To not want my mother to stay in my house when I’m on holiday

[LovelyBranches]

This summer we took on a kitten from a friends unexpected litter. Before we had the kitten we knew we had a UK holiday booked and so I asked my mother if she would look after the kitten at my mother’s house to allow us to go away. This was about 7 weeks ago and before we said yes to having the kitten. It was all agreed and we had our kitten three weeks ago.

We now leave on Friday and my mother is demanding that she lives in our house for the week and because I’ve said no, my mother is being so nasty with me. For background, my mother is a difficult character, she’s moody, angry and very possessive of me and my children. She lives 20 minutes away and is in my house all the time and she get’s annoyed if I don’t see her a couple of times a week. I have tried to put in boundaries many times and they are often walked all over. On the flip side, my mother can also be very lonely because she’s a widow, and she can be lovely with my children. She get’s really annoyed if we visit my parents in law or if they look after my children and she often thinks of herself as the second parent-over my husband.

My mother has already decided that she’s going to sleep in my 4 year olds bed and that she will live in my house and clean it for me whilst I’m away. My house is already clean, even though she often makes me feel like it’s the equivalent of a crack den (I had a cleaner once and my mother followed her around telling her all the spots she missed and hiding my Hoover on a weekly basis so that she wouldn’t use mine, eventually and understandably she quit).

I don’t want my mother staying, I feel uncomfortable with it but it’s making her really angry that I don’t want her to live in my house and it’s causing so many arguments.

I have said that I would ask a friend to look after the kitten for us but she’s decided that was an absolutely stupid idea. In reality, I know that if I were to ask a friend then she would hit the roof.

AIBU to not want my mother to stay at my house?

Poor kitten needs to be your number one priority.

Let kitty stay home, put up with your mum stopping. I can’t see what harm it will do if mum ‘cleans’ your clean home. At least the kitten will be happy.

Dumping kitty at either your mums or the kitty mums home would be awfully unsettling. She’s a living being, not a toy. You seem to have your priorities a bit wonky here.

My dh's mate has just been visiting multiple relatives and took 2x ddogs and a dcat!! Dcat apparently had a great time!!
Send the dcat to your friend's house op. Change your locks. Block dm for the duration of your trip..

@Bluntness100

Actually I think you need to put the kitten above youre issues with your mother, it will absolutely be better for the cat to be sat in your home snd your mother to stay there.

Agree. I couldn't imagine sending our kitten to another house at this stage. He's only just used to us, the smells of our house, knows where his food and litter tray is etc. It would be unsettling and unfair to move him. It's a shame this wasn't thought through before getting the kitten. In this situation I'd let my mother stay but I'd be changing the locks as soon as I got back to put a stop to her waltzing in disrupting your/Dh's working day.

You've only had the kitten a few weeks and yet you're leaving her and taking her to yet another house? You don't want to confuse her by giving her back to the people you got her from, but you're OK about upsetting her and destabilising her by leaving her in a second unfamiliar place.

Your mum's right. MUCH much better for the kitten to stay in your home, which she needs to make her home, and having your mum there. Please stop moving her about unless you're taking her back to her original home, where she will at least have some sense of security. Your plan will leave her insecure and upset.

Change the locks, pay for a cat sitter. Ignore your mother until she backs down and apologises.

I say this as someone who has a great relationship with her DM, but who has had to work hard to establish boundaries. There was only ever me and her, so she had a tendency to see me as just an extension of herself.

For example, she tried to dictate my wedding plans to the extent of wanting to pick the venue for us (and she wasn't paying!) When we stood our ground, she threw a proper tantrum and said "I'm not getting to be any part of this wedding!" I reminded her that she was fulfilling the FOB role (speech, walking me down the aisle) as well as the MOB one, and she huffed "yes but that's all I'll get to do!" I laughed at her, pointed that unless she planned on marrying my fiancé herself there wasn't much she could do - and then told her if didn't rein it in we'd elope and she wouldn't even get to come.

I then refused to even speak to her until she calmed down and agreed to behave reasonably. It took about ten days of me ignoring her calls (thankfully at the time she lived several hundred miles away!) before she backed down. She left me a lot of very angry messages in that time, which I refused to listen to - DH listened to them for me. Once we finally got an apologetic one, I rang her back and we made up.

