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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister and I just had a blazing row - am I wrong?

116 replies

Forever27 · 21/08/2021 14:07

Normally we get on fine and I love her dearly, she is my only sibling after all but we've just had a huge argument which resulted in her storming out of my house and sending me multiple texts saying I'm a "nasty person". For context - my parents have helped both of us financially but in different ways. They gave me a cash gift of £5,000 and they paid for new furniture for my sister when she moved into her new house. This was because she lived with my parents previously so didn't have any furniture of her own. They gave me cash as I'd already been renting for many years before buying my flat and I was taking my furniture with me. I used the £5,000 to bump up my deposit and pay the solicitors fees.

I'm not exactly sure how much they spent on my sister as I've never asked. Quite frankly, I don't care as it's not a competition. They've helped both of us when they weren't obliged to (we're both adults after all) and for that I'll always be grateful. My sister moved last year and I moved around 6 months ago and ever since she's been really "off" with me. She's made several comments about how lucky I am that our parents helped me which of course is true, but they've also helped her to Hmm. She would have been sitting on garden furniture in her living room if it wasn't for our parents. Once they'd (sister and her partner) paid the deposit, mortgage fees etc they were skint.

Whilst I'm grateful and feel extremely lucky that my parents helped me, technically they didn't need to as I had the money to buy already saved up. They helped because they wanted to.
My sister came over earlier for a brew and mentioned again how lucky I was that our parents had helped me otherwise I wouldn't have been able to buy "my lovely house" (her words, not mine) which is clearly not true. She knows that to. I'm not sure how she can begrudge me the help when they helped her too?! I don't think she has any right to be pissed off but if she is she needs to take it up with our parents, not me. I don't bring the subject up as I know it will cause arguments but she can't help herself making shitty comments.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Chloemol · 21/08/2021 15:47

So when she brings it up again ask her how much all the furniture your parents bought her cost. Make the point she got goods you got cash

MargosKaftan · 21/08/2021 15:48

Also worth checking, she doesn't think you got those furniture items as gifts as well. Be clear you bought them yourself.

TempName01 · 21/08/2021 15:56

She might think they gave you money for the whole deposit! Please just ask her

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/08/2021 15:57

Did she pay full market rate rent to your parents when she lived with them?

If not then surely they subsidised her housing costs, enabling her to save a deposit? And I'd guess that was more than the difference between her furniture and 5000?

In any case she should be taking it up with your parents instead of you. If it was a life changing amount then maybe you shouldn't accept before checking your sister is getting the same. But 5k isn't worth falling out over

GlaskinsPerpetual · 21/08/2021 16:02

@TempName01

Can’t you message her and say ‘look sis, I’m really confused why you are angry about the money our parent gave me for the house as I was led to believe you were given an equal amount for furniture, is that not the case?’
Agree with saying this
SoundBar · 21/08/2021 16:05

She might not know the exact amount they gave you. She might be assuming they gave you 15, 20, 50k!

My lunatic DM lent us some money towards house deposit and charged us interest as we paid it back monthly. She never told DB the amount. Found out later DB had assumed DM gave us 50k Hmm yeah right.

Years of passive agressive weirdness on that one until I clocked maybe he didn't know the facts

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 21/08/2021 16:06

Op she sounds a bit like my younger sister. Our parents try to treat us equally and she still resents ME when she's ballsed things up in life, expected them to be there for her and acts entitled. I have to watch what I say and do around her as she acts jealous. It really upsets me as I've often protected her against grim friends and boyfriends and totally want the best for her. I give her a wide birth when she gets petty Sad

Givemebackmylilo · 21/08/2021 16:18

You're only confused because you got the higher amount of money.
Bet you wouldn't be feeling the same if you'd been shortchanged

ineedaholidaynow · 21/08/2021 16:47

@Givemebackmylilo was she shortchanged though if she had been living at home longer

cookingisoverrated · 21/08/2021 17:23

@Givemebackmylilo

You're only confused because you got the higher amount of money. Bet you wouldn't be feeling the same if you'd been shortchanged
It's not clear OP did get more!

Sister lived at home saving money, presumably not paying rent.

Parents bought her all her requested furniture and appliances (it's quite a list!) for her house (not flat!).

Perhaps sis just thinks OP got more than she did. And irrelevant, anyway. Sis had a lot of help!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/08/2021 17:31

Does she think they paid all of your flat deposit?

HavanaGoodTime · 21/08/2021 17:57

Your sister needs to give her head a wobble.

A few years back my car broke beyond repair and at the time we were struggling to afford a good replacement (7 seater required). My parents had some money they planned to give me and DB so they brought the timing forward, paid for our new car and DB got cash in the bank. DB used his to go on a huge holiday.

