To not want a parent I've never spoken to taking my child out?

[NatashaRf]

Fully expecting MN to tell me I'm way over precious.

Had a text from a parent in DD8s class asking if DD would go to her DDs birthday party.

"Of course" was my knee jerk.

But since then it's transpired that it's not a party as such as a booking for their family plus 2 classmates to go to a high ropes course (half hour drive away) and Pizza Hut.

My DD has ADHD and anxiety and generally situations like that are quite overwhelming and I like to be able to watch her and be there if she gets overwhelmed/panicked.

So I said that sure that's fine I'll drop her off and can sit in the cafe next to the course bit and watch from afar.

That suggestion didn't go down well at all with the mum (whom I've never spoken to before today's messages) She wants to pick DD up, drive to the park, do the activity, lunch and drop her back.

I don't want to have to go into DDs SEN details with a stranger really. But I feel like the level to which I'm not welcome is making me less inclined to say yes. And also I don't know these people at all and not really keen on the idea of DD in a car with them.

Does she actually know your dd has SEN?
I would be so uncomfortable as well so you're not alone! My son has Asd and I never know when in the future he will be 'safe' without me or Dh. I would just go anyway any not tell them

As a parent hosting the party I wouldn't want the responsibility without at least knowing about the SEN. I think you will need to think about sharing the info if you want her to participate in things in the future on an as needs to know basis.

If you told me, and wanted to be there I would of course be happy with that!

I would not be keen but I’d ask my dc what they thought and I think ultimately it would be their own decision.
I wouldn’t be delighted if i didn’t know the parents, but would probably let my 8yo go

Sounds like a typical party to me
And that the mum is being kind to offer to take your dd (I don’t particularly enjoy the parties that are at an activity 30-45 mins away and parents are expected to transport) but surely only a very unreasonable/bonkers parent would discourage you from being nearby if your dd is prone to anxiety etc.

So find it a bit unbelievable that if you’ve explained the reason why that the mum doesn’t want you to be on hand? Would’ve thought it’s more that she wants to make sure you know she’s happy to transport your dd.

Yanbu there's no chance I'd let a stranger pick my child up, take them out for the day and then drop them back.

Invite aside, based on the petty behaviour they’re encouraging in their DD I wouldn’t want my DD involved, probably wouldn’t be long before she’s wronged the birthday girl and is blanked. They sound very odd.

If I didn't have a problem letting an 8 year old go to someone's house for a party, I wouldn't have a problem letting them go to a high wires experience with them. Those things are well supervised. I definitely wouldn't invite myself along, and I would find it weird if someone else did.

Having said all that, the activity doesn't sound well suited to a highly anxious child with ADHD, and the birthday girl's parents sound a bit odd, so I might decline the invitation in this case.

I can understand your reluctance. Parents didn’t start transporting kids around in this way until about 10 when dd was younger.

Do you not want to tell this mother about your dd’s adhd and anxiety as you fear she will judge your dd? She doesn’t sound very cooperative. I think you’re going to have to bite the bullet or decline.

But that best friend and their child have fallen out (standard 7yo stuff) and my DD (and the other child invited) is friends with the old best friend. So I think she's invited as a political jealousy sort of invite.

YABU. You are totally over analysing this @NatashaRf. But it's up to you whether or not to let your DD go. Just let the parents know asap so they can ask someone else. Their daughter is having friend problems as it is, I'm sure they don't want her birthday to be a disappointment.

YABU. I know it’s difficult, but you need to let your child go and make their own way. It’s really important for them, both for themselves, and to fit in.

Make sure the parent has your number in case of any problems.

How has the mother got your phone number if you've never spoken to her?

My son has ASD and ADHD. Whenever he gets an invite I tend to say he does have asd and may be a handful especially if he hurts himself. I normally say is it OK if I drop him off and stay near by incase there is any issue. Sometimes his fine other times his about ran out of the venue and the parent was very thankful I was so close. You know your child and if your unsure either say no or alternatively head to the cafe next to the place just after she's picked up. Meet a friend there for coffee. Then head home when they go for food.