When I had DD, she moved nearby and was a huge help - however she had a tendency to just "pop round" and let herself in without any warning. After several months of her suddenly waltzing in - whilst I was sleeping, or DD was, or I was busy or showering or just frankly not up for a visit, I asked her to please text or call and check if it was convenient before coming. She had a massive strop about having to "make an appointment to see her own daughter." I reminded her how much she had hated her own mother calling round unexpectedly, and that she would never ever have given her a key to her hone as she had to mine, so if she couldn't show me that small courtesy I'd be taking the key back. She sulked for several days before apologising and now always checks with me first.

Gradually over the years she's got better about understanding I'm not just a part of her, and has fewer strops. Just today we were coming home from holiday, and she wanted to know if she could call round to see us once we were back. I said no, we were knackered and just want to unpack and chill out, but we'll see her tomorrow. I was bracing myself for a stroppy response but she just said "thought you might be, no problem, see you tomorrow."

Anyway, this is a very long-winded way of saying you must assert yourself or it'll never get any better!

Change the locks, pay for a cat sitter.

Very succinct and I agree wholeheartedly! her

I'd be mightily pissed off if I was working and MIL plonked herself down next to me uninvited.

So knock that on the head!

Oh and btw. There are some cats who are fine moving about WITH THEIR HUMANS. So they can go on holiday with you, visit friends etc as long as you are with them. Many cats are fixed on place though, and aren't happy unless they are in their own territory.

I have had cats of both types. Some who simply don't care as long as I was there, and others who couldn't settle away from home. I have moved house many times, and some cats really didn't mind, and some I had to keep indoors for a few weeks until they had scented everything in the flat and worked out that this was now home. It helped that I didn't rent furnished so the cats were always surrounded by the same sofas beds etc.

So work out which type of cat you have. See how much they'll tolerate being in a vehicle (my friend used to tuck his cat into his leather jacket and take her off on his motorbike. If in the car, she would curl up on the dash. Not all cats will travel so easily (all mine have screamed blue murder in a car!).

Recommend this site – uk.catinaflat.com

You can specify how often you want the cat sitter to visit while you are away, or they can stay if you prefer. You get to choose, meet and vet the cat sitter in advance (and so does your cat )

I've voted YABU in that annoying "of course you're not BU but you are for letting this situation arise" way that people occasionally do. You know what your mum is like. Stop relying on her and creating situations where she can become enmeshed in your life.

It's too late now for alternative care for your kitten.
I'm with other posters when they say that you shouldn't send your kitten to your mum's house. It's still getting used to its surroundings and a move to your mum's will really unnnerve it.
What if it got out of your mum's house? It could get lost very quickly.

I'd let your mum cat sit this one time but use a pet sitting service or a cattery from now on.

When you come home, you need to sit down with your husband and decide on the way forward for your family.
That your mum lets herself in, while you're working from home, is intolerable, intrusive and, quite frankly, batshit.

I expect your husband is just just tolerating it , for now, but is well within his rights to complain about this.

What happens if you and your husband enjoy some afternoon delights and your mum lets herself in?

This needs to stop.

Sounds like you will need to just go with it this time OP as the kitten really must stay at home at this stage in its life. But when you are back, sort this out - boundaries, locks and keys etc. I am sure your DH will be glad to discuss a strategy with you. After your holiday, hopefully you will have more perspective on this and feel more chilled and able to do the boundaries thing more happily.

Some people really are like young kids - they need a boundary drawn, and may test it at first but will get it eventually if you stay consistent with whatever your decide, and your relationship should be happier for it. Cat sitter or neighbour feeding cat in future.

Why are you so scared of your mother?
Why don;t your feelings matter in your own home and marriage?
Put cat in cattery with professionals

@Bagelsandbrie

I think it’s fairer to the kitten to stay in its own house with your Mum looking after it there - I would just ignore the batshit stuff about your Mum.

^ Is it a big deal if she cleans? like really? I understand annoying, but does it really matter.

@Howshouldibehave

Well, some people have mums who are the total opposite, they have mums who would definitely nose into everything, judge your cleaning, check your and your husband's paperwork and medical appointments... Yes really

Well, I would suggest that if you have a mother like that, you don’t ask them for massive favours like looking after your new pet whilst you go on holiday.

