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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a parent I've never spoken to taking my child out?

82 replies

NatashaRf · 19/08/2021 21:06

Fully expecting MN to tell me I'm way over precious.

Had a text from a parent in DD8s class asking if DD would go to her DDs birthday party.

"Of course" was my knee jerk.

But since then it's transpired that it's not a party as such as a booking for their family plus 2 classmates to go to a high ropes course (half hour drive away) and Pizza Hut.

My DD has ADHD and anxiety and generally situations like that are quite overwhelming and I like to be able to watch her and be there if she gets overwhelmed/panicked.

So I said that sure that's fine I'll drop her off and can sit in the cafe next to the course bit and watch from afar.

That suggestion didn't go down well at all with the mum (whom I've never spoken to before today's messages) She wants to pick DD up, drive to the park, do the activity, lunch and drop her back.

I don't want to have to go into DDs SEN details with a stranger really. But I feel like the level to which I'm not welcome is making me less inclined to say yes. And also I don't know these people at all and not really keen on the idea of DD in a car with them.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 19/08/2021 21:09

Ask so your dd if she wants to go? Might do her the world of good if she is independent and went and had a great time. Worse case scenario you can go get her if necessary. Loosen the apron strings.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 19/08/2021 21:11

We had a party a few years ago. The dm's parting shot as she dropped her dd 10 off was that she has autism..
Then she left..
Mm never been in that situation before I just acted like I would as usual! And the girl ate the food and joined in. I would never have known. Even her dm was surprised at her behaviour..

HerRoyalNotness · 19/08/2021 21:12

I think you’ll have to tell them about the SEN anyway in case she doesn’t cope with you not there, so you might as well mention that’s why you offered to drive and be on standby.

Magicstars · 19/08/2021 21:12

It’s understandable where you’re coming from. Have you met the birthday child or family at all. Even for five mins? I’d prob suggest a play date in advance if there is time, if I was uneasy.
It’s prob not a bad idea to explain your reasons to the parent- they may need to know a bit about you Dd before taking her out for the day.

Hekatestorch · 19/08/2021 21:12

That's really difficult. To add some context my ds is ND and dd is NT.

At 8 years old, it's fairly normal to have this sort of party where the parent of the birthday child takes the children together.

But I also get you not wanting to go into your dds details.

I do get her thinking it's a bit odd that you want to take dd and stay nearby. She is probably just taking it a bit personally.

Would you be willing to give her a high level explanation? It's always so difficult to manage these things

Hankunamatata · 19/08/2021 21:14

Have a chat with dd and see if she is comfortable. Even if you decide to drive her I wouldn't sit in the cafe next to the course though, perhaps go 5/10mins drive away. Try and encourage a little indepence.

Hercisback · 19/08/2021 21:15

What @Hekatestorch said.

Very tricky one for you (and the other parent) to navigate socially without any information being shared about your dd.

Hankunamatata · 19/08/2021 21:17

I have adhders and encourage them to learn all about their adhd, how it makes them feel and effects them.

I have no issues saying they have adhd to another parent and need x,y,z when they are going to be in someone else's care. It gives parent full picture and info to decide if they would like me to hang around or not

UserStillatLarge · 19/08/2021 21:18

I'm not sure it's really appropriate to send her to the party (whether you are watching afar or not) without giving at least a high level explanation of DD's SEN. Unless DD can explain for herself? If DD does get overwhelmed or panicked it would be useful to the other parent to understand that this is not unexpected and perhaps to understand calming mechanisms.

I would find it very odd that a parent of an 8 year old effectively wanted to spy on my party, unless there was a good reason (which there is in your case, but if you won't explain it, you just come over as overprotective/controlling).

Merryoldgoat · 19/08/2021 21:18

My son has ASD - he’s high functioning so he’s in mainstream with mostly NT friends. When he gets invited somewhere like that’s I explained to host parents and said would they prefer I come or not? I’ve gone on occasion but he’ll often go alone and be fine.

I’d explain his difficulties and your concerns. I actually find he behaves better without me around.

Schooly · 19/08/2021 21:19

I would ask your DD if she’s keen and how she feels about going on her own before you reply again (if you haven’t asked her already).

But don’t be afraid to talk about your daughter’s SEN to the other parent. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

The other parent may feel like if you come, she’ll have to “host” you, ie: pay for your lunch, entertain you, etc. By explaining why you don’t think DD is ready for this kind of outing on her own, it’ll become less about you more about your DD. But I agree with PP - perhaps it’ll do her some good?

