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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to ask if you ever had sex with someone you didn't fancy

81 replies

RightOrWrongAnswer · 20/08/2021 13:52

Did you ever have sex with someone you didn't especially find attractive or want to have sex with? I'm in that situation. Person who works in a firm near where I work, know each other a while, went for food/drinks a few times, then sex. He's nice, I like him as a person.

No details needed. It's a first for me, and feels a bit strange. Just wondering about others.

YABU: I've only had sex with people I really felt attracted to

YANBU: I've had sex with some people I was not really attract to

OP posts:
CalamityJaneDoe · 20/08/2021 17:21

Yes. I’m a lesbian, and I slept with a man who wouldn’t leave me alone. I had to be very, very drunk and i threw up after, and there was very probably date rape drugs involved (although not from him, there’s a gang in our town that puts them in random drinks. Can’t prove that that’s what happened, but two rum and cokes hit me like twenty and it was very similar to what friends have described to me)

I still haven’t forgiven myself and I doubt I ever will.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 20/08/2021 18:08

Calamity Jane, that is heartbreaking. You have nothing to forgive yourself for. Flowers

Spodge · 20/08/2021 18:21

Yes, after a drunken night out. The sex was fantastic. Ended up going out with him for a few months, but I ended it as he was deathly boring everywhere other than bed.

thepeopleversuswork · 20/08/2021 18:25

Yes, after my marriage broke up when I was trying online dating I slept with a couple of men who I didn't fancy. Having slept with the same man for 11 years and having no experience whatsoever with OD I think I was just finding my feet a bit.

Not ideal but as long as your radar is sufficiently tuned that you know you don't fancy them its not a disaster. If you keep doing it again and again because you don't want to be single/don't think you can do better then it is a disaster.

Redlorryellow · 20/08/2021 18:30

Yep, I’ve done this and I’ve also slept with gorgeous men I fancied the pants off. The best looking man I’ve ever slept with was probably the worst in bed though; he clearly didn’t think he had to try and it was all about him. Not saying all attractive men are like this, but the best sex I’ve had has in many cases been with less conventionally attractive guys. Don’t rule it out if there’s a spark somewhere.

Lillylope · 20/08/2021 18:36

Yes, I've slept with one of the directors at my company a number of times. Not because I fancy him but because it has been hugely beneficial to my career.

mswales · 20/08/2021 18:57

Yes I think most people have. I've had really good sex sometimes with people I wasn't really attracted to.

Anonymous48 · 20/08/2021 18:58

I think there's a huge difference between having sex with someone you're not particularly physically attracted to, and having sex with someone you don't want to have sex with!

There have been times when I have very much wanted to have sex with someone I don't find particularly attractive, because there are other types of attraction - call it chemistry if you like.

Imnewhere1991 · 20/08/2021 18:58

Why did you sleep with him if you didn't find him attractive?

BunsenBurnout · 20/08/2021 19:01

One only, many years ago when I was on holidays with a girl friend who paired off with someone and left me alone with another guy and I was uncertain on how to get back to our place, I needed to stay in his appt. Shagged twice that night, and once again in the morning, and I didn't cum once. He drove me back to our place the next day. Later that day he dropped off some flowers and bottle of wine with a small note outside the airbnb. Never heard from him again!

LukeEvansWife · 20/08/2021 19:03

To be fair, I was too ugly to attract more than two fanciable men but had a very unhealthy relationship with sex (was raped as a 15 yo virgin) so tended to pick up/be picked up sad randomers

BunsenBurnout · 20/08/2021 19:04

I should clarify that I didn't feel forced or under any pressure to do it, but he was a nice guy and very helpful, and very quick :)

Itiswhatitseems · 20/08/2021 19:18

NC for this. I did as a teen when a female friend wanted to experiment. I'd never had a BF. I looked up to her, she was cool, I wanted to hang out with her. We did some stuff over a few weeks but I think she could tell from my lack of enthusiasm. We remain good friends, but looking back it really confused me about a lot of things for several years (orgasm with another woman so wondering if I was gay? why didn't I enjoy it? why did I fancy this boy at school?)