That's all very well, but having grown up with a mother like this, it is very hard to see that it is NOT NORMAL.
And that yes you should be able to let your mother house/cat-sit, because that is NORMAL. You should be able to ask your mother a huge favour like this, it's normal, for people with normal loving mothers.

But that you know that if your mother did it, it would be trampling over your boundaries, And that is a head-fuck to start with.

Yes, mothers should be able to cat-sit, should be trusted not to nose or judge. But some aren't, and realising that you have one of those is difficult and lots of people just don't get it (as proven on this thread)

And you feel conflicted, and confused, and not know what to do for the best - because your mother is not normal, and doesn't act in the same way as a normal mother.

Should I ask mother this very normal favour?
Should I give my mother a key - again, is that normal?
Should I be ok with my mother just coming in and sitting at my DHs desk? Is it normal?
Can I ask mother to NOT nose through my drawers/paperwork? Is it normal????? Is it right? Am I normal for finding it wrong?

Is it a big deal if she cleans? like really? I understand annoying, but does it really matter. - yeah, there's another one.

It's not about the cleaning. It's about the boundaries which are non-existent to the mother.

Thank you so much for your responses so far, they’ve given me so much to think about. I feel utterly stupid in this situation that I hadn’t thought of what was going to happen. My friend rescued a cat and then found out she was pregnant and I have helped her rescue animals for many years before my children were born and we were looking for a kitten now that my children were old enough and it seemed to work out that we would have the kitten. My children adore their new kitten and are so gentle with her and respectful, I don’t want to do anything to upset her because she’s settled beautifully and has been so easy to look after so far. When I phoned my mother to ask her to look after the cat I had got caught up in the excitement of being offered the kitten and I didn’t think about how it would cope in a new house, even now she has such a lovely nature that I think she would generally be ok.

My mother is good with animals, she’s also been very good with my children but I know that I can act like a child around her because she has frankly been awful as a mother at times with me. My mother worked shifts so growing up my father looked after me more and he was kind and calm. My mother was aggressive and depressed, she would throw me out regularly as a teenager and I left to move in with my now dh when she bit me on my arm so hard that I had teeth marks for two weeks.
I have done everything in my power to be the gentlest parent to my children and outwardly I am a confident person who is respected in my field at work, but I never really know how to deal with my mother and find I act weird because I love her very much but often I don’t like her.

My dh gets annoyed by my mother sitting herself down by him, I have a lot more meetings so I’m often upstairs working in another room but she sits down and expects conversation and cups of tea, it annoys him but he doesn’t show it because he doesn’t want to upset her or the situation.

I have even considering taking the kitten away with us but the journey would be too long for her.

Apologies if this is a drip feed. It’s hard to unpack why I feel weird about my mother staying and I’ve spent many years trying to hide my strange relationship away from others because it’s so different to the relationships I see friends having with their parents.

Jesus. Ok, forget what I said, my mum has boundary issues but has never fucking bitten me.

Actually don't forget everything I said. The part about changing the locks, paying for a cat sitter and ignoring her is still valid.

Do not offer up your dc or dkitten to such a woman... Protect them ffs!!

No idea bout the kitten, but seriously change the locks before you go as she’ll go and rearrange your house anyway. Tell them DH work has now asked them to work somewhere private. You’ll see her on your own terms you owe her nothing

Quick question OP...what would you do if you had to choose between your husband and kids and your mother? Reason I am asking is because you need to think of this, You say your husband is getting fed up but keeping the peace for you well whats going to happen when he looses patience in his own home and he no longer wants to sit back and watch his wife being abused mentally and his kids watching it too? Then what will mother still win? Cos I gaurantee you she knows every move she makes destroys you a little more...this might just or should focus your thinking on the way forward in dealing with your dilema...

YABU because the kitten needs to stay in its home and your mother currently is the best person to look after it.

Sort out your problems with her after the holiday.

I'd get my locks changed pdq. Tell her you do t want anybody in your house when you are away - if she's happy to look after the cat, fine, otherwise let your pal have it.

Sorry if someone else has said this but ask if the kitten can go back to stay with it's cat mum for a week - and changes the locks.

Find someone else to look after the cat and bite the bullet and tell you mum you feel this is for the best. Change the locks before you go so she can’t let herself in while you are away, don’t give her a new set even when you are back.