Sister and I just had a blazing row - am I wrong?

[Forever27]

Normally we get on fine and I love her dearly, she is my only sibling after all but we've just had a huge argument which resulted in her storming out of my house and sending me multiple texts saying I'm a "nasty person". For context - my parents have helped both of us financially but in different ways. They gave me a cash gift of £5,000 and they paid for new furniture for my sister when she moved into her new house. This was because she lived with my parents previously so didn't have any furniture of her own. They gave me cash as I'd already been renting for many years before buying my flat and I was taking my furniture with me. I used the £5,000 to bump up my deposit and pay the solicitors fees.

I'm not exactly sure how much they spent on my sister as I've never asked. Quite frankly, I don't care as it's not a competition. They've helped both of us when they weren't obliged to (we're both adults after all) and for that I'll always be grateful. My sister moved last year and I moved around 6 months ago and ever since she's been really "off" with me. She's made several comments about how lucky I am that our parents helped me which of course is true, but they've also helped her to . She would have been sitting on garden furniture in her living room if it wasn't for our parents. Once they'd (sister and her partner) paid the deposit, mortgage fees etc they were skint.

Whilst I'm grateful and feel extremely lucky that my parents helped me, technically they didn't need to as I had the money to buy already saved up. They helped because they wanted to.
My sister came over earlier for a brew and mentioned again how lucky I was that our parents had helped me otherwise I wouldn't have been able to buy "my lovely house" (her words, not mine) which is clearly not true. She knows that to. I'm not sure how she can begrudge me the help when they helped her too?! I don't think she has any right to be pissed off but if she is she needs to take it up with our parents, not me. I don't bring the subject up as I know it will cause arguments but she can't help herself making shitty comments.

AIBU?

Eh, I don't get that you're smug from your posts at all and I also don't think you're being unreasonable!

You loved house, your parents gave you some cash. Your sister moved house and they gave her some money for furniture. I don't get it at all!

But, your sister thinks you got significantly more than she did so you have a nicer home as a result and she resents you for it. The only way to resolve it is to find out how much money she got, reveal how much money you got and if there's a difference, tell her you agree that it's a crappy way for mom and dad to do things.

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

I am sorry OP but now you are just coming across as knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing.

You say it isn’t a competition. You are making it sound as though it is on your part.

Her Sister has calculated the cost if everything for her ..

so obviously it's fresh in her mind 🙄

You don't sound smug, OP.

Your sister sounds irrational though.

Why does she think that £5k would get you a substantially nicer home than you would have been to buy? Almost everyone would know that's not game changing money in terms of home buying.

Are you sure she doesn't think you've been gifted more than you have?

Is yours a flat or house? What about hers? You mention both.

Unless you sit down and hash it out, you'll never know who had more or less, or whether it was fair or not.

My older sister and I have sort of had the same situation. I've had more financial support from my mum in the last few years, whereas my sister hasn't. BUT, on the flipside, her partner brings home a 6 figure salary. Mine certainly doesn't! PLUS, I'm the one who took on all the care for my mum after our dad died (and while he was ill). I took on ALL the mental load, while my sister ducked out completely. And I know it'll be exactly the same until mum's end.
I've accepted that, even though I'm not thrilled about it. And I see any additional financial support as only fair, considering.

No need to be sorry OP.

It is merely my interpretation.

Clearly you have discussed it with someone, as you know exactly what she got. And she knows what you got by the sounds of it.

Like a pp, I think she may have got the thin end of the wedge. She may also have preferred cash and did not get that choice. And that bit isn’t your fault.

But something is making the sister you say you love unhappy.

Talk to her. Folk rarely lash out with no reason.

You dont sound smug

All those saying you need to ask your sister how much the furniture cost and clarify for her how much your parents gave you are right. Or this really will go on for the next 20 years, even if she agrees to “put it behind us.” And it will fester. So just get it over with. Because right now for all you know, she got £2000 and she’s thinking (wrongly) that you got £10,000. Unfortunately, in this case, the numbers matter, and unless you get them out in the open, they always will.