Fast forward a few years and they wanted to give us both another lump sum. Ours got spent on moving to a larger house, DB again went on a nice holiday and bought some nice luxuray items for himself.

Occassionally my brain tells me to be annoyed that he got 'fun' money and I got 'necessary' money but the reality is, I'm married with 4 DC, a mortgage and all the costs that go with that. DB is young, free and single with a small flat. We both got equal money but our circumstances that were of our own making impacted how that money could be spent.

So basically, your sister is being unreasonable - you chose cash as you had no need for furniture. your sister wanted flash furniture so chose that instead. the fact that she regrets her choice is not your problem.

Twillow · 21/08/2021 18:09

Yeah, they appear to have favoured you. From the furniture you listed it would have to be extremely high end to be nearing £5000.
But was that what the argument was about, anyway? It's not clear what made her call you a 'nasty person'?

ThinWomansBrain · 21/08/2021 18:13

Even if the value of each gift were similar, it seems odd that your parents didn't treat you equally - you got to make the choice of using the cash to increase the deposit, your sister didn't.
SHe might have chosen to make do with second hand, or less furniture, and used the cash - in her position I'd appreciate the gift, but feel a bit aggrieved that they'd treated you like an adult.
It could be as simple as having done it for your sister, it seemed less hassle to give you the cash equivalent, maybe they felt that her living at home for longer meant you 'deserved' more.
Hard for either to ask them without sounding ungrateful - but unfortunate that your parents generosity has resulted in resentment.

TonkinLenkicks · 21/08/2021 18:15

I don’t think you sound smug. Ridiculous suggestion. Agree you’re not in the wrong but she needs to speak to your parents.

User135792468 · 21/08/2021 18:19

I would speak to your parents and ask them to address it with her. Make clear to them that your sisters perceived unfairness is actually causing issues between you both.

Unsure33 · 21/08/2021 18:22

So what did she actually say and how did it escalate into a row ?

MsTSwift · 21/08/2021 18:23

That list of furniture could easily be £5k. Our sofas alone cost thousands

Twillow · 21/08/2021 18:27

@MsTSwift

That list of furniture could easily be £5k. Our sofas alone cost thousands
Your choice. But if you knew your parents were paying for it, it's less likely that you'd have chosen it surely? More likely it was £500/£600 from Ikea/DFS.
ineedaholidaynow · 21/08/2021 18:32

@Twillow if you knew your parents had given your sibling £5k, I think you would possibly look for furniture equivalent to that amount

Feedingthebirds1 · 21/08/2021 18:34

Even if the value of each gift were similar, it seems odd that your parents didn't treat you equally - you got to make the choice of using the cash to increase the deposit, your sister didn't.

Because when parents asked sister what she wanted she said furniture. And OP said sister chose and parents paid, there was no input or conditions from the parents on what she could have.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/08/2021 18:35

Have your parents actually told her the truth?

I know of several cases where the parents have outright lied about it - one was my arsehole ex who I actually felt a bit sorry for when he found out his sister had been given a £20,000 deposit and had her £35,000 wedding of her dreams totally paid for - he had been given £2000 'to make it fair because we're sure you realise we've helped your sister a bit with the wedding'.

The other was me - my HB bollocked me out of the blue for scrounging off our mother and it turned out that whilst she had told me she'd paid his mortgage and a bunch of other bills for six months, she'd told him I'd had tens of thousands of pounds off her. Which I hadn't - I'd repaid £380 lent to cover the first month's childminder fees when I'd managed to get a job starting a week after the ex walked out 6 hours before payday to move in with his mistress a friend.

Original poster
Forever27 · 21/08/2021 18:41

Still reading through all your comments -
Just to be clear. My parents didn't decide what my sister could have. They asked her what she wanted, either cash, furniture or whatever else she needed and she said furniture. It was entirely her decision and my parents didn't force her. I've not spoken to her since this morning. I might let things calm down a bit first before trying to speak to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Forever27 · 21/08/2021 18:45

She knows that our parents only gave me 5k and that I'd saved up the rest. It's not something that our parents would lie about. Their pretty upfront about things like this and don't keep information from us, hence why I know what items they bought for her.

OP posts:
HurryUpAndWait23 · 21/08/2021 18:45

@Forever27

Still reading through all your comments - Just to be clear. My parents didn't decide what my sister could have. They asked her what she wanted, either cash, furniture or whatever else she needed and she said furniture. It was entirely her decision and my parents didn't force her. I've not spoken to her since this morning. I might let things calm down a bit first before trying to speak to her.
What exactly was it that she was saying?

You told us the back ground but you didn't tell us the words that were crossed between the two of you.