He's shagged her tonight, hasn't he?

[Fullerene]

Ex is with his ex tonight, overnight. They have a casual FWB relationship since splitting up; I was never comfortable with the two meeting up, which is one of the main reasons I splut up witn him. She is dating someone, but that didn't stop her last time (while he and I were still together - he declined because she had a bf and he had a gf ath the time). He already told me he is upset another one of his exes (who he will see in a month) has a BF so he won't be able to shag her.

He's rodgering the other woman right now, isn't he? Even though we've only split up for a week. I have a feeling and it's never before let me down. MN please help me get rid of him in my thoughts?

You are absolutely reasonable to think he is with her for more than an evening of TV and handholding. You are absolutely unreasonable to think that it is any of your business at all. Doesn't matter that you've "only" been broken up for a week. You are broken up. He owes you no fidelity at all.

And speaking of which...this man seems to have a habit of a continuing sexual relationship with his ex's. At least two of them, from your own post. Take care that you don't become one of them. That way, lies madness. Stop talking with him. Cut all ties now. You'll be far, far happier in the long run.

So what if he is?

@Fullerene

Thank you *@SheWhoRemains*, I have plans for tomorrow, even if on my own. It's been a strange year. I know he isn't right for me in so many ways, but he has been the first man in my life not to abuse the shit out of me, so yes, I am feeling low about having to leave this relationship, too.

I'm well past the age it's easy to find a new partner now, and even then, with my prior experience (emotional, physical and sexual abuse in the past), I don't trust my insticnts. I want to be on my own for a bit. It does, however, hurt to be replaced that quickly, by someone he has always fancied.

Just read all this. I am so sorry he did this to you. You know it is abuse don't you and the best way to deal with abuse is to end it. In time you will come to wonder why on earth you put up with him and one day someone will do to him what he did to you.

He will end up lonely and on his own because no other woman will put up with this sort of behaviour long term.
Hope you are OK

If he has a lifestyle of having sex with all and sundry as though it's his hobby, you shouldn't be having any thoughts about such an undesirable character like him.

You expect him never to have sec ever again unless it’s with you (which he obviously doesn’t want)?

You need to move on.

You binned him, and he’s demonstrating why. What’s there to be upset by?

I kind of understand why it's upsetting but it's still unreasonable to be annoyed with him or think he's behaved badly if you've already broken up. To me it seems very normal, when you've just broken up with someone, to turn to an FWB for a bit of solace/ego boost/comfort sex. If not that then a one night stand of some form.The thing is - it is just sex, not a relationship. So you use it and the intenseness of it to plug a tiny bit of the gap while trying to come to terms with the rest of the break up. It doesn't mean he couldn't wait to be free of you, or that he thinks his ex was better than you, just that he doesn't entwine sex and relationships as tightly as you do and he's using sex to block out some of his loss/find an an equilibrium.

This
You finished with him because he’s not that into relationships and he’s run to form. Doesn’t mean you can’t be sad about it though. We all would be. Well done for enforcing a boundary.

@Fullerene

So very few MNers would have a problem with their very recent ex-bfs shagging someone else (an ex they've always mistrusted because she actively wanted sex witn him during your relationship)? Or even the thought of it?

Yes, I dumped him. It still stings.

Hm, it’s not that I would or wouldn’t have a problem with it so much as I wouldn’t know. Why is he telling you where he’s going and who with when it’s over? It seems like a lot to keep telling you. And then the complaining about yet another ex .. this is just inappropriate to tell you this.

I had one ex-boyfriend a long time ago who (after I said I still wanted to be friends on account of the fact that I really couldn’t imagine a life without him in) who started to tell me about a girl he was seeing and that pretty much stopped dead in it’s tracks the idea of any ongoing friendship.

I think you’ve got used to having to accept really low standards from men.

It’s not normal, in an adult relationship, to feel jealous of ex partners or worry they’re still FWB.

It’s not normal to feel the need to track someone’s whereabouts, their texts, etc.

You need to consider what a good relationship looks like, and I’m sure it’s not the relationship you’ve just left- so it’s great you split up with him.

Feel for you OP. It's hard to get something out of your head when it's upset you so much, even if objectively the rational thing is to move on. I think you've had some really unsympathetic, sneery responses here, as I'm sure you already know this bloke isn't worth more of your time. Can only suggest shutting him out, filling your time with other stuff, talking to friends - whatever works. Hope you can move forward with some confidence.

Thank you for all the replies.

For what it's worth, I didn't stalk him on SM, he actively told me she was coming over to stay the night while we were still trying to remain friends.

That went as well as it could and we're not talking now. But it was after our breakup she suddenly decided to come over and he already told me he was upset his other ex was starting to see someone so he couldn't sleep with her when he sees her in a month.

Yes, it's none of my business. I shouldn't care. But part of me feels so easily replaced, even though neither of the two would consider being in a relationship with him again.

There were a lot of things I was unhappy about in the relationship, but his insistence on seeing those two on his own, having them sleep over and even massaging each other was definitely what made me want to break up the most.

Sounds silly in hindsight. Yes, I am working on my boundaries.

It's the other exes I feel sorry for. There's not a lot of self esteem going around. You're far better shot of him. Do you want to join the merry go round of exes he 'sleeps over' with?

You know now that you can't be friends don't you?

