To ask cocaine taking dd to leave?

[WingingItSince1973]

My middle adult dd and her ds age 6 came back to live with us 3 weeks ago after housesharing went wrong. My dd has had a rough few years getting pregnant as a young adult then going through social services to fight to keep ds when it was found that the father of ds had been abusing him. Anyway over the years we have supported them both, almost bringing up dgs. Hes had serious mental health issues and has really only just started to settle down at school. Dd has had her own flat and a good steady job in a good career though always keeping her party girl status. So we found out that she's a frequent cocaine user. This explains how she has been since they moved home. She 'nips' out late evening to see friends then rocks home early hours usually 3am but has been 6 and 7 am. Shes super skinny and hardly eats but sleeps and sleeps which is then causing her to be late starting work (she wfh). My dgs gets neglected in the sense that she doesn't feed him until she's awake which can be 11/12 pm and she hasn't made him a proper meal or bathed him since they've been here. This apparently was what life was like for dgs when they lived away from here. I do look after him and feed and nurture him and have now stepped right in as his main care giver. When he was 10 months old my dh and me were approved as Foster carers for him when it looked like family court might want him to stay with us. Ok so I haven't enabled a AIBU as doing this on my phone while I have 5 mines alone. She denies flat out and is practically laughing at how stupid we are but we have solid evidence and witnesses that she was taking it in where she lived before while my dgs was upstairs. I want her out of my house. I have a teenager too who is really anxious anyway due to all we've been through with middle dd over the years and now this. Please please can someone help me. We have a great support network of friends and family so we aren't alone and we will seek help. I'm terrified of SS getting involved again. Dgs is absolutely loved and well cared for with us. Please someone help.

Get her out and raise your grandchild before she ruins his life further! That is no mother.

OP,
Your post is very contradictory.

I mean it kindly.

Clearly you are trying hard but a child that wants to be with you all the time and only sometimes with his mother is a deeply troubled, anxious child.

Her utter neglect of him makes him want to cling to you, his only bit of security.

Surely you can see that.

He may be internalising huge stress and trauma.

You say he is only recently in a normal class setting because of his distress.

He may appear outwardly calm but comes his teenage years is when these earlier traumas tend to surface and kids start to really act out.

I would be looking to get that child away from her and insist that he is given appropriate supports, while there is time.

I can only imagine the terrible stress this must be.

@Billy I don't mean to contradict myself. Its been a very tumultuous 5 years since ss became involved when he was 8 months old. They signed us off when he was just over 2 years. We have supported our dd because she hasn't been as bad as this. She worked with ss and with my help she was able to get a good job and take care of dgs basic needs, even have fun with him. It's when she gets in with the 'wrong' crowd which is often that she becomes so engrossed with them and their lifestyle that I have to step up the help with dgs. He is clothed well and doesn't want for anything materially. Her home is always clean and she takes pride in her appearance and we were getting confident that with our input still with dgs (we live streets away so not far) then he was safe and as happy as can be. I was worried about the impact on the lack of interaction with him when he was back from school etc so I made sure I stepped into that role when he was with me which was quite a lot. I would have him most weekends as she needed a break but now looking back this was just giving her the chance to go out and get involved with this lifestyle that is now really affecting how she looks after her son. I have only just found out that when she lived with her friend up until recently her friend was having to make sure dgs was fed his dinner and getting dd up to take him to school. She is very much into buying take aways although before this drama she was a good cook. I do think she has some mental health issues too from what happened with her ex. Since they moved in with us 3 weeks ago its become apparent something is seriously wrong and we've realised just how emotionally neglected dgs is. I'm sorry I seem contradictory but its so hard to explain the last few years on a post like this. And yes I guess sometimes you need an outside perspective to say how bad things are and to give you the confidence to take a massive step in. Honestly we only have dgs welfare at heart and so far we have been able to look out for him but we didn't realise she was taking drugs. It's come as a complete and utter shock

The thing is also she will not see that what she does is wrong, she has the type of personality to deny the sky was blue and the grass is green if it meant agreeing with you.

She’s a waste of space who doesn’t deserve to be a mother. She should be ashamed of herself, what a life your poor DGS has, what a disgrace

Such a difficult position to be in wingingIt . And I can imagine it's painful to read posts that are so damning of your daughter - despite everything you obviously love her and know how great she can be. Sadly though, she's really letting her poor son down.

I can also totally understand how you could not have known how bad things had got until she moved in with you but now you clearly need to act.

