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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Always playing taxi in a relationship!

112 replies

Clioblossom123 · 19/08/2021 14:58

So me and partner both work but im on maternity leave.
He's self employed and always seems to find jobs in his old home town which is 30 mins away (he doesn't know the people)

Im always happy to do everything around the house (Even before mat leave) and im always going out my way for him (just the way i am, he doesnt have to lift a finger in the house, i also get up with baby all night even on weekends )

but since we had the baby im fed up of him assuming I'll take him to and from work when the baby hates the car and screams all the way there and back.(hes a few weeks old)

He's working in a area which is dangerous to get to atm, the junctions are blocked from parked cars and you cant see if cars are coming and I've made my point of how dangerous is it but it doesn't make a difference.

Even if it wasn't a bad place, i think he should start taking on jobs either closer or price them up so he can get there and back everyday.(Hes not interested in driving at all) I never get fuel money but his parents do when they take him now and again.

Im not that bothered about the fuel but my insurance is limited to so many miles a year and if this keeps up ill be over the limit, plus if anything goes wrong with my car due to so many miles its doing, i have to pay every penny....

I never say no to him but I feel like he gets miserable with me when i point out the journey has upsets the baby again in the back as hes crying or how its running up my miles but he still phones me next day to say he's ready to be picked up now..

i understand he needs to get there and back but why rely on me when i only rely on myself (we pay 50:50 bills to everything except the car as its mine)

My question is not to be bashed
but I'd like to hear from both sides (drivers- non drivers) your opinions please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Clioblossom123 · 19/08/2021 20:18

Thanks everyone for your replies.
I grew up in a house where my mom did everything and my dad did nothing and i get that its wrong and i shouldn't let history repeat itself. Ive put my foot down on the lift situation now.

I guess i don't like upsetting anyone and the fact i like taking care of people (i work as a carer) puts me in that habit, but it isnt my job to look after him, i get it.

I knew i wasn't being a bitch by saying no but wanted outsiders opinions.
Thanks again Smile

OP posts:
BasicB · 19/08/2021 20:20

Ooo that’s made me angry, reading about that! How selfish of him! My DS was the same as a small baby - HATED the car. He used to scream and end up a bright red sweaty little beast whenever we went anywhere - I know exactly how awful and stressful/dangerous it can be driving with a baby who hates the car.

He really will have to learn to drive or get a bus - this isn’t sustainable for you, and he doesn’t care.

Nanny0gg · 19/08/2021 20:20

You're on mat leave and pay bills 50:50?

He's seen you coming

Original poster
Clioblossom123 · 19/08/2021 20:21

He's a painter/plasterer
Middle 30's
@ladyjaye

OP posts:
Original poster
Clioblossom123 · 19/08/2021 20:23

@basicb exactly! That's so true. I can't concentrate at all Sad
He knows this.

OP posts:
Mrstwiddle · 19/08/2021 20:24

I can hardly believe what I’m reading here. You need to refuse all lifts and insist he gets a license (and his own car or you’ll never have access to yours when you want it)

LadyJaye · 19/08/2021 20:26

@Clioblossom123

He's a painter/plasterer Middle 30's *@ladyjaye*
I was kind of hoping you were going to say early-mid 20s, because while that would still have been quite shit, you could at least hope he'd grow out of it.

That a proper adult man in his mid-30s refuses to use public transport and relies on his parents and recently post-partum wife to get to work (I'm not going to get into the 'can't drive' thing) is fucking pathetic, it really is.

Also, as a tradesman, how on earth does he deal with his kit/tools? Presumably just bung them into your/his parents' car and to hell with whoever has to clean it up?

Are you honestly going to tolerate this for however long?

Muchmorethan · 19/08/2021 20:31

@Clioblossom123

He's a painter/plasterer Middle 30's *@ladyjaye*
How does he transport all his equipment? In your car? So ladders, paint etc.

Sod that. Really hope you stick to not being his servant

Goldbar · 19/08/2021 20:38

What does he contribute to your life?

You pay your way financially.
You do all of the childcare.
You do all of the chores and housework.
You do all of the driving.

You're giving a lot and honestly, from what you've said, it sounds like he's just taking.

Therealjudgejudy · 19/08/2021 20:41

You are a total doormat op. You do realise this man has zero respect for you right?

