THREAD 2 Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

My other thread is nearly full so just wanted to start another to thank you all so much for the support, it's been absolutely invaluable. I know not everyone has agreed with me throughout but I still value the opinions all the same.

I'd like to keep it open as things move on, it's been really helpful chatting to you all and I may need some more advice or just someone to talk to as things progress so here we are!

I'm not sure how to link to the old thread sorry.

He has created this situation Op - you are not responsible. Please stay strong!

Op I’m really sorry for you and everyone involved but good for you for stepping away!! Not letting him make you feel trapped and the level of obligation expected of you at 24 old.

And, yes my heart breaks for his children. I think a poster posted a letter from them and it’s true.

But, a clean break may be better. You'll still be in indirect contact and can reinstate contact when you feel the time is right. This is on him, not you! And we all get your guilt.

Just make sure you sit them down and explain why.

Because, unless you’re 100% parent, it’s not going to be good enough for him, he will try and guilt you and, through the children.

Expect family to be annoyed with you. They may see, it’s you that’s abounding the children and NOT their father’s neglect.

Stay strong and feel free to LC with your ex he sounds like an utter misogynistic narcissist.

Oh OP, if ANYONE tries to guilt you?
Ask them "are you on drugs? YOU have NO idea what you are talking about. He has NEVER lifted a finger to mind his children the whole time we were married. He's a lazy waster and HIS children are HIS responsibility"

Stand up for yourself and do not accept one bit of anyone trying to blame you a young woman for his failures to parent.

OP

Even more important that you don’t let yourself be guilted, and make sure that you’re preempting his reaction when you go back to work. I.e. leave the house early the day before!

Also start pulling back on things now already (be gone with your DC in the evening (to your parents or anywhere! even for a walk in the park - but don’t warn him lest he dumps the DSC on you), stop cooking and laundry apart from you and your DC).

It is understandable his children are upset. You have been the constant in their life for a long time and they are too young to understand the mental load that has been placed on you. You need to reassure them that you will still be there but that their DF will be sorting out a lot of their care from now on. I can see that it is all very difficult but you need to remain strong.

It was always going to be difficult and they were always going to be upset. Al they can see is that their perfect little home is changing.

But you know it was changing anyway. You were worn down with the way your 'D'H was treating you. Your MH was being impacted. You would not have been able to keep going as things were. So even looking at it from the (unreasonable) perspective of the only thing that matters is the children - they were always going to be upset at some point because things were always going to change. This way you're making the changes in a thoughtful way that leaves you still able to care for your own child fully and still able to maintain a non-parenting relationship with your DSCs. If you'd just kept going until you'd really snapped there would have been a lot more upset and most likely some trauma that would cause lasting damage.

Hold strong and create a good relationship with them - one you all want, not one forced on you by their dad that will end up leaving you resentful and maybe even hating them a little.

I really don't know what to do, I'm being made to feel like I'm abandoning devastated children which just makes me feel the worst person on the planet. I just want to take DS and run away from this

You are not abandoning them.

You are transitioning from step parent to special auntie, and yes things will be different but you are not vanishing and you will continue to be kind, and to be available when it's a good time for you

Tell them that - tell than that their DDad will be taking care of them day to day, but they'll still see lots of your DS and of course you'll still invite them along to things. They will need reassurance whilst it all settles down. It's a good and kind thing to help,them come to terms with how their life will be changing. You don't need to change your decisions about how much you will see them and for what sorts of things, but alongside that clarity, you can still be a reassuring presence

Don't feel so bad @JudgeJerry, you must be a lovely StepMother if the DSC would be happy to go with you, most DSC aren't that fond of their Step parents. What an arse their DF is, what sort a man tries to blackmail someone with his DC's distress, does he have no shame that his own DC prefer someone else to him?

Your STBXH, sounds quite predatory. I bet he is a lot older than you and charmed/groomed you into being his domestic slave

Guessed it in one! Yes he is older than me.

Having read all your posts, I reckon he'll be dating someone younger than you within 6 months of you leaving the house. Your descriptions of him clearly show someone actively avoiding parenting his own children, so he'll want to find someone he can con into doing this.

