Sister and I just had a blazing row - am I wrong?

[Forever27]

Normally we get on fine and I love her dearly, she is my only sibling after all but we've just had a huge argument which resulted in her storming out of my house and sending me multiple texts saying I'm a "nasty person". For context - my parents have helped both of us financially but in different ways. They gave me a cash gift of £5,000 and they paid for new furniture for my sister when she moved into her new house. This was because she lived with my parents previously so didn't have any furniture of her own. They gave me cash as I'd already been renting for many years before buying my flat and I was taking my furniture with me. I used the £5,000 to bump up my deposit and pay the solicitors fees.

I'm not exactly sure how much they spent on my sister as I've never asked. Quite frankly, I don't care as it's not a competition. They've helped both of us when they weren't obliged to (we're both adults after all) and for that I'll always be grateful. My sister moved last year and I moved around 6 months ago and ever since she's been really "off" with me. She's made several comments about how lucky I am that our parents helped me which of course is true, but they've also helped her to . She would have been sitting on garden furniture in her living room if it wasn't for our parents. Once they'd (sister and her partner) paid the deposit, mortgage fees etc they were skint.

Whilst I'm grateful and feel extremely lucky that my parents helped me, technically they didn't need to as I had the money to buy already saved up. They helped because they wanted to.
My sister came over earlier for a brew and mentioned again how lucky I was that our parents had helped me otherwise I wouldn't have been able to buy "my lovely house" (her words, not mine) which is clearly not true. She knows that to. I'm not sure how she can begrudge me the help when they helped her too?! I don't think she has any right to be pissed off but if she is she needs to take it up with our parents, not me. I don't bring the subject up as I know it will cause arguments but she can't help herself making shitty comments.

AIBU?

@viques my parents asked her how they could help and her answer was "furniture". If she had asked for cash then my parents would have given it to her, but she didn't.

Yr sister used up yr parents generosity less sensibly perhaps?
But she was already moving to a new house. And altho7gh houses appreciate, your sister needed money for furniture at the same time she bought the house, not ten years earlier

@Knittingupastorm neither of those. My parents asked her how they could help and she said that she needed new furniture and then gave them a list. She chose everything she wanted and they paid for it.

[quote viques]@HurryUpAndWait23

OP says she used the five grand to “bump up her deposit”and pay her solicitors fees. So the money clearly went towards paying for an appreciating investment rather than a pile of depreciating firewood. As I said, I know who got the better deal.[/quote]
So do you think the parents should have given sister more, for a deposit and a bit of 'depreciating firewood'?

Personally I think OP was in a better position due to her own previous choices, and the parents just gave an equal or almost equal amount. Being given furniture money would free up sister's other funds anyway.

I agree tocktock. She still would have bought a home without the 5k, and by the sounds of it had all the furniture already.

By the sounds of it you had both got yr houses when your parents offered money but you very very slightly (cant have been by much) reduced yr mortgage repayments by upping yr deposit.

So the gift keeps giving in yr case but i cant imagine that after solicitors fees, the small amount you upped yr deposit could have reduced yr mortgage repayments by ver much!

Was she paying rent to your parents when she lived with them? Could she see it as they took from her to give to you when you didn't need it?

I'm sure your parents know exactly how much they spent on her furniture and that's how they came up with a grand total of £5,000.

They didn't just pluck that figure out of thin air. It seems she just thinks because you were in a better position initially that this extra £5,000 has helped you even more but that's no-ones fault that you were in a better position first!

She just sounds jealous but you need to speak about it WITH your parents so they can clear up how much they gave you both.

[quote viques]@HurryUpAndWait23

OP says she used the five grand to “bump up her deposit”and pay her solicitors fees. So the money clearly went towards paying for an appreciating investment rather than a pile of depreciating firewood. As I said, I know who got the better deal.[/quote]
Absolute nonsense. The OP paid for her own furniture previously. If her sister had paid for her own furniture she'd probably have had £5000 too. It's not the OP's fault they spent the money on different things. As a PP said, the sister could have used the money in the same way and saved up with her partner for furniture (as most people have to. I had a 2nd hand sofa for 5 years in my 1st flat and cast offs from everyone and anyone).