TedMullins · 19/08/2021 21:18

I’m a non driver and I think he’s being a complete twat. He’s a lazy, feckless wanker who doesn’t want to do anything for himself. He sounds like he’s useless in most aspects anyway so you wouldn’t lose out by dumping him.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/08/2021 21:28

YABU for not being more assertive...,!!

YABU upsetting your baby being in a car which they hate...

He's not a child needing a lift to and from cubs...

If he can't drive he needs to choose jobs ne can get to independently... Or learn to drive or get over his aversion to public transport.

I once had a job 20 miles away..no car license at the time. Rural area. No available public transport... I hitched until I passed my test and got a banger...

You and his parents are enabling him to be a lazy toad

Rainbowqueeen · 19/08/2021 21:29

Tell him it’s too stressful and dangerous for you to drive him. Which is true. Your poor DS.

And yes take a good hard look at your relationship It doesn’t feel very even to me. He should be interested in spending time with baby and building a relationship with him not just leaving everything to you. Stop spending any money on your partner. Is he contributing to your sons costs??

WildfirePonie · 19/08/2021 21:54

Hes not interested in driving at all

And you are not interested in driving his lazy selfish arse around!

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 19/08/2021 22:57

I'm the taxi driver in our house and I do a lot of ferrying around. The difference is I have a teenager and my DD is waiting for her driving test.

Why are you acting like your DP's Mum? You are being taken advantage of and your DP needs to sort out getting to and from work himself. An occasional lift is fine but you are not a chauffeur.

QueenBee52 · 19/08/2021 23:16

I cannot believe this grown man has managed to grow a painting and decorating business without ever learning to drive ... that's quite an achievement 😳

QueenBee52 · 19/08/2021 23:17

Sorry meant to add...

OP ... YANBU 🌸

lalafafa · 19/08/2021 23:22

Jesus fucking Christ, grow a bloody back bone.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/08/2021 23:23

He needs to get himself to work. This is ridiculous. It upsets the baby and if you are doing all the night wakings, it’s not fair for you also to have to get up and drive him about.

And no fuel money for you when he’s charging for it? Shock

If you are still paying half of the bills, why isn’t he doing half of the housework?

Pollypudding · 19/08/2021 23:28

but since we had the baby im fed up of him assuming I'll take him to and from work when the baby hates the car and screams all the way there and back.(hes a few weeks old)

I don’t think you would be unreasonable to put your baby first. It sounds like you are regularly putting the baby in the car for 2 hours to facilitate your partner working.
There is some advice about young babies having breathing difficulties if sitting in car seats for too long. httpswww.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/car-seats-and-sids/
I had a baby who hated the car too and cried / it is really upsetting and distracting and I ended up limiting my journeys.
Your partner is BU and selfish to rely on others to get him to and from work.

LizzieW1969 · 19/08/2021 23:30

I’m sorry, but I agree with PPs that he’s being a twat. I mean, he refuses to use the bus when he can’t drive??? If he doesn’t like the bus, he needs to pass his driving test pronto and buy himself a car.

You need to start saying no, otherwise he’ll keep on walking all over you.

RightOnTheEdge · 19/08/2021 23:38

I grew up in a house where my mom did everything and my dad did nothing and i get that its wrong and i shouldn't let history repeat itself
And now you are passing this on to your child. Will you be happy to see them grow up thinking that this is a normal way to live?

You are a total doormat and he is a massive embarrassment. I don't know how he looks at himself in the mirror.

GreyEyedWitch · 19/08/2021 23:54

Gawd. There's no way that I would be giving your DP a lift in your situation. What a CF!

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 20/08/2021 00:02

Hes not interested in driving at all

Well he's got you and his parents chauffeuring him around for free, so why would he be interested in paying for lessons, a car, insurance, MOT, service, petrol etc? And then having to concentrate on driving when he can just chill out in the passenger seat? No thanks!

Sounds like a CF cocklodger. If he's mid 30s it'll be hard to get him to change now.

You sound like you enjoy caring for people OP. I think some women enjoy mothering their partners and doing everything for them, but when they have an actual baby who takes up most of their time and attention, suddenly the appeal of the fully grown man child wears off. From what you've written it doesn't sound like he adds much positive aspects to your life.

violetbunny · 20/08/2021 01:14

That is ridiculous. He needs to get himself to work.
Also, why are you paying for your car alone when he clearly benefits from it? Does he pull his weight financially?

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