My read is your sister is either insecure about her own situation/achievements in life or jealous of you and your position.

Is she older?

your sister sounds bitter, and without reason, from what you've said. In any case surely she should be discussing any difficulty with your parents, not you. I'd be telling her not to raise the subject again.
and you don't sound smug

Yes find out how much she got /thinks you got

The only way I can see her being jealous is if your parents got to have a significant say in which furniture she bought, because they were paying.

Eg 'how lucky to do what you want with your money compared to dad and mum refusing to leave Ikea until we added that horrible orange sofa to the order'. And I'd guess she wouldn't be saying it in a too serious tone

I don't think you sound smug.
You were just stating the facts.

She basically wants 5k now.

Perhaps when she chose all those items, she was being frugal and it never amounted to 5k.

Cards need to be laid on the table, I know you don't want to discuss it but this is eating away at her and clearly damaging your relationship.

Resentment is a killer of relationships of any kind.

Agree with others you should just get your cards on the table and discuss who got what so it doesn't fester for a decade

A corner sofa, living room set - tv stand, coffee table and a sideboard, a fridge freezer, a wardrobe and a chest of drawers, a bed for the spare room and other small items such as a kettle, toaster and microwave, bins etc. I have no idea how much it all adds up to but that's what she asked for

That’s what she asked for? What was the offer from your parents? “We’ve got x amount to spend on furniture for you, what would you like?” Or “we’ve got an undisclosed decent amount of money and we’d like to buy you furniture, what would you like?”

If the second one, they may have just bought everything on the list, and viewed that as just buying everything she needed, without feeling the need to equate it financially with giving you something you needed. In their eyes, maybe you both got what you needed, and that’s what makes it equal, not the money.

While your asset is appreciating in value. Her furniture, however much it cost, is depreciating.

I know who got the better deal.

@ToykotoLosAngeles apologies you're right I have said both. Mine is a flat (I live alone) and my sisters is a house. My flat is lovely and I'm very happy here but her house is lovely too, nicer in fact.

@viques

While your asset is appreciating in value. Her furniture, however much it cost, is depreciating.

I know who got the better deal.

But the OP saved up for her own deposit.

That's got nothing to do with it.

Sister could have had second hand furniture and boost her deposit with the money.

[quote Forever27]@ToykotoLosAngeles apologies you're right I have said both. Mine is a flat (I live alone) and my sisters is a house. My flat is lovely and I'm very happy here but her house is lovely too, nicer in fact. [/quote]
I see! I asked in case you have a much bigger and nicer home that she's jealous of.

It sounds to me like your parents gave you and your sister a similar amount. We looked at a corner sofa about 3 years ago and it was just shy of 3k. Add to that the price of a bed ( our king-size mattress alone was £800 pounds in 2014.
I'd say your sister has decided for herself that you got more than you did, because she didn't know about your savings.
The only solution is for the pair of you to be honest, ime.

[quote Forever27]@ToykotoLosAngeles apologies you're right I have said both. Mine is a flat (I live alone) and my sisters is a house. My flat is lovely and I'm very happy here but her house is lovely too, nicer in fact. [/quote]

she sounds unhinged ... has she perhaps asked your Parents for more money and been knocked back 🤔

You aren't coming across as smug at all, OP.

Some posters just post trying to upset. Ignore them.

Your sister seems a bit potty to keep bringing it up.

@HurryUpAndWait23

OP says she used the five grand to “bump up her deposit”and pay her solicitors fees. So the money clearly went towards paying for an appreciating investment rather than a pile of depreciating firewood. As I said, I know who got the better deal.

Yanbu. I agree with others you need to ask her what her problem is and if she thinks you got more or something.

My lovely mil has helped out my partners siblings in the past and whenever she does she gives her other children the same amount of £/cash equivalent to keep it all even. Sounds like your DP's have done the same .