This is small potatoes: my DF left a will giving all of us children (5 of us) different amounts and our children wildly different amounts. Like a lovely game of pick your favourite child / grandchild.

Not your fault at all op. Sounds like in her mind she's made it bigger than it is, that they 'handed you the money for the house' and she got a bit of furniture. Obviously that's not correct and she's stretching the reality a bit. What she asked for is quite a bit of furniture, I'd be surprised if it didn't come in at least close to yours.

I wonder if she knows what hers came to, say maybe it was under 4k or around there so feels like they should have made up the difference.

In some ways I wonder had your parents said they'd love to help with furniture, and since they gave you 5000 they will provide the same budget and sister can use how she needs, well that would have prevented all the ill feeling. In some ways it's just wording but in other ways it really prevents fall outs and feeling like one is favoured etc.

With my kids, if I had the spare money and somebody needed say a new bed, I'd pay for it then probably ask around to see if anyone else needed anything of similar value ( or more likely, I'd keep a general tally so that over time they all get the same amount)

Were there other times, when your parents sort of helped you more than her?

I have a brother, and i know my parents helped my brother way more financially for a series of reasons.
Now my brother is getting married and they told me "they are helping him" without giving me a precise number.
I assume it will be more than the 500£ they gave me because of the history we have, but I might be completely wrong!
Maybe your sister does not know the numbers and she is assuming...?

I've never believed fair means completely the same.

It would have been ridiculous to buy £5k in furniture if she didn't need it. It makes more sense to me that they bought her some furniture and will give her more money if she needs it in the future. But regardless, none of this is your issue! She needs to moan to your parents and is obviously jealous of where you are in life.

My parents paid of the remaining few thousand of my sisters mortgage (using an inheritance) so they could focus on starting a family (adoption as IVF didn't work for them). My other sister and I were sent cheques for the same amount - which we used to reduce our mortgages, but could have blown on a holiday or anything.

When my DAunt died a few years later my father split her £18k between us - £6k cheques each, and the mortgage-free sister said 'oh that's what it's like to receive money'.

We'd been given exactly the same money overall, but the difference between being freely given a cash gift, and having the gift-money directed at one repayment felt very different to that sister. She wasn't ungrateful, or resentful - just observant about the difference we know we were all fortunate

It might be that you had the cash equivalent of her 'gift' - furniture can be expensive if there's lots to buy, but doesn't look or feel the same as actually having the £££ in the bank. And since it wasn't explicitly made to be equal I can see how your sister might feel, while at the same time it's not your fault. It might be unequal in which case it was your parents that made that error, and still nothing to do with you.

Sorry it’s not really clear if she knows they gave you £5000. Perhaps she is looking at your lovely flat and thinking they gave you the deposit so say £30k?

What she asked for in furniture could have easily gotten to more than 5k very easily. A corner sofa alone could end up being £1500 by itself. Doesn't have to be obviously, but considering how immature the sister seems to be, I doubt she picked bargain or second hand stuff. More along the lines of similar posters on here who think nothing of spending £200 on a lamp shade.

Either way, it's your parents that she needs to take it up with, not you. Your parents sound like they were trying to be fair. Like my in laws, if they pay a bill for one child, they'll give the other child the same in money.

If the sister is really upset about it, she could always give back all of her furniture, you give back your 5k and she furnishes her own home. Somehow I doubt she will do that.

Lots of comments, trying to keep up.

I am older, I'm 27 and she's 24. She lived with our parents up until she moved out last year. I moved out when I was 21 and rented a tiny flat up until 6 months ago. I believe she did pay a contribution to living there although I'm not exactly sure how much, again it's not something that I asked about. She has a good job and earns around 30k which is good for our area and her age. She also lives with her partner who earns a decent wage too. I don't want to give too many details (or more than I already have) but her house was very close to 200k as where my flat was 95k, big difference imo. If she is jealous, as some posters have said then I have no idea why!