I confess I don't have first hand experience of SS so wouldn't want to give advice but suggest you speak to someone you trust who can tell you what SS reaction to your situation would be. A solicitor would also be a good step to make sure you can position yourself to get parental responsibility or similar for your grandson. You need to make sure that you don't put your daughter in a position where she leaves with your grandson. Good luck

I'm sorry I haven't RTFT.
If you said you were going out, would she take your grandson with her? Have you ever said 'no, I'm not watching Jim's when she walks out?
Sorry to be blunt but does she like spending time with your grandson?
At least you know, he's not going to be taken as you've been approved to look after him, but that doesn't make you worry any less for your daughter.
What does she like doing apart from going out? She sounds youngish, art, writing? I can't really imagine your situation

You sound really lovely people OP, I feel for you - sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind- and in this case your DD needs to clean up and your dGS needs your care and love. Your DD needs to accept she isn’t capable of caring for him and needs to sort herself out away from yourselves.

The thing is that you can't help both your daughter and your grandson. He is vulnerable - she is laughing at you. I'd contact social services and say that I wanted to foster him very long-term. The sooner this gets sorted the better, OP.

Thank you for your replies. Tonight I'm still house sitting parents and dgs and younger dd are with me. Dh is staying at home. Dd went out this afternoon and hasn't come back yet. So who knows what she's doing but she isn't trying to prove that she's responsible mother. She's just mocking us by staying out. She told me shes giving me tonight to calm down as she thinks we are being ridiculous. I have a urine test coming Monday but depending on when she last took it, my feeling is early hours Friday morning, it might not show up and then she can stay being all high and mighty! But she has been caught doing it in her old home with her child upstairs.

@MinnieJackson

I'm sorry I haven't RTFT. If you said you were going out, would she take your grandson with her? Have you ever said 'no, I'm not watching Jim's when she walks out? Sorry to be blunt but does she like spending time with your grandson? At least you know, he's not going to be taken as you've been approved to look after him, but that doesn't make you worry any less for your daughter. What does she like doing apart from going out? She sounds youngish, art, writing? I can't really imagine your situation

She would stay in if put foot down but then most likely sneak out. She nips out during the day for longer than most lunch breaks. I don't know where she goes I just assumed doing stuff she couldn't do in the evening. She doesn't really get much joy spending time with him. She never does his reading or school work. I'm the one who encourages him to draw and look at books. He's very clever and picks up things so quickly. He's a smart boy and is also very intuitive so knows when things aren't quite right. I take him to our favourite little theme park locally. When I suggest she does as she's never taken him and we've been going 3 years now about 3 times a year. She won't take him. The only time she takes him anywhere is if it involves friends and pubs. She has taken him for walks before but she's mostly on her phone. She does engage with him occasionally and I know they do have fun together now and then but then she's quick to get back to her own life. She will not hear that he needs more than that. He has no bed time routine and since he's been at ours I'm the one who has bathed him as she's always too tired! Now drugs are in the mix it's made her more and more selfish and obviously puts him in serious danger.

OP,
You clearly are doing your best.

This is NOT on you.
You are not responsible for your daughter's choices and you do yourself a great disservice blaming yourself.

She has chosen this path unfortunately.

You have to prioritise your children and your grandson ahead of her.

Routine and security are crucial to children.

Chaos makes the anxious, insecure and frightened.

This leads to terrible stress which affects their MH as they grow.

Stability is what this boy needs desperately.

This must be so stressful and exhausting for your family.

Perhaps your GP could help too.

@billy you are absolutely right. I know this and I will protect him but I'm anxious of the fallout. She won't take this lying down. I have the backing of my family that know and a few close friends that have known my dd all her life and care deeply for my family. Dgs thrives when he feels safe. He's always loved our home I just hope this won't set him back. Thank you for your kind words xx

Thank god DGS has you looking out for him, I hope that you can get some good legal advice & get custody. Your DD is an adult with choices, but DGS is dependent on adults acting wisely & looking after his best interests. I'm sure you can do that, but it must be heartbreaking seeing DD behaving like this

Addiction is so much more than 'getting it together'. It's an illness. If people could stop and just improve their lives, of course they could. You risk making your daughter homeless. At the end of our day, the way we parent our children shapes who they become and how they behave. I think you want her out because you don't want to deal with the difficult thoughts and emotions that come with questioning things.

