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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask cocaine taking dd to leave?

83 replies

WingingItSince1973 · 21/08/2021 12:43

My middle adult dd and her ds age 6 came back to live with us 3 weeks ago after housesharing went wrong. My dd has had a rough few years getting pregnant as a young adult then going through social services to fight to keep ds when it was found that the father of ds had been abusing him. Anyway over the years we have supported them both, almost bringing up dgs. Hes had serious mental health issues and has really only just started to settle down at school. Dd has had her own flat and a good steady job in a good career though always keeping her party girl status. So we found out that she's a frequent cocaine user. This explains how she has been since they moved home. She 'nips' out late evening to see friends then rocks home early hours usually 3am but has been 6 and 7 am. Shes super skinny and hardly eats but sleeps and sleeps which is then causing her to be late starting work (she wfh). My dgs gets neglected in the sense that she doesn't feed him until she's awake which can be 11/12 pm and she hasn't made him a proper meal or bathed him since they've been here. This apparently was what life was like for dgs when they lived away from here. I do look after him and feed and nurture him and have now stepped right in as his main care giver. When he was 10 months old my dh and me were approved as Foster carers for him when it looked like family court might want him to stay with us. Ok so I haven't enabled a AIBU as doing this on my phone while I have 5 mines alone. She denies flat out and is practically laughing at how stupid we are but we have solid evidence and witnesses that she was taking it in where she lived before while my dgs was upstairs. I want her out of my house. I have a teenager too who is really anxious anyway due to all we've been through with middle dd over the years and now this. Please please can someone help me. We have a great support network of friends and family so we aren't alone and we will seek help. I'm terrified of SS getting involved again. Dgs is absolutely loved and well cared for with us. Please someone help.

OP posts:

romdowa · 21/08/2021 12:48

I'd say kick her out but then I'd worry that she would take the child with her , which is her right. So you are in a very tricky situation if you don't want to involve social workers

Original poster

WingingItSince1973 · 21/08/2021 12:51

Thanks for your quick response. She won't take dgs with her. It's been 6 years of struggling to get her to accept responsibility. I think she would probably welcome the party life but kicking her out means she wouldn't have a place to work from. I obviously love her but she's made some terrible choices in life and we are all exhausted with it. Plus she's 25 this year so old enough to get her act together for the sake of her son.

OP posts:

wizzywig · 21/08/2021 12:53

I'd say, the vulnerable person here is your son. You have proof that other agencies have also had doubts of her ability to safeguard him due to a past relationship. Focus on your grandson. Good luck xx

wizzywig · 21/08/2021 12:53

Sorry op: your son and grandson

romdowa · 21/08/2021 13:08

If she won't take the child then him and your younger children have to come first. It's her own problem where she works from. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but that's the reality, she's 25 and you can't solve all her problems for her. Time to let her sink or swim

TheQueef · 21/08/2021 13:11

Of she will give you PR then do it.

Mamamamasaurus · 21/08/2021 13:14

By allowing her to stay, you're enabling her behaviour.

I'd contact SS, as much as you don't want to, and take it from there. If you simply kick her out, she could take your GS or accuse you of withholding him from her.

She's neglecting her child again, he needs an advocate, you can be this and his voice. He needs to be protected from his mother and she needs some tough love.

SeoultoSeoul · 21/08/2021 13:15

Have you told her that you are close to asking her to leave? What did she say?
Why are you scared of SS getting involved? In your situation, I think I would be banging on their door and asking for support, especially since you are already foster carers for DGC.

beigebrownblue · 21/08/2021 13:17

@SeoultoSeoul

Have you told her that you are close to asking her to leave? What did she say? Why are you scared of SS getting involved? In your situation, I think I would be banging on their door and asking for support, especially since you are already foster carers for DGC.

This.

jakeyboy1 · 21/08/2021 13:18

I would tell her she's got a fortnight/month to find her own place and that you want DGS to stay with you, if she doesn't cooperate you will involve social services. She's obviously set on destructive behaviour so I don't think you can stop that the best thing you can do is safeguard the child.

MouseInCatsClaws · 21/08/2021 13:19

Stay calm. Sit her down. Explain her behaviour means she can't live with you anymore, and she has a week/month or whatever time frame you decide is appropriate to organize new accommodation. Whatever her reaction, stay calm. Repeat that it is her behaviour bringing about this consequence. You can't control her behaviour but you can protect the vulnerable children in your house.
Maybe this will cause your daughter to reflect and change for the better, with any luck. Such a tough conversation for you to have, as her mother it is very painful but this is the least worst option you have, unfortunately.