My child doesn’t have any SEN so I would be totally fine with them doing this on their own. That might be why the other parent doesn’t understand.

theThreeofWeevils · 19/08/2021 21:21

I wouldn't be letting an NT 8-y-o go to this with people I didn't know from Adam + (allegedly) 1 additional classmate.

Original poster
NatashaRf · 19/08/2021 21:30

@theThreeofWeevils

I wouldn't be letting an NT 8-y-o go to this with people I didn't know from Adam + (allegedly) 1 additional classmate.
Thanks.

Was worried up until your comment that I was being totally unreasonable.

If this was a parent I'd spoken to/a child DD had ever had a play date with then I wouldn't be being so over cautious.

OP posts:
Nappyvalley15 · 19/08/2021 21:32

This parent doesn't know your child or how to support her if she becomes overwhelmed or anxious. Your child doesn't know this parent and how to ask her for support. In your shoes I would either decline or tell the mum about the SEN and attend.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 19/08/2021 21:37

Decline the invite politely. If you’ve never even heard of this family or child or can’t be too much of a loss to your daughter.

8 is old enough to go to a party alone, but not dropped off or bought back by a stranger.

acolderwar · 19/08/2021 21:39

This is a completely typical party/play date for my DS's class and it would be quite odd for a parent to go along and watch from afar. Lots of DC in DS's class are ND and it's all spoken about openly and they all go on play dates and to each other's parties. I have ADHD myself and if my DS did I wouldn't want it to be a barrier to prevent him from doing anything that anyone else can do. If she's not into the activity, then just say that and wish them a nice day.

HawksAreRed · 19/08/2021 21:39

I have an 8yo daughter and it would be a no from me!

Not with a parent I didn't know, an unfamiliar place and an intense activity that DD might not enjoy.

acolderwar · 19/08/2021 21:40

I am confused though about how you don't know the other parents at all? Have you recently moved to the school?

cookiecreampie · 19/08/2021 21:41

Don't be afraid to say no. You know your child best and what she can and can't deal with. I have a similar child and I wouldn't be allowing him to go to this.

MojoJojo71 · 19/08/2021 21:43

My DD is 8 and has no additional needs and I still wouldn’t let her drive off in a car with people I had never met, party or no party. Do what makes you comfortable, never mind what the other mum thinks. As I often say to my DD, different mums have different rules.

Original poster
NatashaRf · 19/08/2021 21:50

@acolderwar

I am confused though about how you don't know the other parents at all? Have you recently moved to the school?
No. Not new.

I have talked to every other parent in DDs class multiple times (apart from one who doesn't do school run due to clubs/au pair and their child is new to the class this year)

This family don't talk to others in the class. I've smiled when passing/standing near and tried to chat but it's never been reciprocated.

Plenty of other parents in the class know of my DDs SEN and we discuss it openly. If those parents had invited her then this post wouldn't exist. I could be open and ask what the parent prefer I do and I wouldn't be anxious if DD was going with parents/kids we knew a bit.

Up until now their DD had one "best friend" and they didn't bother talking to the rest of us.

But that best friend and their child have fallen out (standard 7yo stuff) and my DD (and the other child invited) is friends with the old best friend. So I think she's invited as a political jealousy sort of invite.

The birthday child isn't allowed to play with or talk to the old best friend (according to DD) it's very messy. I feel for the kids involved and that also makes me wary of the parents of what DD says is true.

OP posts:
Original poster
NatashaRf · 19/08/2021 21:52

To add. This parent has WhatsApp but is the only one who won't join the class WhatsApp group (even though been told about it since reception) and has more than once the argued about why they weren't included in Christmas/end of term whip rounds for teachers etc.

Has never come to the mums drinks etc either. So I've really never had a chance to socialise - then got this message out of the blue.

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 19/08/2021 21:56

@acolderwar

I am confused though about how you don't know the other parents at all? Have you recently moved to the school?
We've been at the same school for 5 years and I wouldn't know all the parents in my DCs year levels There's around a hundred children in each year level.

OP I wouldn't be happy for any of my DC to go in the car with someone I don't know at that age. Dropped at a party alone fine for all my DC, including the ND ones, going in a car with a stranger no way at this age.

MadeForThis · 19/08/2021 22:04

With the extra information I would just decline the invitation. She doesn't seem to be a good friend of your dd. Especially if there is playground politics in play.

Purpleweeks · 19/08/2021 22:09

I'd be inclined to say your child isn't comfortable with heights so you'll have to decline. You don't need to go into any further details if you don't want to.