THREAD 2 Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

JudgeJerry · 2021-08-19T11:38:54+00:00

My other thread is nearly full so just wanted to start another to thank you all so much for the support, it's been absolutely invaluable. I know not everyone has agreed with me throughout but I still value the opinions all the same. I'd like to keep it open as things move on, it's been really helpful chatting to you all and I may need some more advice or just someone to talk to as things progress so here we are! I'm not sure how to link to the old thread sorry.

AnonymousCheerleader · 19/08/2021 12:41

Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am iibeingunreasonable/4325171-Possibly-a-sensitive-topic-but-AIBU-to-say-no-to-this

There you go, OP

VorpalSword · 19/08/2021 13:01

I would also say having a bullet point list, somewhere you can easily see, with what you will / won't do.

Eg
I will take to park/ zoo/ dayout once at the weekend if I am taking dc
I will not do school pick up / drop off

Also, ask yourself would he do the same as a favour if you needed it? If the answer is no then so is yours. Start small you can always add in more but it will be harder to step back.

A lot of people on the other thread saying you should do 1 evening and 1 overnight a week - that is more than the guy is doing for his biological child!

dapsnotplimsolls · 19/08/2021 13:06

@VorpalSword

I would also say having a bullet point list, somewhere you can easily see, with what you will / won't do.

Eg
I will take to park/ zoo/ dayout once at the weekend if I am taking dc
I will not do school pick up / drop off

Also, ask yourself would he do the same as a favour if you needed it? If the answer is no then so is yours. Start small you can always add in more but it will be harder to step back.

A lot of people on the other thread saying you should do 1 evening and 1 overnight a week - that is more than the guy is doing for his biological child!

This sounds very sensible. He'll probably try and make you feel guilty but he's the one who's created this situation. As PPs mentioned on the other thread, he might well paint you as the 'baddie' who doesn't care about the kids but they'll have seen for themselves which one of you has actually done all the childcare for years.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/08/2021 13:36

I'm pleased to see from your old thread that you have a lot of background support, from family and work.

I'm also glad that you're going to have an independent chat with your SDC, to let them know that you will be there for them if they need to talk to you, and you will see them when you can.

You're going to have a fair bit to do settling in to your new, albeit temporary home - and then finding a new place to live after that too.

How far from your current abode is your parents' rental house?

JanisJ · 19/08/2021 13:38

.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 19/08/2021 13:40

OP you’re fabulous for refusing to be a doormat to your useless ex. I’m so happy you’re making a clean break. Ignore all the ‘ill’ ‘sad’ and ‘sobbing’ sexists on the other thread, they’re not fit to shine your shoes

They also didn’t answer any questions about practicalities which says it all really

Ducksurprise · 19/08/2021 14:38

Still wish those that disagree would say what they thought you should do

Muchmorethan · 19/08/2021 14:44

Hi OP.

When my XH left me for OW.... l had been ground down and miserable for so many years that l didn't give a shit!. Once l knew l could financially survive without him l waved him off very merrily!

I too was left to do all the childcare etc, admittedly for my own DC but some help would have been appreciated!!

He struggled at first as he'd never had to arrange his life around the DC before
....and even now he does get date's muddled but 4yrs on we all get on absolutely fine and in fact he has really stepped up to care for the DC this past year when l was working ridiculous hours due to covid (nurse) of his own suggestion.

I think your plan of action is perfect in regards contact.

Original poster

JudgeJerry · 19/08/2021 15:35

I'm glad to hear your ex stepped up @Muchmorethan that's encouraging. I highly doubt we'll ever be friendly but if he could step up for the kids that would be amazing. I hope I'm writing similar in 4 years 🙂

A few people on the first thread mentioned the transition would be the hardest part for the children, so I think I'm going to start reducing what I can now, whilst still living here to avoid a sudden withdrawal scenario. I work from home but work have said I can go to the office if I like so from the week after next I'll be going into the office to work, removing myself from the house and therefore being unable to look after DSC during the day whilst it's the holidays. He will need to either book leave or make alternate arrangements and at least we can just tell DC that I'm working. I think I'll see how that goes, hopefully by the time we move that may become more the norm for them. It may help them not associate so much of it with me leaving?

The evenings/mornings will be tricky though.

OP posts:

KatherineSiena · 19/08/2021 16:11

That sounds very sensible to go back to the office. What will happen then with your own DC? If they are going to nursery/childminder it might also help to be a change for everyone to get accustomed to naturally.

