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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a parent I've never spoken to taking my child out?

82 replies

NatashaRf · 19/08/2021 21:06

Fully expecting MN to tell me I'm way over precious.

Had a text from a parent in DD8s class asking if DD would go to her DDs birthday party.

"Of course" was my knee jerk.

But since then it's transpired that it's not a party as such as a booking for their family plus 2 classmates to go to a high ropes course (half hour drive away) and Pizza Hut.

My DD has ADHD and anxiety and generally situations like that are quite overwhelming and I like to be able to watch her and be there if she gets overwhelmed/panicked.

So I said that sure that's fine I'll drop her off and can sit in the cafe next to the course bit and watch from afar.

That suggestion didn't go down well at all with the mum (whom I've never spoken to before today's messages) She wants to pick DD up, drive to the park, do the activity, lunch and drop her back.

I don't want to have to go into DDs SEN details with a stranger really. But I feel like the level to which I'm not welcome is making me less inclined to say yes. And also I don't know these people at all and not really keen on the idea of DD in a car with them.

OP posts:
Staryflight445 · 20/08/2021 07:20

It’s perfectly fine to not want your child in a strangers car, I certainly wouldn’t allow it.

Noshowofmojo · 20/08/2021 07:35

I wouldn’t let my 8 year old go out for the day with another parent that I’ve never met. Eight is still very young.

TheSloaneRanger · 20/08/2021 07:42

I'd just decline the invite, there's too much drama already
I'd take my child myself at a later date when you can all enjoy it

LaBellina · 20/08/2021 07:46

Unless your DD really insists on going to the party I wouldn’t feel too bad about declining the invitation. The family sounds far from sympathetic tbh.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 20/08/2021 08:02

Yanbu. They aren't owed your child on 100% their terms. If you feel uncomfortable, and in your interactions with the parent that feeling doesn't lessen, why wouldn't you say no? It's not a judgement on other parent, it's just you deciding on your own boundaries for your own child.

And no, there is no way a pretty-much stranger would take my 8 year old out for the day. Double no if they didn't take my concerns seriously. 🤷‍♀️

Hydrate · 20/08/2021 08:40

I think the mum could have asked you to join the other adults, isn't it the polite thing? I wouldn't let my dc go in a car with an unknown to me either. YANBU.

MakeItRain · 20/08/2021 08:49

I wouldn't be happy with this either. Just send a breezy text saying "She's quite anxious being out with people she doesn't know very well so we'll have to say no. Thanks for the invite though and I hope your daughter has a lovely birthday".

Holly60 · 20/08/2021 08:50

Yeah I’m with you OP it’s the reluctance to have you drop her and wait which would put me on edge. Simply because if it were me and another parent said that, it would be no problem at all. I’d be questioning why it’s an issue.

I’d cry off if I were you I think

OlympicProcrastinator · 20/08/2021 09:28

Even without the SEN I would never let my 8 year old get in a car and go off to do an activity with someone I’d never even spoke to. It really doesn’t matter what other parents think is over protective, you and you alone are responsible for making the call. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. I wouldn’t either. Not with basically a total stranger. Nope.

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/08/2021 09:39

@THisbackwithavengeance

Bit bemused by those saying they wouldnt let "strangers" take their DCs.

This woman isn't a stranger. She is someone you know to be a parent in your DC's class. Not a randomer who's just knocked at your door asking if they can take your DC out. Equally you are being a bit judgemental over the mum not being social at school. Perhaps the mum herself has autism or extreme anxiety? Or perhaps she doesnt enjoy the politics.

You haven't actually said if your DC wants to go. Assuming she does, I'm not seeing an issue. It would be mean spirited of you to say no to this.

This is my reaction too. I was always too busy being a working professional mum with 4 DCs, three with SEN, to go to “mums drinking night out” or do Facebook or any of that. But, I’m not “odd” or a danger to any child!

I’d let my DC decide and go from there. Look up the high ropes place, maybe visit it for tour before the party so your DC can not be surprised on the day. There are ways to deal with anxiety that sets child up for success.

TheWholeJingbang · 20/08/2021 09:42

A few weeks ago I let a mum take my son away for the day to the beach

He’s autistic and I was secretly terrified in case he’d be anxious
But I know I am completely overprotective, I do know that Blush

He had a great time!

Velcropaws · 20/08/2021 09:55

I would have let my DD go if she wanted to. It's a kind invitation! And while I understand you don't want to share your dd's SN to all and sundry, I would have thought it sensible to do so In this case for your dd's sake. And for the host so they can ask questions and find out how best to support your daughter safely and sensitively.

By not sharing this information you have put everyone in a difficult position. The host parents think you are wierd and clingy, when you were being understandably protective. And you are reacting negatively to them thinking you wierd and clingy! When it could be easily sorted with clear communication.