Hankunamatata · 21/08/2021 13:26

@MouseInCatsClaws

Stay calm. Sit her down. Explain her behaviour means she can't live with you anymore, and she has a week/month or whatever time frame you decide is appropriate to organize new accommodation. Whatever her reaction, stay calm. Repeat that it is her behaviour bringing about this consequence. You can't control her behaviour but you can protect the vulnerable children in your house. Maybe this will cause your daughter to reflect and change for the better, with any luck. Such a tough conversation for you to have, as her mother it is very painful but this is the least worst option you have, unfortunately.

This

I'd actually talk to dd about becoming dgs legal guardians. You cant force her to step up. You can look after your lovely grandson and she can have more of an aunt role.

Hankunamatata · 21/08/2021 13:27

And I would try and find a counsellor for yourself and rest of family to have some support

Porcupineintherough · 21/08/2021 13:29

If she wont take dgs then yes, sling her out. Things will be calmer.

Original poster

WingingItSince1973 · 21/08/2021 13:31

I really appreciate the replies. Shes had a history of self destruction from 16 years old. She was bought up in a loving kind family. We had horses and always doing healthy happy things. Then she fell in with a bad lad and fell pregnant. We supported her and we adore our dgs but have never tried to take over as at times she seems to have it together. There have been times where we have been concerned and many many times our dgs cries when he had to go back home with his mum. Sometimes he would be screaming from the car for us. He's had to have one to one at school and only started full days from year one due to his anxiety and anger issues which was put down to attachment issues. We have tried to provide a stable happy life for all our kids and dgs. We live close to family etc etc. When we were being interviewed for dgs placement with us everything in our life was scrutinised and we were approved but as said earlier dd worked with ss and was decided that dgs was safe with her. Since then she's had numerous boyfriends that have taken up resident with her and dgs then 6 months later have left. She's had people coming and going all times of the night. We naively thought she was trying to relive her youth but was keeping dgs safe. When she finally rented a lovely house with her best friend my dgs settled down really well at school. It was at this house that her drug took hold and she was doing it in the house so her friend had to leave. She wasn't getting dgs ready for school and he would miss more days than I realised. I am involved with the school and always have had a role. He has play therapy once a week at school which is something I arranged and met with the woman who does it. I would fight tooth and nail to keep my child safe I just don't know where we went wrong with her.

OP posts:

stripedbananas · 21/08/2021 13:34

I would suggest she moves out as her behaviour is too much and I would suggest that I bring up DGS for the time being till she sorts herself out.

I'd be thankful she has a job for now but I'd let her support herself to face up to her responsibilities.

I don't think you can change her way of life overnight as she's just coping with life but hopefully she'll tire of it soon

Tereseta · 21/08/2021 13:36

She is neglecting her child and by the sounds of it will not be able to look after him properly on her own. I agree with pp that you should ask her to leave and she finds a house share room so she can continue working. She is an adult and your dgs is the one you need to protect and prioritise.
You may need to involve Ss as even if she walks away and leaves him you won't have parental responsibility for things like medical treatment, school etc.
Awful situation to be in and I hope you find an answer

Original poster

WingingItSince1973 · 21/08/2021 13:37

OK she's messaged to say she wants him back at mine for 4pm. I'm housesitting for my parents so we are not at home. I've said no. Not until she can prove to be trusted so I don't know what her actions will be now. I know I don't have a legal leg to stand on only that we've had ss involvement before

OP posts:

stripedbananas · 21/08/2021 13:38

She will grow out of it but she's still at that age where her peers are living that kind of lifestyle which she is being drawn into.

Convince her DGS is better off with you so she can let off steam, don't judge her for now and don't put on any pressure and this stage should hopefully pass soon.

Mayhemmumma · 21/08/2021 13:39

Social worker here - notify school and social work team of your concerns. There is a risk daughter will refuse you keeping grandson out of anger and upset and he could experience upheaval and uncertainty which it sounds like the last thing he needs.

If your DD denies and contests your concerns there is option of drugs testing but that doesn't actually solve the issue of her not prioritising her son. Professional involvement will help mediate also.

stripedbananas · 21/08/2021 13:40

How is she with DS DGS ?

Original poster

WingingItSince1973 · 21/08/2021 13:41

@stripedbananas

She will grow out of it but she's still at that age where her peers are living that kind of lifestyle which she is being drawn into.

Convince her DGS is better off with you so she can let off steam, don't judge her for now and don't put on any pressure and this stage should hopefully pass soon.

I don't want issues with drug dealers etc knowing where we live. Our area has had its drug troubles like most places but we are a small town and everyone knows everything and everyone

OP posts:

stripedbananas · 21/08/2021 13:41

What @Mayhemmumma says 👆

Patapouf · 21/08/2021 13:41

You need to look after the interests of the most vulnerable person in this situation and that's your grandson. Involving social care will be the best way to make sure he is kept safe.

stripedbananas · 21/08/2021 13:43

I feel for you it must be such an emotionally draining and frustrating situation.

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