Newestname001 · 19/08/2021 16:44

@JudgeJerry

A few people on the first thread mentioned the transition would be the hardest part for the children, so I think I'm going to start reducing what I can now, whilst still living here to avoid a sudden withdrawal scenario. I work from home but work have said I can go to the office if I like so from the week after next I'll be going into the office to work, removing myself from the house and therefore being unable to look after DSC during the day whilst it's the holidays.

Excellent idea OP. As for drop offs/pickups this is a good time for your DH to seriously start thinking about these arrangements- whether it's him doing so or him outsourcing this. He's got time to think about these arrangements.

Probably ensure the children are aware of these changes as soon as possible so you avoid him painting you in a corner. 🌹

REignbow · 19/08/2021 17:22

Your STBXH, sounds quite predatory. I bet he is a lot older than you and charmed/groomed you into being his domestic slave.

You are only 28 years old and have a lifetime a head of you. You also sound very caring and intelligent.

Your idea of going back to the office sounds sensible. He will have to organise, holiday camps or find a nanny to take the children out and organise them at home.

Your idea of asking them for tea and days out is good as well.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 19/08/2021 19:24

Well done OP, that sounds like a good plan.

I just read your original thread . So many well meaning posters advising you to arrange xyz contact schedule and just have firm boundaries if your ex takes the piss by dumping school runs etc on you. But you'd simply be a paper tiger - how could you enforce those boundaries without stopping contact with the DSC anyway? You know your ex well enough to know you'd simply be kicking the can down the road and the DSC would still go through the inevitable. Think of this situation as putting your own oxygen mask on first before that of the children - on paper it looks like you're selfishly putting yourself first but in reality it equips you to look after the needs of others.

Original poster

JudgeJerry · 19/08/2021 19:55

Your STBXH, sounds quite predatory. I bet he is a lot older than you and charmed/groomed you into being his domestic slave

Guessed it in one! Yes he is older than me.

You know your ex well enough to know you'd simply be kicking the can down the road and the DSC would still go through the inevitable. Think of this situation as putting your own oxygen mask on first before that of the children - on paper it looks like you're selfishly putting yourself first but in reality it equips you to look after the needs of others

I love this, thank you! It definitely helps me feel that I'm doing the right thing.

I'm going to tell him that I'm working in the office from the week after next later. If it didn't affect the children I'd leave it until the last minute to tell him but I want him to have enough time to arrange something decent for them. I imagine it will go down like a lead balloon but hey this is what he needs to get used to!

What will happen then with your own DC?

Our DC is in nursery already 3 days a week and my Dad has him the other 2 as he's retired.

OP posts:

SpringCrocus · 19/08/2021 20:03

Did your dad also take the two DSC on those two days?

SpringCrocus · 19/08/2021 20:04

Because obviously if he did, he has to stop

Original poster

JudgeJerry · 19/08/2021 20:06

@SpringCrocus

Did your dad also take the two DSC on those two days?

No he doesn't! They stay at home with me in the holidays (and are obviously in school the rest of the time). Our DC is only just 4 though so not possible to work at the same time with them here too!

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 19/08/2021 20:09

Excellent idea re going back to the office. Tell him you don’t have a choice, it wasn’t your idea or he’ll try to talk you round.

SpringCrocus · 19/08/2021 20:09

Oh, that's good to know.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 19/08/2021 20:13

Wow OP is only 28 and has wasted her best years being an unpaid nanny to a lazy oaf?

This actually makes me so angry that kind women with the best of intentions are coerced this way. Then guilted by weird sexist Pearl clucthers

I think your stance is a good one OP, please try not to worry about anything but yourself and your LO

Notimeforaname · 19/08/2021 20:19

Have you had a chance to let him know the plan op ?
I think it's very sensible going back to the office and staying out of the way.

Angryfrommanchester1 · 19/08/2021 20:20

I think your plan is very sensible and complies free with your approach.

Angryfrommanchester1 · 19/08/2021 20:21

Oh crap … complies free = completely agree!

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 19/08/2021 20:31

Also OP to ease the transition, would you take your DC away for a little break? Is there family you can visit? I take it that your DC starts school next month? You could paint it as a pre school treat before he is lost to the world of education! Give your ex practice in making dinners and washing up (god I can't believe I'm saying that about a grown bloody man)

Goldbar · 19/08/2021 20:34

Wishing you luck, OP.

You really can't be expected to parent two children who aren't your own and who you will no longer live with indefinitely. Their actual parents need to step up.