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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Always playing taxi in a relationship!

112 replies

Clioblossom123 · 19/08/2021 14:58

So me and partner both work but im on maternity leave.
He's self employed and always seems to find jobs in his old home town which is 30 mins away (he doesn't know the people)

Im always happy to do everything around the house (Even before mat leave) and im always going out my way for him (just the way i am, he doesnt have to lift a finger in the house, i also get up with baby all night even on weekends )

but since we had the baby im fed up of him assuming I'll take him to and from work when the baby hates the car and screams all the way there and back.(hes a few weeks old)

He's working in a area which is dangerous to get to atm, the junctions are blocked from parked cars and you cant see if cars are coming and I've made my point of how dangerous is it but it doesn't make a difference.

Even if it wasn't a bad place, i think he should start taking on jobs either closer or price them up so he can get there and back everyday.(Hes not interested in driving at all) I never get fuel money but his parents do when they take him now and again.

Im not that bothered about the fuel but my insurance is limited to so many miles a year and if this keeps up ill be over the limit, plus if anything goes wrong with my car due to so many miles its doing, i have to pay every penny....

I never say no to him but I feel like he gets miserable with me when i point out the journey has upsets the baby again in the back as hes crying or how its running up my miles but he still phones me next day to say he's ready to be picked up now..

i understand he needs to get there and back but why rely on me when i only rely on myself (we pay 50:50 bills to everything except the car as its mine)

My question is not to be bashed
but I'd like to hear from both sides (drivers- non drivers) your opinions please?

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 20/08/2021 01:26

I literally have visions of him ladder strapped to roof rack and paint pots brushes turpentine paint sheets .. on your lovely family car... omg the stress ☹️

BeachDrifting · 20/08/2021 04:41

Blimey. I can’t believe what I’m reading.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/08/2021 05:47

@Nanny0gg

You're on mat leave and pay bills 50:50?

He's seen you coming

He certainly did. OP, it sounds like you've never thought to say no? Why? Your treating him like a teenager just starting out in the world of work, not a grown man (with his own business?).

It would never occur to me to take another adult to work every day and generally wipe their arse like this on a routine basis. Maybe as a one off, if it's mutually beneficially but on a day to day basis they need to sort themselves out. It's wasting hours of your time every day.

I can't believe that it's practical for a painter/plasterer to operate like that anyway. Do you really turn up with him and a car full of materials and unload it all and then go and collect him when he's finished? What happens if he runs out and needs more?

On the matter of money, why are you paying everything 50/50 when he must earn loads more than you as a painter/plasterer and you're a carer? Or does he not work many hours? If he was working full time in his own business, he should be earning 2-3 times what a carer would earn working full time on NMW or around that level. How are you for money as a family?

Looking at it, I bet this is one of those situations where there's far more going on than your initial gripe about him treating you like a free chauffer.

bluelemming · 20/08/2021 05:57

What do you find attractive about this man?

Dashel · 20/08/2021 06:10

Whilst I completely agree with everyone else, you shouldn’t be driving him and he needs to step up or go, there is the issue of why he is always taken jobs so far away.

It’s always taken us 6 weeks minimum to get a plasterer in and this year people are having more building work done than ever. It sounds like he is deliberately working in that area and I would want to do know why. Is he going out friends, or potentially got another girlfriend as you say that you pick him up the next day?

His parents clearly enable their son as most parents would have refused this set up, so I don’t think I would trust that he is staying with them.

THisbackwithavengeance · 20/08/2021 06:32

What the hell has happened to our society? It's like these men have no sense of responsibility to their own DCs. They live with their girlfriends and have children with them but dont support them financially or contribute meaningfully in any way. I know a few examples of young couples like this in RL as well. Generally the woman claims benefits as a single parent and the sperm donor just exists on the periphery.

He adds nothing to your life and in fact makes it harder.

How did he get to work before he met you?

This is actually a difficult situation as if you don't take him, would he be able to work? And what you don't want is some unemployed moocher in your house.

Sadiecow · 20/08/2021 07:13

[quote Clioblossom123]@kuponutcoffee his parents used to take him and I'd take him on weekends if i was off work. But it seems now im on mat leave its down to me and his parents say baby needs to get used to the car, but that's not the case, i work around the baby and if it upsets him I'm not going to do it as the baby is only a few weeks old.

Thing is, his parents are happy to take him when they can but he doesnt want to put it on them but will happily put it on me. I understand a relationship is helping each other out but im saying no for reasons, not because i can't be bothered to give him a lift.

If he couldnt find work closer thats fair enough but there are buses into where he works but he refuses to get a bus.

Thats how i feel as if he's saying "if you dont take me or pick me up, i wont work and i cant pay the bills" but like i said theres other transport available. He does add price of fuel into the job but i never seem to get it anymore.

If his parents take him once and i take him twice, he'll give them fuel money and not me [/quote]
You don't work around the baby, you're taking him everyday?

You feel like he's saying something? Is he actually saying it?

Stop being a martyr and stop being his servant.

It gets you nothing and certainly not respect!

Authenticcelestialmusic · 20/08/2021 07:23

You say a relationship is helping each other.

How does he help you?

pinkyredrose · 20/08/2021 08:21

He's a painter/plasterer? How does he get all his kit to work?