I believe you are doing the right thing. And all those having a pop at you, calling you selfish, etc, would not be saying the same thing to a stepdad deciding to leave.

@JudgeJerry

H is grumpier than usual after that. He sees this as all my fault, I guess if I'd just have put up and shut up no one would be so upset. He's never willing to accept his part in any of it.

Putting up, shutting up and business as usual is exactly what he wants from you. He was ALWAYS going to ramp up efforts to stop independent action from you, OP and thus is unlikely to be the last if it. He is, after all, about to lose his very effective skivvy. Doesn't mean, however, that you leaving with your son, as cleanly as possibly and as quickly as possible - including your plan to work out of the home and spending some time, just you and DS, was the wrong plan. Hold on tight to that and don't deviate.

I just want to take DS and run away from this.

Yes, absolutely this ^. You need physical space away from this for now. Do it now and get the support you need out of the trap you are currently in.

Strength to you my dear. It WILL get better - but you need to stay focussed on why you are doing this. 🌹

Yes, they'll be upset but that's not a reason to stay in a marriage you don't want to be in and it's not a reason to simply become their unpaid nanny so that useless lump doesn't have to actually be a parent.

I really think you should go to your parents for a couple of days space.

Don’t feel guilty. HE should be feeling guilty.

He must be awful if he's dc prefer step mum. No offence but dc usually prefer their actual parent. What a shame he didn't care enough about the dc to present a united front with you and tell them in a way they wouldn't be upset.

Carry on as you are op. You're doing the right thing.

Shame on that man.

You are not abandoning anyone.

This man needs to take care of his children and their lives...just as you are doing with yours.

You're doing brilliantly. Stay level headed!

I just want to take DS and run away from this.

It's an option. There are temporary lets.

Of course they're upset. All children are upset by a separation, be it their parents or a parent & stepparent. But they will get used to it. 1000s have before them. 1000s will after them. Your job is to remain calm and reassuring to the children (all of them) but determined in your path.

Naturally he blames you. Not because he's been a piss-poor father & husband, but because you are no longer tolerating his shitty behaviour. He'll never accept that his behaviour is what's to blame, not your reaction to it. Fuck him, the horse he rode in on, and the stable he's keeping it in.

As far as you wanting to take DS and run away, well, I think that now that the cat's out of the bag, it may not be a bad idea to move out as soon as is reasonably possible. That way everyone can get on with their lives and the children don't get their hopes raised by you not leaving now that you've said you're going.

See a solicitor asap, if you haven't already, to discuss the best way to proceed.

I've only read OP posts from the two threads not all the replies, so sorry if I'm repeating advice given by others.

As a mother of an only child the same age as yours, I think you may get a sharp shock when you become a single mum to an only child. The amount of play and entertainment input you have to put in can be pretty draining and relentless.

I think you should reframe how you look at the time you plan to have with you DSC and rather than getting hung up on her STBXH getting what he wants out of it, look at what you get out of it that is positive - entertainment and interaction for your DC whilst you can sit down and drink tea (or catch up on chores uninterrupted).

You need to remember, your STBXH could have chosen to use that time to tell HIS children that although you and your DC are leaving, that everything would be ok and to reassure them. He chose not to do that but rather to try to guilt you. Most loving parents would try to reassure their DC when announcing separation/divorce. He didn’t do that. That is in him. Not you.

That conversation must have been horrible for you.

Their Dad has used you as a full time nanny.

I think I would move forward having them but after nursery only because you're at work just like he is. Book in some weekend time with them too. You will feel much more refreshed when you aren't doing their practical care and all the mental load.

If you have them for the evening once per week and even for half a day EOW they will be seeing your DC an awful lot provided your ex does the shared care of your joint DC.

I'm being made to feel like I'm abandoning devastated children which just makes me feel the worst person on the planet.

Guilting you into parenting his DC is pretty much his MO, isn't it? Seems he is a bit of a one trick pony, isn't he?

Stay strong, as least you that that part over. You really cannot spend the rest of your life making up for his shortcomings.

You have got this.

How are things OP?

Are you back in the office now, OP?

How are things OP?

How are things going @JudgeJerry?