It'll take you forever to get over this muppet if you try to do so. And / or he'll add you to the list of exes he persuades to still shag him occasionally.

He's not your mate, he's your ex.

Sounds silly in hindsight. Yes, I am working on my boundaries.

Doesn't sound silly OP - not many people have straightforward emotions and clear-cut responses to situations that look would look different to an outsider. "I shouldn't care" - well, you do, and it'll take a bit of time to get over it. It does sound like a big positive that the relationship has now ended. Agree with PP above about not staying friends.

You say he's not abusive but I disagree, he keeps women from past relationships hanging on to be his fuck buddies, and tells current and past partners about it. If that's not manipulative and designed to keep women in line and insecure I don't know what is. He may not be "as abusive" as past relationships you've had, but something's not right is it? He was probably rubbing his hands in glee at your attempts to "stay friends" with him, just another place to dip his wick. He's a hideous fuck boy and you completely did the right thing getting rid of him. You're going to hurt for a while though. Remember that abuse and manipulation comes in many guises and you just didn't recognise it quickly this time.

As an aside, the sneery bastards tittering about your use of words should be ashamed of themselves. There's always a few of them on a thread like this, falling over themselves to be witty.

@Fullerene

Thank you for all the replies.

For what it's worth, I didn't stalk him on SM, he actively told me she was coming over to stay the night while we were still trying to remain friends.

That went as well as it could and we're not talking now. But it was after our breakup she suddenly decided to come over and he already told me he was upset his other ex was starting to see someone so he couldn't sleep with her when he sees her in a month.

Yes, it's none of my business. I shouldn't care. But part of me feels so easily replaced, even though neither of the two would consider being in a relationship with him again.

There were a lot of things I was unhappy about in the relationship, but his insistence on seeing those two on his own, having them sleep over and even massaging each other was definitely what made me want to break up the most.

Sounds silly in hindsight. Yes, I am working on my boundaries.

Bless your heart you sound really deflated. Yes he's shagging her, poor cow. It feels horrible but shows how emotionally immature he is and that you're best off out of it.

Yes, I definitely don't want him back. I went out doing a ice skating today. He had told me I needed to get out more, but belittled it when I did actually book activities I enjoy, because they are generally not group activities. Well, it was great. I spoke to a few people casually, had a lot of fun watching others, helped people who fell over and just skated my heart out. I have been solo swimming and will do so again in 2 days.

Covid has isolated me from a lot of friends. Add to that, that for the past year my ex has dominated pretty much every spare minute I had through either continuous phone calls or, when I was free, insisting I see him all the time bar the 2 days/ evenings I actively fought for to have to myself, and I don't really have anyone to confide in right now.

Did he mean to isolate me? I don't know. I do know that he has a pattern of picking vulnerable women to partner up with, often with MH issues or physical disabilities. Do keep reminding me I deserve better. I feel a lot better today, knowing the "worst" (which I've feared throughout the relationship) has likely already occurred.

That was originally meant to say doing a sporting activity. Then I changed it. I can spell and talk properly, I swear! :p

He sounds like an sti riddled lothario tbh op. You're well rid. Sounds like you tolerated your boundaries being trampled over for far too long. Well done for getting out!

I've not read the full thread but if theres no kids, block and delete the asshole on every platform. You can absolutely be kind to yourself. But not by staying in contact with a jerk like him who meets his exs even when in a relationship. He us morally bankrupt and a headfucker. Dint keep ppl like him in your life, they will always try to drag you into their mud.

Sorry you have been treated so badly by him but pleased to hear you have souch self respect that you took the initiative to dump him even though it is painful. Be happy you have rid yourself of a complete loser. Block him on everything and maybe get yourself tested.

I think you've been abused by this person, just not in the way you've experienced before.

It reads wrong to even describe him as an ex boyfriend, it sounds like he opportunistically latched onto someone with ideals.

From what you've written he ends relationships with women and then moves them into his fuck buddy column, and gets the pip when they're not at his beck and call.

I think you'd do well to rebuild your RL friend groups because one of the people that care for you needs to help you with disassociating with this person.

There were a lot of things I was unhappy about in the relationship, but his insistence on seeing those two on his own, having them sleep over and even massaging each other was definitely what made me want to break up the most

This is so far from acceptable in most people’s relationships. Partners are not meant to do things that make you feel worthless, jealous, replaceable.

Yes. He meant to isolate you.

Fantastic that you fought for time to yourself. Also that you saw what was wrong and dumped him. But next time: you shouldn’t have to fight for time alone. Continuous phone calls are not normal.

Wow some of these replies you’d think we can just switch our feelings off and on.
Try and busy yourself OP, find something to do that will keep your mind busy AND off your phone.

For what it's worth, I didn't stalk him on SM, he actively told me she was coming over to stay the night while we were still trying to remain friends.

That went as well as it could and we're not talking now. But it was after our breakup she suddenly decided to come over and he already told me he was upset his other ex was starting to see someone so he couldn't sleep with her when he sees her in a month.

BLOCK HIM on everything if you haven't already. He blatantly is deliberately saying things about these women and how much he wants to shag them, just to wind you up.

I get that it's difficult, sometimes it's hard to get your head around how quickly these men can mo e on. It's upsetting but I hope you heal from this soon.