It sounds like an absolutely typical 8 yr old birthday yet t arrangement to me, and unless you explain the context to the mum as to why you want to attend too, it would be v confusing. But you have now made it sound like you think this family are a bit weird, which is a totally different situation. If that is the reason you don’t want to send your child off with them, then that’s different. If it’s just a normal school family inviting a friend to an activity birthday party then there’s no reason to be suspicious of anyone.

@RedHelenB

Ask so your dd if she wants to go? Might do her the world of good if she is independent and went and had a great time. Worse case scenario you can go get her if necessary. Loosen the apron strings.

I would do this too, if DD wants to go then explain to the mum she sometimes panics and gets anxious so could you be a bit more vigilant for (insert typical signs your daughter shows). If you explained to the mother she might understand why you want to go too

At 8 years old, it's fairly normal to have this sort of party where the parent of the birthday child takes the children together.

I do get her thinking it's a bit odd that you want to take dd and stay nearby. She is probably just taking it a bit personally.

This ^

I also agree with @UserStillatLarge - it comes across as you being very over protective and wanting to spy on the party.
Which is weird.
If you want to do that, then I think you have to explain why. Otherwise YABU.

There’s no way I’d be letting either of my kids (10 and 7) be taken out for the day by a someone I didn’t know, half an hour away in a car. Maybe I’m over-protective, but my kids would have no way of contacting me if they didn’t feel safe, I’d have no idea what these people are like and if they could be trusted… No. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I’d let them go with a friend, who I know and trust, and who knows them. But not a stranger. If my child wanted to invite a friend out with us whose parents I didn’t know, I’d have no issue at all if the parent wanted to come, or meet up beforehand - in fact I’d find it odd if they were happy just to hand over their kid without knowing anything about me.

Is it a Go Ape type thing? I did this recently with my 7 and 13 year old sons and we all found it terrifying! At least 2 children were crying up there, they were so scared. I would not let an anxious child go without your supervision.

This would be a firm no from me. You have no idea what these people are up to in their lives. There’s no way I’d let my kid go off for the day with strangers!! How does she get hold of you if she needs you? I’d say “I’m sorry but we will have to say no. We don’t know each other and I’m not comfortable letting my daughter go in a car with people I don’t know well” be honest. Your child, your choice.

I had a chronic sleepwalker (yes, I know it's not really the same thing) and always said this straight away if a mother issued an invitation for a sleepover.

The idea that your DD knows exactly why certain people have been invited to this birthday party is one that could be a mistake.

I honestly think you're being over protective here. The other mother might have a job that keeps her from parent drinks meetups, might not drink, might have caring responsibilities, might have some degree of autism and might find it hard to face a room full of other parents or participate in the class WhatsApp.

I find it deeply odd that some posters say they would think the OP ‘wanted to spy on the party. DS has just turned 9 and at both schools he’s attended aged 7//8/9 there have been a number of NT and ND children who would have needed a parent to be around for that type of activity as a rule. I certainly wouldn’t have found it at all unusual to have parents stay.

Bit bemused by those saying they wouldnt let "strangers" take their DCs.

This woman isn't a stranger. She is someone you know to be a parent in your DC's class. Not a randomer who's just knocked at your door asking if they can take your DC out. Equally you are being a bit judgemental over the mum not being social at school. Perhaps the mum herself has autism or extreme anxiety? Or perhaps she doesnt enjoy the politics.

You haven't actually said if your DC wants to go. Assuming she does, I'm not seeing an issue. It would be mean spirited of you to say no to this.

@minty133

Is it a Go Ape type thing? I did this recently with my 7 and 13 year old sons and we all found it terrifying! At least 2 children were crying up there, they were so scared. I would not let an anxious child go without your supervision.

Finally! I thought I was the only person on the planet who found Go Ape unpleasant. Everyone I know who has participated thinks it is wonderful. I did it recently with DD(8) and she loved it. However I was terrified from beginning to end (also saw a poor child crying non-stop whilst her parents berated her from the ground). Never again.

OP, given the type of activity involved I would definitely tell the birthday mum and go along.
And there is nothing wrong or precious about not wanting your child to jump into a car with someone you do not know! It doesn’t matter if she is another parent. MN is such a strange place sometimes.

No way would I let me DC go with parents I have never spoken too. SEN or not.