Fancy is a tricky word. I really liked her but did not want her sexually, or any woman.

TheBullfinch · 20/08/2021 19:19

Yes. He was a long term friend who i got on really well with and I knew he really liked me (he'd been pursuing me for years).

Whenever we were out, I'd see other women looking at him (he looked a bit like Russell Crow) and he made me laugh my head off. He was extremely intelligent, well off and very gregarious too and I was 31 and single so panicked.

Even though he was objectively very good looking and fit, there was absolutely no chemistry between us at all. I just couldnt do it again. He was good on paper.

mswales · 20/08/2021 19:28

@MyShoelaceIsUndone

Yes, worked with him went out as friends, got pissed had sex, 9 months later along comes my beautiful baby. I didn’t tell him, told him I was already pregnant (a few weeks so didn’t know) when we had sex. I cringe about the sex even now 12 years on. He was such a twat. Would tell everyone in the office how he got a cock ring stuck once and how because of this incident his wife turned lesbian.
So you didn't ever tell him? Who does your kid think their dad is?
Davros · 20/08/2021 19:29

The beer goggles have been out quite a bit, me included

cookiecreampie · 20/08/2021 19:35

Yes I've had sex with men I didn't particularly fancy when I was younger. I was in a relationship with someone I was not attracted to for over 5 years. In the end it made me miserable, though there were other issues, and now I'm married to my drop dead gorgeous husband.

helpfulperson · 20/08/2021 19:40

Yes. Because that evening I fancied sex and he was up for it.

bellmyring · 20/08/2021 19:48

@Anonymous48 said: I think there's a huge difference between having sex with someone you're not particularly physically attracted to, and having sex with someone you don't want to have sex with!

^^
This is a key point that can be missed. I've had sex a few times with people I was not really attracted to, and it actually turned out OK, I wanted the sex. The person who raped me would be considered attractive, but I did not know him and did not want to have sex.

TSSDNCOP · 20/08/2021 19:51

In a dream last night I had sex several times with a Weasley twin. I woke up likeHmm

I think having voluntary sex with someone you like well enough,but don't fancy, has more potential for a happy outcome than having disappointing sex with someone you have fancied.

Perturbdisturb · 20/08/2021 19:52

Yes, I advertised for a FWB and he was intelligent, insteresting l. He was not my 'type'. I considered at length whether to go for it.
He was very sensitive and the sex was mind-blowing.

Crockof · 20/08/2021 19:58

@Redlorryellow

Yep, I’ve done this and I’ve also slept with gorgeous men I fancied the pants off. The best looking man I’ve ever slept with was probably the worst in bed though; he clearly didn’t think he had to try and it was all about him. Not saying all attractive men are like this, but the best sex I’ve had has in many cases been with less conventionally attractive guys. Don’t rule it out if there’s a spark somewhere.
Agree with this, I can only assume that they haven't had to work to get or keep someone in bed so they are selfish and also unaware.

To the pp that have posted heartbreaking stories, I'm so sorry, it is not your fault and it is not right. Wanting to have sex with someone who you don't fancy is not in anyway comparable with having sex that you didn't want.

TSS that is a bit much even for me, although wouldn't it be great if we could choose who we had sex with in dreams.....mmmmm Professor Snape of course I can lean over that cauldron...

Frankola · 20/08/2021 20:08

I had sex with a guy who wasn't massively my type physically but our chemistry was crazy and our personalities just matched so well

It was amazing!
Do you have good chemistry?

GrumpyTerrier · 20/08/2021 20:17

Yes a few times. I wanted to, I didnt find them super hot or anything but sex can be nice regardless of that. It was fun and recreational.

MissMojoRising · 20/08/2021 20:26

There is also a gray area where things start OK, you fancy the person, but you find something you don't like as it goes along. And it has happened to me twice.

Once the guy was totally shaved. I'd never seen that and it was a turn off. Another I really did fancy was tiny, I didn't feel anything.

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