Sister and I just had a blazing row - am I wrong?

[Forever27]

Normally we get on fine and I love her dearly, she is my only sibling after all but we've just had a huge argument which resulted in her storming out of my house and sending me multiple texts saying I'm a "nasty person". For context - my parents have helped both of us financially but in different ways. They gave me a cash gift of £5,000 and they paid for new furniture for my sister when she moved into her new house. This was because she lived with my parents previously so didn't have any furniture of her own. They gave me cash as I'd already been renting for many years before buying my flat and I was taking my furniture with me. I used the £5,000 to bump up my deposit and pay the solicitors fees.

I'm not exactly sure how much they spent on my sister as I've never asked. Quite frankly, I don't care as it's not a competition. They've helped both of us when they weren't obliged to (we're both adults after all) and for that I'll always be grateful. My sister moved last year and I moved around 6 months ago and ever since she's been really "off" with me. She's made several comments about how lucky I am that our parents helped me which of course is true, but they've also helped her to . She would have been sitting on garden furniture in her living room if it wasn't for our parents. Once they'd (sister and her partner) paid the deposit, mortgage fees etc they were skint.

Whilst I'm grateful and feel extremely lucky that my parents helped me, technically they didn't need to as I had the money to buy already saved up. They helped because they wanted to.
My sister came over earlier for a brew and mentioned again how lucky I was that our parents had helped me otherwise I wouldn't have been able to buy "my lovely house" (her words, not mine) which is clearly not true. She knows that to. I'm not sure how she can begrudge me the help when they helped her too?! I don't think she has any right to be pissed off but if she is she needs to take it up with our parents, not me. I don't bring the subject up as I know it will cause arguments but she can't help herself making shitty comments.

AIBU?

I’d rather £5k than furniture. You can pick up furniture cheap second hand and replace as needed over time. You’re not the cause of the problem though.

@NewPapaGuinea the sister was offered cash, but she chose furniture

Did your parents buy you any furniture, or give you old stuff of theirs, when you originally moved out?

I am wondering if they bought you or gave you a couple of bits and she's inflated that into "she got furniture AND cash but I only got furniture."

How did the row go with your sister?
Irrespective of what the row was about or over, how did the actual row pan out? Were you giving as good as you were getting? Did you try to explain things calmly or not?

Without knowing that, I don't know if you're being wrong or not.

So your sister got her furniture before you got anything, and she didn't know whether you would. She asked for furniture and got it. Given that your gift from your parents came after hers, I would suspect that the amounts were about the same and your £5,000 was to make it equal. I don't suppose she thought it was unfair when she had her furniture and you didn't get anything straightaway, did she?

Have you been to her house? Have you seen what your parents' money bought? As it was only a year ago, I'm wondering if you could find the same things online and price them up. Then you'd have some facts to go in in a discussion with her.

Did your sister say that they offered 5k or furniture as that seems unlikely. If they had done that I don't get why she would ask them to buy furniture rather than taking the cash and buying it herself. There has obviously been some miscommunication. The fact that she thinks you wouldn't have been able to buy the house without your parent's cash suggests she thinks you got more than 5K. Why don't you just ask her?

I do think you need to ask her about the value of what your parents gave you and state it was £5k you got that you were told were about being fair as they had spent similar on sister's furniture, so was true, did they buy her furniture around £5k's worth in total?

Point out she seems to think it was unfair, but given you didn't want furniture bought when your sister did, and has been expected to buy your own previously, why would it be fair that you had to buy your own furniture and she got hers gifted by mum and dad? As they had missed thr window to buy you furniture, you thought them giving you the same cash value was fair, does she not do? What does she think should have happened to make their gift of furniture to her fair to you?

Perhaps she hasn't thought in terms of the furniture gift being a financial gift. Perhaps she thought your parents have helped you buy your furniture as you went along, and hadn't realised they hadn't. Perhaps she thinks you've had other cash gifts, and didn't realise you hadn't.

She sounds young and this needs nipping in the bud before she "forgets" the gifts she got matched the cash you got and rewrites herself as the family victim.

It also could be she has never added up the total amount your parents spent kitting out her new house. If it was a few hundred here, a few hundred there, she might not have added it all up and realised it comes to around the same amount they gave you. In her mind, she's had a few gifts of a few hundred quid each, nothing like your "big gift ".

Forcing her to think about how much all her gifts in total come to might help reframe it in her mind. If she thinks there has been an injustice, it will fester.

As PP have said, your sister should be taking this up with your parents, not you. Even if she feels she hasn't be dealt with fairly, that's not your fault. It does sound as though she thinks she's received less than you. If you're comfortable with it, I'd just tell her exactly what you received, next time she brings it up, then say there's nothing more you can do about it, and she should speak to your parents if she's still not happy.

I've had some issues with my brother in the past where he clearly was jealous about the differences in our lives, how things had worked out regarding our respective relationships and employment. I can understand why he'd be jealous (though things aren't always as good for me as he probably thinks), but it's not my fault that life is unfair, and while I'm sympathetic and try to be sensitive to our differences, there's nothing I can do that would improve his lot in life. Some of his comments really stung at the time, but I ignored them, and he seems to have matured out of the need to voice his resentment to me. (I hope!)

Anyway, I get how hurtful this type of thing can be. It's difficult when your sibling takes out their frustrations on you about something that isn't even of your doing. It damages the relationship, and in the end can make you distance yourself from them just to avoid further conflict.

I think there are other issues than just this money.

You need to get together and really trash out what the real problem is. I’m betting she is feeling like there is some long standing favouritism and is just using this as the tip of the ice berg.

I have a younger sister. My parents always helped us “in the way we needed” rather than the same amount. However I am money conscious, always made sure I worked extra hours to have enough and when it came to weddings planned something smaller so my parents wouldn’t have a big bill. My sister had her huge dream wedding costing 4 times what mine did because she didn’t care about taking my parents money. I still feel it was unfair, not necessarily on my parents part, just the way it worked.

Surely, if OP's sister lived with her parents previously, she also benefitted from either no or probably very reduced rent. That in itself could soon amount to thousands each year! Plus, the amount of furniture and appliances listed can quickly top five grand. The sister does sound like a mardy moo!

It's not about the money. Or it's not just about the money.

Many families are not able to communicate in a straight forward way and so have proxy wars about irrelevant things.

I suspect this is a long held resentment about preferential treatment or similar.

If a couch was included then she defo got close to 5k. She's a spoilt brat

@lifehappened

If a couch was included then she defo got close to 5k. She's a spoilt brat

I agree! Definitely point this out or ask her how much the furniture was.

I don't think you're being smug or fake at all. Your sister clearly has the arse & thinks folks have given you more money than £5k. She needs to have this discussion with folks, not you. You clearly saved more money than her to get yourself on the ladder & DS sounds resentful. Did she not save when she was living at home? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Have you got to the bottom of her upset @Forever27?