You say you don't know where you went wrong with her? There are pretty massive red flags for ADHD right there. Having a teen or young unplanned pregnancy, having a cocaine addiction (dopamine), unsuitable boyfriends, delayed sleep phase, and impulsive behaviour are all major red flags. Please, before you throw her out can you rid your mind if stereotypes and do some research on ADHD in women and gently explore this with her? Moving to medication could be the key to her turning her life around. It is highly hereditary so there is a very big chance your DGC has it too, very often children are missed with it if professionals suspect attachment issues.

Unless you have experienced first hand the devastation that addiction brings it is impossible to understand how utterly traumatic it is for all involved. My family have lived with this for over 20 years and still the problem persists. Addiction is absolutely horrendous for all the family. The main thing is to keep your grandson safe and give him love, stability and routine because your daughter will not be able to do that while she is addicted. I think you are doing an amazing job. My parents did the same and it has been such a journey for them. There is very little support available and nobody realises what an incredible job many grandparents do.
Addiction: it is so destructive, but also not at all easy to recover from. I don’t think anyone would choose to be an addict. Who would want to love dependent on a substance that causes such havoc and destruction?

*live not love

You are describing neglect very clearly.
Your daughter is disconnected from 'parenting'. She has actually only really provided shelter and what could loosely be referred to as supervision in the 'good periods'. No more than that.
The nursery/school will have clear records of attendance and the extra support needs and when these have peaked and troughed.
Very sadly, what you don't have is any evidence that your daughter has met her son's developmental needs.
What you have written couldn't even be viewed as 'grey' in terms of interpretation or understanding.
This is child protection ~you are the protective factor. Without you he is at risk.{social worker perspective here}

@poppymaewrite

Addiction is so much more than 'getting it together'. It's an illness. If people could stop and just improve their lives, of course they could. You risk making your daughter homeless. At the end of our day, the way we parent our children shapes who they become and how they behave. I think you want her out because you don't want to deal with the difficult thoughts and emotions that come with questioning things.

Absolutely wrong. My daughter has had our full support for many years and through many bad choices on her part. She has a chance to turn herself around and we will try and help her if we can but she needs to want the help. In the meantime I need to protect my younger dd and my dgs

@user my daughter doesn't have ADHD. She most likely has trauma issues from her ex. I have tried to encourage her to reach out to her doctor for help but she won't. She's in denial she needs help. Believe me she is able to deal with life and her friends but her son is just too much of a responsibility. She never wanted children. She was training to be an eventer with our horses when she became pregnant and sought a termination but it was too late. Then she had the trauma of being in a very controlling relationship. Sadly she always bites the hand that feeds her and throws her lot in with flippant friends who she love bombs in a way. I do love her and will steer her in the right way but we are exhausted mentally and physically. It's been non stop for 6 years now. Our younger dd had ptsd from what we went thorough with her ex and social services. How can I protect them all? It's not possible. One of them will suffer and I don't want it to be the little ones as its not fair.

I have experienced alcohol addiction with my younger brother who sadly lost his life to it 15 year ago. What he put my parents through in the 10 years before his death was awful. Drugs is a different matter but we have a friend who was addicted to cocaine for many years and is now clean. My dh has confided in him. Ironically my daughters ex neighbours are the stereotypical drug family which sadly reflects on their children. You wouldn't think it about dd apart from she is super skinny!

Given that your daughter was thrown out of her last house for drug taking and her flat said your grandson had missed school and she fed him, would she make a statement to the Social Workers? Her experience seems to mirror yours.

You shouldn't beat yourself up about this. Your parenting isn't the only factor in how she has turned out, when kids get older you can't control who they gravitate towards. What you need to do is gey back in touch with so and ask them for help and support ASAP. As for throwing your dd out, I think you will need to make it clear that she can't stay with you but where will she go?

Your priority has to be your dgs and keeping him thriving. She doesn't get to set him back, at 25 she is an adult and these are her choices.

@emsworth

You are describing neglect very clearly. Your daughter is disconnected from 'parenting'. She has actually only really provided shelter and what could loosely be referred to as supervision in the 'good periods'. No more than that. The nursery/school will have clear records of attendance and the extra support needs and when these have peaked and troughed. Very sadly, what you don't have is any evidence that your daughter has met her son's developmental needs. What you have written couldn't even be viewed as 'grey' in terms of interpretation or understanding. This is child protection ~you are the protective factor. Without you he is at risk.{social worker perspective here}

@emsworth has it there. It makes