Can you tell him from next wk there'll be no more lifts, you gone way over and above being supportive. Also let him know that he needs to do housework. Does he even wash up when you cook?

Tbh it looks like your life would be a lot easier without him. What are his good points?

HavfrueDenizKisi · 20/08/2021 08:59

I feel incredibly sorry for you that you think so little of yourself that you have bent over backwards for this man child. It honestly breaks my heart that some women have such low esteem that they allow a man to walk all over them.

Why would you allow him not to 'lift a finger' at home? It's 2021 not 1951. If you allow this to continue (and believe me, you do enable this) what are you teaching your son as he grows up? That women are domestic servants to look after their men? I feel sorry for his future spouses.

In your particular instance, over the car driving, I would pull the plaster off in one quick go.
No to driving him anymore
No to being his domestic servant
No the this unbalanced relationship where you act like his mother.

If he can't step up (highly likely) then the way forward is without him.

This will sound harsh and uncaring of me but you really do need to hear it and work on changing your mindset.

Youseethethingis · 20/08/2021 09:27

You're life would be so much better and easier without him.
I've voted YABU to be tolerating this nonsense.

NotYourCupOfTea · 20/08/2021 10:24

This is bonkers what does he bring to the relationship?

rainyskylight · 20/08/2021 10:38

why are you such a doormat?

TwoMuchTwoYoung · 20/08/2021 10:42

You are putting his needs before your poor defenceless baby.
You are choosing to make your baby stressed and unhappy.
Well you both are actually.
Please parent your child and not your dh.

Original poster

Clioblossom123 · 20/08/2021 10:46

@rainyskylight i guess i see the good in people. I tend to find that people unmasked themselves over time when they have their foot in the door and usually by then its too late.

I wanted advice and from all your replies im 100% being taken advantage of , which is easy to see really but like i said i see the good in people! I may come across as a doormat but after a while i start to notice shit myself, hence this question. But enough is enough! Thanks for your reply, he's now in a taxi on way to work (no joke)

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 20/08/2021 10:50

@Goldbar

What does he contribute to your life?

You pay your way financially.
You do all of the childcare.
You do all of the chores and housework.
You do all of the driving.

You're giving a lot and honestly, from what you've said, it sounds like he's just taking.

This this this. When you say I understand a relationship is helping each other out that’s absolutely not true. You think a relationship is you being an unpaid slave and your partner doing nothing. He does nothing to help you out- he’s not doing stuff around the house he’s not supporting you financially to care for your baby, it’s just adding insult to injury that he expects you to drive him. Show your baby a decent role model, set some boundaries, have some expectations of your partner and look at him with a fresh pair of eyes. I doubt you can change a wholly selfish and lazy man, and you shouldn’t let your baby grow up exposed to one.

Original poster

Clioblossom123 · 20/08/2021 10:56

@twomuchtwoyoung

Its happened 3 times now (as baby hit 6 weeks- was fine before then, loved the car) i put it down to baby being unsettled from his needles first 2 times as baby was grumpy up to 4 days after injections) 3rd time was the week after and thats when i realised it must be the car as baby was happy all day prior to car ride. i havent took him to or from work since. I put my baby first 100% no one can bash me for making my baby misreble as i haven't done it since! So thanks for your reply but I'm not making my baby suffer..

OP posts:

swampytiggaa · 20/08/2021 10:59

My son is 19 and an apprentice painter and decorator. He’s saving up for driving lessons and in the meantime he’s getting the bus to where he needs to be. Tbh it’s really motivating him to save so he can be independent.

Original poster

Clioblossom123 · 20/08/2021 11:04

@swampytiggaa this is what i realised from replies. If we keep taking him back and forth, he doesnt care about driving because he's got the high life. Now im refusing it may give him a kick up the arse to get his driving! Thanks for your reply

OP posts:

Sadiecow · 20/08/2021 11:08

[quote Clioblossom123]@twomuchtwoyoung

So you have stopped? Has he still been going to work, are his parents taking him?

If you've stopped, then don't restart.

TwoMuchTwoYoung · 20/08/2021 11:18

[quote Clioblossom123]@twomuchtwoyoung

RandomMess · 20/08/2021 11:34

Glad you are ready to stand firm.

DH doesn't drive if it's too far to cycle then he uses public transport. When we moved his commute and transport options are taken into consideration I have never been his personal taxi service in over 20 years!

Original poster

Clioblossom123 · 20/08/2021 11:36

@sadiecow his dad took him this morning but i said make your own way back. He said "i will but taxi cost so much money " and i said running a car does too think he gets the point !

OP posts:

Akire · 20/08/2021 11:38

Do you live some where that doesn’t have trains or buses? One thing running down station if rural area and no pavements but that’s quiet unique position. How does he think everyone else manages?

swampytiggaa · 20/08/2021 11:41

[quote Clioblossom123]@swampytiggaa this is what i realised from replies. If we keep taking him back and forth, he doesnt care about driving because he's got the high life. Now im refusing it may give him a kick up the arse to get his driving! Thanks for your reply [/quote]
Tbh I gave him a lift one time when his lift let him down last minute and his dad gave him a lift when a bus driver wouldn’t let him on but other than that he’s made his own way.

Tbh neither of us are around in the morning normally because of work so he has to find his own way.

Really hope he picks his ideas up 💕

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