Just ring them op and explain Flowers

Original poster
NatashaRf · 20/08/2021 09:59

Thanks all.

I'm glad it wasn't a clean sweep of folks telling me AIBU.

I think I'll try gently again saying I'll drop her. If that's met with a no then I'll need to explain again that she's can get anxious (which is the reason I said in the first place I'd rather be there and was told she'd be fine) and I would like to be nearby.

There's a Starbucks by the Pizza Hut so I think as soon as I seen them leaving the trees I'll pop to Starbucks and stay out of the way until they're done.

I don't want to feel like a stalker. But I don't want my daughter worried or upset and I don't want to ruin a birthday.

I've made it clear I don't expect to join in, and siblings won't be near etc. So I'm 100% their reluctance isn't to do with worrying I'm going to be adding people/cost.

OP posts:
igelkott2021 · 20/08/2021 10:02

@acolderwar

I am confused though about how you don't know the other parents at all? Have you recently moved to the school?
Oh do give over with the faux innocence. You must know as well as anyone that playground cliques exist and that mothers of primary school children can be as bad as the kids, of not worse at excluding mums. Especially those with children with special needs.

Not in this case as it happens, but I do think that was a really unhelpful comment.

MsTSwift · 20/08/2021 10:09

I think your initial approach is odd. A family have invited your dd to do something nice at their expense that’s a nice thing surely yet your first reaction is suspicion and negativity all this “stranger” reference because she is not in the mum clique.

Mamamia7962 · 20/08/2021 10:12

I'm still confused OP how she was able to text you if you've never spoken to her. How did she get your phone number? Or have I am missed something here.

GintyMcGinty · 20/08/2021 10:12

You will find a lot of invitations are like this now she is 8.

So you probably need to decide your approach generally because this will happen again.

I'm sure you want your daughter included and able to develop confidence and independence so how do you support her to take part in these things.

I think you need to share a little if her needs so the hosts are able to meet them. Or at least do they don't think you are a helicopter parent hanging around.

OlympicProcrastinator · 20/08/2021 10:16

I am confused though about how you don't know the other parents at all? Have you recently moved to the school

You’re easily confused! Not all parents stand around chatting on the school run. Some of us don’t even do the school run. My DD goes to breakfast and after school club so I can work. I don’t know most of the parents.

As for the PP’s saying a mum at the school isn’t the same type of ‘stranger’ that knocks on your door; well if OP knows about as much about the parent as a random door knocker, then they are, pretty much, a complete stranger.

Original poster
NatashaRf · 20/08/2021 10:21

@Mamamia7962

I'm still confused OP how she was able to text you if you've never spoken to her. How did she get your phone number? Or have I am missed something here.
She asked the mum of the other child going for my number.
OP posts:
Original poster
NatashaRf · 20/08/2021 10:23

@MsTSwift

I think your initial approach is odd. A family have invited your dd to do something nice at their expense that’s a nice thing surely yet your first reaction is suspicion and negativity all this “stranger” reference because she is not in the mum clique.
My initial reply was "oh yes thank you that would be lovely. What a nice invitation" actually.

Then I went on to say I'm not sure how DD would be there. She gets quite nervous so I'll drop her there and stay nearby in the cafe.

And then was replied to with "No, we'll take her on our own"

Which is when my concern began.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 20/08/2021 10:24

OP,
Very reasonable IMO for you to feel nervous.

If a parent said to me that they would do as suggested and I didn't know them, I would think that they knew their child and were doing what they thought was best.

My son was asked to a swimming party when he was 5 and couldn't swim.

It didn't suit me to go and watch as I had a 2 year old, and was pregnant, so I declined as there was no way I was depending on a someone else to keep my child safe in a pool with 30 other kids, when he couldn't swim.

Perhaps fussy of me🤷‍♀️, I didn't care, I just politely declined.

Do what you think is best.Flowers

tempester28 · 20/08/2021 10:27

I think you should let her go but I understand your concern. However I have an autistic girl come for play dates. But genuinely when she is here (obviously only for a few hours at a time) I would not know she has any additional needs. I assume that for that period of time she is able to cope and always seems happy to do what the other kids are doing.

Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows · 20/08/2021 10:31

I certainly wouldn't let any of my children go with anyone who replied to me offering to take them somewhere and wait saying "no, we'll take her on our own". That straight away would come across as strange and i'd feel very uncomfortable with anyone who done that taking my child somewhere. You don't know this Mum at all so i totally understand your concerns (regardless of your dd having sen).

Justgettingbye · 20/08/2021 10:31

If your DD wants to go Is there anyway of inviting the mum and child over beforehand for a coffee and for the children to play to get to know her a bit and see how the children interact.

30mph · 20/08/2021 10:35

"No, we'll take her on our own"

Just decline, 'That doesn't work for us, thank you for the invitation, but we are unable to come'