:19

It wouldn’t be fair to move the kitten. It’s used to the smells etc. I think it would be so stressful for the kitten. I wouldn’t think it would be fair at all

So for that reason YABU.

Howshouldibehave · 21/08/2021 16:20

Asking your mum who you have no other issues with to come to your house to look after your kitten…fine.

Asking your mum who you clearly have massive issues with to have your kitten at her house whilst you go away and you could predict she’ll make it difficult or use it as an excuse to come to your house to stay…not fine.

Devon1987 · 21/08/2021 16:21

She needs to be told no. You’re an adult why are you letting her speak to like this?!
Change the locks too, your dh sounds very patient. I would of told my mil to jog in if she strolled into my house daily.
I think there are bigger things at play here then the kitten. But get mate to look after it, she will use it to control you.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/08/2021 16:22

I'm really sorry OP, I understand your frustrations with your Mum but the kitten really needs to stay in it's own home. It's only just been moved away from it's Mum and it would be so unfair to move it again whilst you're on holiday and then move it back again.

Aprilx · 21/08/2021 16:27

A cat / kitten will not do very well being looked after in another home, they are much less “portable” than dogs in that respect. I would go so far as to say it was not a very cat friendly suggestion and your mother is right that she should come to yours for cat sitting duties. However, I expect for both of you, this is not really about the cats welfare and there are bigger issues here.

Isthisit22 · 21/08/2021 16:30

@Cuddlyrottweiler

I mean this in the nicest possible way but you are a full grown woman with your own kids. You need to stop letting mummy tell you what to do. Ask your friend to look after your kitten. Tell your mum to stop telling you what to do. And, my god, change the locks.

This

Flip

1 2 3 4