@elfycat

My parents paid of the remaining few thousand of my sisters mortgage (using an inheritance) so they could focus on starting a family (adoption as IVF didn't work for them). My other sister and I were sent cheques for the same amount - which we used to reduce our mortgages, but could have blown on a holiday or anything.

When my DAunt died a few years later my father split her £18k between us - £6k cheques each, and the mortgage-free sister said 'oh that's what it's like to receive money'.

We'd been given exactly the same money overall, but the difference between being freely given a cash gift, and having the gift-money directed at one repayment felt very different to that sister. She wasn't ungrateful, or resentful - just observant about the difference we know we were all fortunate

It might be that you had the cash equivalent of her 'gift' - furniture can be expensive if there's lots to buy, but doesn't look or feel the same as actually having the £££ in the bank. And since it wasn't explicitly made to be equal I can see how your sister might feel, while at the same time it's not your fault. It might be unequal in which case it was your parents that made that error, and still nothing to do with you.

I kind of get this.

My in laws very generously offered to pay for us to have a new kitchen when we moved house. DH accepted, I was much more reluctant especially when it became apparent that it was conditional on us using DH's brothers partners company who I really didn't want to use because I absolutely don't believe in mixing business and family. We could choose what we wanted, but we had to use this particular workman and I knew it'd be trouble but there would be nothing we could do about it. I was right, and it caused no end of arguments and I wish I'd have put my foot down and said no thank you.

DHs brother (same one) was given a cheque for the same amount as our kitchen. Fine, all fair. But a while after we were having dinner and he and his partner were talking about how they were going to use their money to do X and Y and I must admit I did think (not say!) 'well it's ok for you, you might have been given the same as us but at least you're free to do what you want with it!'

When did you buy your house?
My parent gave my brother £5000 when he bought his house. They also gave me £5000 when I bought my house. In theory this is fair, but actually DB bought his house 10 years before I did and the £5000 from my parents was substantial percentage of the price. By the time I came round to buy, the £5000 was just a bit to add to the deposit I'd saved myself.

The gifts were not equal in value to the recipient (however much they may have been equal in money terms). I wonder if that's where OP's sister is thinking - that OP bought a lovely house with help from her sister and she's only been able to buy something lesser.

Jealous of your perceived relationship with your parents perhaps?

God some people are so ungrateful and selfish.

OP you have done NOTHING wrong. Your sister sounds entitled, and shouldn't expect anything from her parents as she is a fully grown adult. What was wrong with the furniture they got her? That helped her massively, and it is what she needed at the time.

Bet your parents would be so upset if they knew her response.

Your sister sounds like she got pretty much the same as you in the form she wanted it in. Plus she's in a house whereas you're in a less expensive flat, so she's just being a cow, frankly.

@UserStillatLarge

When did you buy your house? My parent gave my brother £5000 when he bought his house. They also gave me £5000 when I bought my house. In theory this is fair, but actually DB bought his house 10 years before I did and the £5000 from my parents was substantial percentage of the price. By the time I came round to buy, the £5000 was just a bit to add to the deposit I'd saved myself.

The gifts were not equal in value to the recipient (however much they may have been equal in money terms). I wonder if that's where OP's sister is thinking - that OP bought a lovely house with help from her sister and she's only been able to buy something lesser.

OP has a flat, it's the sister who has a house

OK you need to ask her straight out - how much did mum and dad spend on furniture for you? Because they gave me £5k which was a lovely bonus, but not expected as id already saved my deposit and they said it was to be fair as they'd spent about the same on furniture for your house, and I'd had to buy my own already, so they gave me the cash rather than buy replacements I didn't need. Was that not true? Did I get significantly more than you?

See what she says when asked directly the value of her gifts.

Id also say you struggled as you paid full rent when you were saving, you assumed they weren't taking market room rent off you as well as bills money, were you wrong about that?

I agree with telling her you got £5K and you thought she got the same. Then let her chat to your parents!